Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sex Ban May Meet "Stiff Resistance"

Wonderful, the the BBC's Anne Waithera uses some unfortunate phrasing when talking about a possible politically inspired nookie ban in Kenya.
Hello, This Is Radio 1, And This Is The News......For Idiots

I sometimes wonder at the level at which the news on Radio 1 is pitched, are their listeners really so thick that they need their headlines and news content dumbed down to this level, well two R1 listeners who texted in to this afternoon's news show sadly confirmed that it was true.

First up was Debbie, who felt she had to text R1 to announce that she had laid in extra stocks of tissues in case she contracted swine flu. Debbie, dear child, you have totally failed to comprehend the difference between swine flu, a slight sniffle and the bubonic plague, but you are prime R1 listener material.

Listener number two, whose name has not imparted itself to my memory, phoned up to expound his theory that Swine flu wasn't actually all that dangerous at all and therefore he would be ignoring all health advice and travel restrictions. His reasoning for this ? Because he had read somewhere that more people across the world die from peanut allergies. Yes, but not in such a short span of time, and if the bloke sitting next to on the bus dies from anaphylactic shock from a food allergy, it's not going to infect you is it you muppet ?!!

Radio 1, because our listeners really are this stupid.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Latest Government Advice On How to Avoid Contracting Swine Flu

Stop breathing in.
Anti-procrastination tool
Daily Mail Takes The Measured View, As Always

(By Peter G over at b3ta)
Album Review : Crooked Timber - Therapy?****

It has been quite a while since I last bought a Therapy? album, about 14 years or so, and so since I added Infernal Love to my cd collection back in 1995 I have missed over half of the Belfast band's studio output. Therapy? now have seven albums available on emusic, so on the strength of this effort I might just fill up the holes in my back catalogue.

Therapy? have always seemed to straddle a midway point between metal and punk, they play music that can be arguably either, or both, big riffs combined with staccato drums and shouty vocals, enough to please followers of both camps.

Since the last album I heard, it's obvious that Therapy? under founder member and lyricist Andy Cairns havn't got any happier, a strong current of misery and discontentment runs through the album, the song titles echoing the desperation bleeding through the lyrics, Blacken the Page, The Head That Tried To Strangle Itself, I Told You I Was Ill. Don't go thinking that Clowns Galore with a jangly opening guitar is going to be a barrel of laughs either, Cairns might be singing "It keeps us happy" but he makes it sound anything but.

Drummer Neil Cooper does a grand job on this album, his percussion is slightly stripped and bare, clearly defined and off beat in the manner of Lars Ulrich back when he was a great sticksman.

The penultimate track on the album is a ten minute musical epic named Magic Mountain which moves nicely between, dare I say it, happy and positive guitar work and rumbling bass heavy riffs.

The final track on Crooked Timber is a real treat, Bad Excuse For Daylight grates slowly into life, shuddering and building with heavy guitars, bam bam bam drums, then changes into another heavy but clipped riff as Cairns pours more misery laden lyrics into the mix, the haunting refrain of "In this bad excuse for daylight, I feel, less...." makes way for a warped guitar hook. Love it, play it back to back with the grim Diane from Infernal Love and you've got more anguish and desolation that most folks prefer in their music, but for those of us who cleave to the dark side, it's wonderful.
A blonde just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dub Side Of The Moon

Ha ha, what a find, Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon re-done as a dub reggae album by the Easy Star All-Stars, I've never heard of this before, but it has a certain mad genius to it.
Afro Beat

Awesome Tapes From Africa is a an African music blog with lots of free downloads on a 'click and save to' link.

There is all sorts of stuff here, Senegalese rap, Arabic vocal groups from Morocco, agbadza from Ghana, Zimbabwean afrobeat, and a rather splendidly named gentleman from Nigeria called Chief Commander Ebenezer Obey and his Miliki Sound, oh yes, I'm going to download that one.

I'm just listening to aforementioned Senegalese rap, a group called Bideew Bou Bess, the sound quality is a bit average, but still, listen, learn, expand your horizons.
Inter species harmony in Star Wars

Very rude, NSFW etc

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Vaughan Demonstrates New Stroke

Michael Vaughan's new project involves putting his batting skills to a new use in a Jackson Pollock style, striking a paint covered ball against a canvas to produce works of art.

