Saturday, February 28, 2009

Yorkshiresoul, Racist

I've decided to have a go at being a racist for a bit, I mean, it looks a bit of a laugh doesn't it ? Getting together with your mates and being a bit shouty on the street after three pints of Carling Extra Cold.

Anyway, it looks like I may have to make a few minor alterations to my lifestyle before I can join the BNP. I don't suppose you can enjoy and support parts of black or asian culture and be a fully fledged white nationalist.

Music, well obviously I'm going to have to stop listening to pretty much all my ska and reggae, no more Bob Marley, Alpha Blondie, Desmond Dekker or Tiken Jah Fakoly, and I suspect that my recent flirtation with Afro-beat music won't go down a storm with the stormtroopers, so out go the Fela Kuti and Staff Benda Bilili cd's. There are even a few non white faces in the ranks of my metal and punk library, so I'd better hide the stuff by Sepultura, Thin Lizzy and Metallica. I'm also a bit concerned about System Of A Down, arn't they Armenian ? Where do we budding white templars stand on Armenians, with them, or actually on them ?

The upside to the music thing is that I will never have to listen to any of the endless derivative misogynistic rap crap that some of the girls bring in to work, a simple "I can't listen to this as I've become a white supremacist" should suffice.

Family, friends and staff. As far as I know, my family is an all white bunch, I can't think of any colour variation even in the more distant and far flung parts of the family. It is the same with my friends, growing up in the Wharfe valley in the 70's you didn't get the opportunity to meet a whole lot of coloured folk, so no problem there. Staff though, well I'll have to sack one of the girls for being asian, and probably another for being gay, I don't think that we white power types have much truck with homosexuals as a rule, although, why do many racists have the same (lack of) haircut as Bronski Beat ?

I am sure though my pretty much all of my family and friends will disown me as I become a paragon of white power, then I will have to become a close friend of Nick Griffin, this is a frankly unnapealing prospect.

Food and drink, oh dear, I can see this being a bit of a problem, you can't be seen to support the enemy, and I do love Chinese take-aways, and curry, and the odd donner kebab. How far do I have to take this though ? Some Italians can be a bit swarthy looking, should I stop eating pizza and pasta ? I'b better just stick to roast beef and fish and chips for the moment, oh hang on, that chippy I like to go to is actually owned by an Indian couple, better forego that as well then.

Wine and raw food present a bit of a minefield as well, lots of veg and meat come from countries that are, to be honest, full of black people. Wine is a bit safer, although maybe I'll give South African vintages a miss.

My food dilemma reminds of a joke, you'll have to imagine it is 1980 again for this to work....

Woman - "I am not buying those apples, they come from South Africa"

Greengrocer - "I don't blame you love, they'll have put their nasty black hands all over them"

I've found another upside to this racism lark though, it looks my diet might actually improve.

Sport - I'd better not mention my appreciation of such British sporting luminaries as Monty Panesar and Philips Idowu, and I'll have to be a bit selective when running down lists of my favourite footballers, it won't be wise to mention Rod Wallace, Tony Yeboah or Jermaine Beckford. This is confusing, when I'm watching Leeds, do I cheer when a white White has the ball, and then boo when a black White gets the ball ? People will think I have some weird schizophrenic disorder, on no, hang on, they won't, they'll think I'm a racist.

Now, down to the day to day business of actually being a racist, and I must admit I'm approaching this with some trepidation. The thing is, I gather that proper shouty racists are actually quite rude to coloured people, now that I have done a bit of research into the "shouty-matey" bit, it appears that they like to yell things like "blacks out", and some things that are even less polite.

I really am not very good at all at being rude to strangers, if someone walks into me on the street, I am quite likely to apologise even if the other person was at fault. The thought of being deliberately nasty to someone is bringing a flush of shame to my cheeks just by thinking of it. Let's say that the next time I take a train into Leeds the conductor is a black man, I would usually say "Return to Leeds please" and then thank him when he gives me my change and ticket. Do I now have to say "Oi wog, return to Leeds and you can return to wherever you came from."

Whereupon I suspect he will say "That would be Horsforth" and will throw me off the train into the arms of a waiting policeman. So, I won't be able to complete all the journeys on public transport that I start, and I won't be able to take a taxi again because if other places are like Ilkley, then all the taxi drivers are Asian. Well, it is lucky that I already enjoy walking.

Shops will be another problem won't they, should I be rude to black or Asian till workers, or just avoid them, either way it appears I'll be spending less time, and money, in shops and supermarkets. Another bonus for racism, I can save money.

