For those who were unable to be at Dad and Shirley's wedding...
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the wedding celebration of Jack and Shirley Jarvis.
I would like to thank you all for being here, especially those of you who knew I’d be saying a few words – it’s very touching that you’re still in the room.
When Father asked me to do this speech, he said he was looking for someone with right amount of decorum, the correct gravitas, somebody with a sense of propriety, a man who understood decency and decorum and whose style of formal ceremonial speech would complement and underline the occasion, however, he conceded his best friends were the likes of Graham Walker and Mike Exley so that was unlikely, and even if knew anybody else of that ilk he couldn’t afford their services and so as a back up would I do it for free.
No problem, as now as I have almost 15 years of the marriage experience, I thought I might be in the position to offer the happy couple some general advice.
As I said, I have now been married, oh hang on, Meg’s been editing my speech. I have now been HAPPILY married, what’s that dear ? Sorry, I have been VERY HAPPILY MARRIED for almost 15 years now.
Actually, this reminds me of a story, we were flying on holiday and the lady in seat next to Meg was admiring her ring.
“Yes” said “It’s the famous Jarvis diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse”
“Oh what’s that ?” asked the lady.
“Mr Jarvis” my wife replied.
Strange but on the same holiday I managed to get lost in the airport, realising I had gone missing Meg went to the assistance point and said she had lost her husband.
“What does he look like ?” said the assistant.
Meg replied “He’s about 6’6”, a body like a bronzed Adonis and the features of a young George Clooney.”
The lady pulled up a picture of me on the cctv and said was this her husband.
“Yes” said Meg.
“But” said the lady, “this man is 5’4” with a pot belly, a frankly ridiculous beard and looks like Lemmy from Motorhead.”
“I know” said Meg, “but who wants him back “
I asked my good friend Phil Baxendale if he had any experiences he could pass on as a married man and he told me this story of his own wedding. Apparently Michelle was very nervous on their wedding day and afraid she might get something wrong at church. Phil said “It’s very simple dear, just remember that first comes the aisle, because that’s what we’ll be walking down down, second comes the altar, because that’s where we’ll be standing, and finally comes the hymn, because that’s what we’ll be singing.”
And how did that work ? I asked Phil.
Not so good he replied, when we got to the front of the church all I could hear was Michelle muttering Aisle – alter – him , aisle – alter – him.
Now, a recent holiday survey showed that the items that appeared most often in the luggage of young newlyweds were
an industrial sized tub of KY jelly
a rampant rabbit personal pleasure device and
a kinky nurses costume
Whilst the items that appeared most often in the luggage of older newlyweds were
an industrial sized tub of Deep Heat
a Johnson & Johnson personal support truss and
a nurses outfit, complete with heart monitor and defibrillation machine
some older couples also took along a dirty movie, not so much to get them in the mood as to remind them what they were supposed to be doing.
This does remind me of the wedding day of my Great Great Grandfather Wilfred, at the wedding breakfast his rather elderly bride turned to him and said
“Tonight I’m going to give you super sex”
Great Great Grandfather thought for a moment and then replied “I think I’ll have the soup.”
Ok, this has been a load of daftness, but to conclude I would like to recall the final words of my Great Great Grandfather Wilf. I was a young boy, and the family were all gathered around Wilf’s hospital bed, he lay there with his oxygen mask on, and he began struggling for breath and indicated with his hands that he would like a paper and pen. With these he scribbled a few words which he passed to me, and then the poor old soul expired.
Dad turned to me with a tear in his eye and said, what did he say Mike.
I look down at the paper and solemnly read out to the assembled family.
It says “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”
Now, to be properly serious, I would like to take this opportunity to formally welcome Shirley into the Jarvis clan, and I’m very sorry but we don’t get any more serious than this.
And now ladies and gentleman, if you would charge your glasses, I would like to propose a toast, to the much loved and respected patriarch of the Jarvis clan, and to the equally much loved and respected most recent addition to our family, Jack and Shirley Jarvis…