Batting Under Lights, Micahel Vaughan.

Michael Vaughan's Artballing.

You can buy works of art from the site, and a percentage of the profits will be given to the Professional Cricketers Association Benevolent Fund and the Prostate Cancer charity.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Boy Done Good

We had a mildly busy day at work yesterday, 52 people for breakfast, three different lunch menus for 52 again, one a single course, the other 2 parties on different two course options, then a teatime buffet for 73, all the casual golfers that required feeding, and finally an evening meal service for 32.

Chef Phil worked alongside me like an absolute trooper to get all the daytime meals out and the evening meal prepped up, and we were ably supported by Mrs YS who ensures tht all the tables are set, the rooms tidy, the staff are in place, the wages paid, the tax done etc etc, and the waiting on crew for the day, Amelia, Rob and Sophie, and the bar staff Phil and Julia, well done everyone.

Now it is Saturday and we're going to do it all over again, a busy medal competition, buffet for 26, pie and peas for 80 to go out, 3 course dinner for 55. Hurrah, summer is here and we're earning money again.
Album Review : Everyday Demons - The Answer*****

Do you like AC/DC, Rainbow, Deep Purple, Thin Lizzy, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith ? If the answer is "Hell Yes!", then you already like The Answer, even if you havn't heard them yet. This Irish outfit have been out on AC/DC's Black Ice world tour as the support band, promoting this, their second studio album, Black Ice has been AC/DC's most successful ever tour and thus The Answer have put themselves in the best possible position to advance their own cause.

The Answer are steeped in classic rock traditions, they play songs with a proper verse chorus solo structure, Cormac Neeson's voice is right up there with the really great rock vocalists and the rest of the band can really play, and hellfire Neeson certainly does look the part, see that hair, that's Robert Plant's from 1974 that is.

Songwise, it's an embarrassment of riches, the album opens up with the jaunty Demon Eyes with it's AC/DC and southern rock influences, you can get your head banging to this and it just doesn't stop, Walkin' Mat, Why'd You Change Your Mind, On And On, the album is packed with great rock songs.

Paul Rodgers reckons they're the best band since Free, high praise indeed, and from a bloke who knows a thing or two about rock music. If you buy the album, look out for the limited edition red cover version, it includes an album length live recording from Tokyo which has most of their debut album Rise, plus some decent covers (Sweet Emotion for example), well worth shelling out a couple of extra quid for.

It's a five star album all the way through, from the faster rockier tracks, down to the Zeppelin-esque Comfort Zone, it's a real treat for any classic rock fan, and if you find you have another few quid to spare, check out The Answers debut album rise, Memphis Water and Preachin' from that album are going to plaster a great big dirty grin across your face. The Answer sound like the 70's, and that's a good thing, big bands in the 70's used to shift millions of albums and perform in front of hundreds of thousands of fans because they were really bloody good, and that's The Answer, really bloody good.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dragon Problems ? Maiden In Need Of Rescue ?

You need a St. George then, slayer of mythical beasts, wearer of the red cross, saviour of princesses.

Happy St. George's Day everybody, it's great to be English.

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz Series 7.2: Answers

Oh dear, was it all a bit sudden then ? Only two quizzers last week...

MR 9
Mr Moosehead 8

1) Whose national flag is this ?


2) In which country could you spend this banknote ?

North Korea

3) Which city is this, and a bonus point if you get the building name as well ?

Warsaw, Palace of Culture and Science

4) Name this woman ?

Harper Lee

5) Name this man ?

B B King

6) In mathematics, name the rule that assigns a unique value to each item of a given set ?

A function

7) What is the Japanese drama form influenced by Zen, originally performed by Buddhist priests which features almost no plot or characterisation but which seeks to provide a moment of insight using masks, dance, music and song ?

No drama/theatre

8) Name the situation in nature where two species live in close association but only one partner benefits, and the other partner neither gains nor loses ?


9) This city was built on land purchased from the Maoris, it handles about 60% of its nation's trade and has the highest Polynesian population of any city in the world, name it ?


10) Which author is famous for portraying lonely, disaffected characters frustrated bu the boring, conformist world. He shot to fame with the publication of his debut, and only, novel in 1951 ?