Tragedy, I will have to stop taking The Times or the Indy, and switch my allegiance to the Mail, Express and Sun, oh woe is me, never to read a balanced intelligent news story again.

So, how has my life changed ?

I'm thin and fit because shops won't sell me food and I have to walk everywhere, but I have no friends except for Nick Griffin and some shouty skinheads that don't realise that Oi music died twenty years ago, and when we go out on the piss together we can't even eat afterwards because all the chippies are closed and we can't go into Spicy Ranch Kebabs, and I have to support Millwall.

Oh bugger it, I think I'll just stay as I am.

Friday, February 27, 2009

50 Questions

1.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Prince Michael of Kent, Prince Andrew

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I don't know, sometimes a film catches me out, or more likely it might have been when I was having a maudlin moment thinking of my Mum.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, it's poor and scribbly and looks like a child's, my Father has good handwriting but mine has always been rubbish, it's an odd mix of joined and printed as well.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? What a strange question, before this I had never really considered that there were types of dead animal that you might only devour around midday. Let's pretend it is Sunday lunch so I can say bloody rare beef.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don't know, I'm not that naturally egregious, and we'd both be booky and geeky so it's a 50/50 thing. I would imagine that one of two things would have happened, either we'd met and taken an instant dislike to each other, or we'd met and become lifelong very close friends.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Yes, probably too much, especially with the staff.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, I had them removed when I was little, I actually had asthma but my doctor diagnosed tonsillitis, he was a genius that man.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, and that goes for jumping our of perfectly good aeroplanes as well, it is not ever going to happen.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? I'm a Kellog's Crunchy Nut

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not always. Who thinks of these questions ?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Probably really good quality vanilla with lots of little black vanilla seeds.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How honest do I have to be here ? Should I be all 'new man' and pretend that I don't notice a girl's boobs or arse ? Well I'm not and I do, then eyes and hair. Or if they're in fancy dress or a wheelchair, then you tand to notice that first. Or of they're an American customs agent with a large handgun, then I develop a nervous twitch and can't stop looking at the pistol.

15. RED OR PINK? White, just in case this is a hidden footy/cricket question, or black otherwise. If it's a wine question then red, deep dark teeth staining red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Oh dear, I'm hardly Brad Pitt, I don't like my feet, but it isn't as if I spend much time worrying about them.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Mum

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? I don't really care if you do, I'm already beginning to get a bit bored myself.

19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black shoes, and now people are staring because I'm trying to pull my pants up over the waistband of my trousers, red with a white trim. I assume this is an American meme, in which case you got the words for trousers and underwear confused, I am wearing black pinstripe chef's trousers.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival, it is my current favourite song.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Flesh

23. FAVOURITE SMELL? Melting chocolate, port, the small of a curry shop on a cold night.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My catering butchers, Doric Game.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course

26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Cricket mostly, and a bit of footy but they're soft as shite these days, and I would like Rugby Union but the million and one rules drive me to distraction

27. HAIR COLOUR? Gradually going gray

28. EYE COLOUR? Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, I wear glasses

30. FAVOURITE FOOD? I think my favourite food ever is probably a rare joint of beef with all the trimmings

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Most Hollywood horror films are dire, happy endings are ok if it makes sense, I don't require it saccharine sweet however. On the whole I prefer thought provoking movies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, it might be the best movie ever made, it certainly has about a dozen of the best lines ever

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black, have you noticed the theme yet ? It's black, I wear black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer to earn, Winter to burn

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze

36. FAVOURITE DESSERT? A really rich dark chocolate tart

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? April

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Any of you who actually have jobs/kids and therefore cannot waste their time doing this rubbish

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Is This Wine Corked, The Geographer's Library, 500 Global Ideas

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Darth Sith, that bloke with the head spikes

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? We caught up on Lost, but I have a poor memory and kept interrupting to ask Meg what had happened to such a character and who was related to whom

42. FAVOURITE SOUNDS? Teh Metuhl! All kinds of music, plus, I like being out on the hills when you can hear the wind pulling over the heather and the softened bleating of distant sheep

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I'm a great fan of the Beatles, I quite like the Stones, The Clash beat them both.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Australia, another great big bloody nation that can't brew beer.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT ? Not really, I can cook quite well but I'm no Michelin chef, I can write a bit, and er, that's about it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Jimmy's Leeds

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Anyone who can write something interesting, be creative, don't just put dull one word answers.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I was captain of the darts team, she was captain of the dominoes team, it was love over the oche, how wonderfully working class.

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Half full, I like my life, I'm seldom unhappy (even if I'm moaning).

