Sunday, June 28, 2009

King Of Metal Is Dead

The world's of heavy metal and industrial strength narcotics were left reeling today by the sudden and unexpected death of Lemmy from Motorhead.

Lemmy, real name Ian Fraser Kilmister, is said to have died at home, in the arms of three groupies, from a heart attack, although as yet unconfirmed rumours say that paramedics had to beat his liver to death with a large stick several hours later.

Lemmy sold quite a lot of records in his 40+ year rock and roll career, and wrote the classic metal song Ace Of Spades, which frankly pisses all over Billie Jean.

Conspiracy theorists are already claiming that Lemmy died after taking a lethal cocktail of Jack Daniel's, cocaine, Ecstasy, Quaalude and warfarin, however, sources close to the veteran rocker claim that this was the same breakfast Lemmy had consumed each morning since 1973.

There have been spontaneous outpourings of grief all over the world. In London, 5 fans gathered at the site of the former Marquee Club, and in an emotionally charged meeting they drank Carlsberg Special Brew and sang classic Motorhead songs like Go To Hell, Dancing In Your Grave and Die You Bastard.

No fans gathered at the hospital where Lemmy's body was initially taken, a random metal fan we found down the pub said "What's the point ? He's dead."

An autopsy has revealed that medical science does not understand just how Lemmy has lived this long, a second autopsy has been demanded by doctors who couldn't fit into the auditorium for the first one.

A huge legal fight is now expected to break out in order to secure the rights to Lemmy's three drug stashes.

2 comments:

  1. YS you've killed Lemmy. He's been trying for over 60 years and you finish him off....

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  2. Top stuff.

    I've got first dibs on the warts, they were the babe magnets

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