J D Salinger


1) Mr Moosehead 18
1) MR 18
3) Amelia S 8
4) Dominic L 6
5) Penny Farthing 5

What happened to the other quizzers then ? Oh well, next instalment....sometime ;-)

Good luck, and please don't put answers in the comments.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Snouts In The Trough

Pictured above, an MP, it might be mine, it might be yours, the only certain thing is that they will be stuffing their wallets and bank balances as full of our money as they can.

All round hypocrite of the first order at the moment is probably Labour MP and Work Minister Tony McNulty. McNulty said recently that "he did not break any rules" and has acted in an ethical manner, he was commenting on the fact that he had claimed £60,000 of taxpayers money in the past few years as a second home allowance. Oddly though, McNulty's original home is something in the region of 11 miles away from Parliament, I am sure that there are hundreds of thousands of people who commute further than this every day.

It just seems at the moment that our elected MP's believe that they should pay for nothing at all out of their own pockets. According to figures published by the Daily Mail, my own MP, Mrs Anne Cryer earned in 2008 a basic salary of £64,766, on top of that she received pension contributions of £17,357, and then claimed expenses of £247,183. Now I do understand that some expenses claimed by MP's go towards valid outgoings such as the cost of office rentals, communications, postage and wages for office employees.

I also understand that our MP's claim money for transport, eating out, digital television sets, hi-fi systems, carpets, coffee tables and porn movies, the sort of day to day expense that the average working person just has to pay out of his wage after tax and NI deductions.

The Nu-Labour government who came to power partly by saying that they would be 'whiter than white' and would rid Parliament of 'Tory sleaze' are now deep in that mire themselves, they seem grab every opportunity to further line their own pockets whilst in their constituencies jobs are lost, homes are repossessed and the ensuing financial stress tears families apart. The Opposition are no better though, R5 news last week reported on the Tory MP who was also a property developer with a portfolio of around four dozen houses to his name, and who yet still had the outright cheek and utter lack of shame to claim a second home allowance in London.

Trust in our politicians is at its lowest ever ebb, the constant mealy mouthed prevarication and side stepping that we hear on a daily basis from the likes of Jacqui Smith is only serving to deepen the level of distrust that the public feel and will further alienate people from political involvement.

Our MP's really need to clean up their act, hypocrisy is the most unforgivable of sins in an MP. They earn an amount of money which seems fantastic to people who work long hours in the sort of jobs that keep the country running, the factory and dock workers, nurses and junior teachers, the call centre workers and the cooks, there are millions who work very hard for a fraction of even an MP's basic salary.

Where have all our political heroes gone ? Is their no-one left who is worthy of our trust ? I'd really love it if someone could write in and say something along the lines of "My MP is awesome, he doesn't claim vast wads of extra cash, he attends a high percentage of parliamentary debates and holds regular constituency sessions, and he does what he says he will do," but does such a mythical figure actually exist in British politics today today ?
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A guy walks up and flashes at them. One of the women has a stroke........ the other couldn't quite reach.

(thanks to Rachel)
Frederick Delius - Tyke

Frederick Delius the classical composer of numerous works including On Hearing the First Cuckoo In Spring, Irmelin, Florida Suite and Loanga, was born in the fair Yorkshire city of Bradford in 1862. His parents had moved from Germany to try and establish themselves in Yorkshire's booming wool industry, but Frederick showed few signs of wanting to enter the family business as he grew up, instead spending some time in a Florida grapefruit plantation.

Delius went on to first study and then teach music in the USA and had his first success in publishing music there, he later married and moved to live in France. during his youth Delius had contracted syphilis, which eventually blinded him and left him partially paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair, still he continued to compose music, employing a young man who had written him a fan letter to physically write the scores.

After his death in 1934 Frederick Delius was originally buried in France, but was later exhumed and taken to England as he he had written in his will that he wished to be buried in a 'quiet country churchyard in a south of England village.' He was buried in Limpsfield, Surrey, and huge crowds attending this second, public funeral. His wife died shortly after and was interred in the same grave which lies only yards from that of Sir Thomas Beecham, the conductor and impresario and great champion of Deluis' work.

You can listen to samples of his work here at
In India, You Can Lock A Man Up, But You Can't Deny Him His Cricket

About 500 prisoners went on hunger strike after authorities refused to let them watch Indian Premier League matches on cable TV, inmates can only watch state run TV channels, police said.