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Just five ? John, Candice, Patrick, Cheryl, Meg. I know I'm expected to find five disparate and unusual celebrities for this, but I have taken the question at face value and chosen five people that I love.

Of course it would be even better to have a far larger table where the rest of my family and friends can sit as well. The table of six is incomplete without Andy & Eva, and the kids should be running around making a racket, Morag and Alan should be enjoying post dinner snoozes on the couch, my Dad might have had a couple of wines too many and will be nodding off at the table. Rob, Andy, Chris and Kevin will take the kids next door after dinner to play games in the big room whilst everyone else chats and chats over some good wines and aged brandy.

I would enjoy a big family and friends dinner far more than any five strangers I can think of.
Abstruse Goose Comic



Abstruse Goose
I Swear My Wife's Never Happy With Me

I spent all yesterday afternoon nailing sex toys to the living room walls and when she comes home she screams....

"You idiot, I said I wanted a dado rail."
Can You Spare A Couple Of Quid



I am sure that like myself, you may be worried that former public employees may be falling on hard times in the current era of financial gloom. There are people who have selflessly dedicated themselves to their jobs, to looking after the British public and the nation and who are now having to exist on a state pension.

Tony Blair (pictured above) is one of these unfortunate souls.

Mr Blair gave the best years of his life to managing the country, and now that he has left office he has been forced into a series of part time jobs, giving speeches to Spanish businessmen for £240,000 an hour, helping out at his local branch of JP Morgan Bank for a paltry £2.5million a year, then the poor soul his to travel to another bank, Zurich Financial Services just in order to pick to pick up another measly £2million a year. In a show of charity Mr Blair was awarded the Dan David Prize at Tel Aviv University for successfully solving the Middle East peace talks crisis, but where can you spend £650,000 in today's shops ?

Tony has managed to scrape together about £15million since he was callously kicked out of his job by Gordy Brown, really people, is that enough for a family man to exist on ?

Poor Mr Blair receives a taxpayer funded state pension of a mere £63,468 annually, plus an allowance of £84,000 to fund an office.

If you think that this situation is as appalling as I do then please write to your MP and ask "Why is this greedy money hungry git funded from the public pocket whilst nurses and police officers are being sacked and the Royal Mail pensions fund seems to have evaporated ?"

Failing that, you could always send Tony a couple of quid from your own pocket.

Oh, hang on, you already are.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Needle Hits Needle In Haystack



My favourite bit of news I read on the BBC whilst I was away on holiday was that a British nuclear submarine had managed to ram another nuclear submarine, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Of course the news of this needle in a haystack finding exercise is only made better by the fact that the submarine rammed by a Royal Navy vessel was French. The French of course will think that we damaged their submarine on purpose and will embark on a long series of trade sanctions against the UK. There is a positive boon to the event though for some, Greenpeace will be able to protest in safety for a while without fear of being sunk by the French navy.

The editor of Jane's Fighting Ships said "Navies want quiet areas, deep areas, roughly the same distance from their home ports. So you find these station grounds have got quite a few submarines, not only French and Royal Navy but also from Russia and the United States."

The mind boggles, it would appear that in all the vast depths of the Atlantic, all the major navies of the world, and the French, are hiding their submarines in the same small gully. What's going on there ? Are they having a DS Mario Kart tournament and the subs have to be that close or their handsets can't get each other's signals ?

Worryingly, it would appear that the world's nuclear submarines are actually a bit rubbish, neither the British or French sub knew that the other was in the area, so in a war situation there would be no chance of detecting and destroying another submarine, not that I'm necessarily advocating going to war with France of course. The commander of Le Triomphant reported that his sub has struck a submerged container of some sort, the British commander of HMS Vanguard thought that the chef had knocked something over on the galley.

What's with that name though, Le Triomphant, what French triumph is that referring to ? We should insist that all French navy vessels are re-named along the lines of Le Thank The Lord For Britain And America.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Look And Learn



The picture of the Victorian Postman below was taken from the excellent, and free to use, Look And Learn picture library.

Look And Learn
Do You Want Your Labour Stab In The Back 1st Or 2nd Class ?



Since coming to power, this Labour Government has pursued a steady and consistent policy of destroying the Royal Mail. Our postal service was once an enviable institution, now it looks like we may lose it to privatisation.

Many of the most profitable parts of the RM's business have been stripped away from it over the past decade, all those things you used to pop into the Post Office for can now be done on line, and then private companies were allowed to compete against the RM on a very uneven basis. The private companies cherry picked the most profitable parts of the Royal Mail's operation, such as private contracting for companies like Amazon, and the RM has been left with all the least profitable types of post still to deliver.

