First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
My Grandad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.
Capitalisation is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
I raised the alarm at work today.
The midgets were furious.
"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said half-heartedly.
I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert.
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.
I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday.
I managed to swap three Oxo cubes for a jar of Bovril.
I went bob-sleighing last week.
I managed to get Geldof and Hoskins before the police stopped me.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.
I think it made it better.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
I walked into BHQ at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the fucker out.
My Wife said she wanted Chanel No. 5 for her Birthday.
She's going to be so happy, all I had to do was re-tune the freeview box.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We're a cover band.