(Seen on Reuters)
Build It And They Will Come

After the endless farce that was the building of the new Wembley Stadium, it might have been thought that especially in these times of economic downturn that we might well struggle to get ready for the 2012 Olympics, but look at that picture, that is the new Olympic stadium last week and it is already half built.

In fact, strangely the huge £9.3 billion planned Olympic spend could now be seen as a godsend to thousands of construction workers at sites across London and the UK who otherwise might well have lost their jobs.

London 2012
It's The Courteous Arm Of The Law

(Found on b3ta)
Talking Music

The subject was Eminem, whom young Phil had claimed to be the greatest songwriter ever.

Me - "I'll admit he does some interesting things with words, but in terms of rhythm and melody he's hardly Lennon-McCartney is he ?"

Phil - "Who ?"

Me - "You are not allowed to discuss music ever again young man."

Then I was expounding my current theory that the Decemberists awesome new album The Hazards Of Love should propel them into the mainstream and turn them into a big unit shifting band, but that considering the musical taste of the general public I also expected them to fail to appreciate the beauty of the album. Paula asked if I had ever considered if it was in fact the case that the general public had good taste in music and I was the odd one out ?

Of course not dear Paula, the general public has made McDonalds the most popular 'restaurant' in the world, I am secure in the belief that my musical taste is impeccable.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"It Was Like Being Beaten By The Taliban"

So said Nicola Fisher, who was slapped and struck with a baton by a police officer at the G20 protests when she failed to heed his command to move back. There is no evidence though that Fisher had first hand experience of being beaten by the Taliban, unless she plays on line poker against them.

Nicola is so incensed at this apparent act of police brutality that she went straight to the office of the best lawyer in the country to demand justice. Max Clifford, oh hang on, that's not right is it, Clifford isn't a lawyer at all, he's that publicist bloke who turns the tawdry lives of talentless people into celebrity magazine fodder.

So, how is this for a conspiracy theory, out of work young woman attends tense protest, surrounds herself with film crews and press photographers, goads a policeman into hitting her, and then goes to a publicist and sells her story to make a quick buck. Hey, I'm not saying that it did happen that, but it could you know, it could.
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obessesive compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities press 3,4 5 and 6
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press
If you are depressive it doesnt matter which button you press, nobody will answer you
If you are dyslexic press 69, 69, 69, 69
If you are the nervous sort please fidget with the # key untill the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep
If you have a short term memory loss please try your call again later
And if you have low self esteem hang up - we are too busy to talk to you

Thursday, April 16, 2009

An old lady turns to her son at the old folks home:

"Oh dear, she giggles, "I seem to have let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

"Well", says her son, "I'd get a new battery for your hearing aid."

Yes, It Is A Dancing Budgie

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eulogy For The Funeral Of Tommy Jarvis

Thomas Henry Jarvis, put under starters orders on the 9th October 1910, ran the full race distance clearing all the jumps, crossed the finish line on the 2nd April 2009.
Tommy was the son of Henry Jarvis and Mary Hannah Yorke, who had been married on New Year’s Day 1910 in Darlington.

Tommy’s father died when he was just 3 years old. Henry was a railwayman and had been called out to a train crash on a winter’s night, the crossing man had been drunk and not awakened in time to open the gates for the Teeside express, which was derailed with no injuries. Henry however contracted double pneumonia on top of his existing cold and died shortly afterwards.

When Tommy was still at school he had a paper round, and aged 9, although he told the milkman he was a year older, he took on a milk round. He also worked at the corner shop weighing out goods and taking out deliveries on Saturdays. These jobs were to support the household, the family were poor after the death of Tommy’s father and without the income he provided the family would not have been able to stay in their home.

When he was aged 14 his Grandma Yorke died, and he came to live with and work for his Uncle John Lancaster, a Menston farmer. Tommy laboured on the farm, he was a ploughman, delivered coal for Burley Co-Op and invested, with a partner, in some pigs. One day, unbeknownst to Tommy, his partner sold the pigs and emigrated, catching the boat to America from Liverpool. When Tommy arrived to feed the pigs, even the hut had been sold, this taught Tommy a lifelong lesson about partnerships in business.