After forcing the Royal Mail into this position, the shameless Nu-Labour Minister Lord Mandelson said "the taxpayer could not be expected to fund potential liabilities in the region of £8bn without seeing an improvement in the performance of the company". The man's audacity is breathtaking, the situation that the Royal Mail finds itself in is almost entirely the fault of the Government.

Now Nu-Labour says there is a "pensions black hole" forming, this is an absolute disgrace, what has happened to the money that tens of thousands of workers have paid in over a lifetime of loyal service ?

I have no doubt that this 30% partial sale of the Royal Mail will go ahead, and that there will then be job losses, all this despite Nu-Labour's election manifesto promise to keep the Royal Mail in public hands.

There are countries around the world where if you live in a more remote community or dwelling, you have to drive into the nearing larger conurbation to collect your own post. If you live in a town your daily postal delivery is probably in no danger, but for those in rural communities, who have already witnessed the wholesale loss of the small village post office, you have every right to be worried about the future of the service, recent history shows quite clearly that rural communities will yet again be the first to suffer when changes are made to Royal Mail.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

All Change

I'm just playing with a new look for the blog, a bit of a tidy up.

It isn't finished yet, I'll add the blog list and other stuff later on.

As regards the "link within" gadget that is supposed to show three related stories below each post, I have seen that working well on more 'single issue' blogs (food review blogs for example), on Yorkshire Soul it just seems to be picking three posts at random, so it might get removed again.

Update......

Righty ho, I have added a blogroll, my links, the searchable 'labels' list which I know makes the page over four hundred feet long but I like it, blog archives and post counter, and got rid of various blog rolls, gumph and things that I once used but have stopped using, the comments are now on blogger as well.

There are about a thousand different widgets you seem to be able to add to Blogger blogs now, I'll keep the LinkWithin widget for the moment, unless I get a load of "it's annoying / distracting" comments, Van gogh of the day, Dali of the day, news items of the day, can't seem to find Naked Hot Goth Chick Of The Day though.....
Migrants Steale Ye Englishe Jobbes

From today's Maile Of Ye Daye....



English jobs are under threat from hordes of migrant Picts who have illegally entered the country. Up to 30,000 English jobs may have been gone as the Pictish migrants take jobs without paying tax and often having murdered the job's previous incumbent.

Border Officer Centurion Mordius Secundius said "It's becoming a real problem keeping them out, they just walk over the border, kill people and then steal their jobs, homes, wives and cattle. Honestly I'm at my wits end knowing what to do, perhaps Emperor Hadrian should just build a bloody big wall."

The Maile Of Ye Daye wants to know if you have seen Pictish / Turkish / Italian migrant workers in your community ? If so write to Paule Daykre at Maile Of Ye Daye or if you are an ignorant illiterate shit covered peasant, congratulations ! You're our target audience.

(Picture from Dream Art Studio)
I Keep Hoping That We're Becoming A Better Society

But then society goes out of its way to prove me wrong.



Anyone recognise this rather attractive young lady ? She's called Cerrie Burnell, she is an actress and television presenter and has recently been appointed to be one of the presenters of BBC television's CBeebies.

Her appointment has brought a number (possibly only a small amount) of written complaints to the BBC. Why, has she some terrible dark secret hanging over her past, has she been involved in a sex or drugs scandal, or been seen on camera campaigning on behalf of the BNP or taking a large to a poodle in a public park ? No, the reason for the official complaints to the BBC are revealed in this next photograph.



Cerrie Burnell was born with only one arm.

That's it I am afraid, a few parents have written to the BBC to complain that a girl missing an arm is presenting children's television.

"One father said he feared it would give his daughter nightmares and a mother said her two-year-old girl could not watch because she thought the presenter had been hurt." - From a BBC news article. Apparently some comments posted on the BBc Cbeebies message board were much worse than this and had to be removed by BBC moderators.

The problem here seems to be with narrow minded parents rather than their children, children are very open minded and inquisitive, on meeting Cerrie smaller children would most likely just ask why she only has one arm (she was born that way, no accidents involved). Adults, and rather shamefully I might act in a similar manner, wouldn't be as honest and open.

If I met Cerrie I might act like a lot of other adults would, by pointedly not mentioning her missing arm and taking great pain not to accidentally make any reference to missing limbs in the conversation, it's the great British "Don't mention the war" thing that we do. Probably it would just be better to say right out "Hi Cerrie, can I ask why you only have one arm ?".

