Yorkshire Soul Joins The X Factor Team
(YS just out of shot to the left of Dani)
Yes folks, it's the showbiz scoop of the decade, beardy Tyke Yorkshire Soul has been signed up to judge the next series of X-Factor.
The early parts of the series have a;ready been filmed, and although I am prevented by contract from giving you a video preview, I can provide you with a transcript of last week's recording...
Generic Small Geordie Person - "...and it's over to the panel."
Simon Cowell (his eyeballs have rolled over revealing £££ signs) - "You, are going to be very big in the music business, oh yes."
Dani Minogue - "Oooooh, isn't she lovely, isn't she adorable, she's gorgeous, I love her."
Yorkshire Soul - "WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS. THAT. ? Have you ever even considered playing an instrument, learning the guitar, mastering the piano ? No, too much bloody effort involved. You just want to stand in front of your bedroom mirror karaoke miming to Sugababes. Who was the piece of crap sung by anyway ?"
Contestant (with trembling bottom lip) - "The Pussycat Dolls."
Yorkshire Soul - "Who the fuck ? Have you ever tried stretching yourself ? Try singing some Nina Simone or Verdi or Amon Amarth. Well, what have you got to say for yourself ?"
Contestant (almost in tears) - "My Mum's got cancer."
Dani - "Christ! Go easy YS she's only 7."
Generic Small Geordie Person (holding strait jacket) - "We'll be right back after the break."
Cuts to adverts over sounds of fighting, screaming and small girl saying "Did I win ? Should I have told them that the cat's got hemorrhoids ?"