Sunday, July 04, 2010

More Catering Terms Explained

Chef Abuse

Not as you might think a case of chef getting too intimately acquainted with the waitresses, but rather an excuse used by engineers to try and explain the sudden failure to work of their poorly designed, flimsy and shoddily built piece of equipment.

"I think this oven door has suffered chef abuse, do you ever slam it shut chef ?"

"Only if your head gets in the way."


Two types of people become kitchen porters, borderline psychopaths, and fully fledged psychopaths.  Nevertheless kp's are vital to the running of a busy kitchen and a good kp will be able to clean the worst burnt pans, peel entire sacks of carrots or shuck three dozen oysters all at lightning speed. They are normally slightly prone to missing shifts due to enormous alcohol consumption / arrest / deportation, kp's also tend to come from a small number of distinct social and racial groups, Glaswegians / Millwall supporters / long term methadone addicts.

My best ever kp always completed the washing up in time for last orders (to be fair, he drank in the sort of bars where last orders was a point in a blurred and indistinct future) beating the washing up water to foam and only occasionally throwing piles of plates out of the window. In large brigades, chefs will jealously guard their kp's and keep them well supplied with booze / speed / horse tranquilisers / Thai ladyboys as required.

Chef To English Translation

A vital skill for all black and whites required in order to carry instructions and advice from the chef back to the customer.

Waitress to chef - "Chef, the lady on table six says her roast cod is cold."

Chef to waitress - "Has she tried sticking it up her fat arse ?"

Waitress to lady on table six - "Chef says he's sorry and he'll cook you another cod right away."

Previous explanations of catering terms

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous11:11 pm

    or if ur my waitresses go an tell the customer exactly wat i said, look on customers face is not funnny lol