Young Cerrie obviously has a great sense of humour, when asked on the BBC site what her favourite game was she replied "Twister", nice reply.

I wonder when the day will come that people just accept other people no matter what their colour, religion, sexual preference or body shape, not anytime in the near future it would seem.

It is also possible that the rise in internet access makes stories like this one more likely, and allows what may be fairly minor stories to assume larger significance than they are due, it is very easy to log on to a website and leave an anonymous complaint, but much more effort to make a phone call and actually have to speak to someone or write and post a physical letter.
It's Crap Being Awake At 4am



Unless you have just come back from an awesome gig / party or are having wonderful, astonishing wild sex, but I'm not, I'm just having a bout of insomnia. Doubtless the knock to my normal sleep pattern provided by our sleep free (but heavy on the turbulence) night flight on Friday is to blame, but knowing what has triggered the insomnia does nothing towards halting it.

Pattern so far, no sleep Friday night on bouncy plane, had to stay up until 1.30 on Sunday morning to lock up but then I slept through for about six hours, felt like death warmed over all day at work on Sunday, Sunday night went to bed just after midnight, got back out of bed at 3am after not getting to sleep, went back at 4.30am and managed two hours sleep. Yesterday I felt even worse, so I went to bed in the afternoon and managed an hour and a half asleep, then went to bed at 8pm and got an hour's sleep, but lay awake from about 9pm to 2.30am, when, going mad, I got back up and went downstairs to read for a couple of hours, back to bed at 4.30 and slept until 6.30am.

Yesterday I had no coffee after 9am, no booze, didn't overeat, had a hot chocolate and a sleeping pill before bed in the evening, but my insomnia appears to be stronger than my sleeping tablet.
Free Live Session Music Downloads

Daytrotter

5 artists each week perform a four song session at Futureappletree Studios, then they give a short interview and have their portrait drawn or painted, it's a really lovely idea. The songs are all available for free download and are one take with no overdubs.

Of course with it being free it's mostly a showcase for up and coming acts, but the first session I grabbed was by very up and coming Fleet Foxes, so the acts are not all unheard of.
The Death Of BoB

Wow, it even got reported on the BBC website

Two days before this had happened my corporation, Aegis Evolution, had been kicked out of Blade, another Alliance who were politically tied to Band of Brothers, of course when BoB collapsed and thousands of enemy Goonswarm ships appeared to steal our old home base we let out a small cheer of relief and thanked our lucky stars.

Personally, I think this was a dreadful way to play to game and I was one of those who added my vote to ask CCP that this sort of thing be outlawed in the game, but, as the article says, CCP are very hands off about the internal machinations of Eve players and Corporations and no rules changes have been mooted as yet.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bad Flight, Long Night, Insomnia Follows

And I missed Joshua's birthday, apologies.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Book Review : Shipwrecked On Top Of The World, Four Against The Arctic - David Roberts***



From the blurb on the back of this book this sounds like a fabulous and riveting tale of survival against the odds. Four sailors from the North of Russia were stranded on Spitsbergen in May 1743, nobody knew they were there after they vessel sank and it was over six years when another vessel came in sight of the remote island. Three of the men had survived on an island which existed in a permanent state of winter, on which almost nothing but scrub grass grew, and on which roamed a large concentration of polar bears.

This sounds like an awesome tale, but the book actually details Roberts diligent literary research into the tale from first discovering it, to eventually setting up an expedition to re-discover the site of the hut that the men survived for so long in. I found much of the book to be more interesting than riveting, there are only so many tales of Russian bureaucratic ineptitude that make for a good story.

The expedition section which comes late in the book does make for good reading, especially when an inquisitive polar bear sticks its head through the hut's window, but overall I found the book far less 'riveting and inspirational' than the blurb would have you believe.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

There's Always One

At Disney Film Studios we were watching one of the live shows, a group of young Padowans were squaring up to Darth Vadar and his Imperial Stormtroopers, Darth Vadar asked in his booming voice....

"Who will come across to the Dark Side ?"

The Jedi Master replied "They won't fall for your tricks Vadar" and the mini Jedi knights stood firm.

But in the moment's silence that followed a lone Yorkshire voice was heard, much to the consternation of the assembled parents and offspring...."Yes, I'll join up."

Well, the Stormtroopers do have the best uniforms.
25 Things

As I have been tagged about a dozen times on Facebook and have not responded yet.

1) I like coffee, a lot, for preference espresso, I can't be doing with the cocktail coffees like latte and double skinny mocha vanilla cream whatevers, just black and strong please.

