Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Why Oh Why Oh Why ?

A quick question for you, imagine this scenario, you walk into a restaurant, the restaurant has nine tables, three tables are full of contented looking diners, one table has obviously just been vacated and is piled with dirty plates and wine glasses, the remaining tables are set up ready to receive customers. You ask the waiter if you can have a table for two, sure he says, take any table you like.

Where do you sit ?

I'll tell you where people always sit, where do the members of the general public always bloody sit ? They sit at the dirty table that's where, despite the fact that I have any number of tables in pristine condition, with fresh flowers in little vases and flickering candles producing a warm and welcoming glow, people always choose to sit at the table where someone has spilt that third bottle of Bordeaux over the tablecloth and some over enthusiastic pointing with an asparagus spear has produced a polka dotting of hollandaise across the menu cover.

Waiters shouldn't have to point out "You can have any table in the house sir except the one where the previous resident has just liberally sprayed bolognese sauce around because to be frank sir you'd be a complete idiot if you sat at that table when I have six others clean and ready for you."

People would be mildly offended if you said that to them, and yet, always, every time, people sit at the dirty table. It seems to be a deeply ingrained, lemming like behaviour. Surely these people know on some level that to force the waiter to scurry around re-setting the table while you are sat at it is not going to bring about the best level of service.

The waiter will now slope off into the kitchen and have a moan. "Hey boys, that berk in the green shirt, I offer him any table in the room and where does he sit ?"

All together...."The dirty table."

Aspersions will now be cast upon the unfortunate diner's epicurean sensibilities.

"I bet he asks for a fillet well done."

"I bet he asks for his whitebait topped and tailed."

"I bet he thinks a reduction sauce means he has to pay less for his main course."

My advice then for a more successful and mockery free dining experience, sit at the clean table, if you want your meat burnt order a burger, and always leave a generous tip.


  1. Anonymous9:54 pm

    You have a waiter?

  2. Squirt12:33 pm

    And very lovely waitresses too, who could definately give the modelling world a go!