2) I have an unreasonable dislike, or perhaps a reasonable one, for men who say "black and strong, just like I like my women" when you ask them how they would like their coffee.

3) Through extensive research I have determined that Dublin is the city with the highest concentration of chavs and scutters, followed closely by Huddersfield.

4) I would never willingly wear a tracksuit away from a sports field.

5) If my wife allowed me, I would dress in a much more punk/goth fashion than I do.

6) I think that 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' may have the most perfect film script ever, in fact, it might just be the best film ever made.

7) I like my steak rare, almost raw in fact, if you're going to eat real meat then you should eat it bloody, cooking steaks and beef joints to well done is pointless, you may as well just eat burgers.

8) Although I work very hard, and do very long shifts, I am actually inherently lazy and would gladly spend all day reading and dossing on the computer.

9) I like being alone, reading on my own, going for long hikes on my own, I'm not anti-social per se but sometimes I do like to be without other people.

10) Driving is rubbish, being driven somewhere is much better, then you can read in the passenger seat.

11) I think the Yanks are more polite and better mannered than the Brits.

12) I love Paris, even though the waiters sometimes really are as rude as rumours say, and the Parisienne woman are the most fashionable in the world, the only chavs in Paris are Brits on day trips.

13) Apathy annoys me, whether it is political / religious / social, make your bloody mind up, have an opinion, and use your vote.

14) 3 websites I visit almost every day
www.bbc.co.uk
www.b3ta.com
www.last.fm

15) I love sci-fi, I think I've been born a few centuries too early, I would love to live in Iain M Banks 'Culture' or the 'Polity' of Neal Asher.

16) I'm like The Wildhearts' song 'Rooting For The Bad Guy', Darth Vadar and the Stormtroopers ought to win, they have by far the best theme music and uniforms, who'd want to wear the crappy brown rags of the rebels ?

17) If you are not a reader and dismiss reading as boring, I will think less of you.

18) I love my family and friends, especially the children, I don't have children of own so it's always lovely to spend time with the gang - Joseph, Ellie, Stephen, Natalie, Joshua, Kayleigh (and another on the way Andy & Eva !). I have a very small circle of close friends and that's fine by me, quality not quantity.

19) I have never been arrested, or even seriously questioned by a policeman.

20) I somtimes describe myself in political terms as an anarchist-socialist, by this I mean more in the spirit of those who raised the black flag in Barcelona during the Spanish Civil War rather than the tossers who just want to throw bricks at policemen.

21) I can't understand why a nation that has the power and resources of the USA can't brew a single decent pint of beer.

22) Cricket is the best sport in the world, if you believe this to be untrue and think that football is, it is because you have have the mental accuity of a Sun reader.

23) I sometimes like to sit in a pub, on my own, having a few pints and reading a book, note to morons - this is through personal choice, if you have something relevant or interesting to say then feel free to engage me in conversation, especially if it concerns books. If though you are about to make some dull jibe about me being a billy no mates or reading because there is no-one interesting to talk to then please note - you are most likely not the captivating and engaging conversational companion I was looking for.

24) I don't know how I would manage without my wife, I am all creativity and chaos, she is all organisation and order. This works perfectly for our business, Meg does the books and rota's and schedules, I do the cooking and service, she's wonderful.

25) Yorkshire is the most perfect place to live, although I often briefly love the places I manage to visit around the world, I would miss home if I lived somewhere else. Ilkley is very pretty and pleasent, I'd probably live in Kettlewell given the choice (the hills!).

Monday, February 16, 2009

This Man Deserves A Salute, Not A Sentence

Man flushes dealer's heroin down toilet
Book Review : A Piece Of Cake - Cupcake Brown*****



500 pages of unremitting misery, but with a big splash of hope at the end. Cupcake Brown's life story is appalling, from the age of 11, after her mother's death, she experiences almost nothing but abuse, rape, prostitution and drugs, and drugs in such huge amounts that it makes the habits of famous users like Ozzy Osbourne and Lemmy pale into insignificance.

Brown's life makes for a compelling if dreadful tale, for the members of my own sex it raises some disturbing questions as well, just how many men are there who would force or pay an 11 year old child for sex ? Brown seems to find no end of men willing to pay for paedophilia. The easy availability of drugs is simpler to understand, pushers will sell to anyone willing to buy.

There is one question that came to mind when reading this autobiography and that is, how on earth did Brown remember such a wealth of detail from her recent past, she admits to having numerous blackouts from alcohol and drug use, and her liberal use of every kind of drug known to man must surely have made her memory a slightly unreliable witness.

Her rise from the wreckage of her own life is inspiring in its own way, we would applaud anyone who had managed to kick a drug habit and get themselves back into normal society in any way, but for Brown to achieve the academic and career success that she has is truly remarkable.
Book Review : Twilight - Stephenie Meyer**



You never thought that vampires could suck so much, sorry, couldn't help myself, much like Stephenie Meyers couldn't stop herself from writing hundreds of pages of largely plot free inane teenage drivel.

An awful lot of people must be very easily satisfied to have propelled this novel to its worldwide mega selling status. Apart from its turgid prose and endless teenage waffling with no point or purpose, it is the ill thought out tissue thin plot lines that realy get under your skin.

Imagine you are a vampire, you're pale, really pale, where would you choose to live where you can blend in with the population and not be easily noticed ?
a) A small town where pretty much everyone knows everyone, and where it is always cloudy and rains a lot (seriously Ms Meyer, just point on a map of the USA to a town where it is always cloudy).
b) A big city where all colours and creeds rub along together and a few really pale people won't stand out, think city goths.

That's right, they went for the small town option, and then they sign up for school, which ensures they have to move on every two years or so. Are these the most stupid vampires in literary history ? Why attend school, they don't need to (or perhaps considering their lack of mental aptitude, maybe they do) and it puts them at the heart of the nosiest section of society, surely school students have extensive checks made on them ? 5 students who don't use MySpace or Facebook, that would mark you out as slightly different in this day and age, but the real stunner is that in all the time they attend school not a single person (except the incoming new girl) has noticed that THEY DON'T EAT ANYTHING. EVER. They attend the dining hall every day and never touch a morsel.

I also found the utter lack of real sexual tension unbelievable, the two main characters are supposed to be around 17 years of age (ok, so one is a vampire of 100 years, but he was 17 when he became a vampire) but Meyer's rose tinted view of late teenage life is as much fantasy as vampires are, seventeen and no interest in drink, smoking, drugs or sex ? I remember that along with rock music that was pretty much all I was really interested in at 17.

Sadly the novel abounds with stupidities like these, of the rest of it, teenage girl meets vampire - falls in love - other vampires arrive - there is fighting (all off page sadly), the plot is thin and the characters thinner. Bella and the vampire Edward engage in protracted conversations about almost nothing which advance the plot not one jot and which take up dozens of pages at a stretch, the book weighs in at 440 pages, but a decent editor could have trimmed 150 of useless waffle from that, and then I'd have wasted less time in reading it.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Lights Motor Action



These big set piece shows at the various Disney parks have all been really good, this one was a car chase and stunt sequence in cars and motorbikes.








Adventuring



Adventuring is taking the children for a short walk 'into the wild' (or along the side of a field to me and you), and seeing what we can find.



This cheeky squirrel threw nut husks at me whilst I was trying to photograph it.

Friday, February 13, 2009

What's Down That Hole Then Stephen ?





Messing around in Epcot after a long, hot and sticky day.


This is the rear view along the street on which we're renting a house, those weird black structures are mosquito cages around the outdoor pools, but they do give the place a strange, military complex look.
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'


The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'

(Thanks to MR)
A Spot Of Late Night Excitement



About three houses down from our rented home last night as fire engines, ambulances and police helicopters all converged on what seemed, thankfully, to be a false alarm.

I can't work out the numbering system here, our house is 315, the house to the left is 325, the one after is 335, so the next one is 345 right ? Wrong, it's 407, and the one after that, 451. I bet the pizza delivery bloke has a hard time of it round here.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

TBR Challenge 2009

1) Shipwrecked On Top Of The World - David Roberts
2) Shakespeare - Bill Bryson*****
3) The Geographer's Library - Jon Fasman
4) Atonement - Ian McEwan
5) Omega - Jack McDevitt
6) Kim - Rudyard Kipling
7) A Piece Of Cake - Cupcake Brown*****
8) The Bible : The Biography - Karen Armstrong
9) Life During Wartime - Lucius Shepherd
10) Rubicon Beach - Steve Erikson
11) Taking On The World - Ellen MacArthur***
12) John Peel - Mick Wall

Not a bad start to clearing my bookshelves of some some term lingerers.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009



Prayer flags at the Tiger compound in Disney's Animal Kingdom.

Animal Kingdom

Which is Disney's recreation of an African wildlife reserve, we went out on the 'safari', actually a very safe but very bumpy truck ride around the enclosures containing the animals that were least likely to eat the visitors. It really was bumpy, as my numerous wobbly, blurry photographs will demonstrate, here is out of focus vanishing Gnu......



And indistinct warthog....



I also got snaps of dissapearing Lion, off centre Giraffe and just moved off frame Rhino, it's harder than it looks this wildlife photography lark.



Then though, as the truck pauses for a moment, a flock of White Ibis fly past and I manage the only decent shot of the whole safari ride.

It was a bit easier to take pics of the caged animals as we walked around, I liked the fruibats.





And the Tigers, although I am glad that they were on the other side of a very thick sheet of glass.





There were also these strange creatures......





Stephen's expression is the result of about my 15th attempt at taking a picture without him looking like he's entering the all Yorkshire Gurning Competition and my ever more exasperated cries of "Stop doing that, you look like Albert Steptoe".

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Summit Plummit



If there is a look of absolute horror on my face at the of this ride, it is because I have just come down the Summit Plummit water slide, a twelve story drop which reaches speeds of 60mph. It was so much fun that neither me nor Wosser did it a second time.

And if you forget to cross your legs on the way down you can wear your testicles as ear rings.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Disney Studios



I really enjoyed our day here, as well as the stunning recreation of various scenes from Indiana Jones movies performed on three vast mobile sets we saw the High School Musical dancers (which Wosser and myself probably enjoyed for completely different reasons from the children, very delightful young ladies they were), the kids played in the Honey I Shrunk The Kids playground, we flew to Endor on a Star Wars space shuttle, saw Prince Caspian and rode the Aerosmith rollercoaster.

Last night Mrs YS treated us all to a shellfish buffet, and Stephen was most brave as he sampled clams, crayfish, crab and scallops. Natalie of course is more like her friend Yorkshiresoul, we're just a pair of human food hoovers as we ate our way through an eclectic mix of clam chowder, roast beef, deep fried catfish, grilled tilapia, prawns, crab legs and hush puppies.

Now at home I am quite aware that Hush Puppies are a brand of footwear, and apparently it's just the same in the USA, except that over here they breadcrumb and deep fry them.

The service everywhere is brilliant, servers are polite, happy and charming, especially in the Disney parks where they really do go out of their way to be nice and friendly and make sure you are having a good time.
Magic Kingdom



All the gang, sans me, in front of the Disney castle.
Magic Kingdom

Unless you are the world's biggest grump, you can't fail to enjoy Disney. I know this seems to go against everything I write about the evils of big business and corporate brainwashing, but Disney just do it so well.



The dancers with the Disney parade.



All the gang, minus Mrs YS who doesn't really do anything involving sudden plunges, on the Big Splash Mountain. Yesterday the mini adventurers Stephen and Natalie outdid themselves by going on their first really fast ride, the excellent Aerosmith Rock 'n Rollacoaster.



Snow White at the Disney parade.
Breakfast In America



All the food you can see in this photograph was my breakfast on Saturday morning at Cracker Barrel.

2 pork chops
3 fried eggs
2 'biscuits' (these are plain scones to Brits)
1 grits (bugger only knows, a tepid stodgy substance with all the flavour and texture of wallpaper paste)
1 'gravy' (a sort of chicken veloute/bechemel)
1 apples (lovely, in a sweet cinnamon syrup)
1 hash browns
as much coffee as you can drink, and all for $9

At the end of the fortnight I expect to have doubled my weight.

Friday, February 06, 2009

On Our Way

After yesterday's rushed travel arrangements due to snow, we actually arrived in London in good time for dinner, wine and acouple of hours dissapointing test match viewing.

The rail website had told us to get to Leeds station and take the first available train to London, staff at Leeds had not been told this and were at first unwilling to let us on an earlier train, but, Wosser had cleverly thought to print off a copy of the web page and with proof at hand we were let onto a Southbound train.

We're in Gatwick airport now, flying to Florida soon. Oh yes, sunshine and warmth !

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

3 Yorkshire Blogs

Leeds Daily Photo

Leeds Grub

York Daily Photo

Attempted Suicide By Giant Snowball

Robert Mugabe's Yorkshire Roots Revealed

Yes, I'm afraid it is true, just say his name backwards and the truth becomes obvious.
Alien Structures



Seen on the golf course this morning.
Walking Yorkshire - A Stroll Around The Garden



The 3rd green this morning with Rombald's / Addingham Moor rising in the background.



The 11th green and bunkers.



Looking along the River Wharfe.



This little floating hutch is a mink trap, mink need trapping because they are bastards and will destroy all the native wildlife (birds, fish, crayfish etc) that live along the river.



Looking up the 7th fairway with Beamsley Beacon in the background.

See the same view in summer here.



Badger tracks, old Brock's been for a fair old wander around the course.