Tommy met Elsie at the Blue Lagoon in Guiseley and walked her home that night, they arranged to meet the following Saturday. Elsie asked Tommy if he would to join her and Burley Ramblers on a walk around Fewston reservoir, Tommy replied that as he spent all week walking behind two horses backsides, he’d rather not.

Tommy asked Elsie whether she would prefer an engagement ring or the deposit on a house, Elsie said that it was a funny proposal, but she chose the house. Tommy knew a builder who was building houses in Fenton Street, Burley-In-Wharfedale for £250 each, Tommy asked if he would take £5 less for Number 11, and that’s what he paid.
Elsie was working as a nurse, at Scalebor Park Hospital, she told Tommy there was a job going and he arrived promptly for his 10am interview, he was seen rather less promptly at 2 that afternoon having been kept waiting for four hours, but he interviewed well and got the job.

He started the same day as two other well liked local men, Harry Renton, uncle of the present Red Lion landlord Sam, and Stan Bonner, whose son is a well known electrical engineer from Ilkley. He quickly qualified as both a State and Mental Registered Nurse.

Tommy and Elsie were married on 22nd February 1936 at Burley Parish Church, the reception was held upstairs at the Malt Shovel, they would remain happily married until Elsie passed away in 1986.

Tommy began taking bets at Scalebor, and on some days was a racecourse clerk for a certain William Hill.

In 1940 Tommy had become friendly with a number of jockeys, and one jockey was convinced that his horse was going to win the Lincolnshire Handicap, Tommy and a group of friends from the snug at the Red Lion were about to put a large amount of money on the horse when Tommy had another meeting with the jockey, this time the rider had news for Tommy. In training another horse had run against him and had beaten the syndicate’s horse soundly, this horse was called Quartier Maitre, and Tommy’s syndicate switched their bet.

Grandad was a great natural story teller, and although I am not going to tell you the whole story of the race, the impressions of the commentators that Grandad could do were marvellous, he could remember and repeat word perfect the race commentary and it was a story I always enjoyed the telling of.

Quartier Maitre won the race easily, coming in many lengths clear and between them the syndicate won over £2,000, a considerable sum of money.

Tommy had a few beers to celebrate, and then a few beers more and showing another Jarvis trait, a bit of temper, decided he was going up to the hospital to tell them where to stuff their job. Elsie told him he was going to do no such thing and helped him fill the pannier of his pushbike with bottles of ale to distribute to his workmates.

Tommy and Elsie had two sons, my father Jack was born to them in 1940, and Alan in 1945, the two sons brought him nothing but joy and happiness and never fell through the door drunk or borrowed and crashed his new car. Elsie had two sisters, Lillian and Mary, and Mary’s daughter Margaret became like an older sister to Jack and Alan, and Tommy treated her like a daughter. They remained firm friends throughout their lives, they talked on the phone every week until Margaret passed away and were a regular fixture at family do’s, chattering away together and making sure the barman was kept busy.

Tommy was attacked at work by a violent patient, an attack which left him blind for two weeks, and retired from Mental Nursing in 1944 through injury. He began bookmaking full time, opening a small office in Burley-In-Wharfedale, shortly after this he also started a football coupon business and he always said that the fastest and most reliable checker of coupons he ever has was his dear wife Elsie.
Tommy had eight betting shops, including the old cinema in Shipley to which coach loads of punters came out from Bradford to place bets. Tommy used to tell me that even if a man had lost all his wages, he always gave him his bus fare and the price of a chip supper.

“That was very generous of you” I said.

“Generous nothing,” replied Tommy. “If a man has to walk home hungry I’ll not see him again, but if he rides home with a full belly he’ll be back next week.”

They moved from their first house on Fenton Street to a larger property, Great Normans on Southfield Road, and moved again in 1963 when he had his own home designed and built for him on Langford Lane, Aintree as it was named was a very modern place and won the architect’s award for home of the year.

Tommy was very busy outside the bookies, he was a member of the Bookmakers Protection Association which campaigned for the legalisation of betting, he was an Ilkley Councillor, was twice master of Olicana Lodge, owned the Wharfedale Finance Company and also stood on the greyhound tracks at Bradford and Keighley. He was also a life member of York and Ripon racecourses and an honorary life member of Burley Rifle Club and Ilkley Bowling Club.

In his time as an Ilkley Councillor he was once telephoned at midnight with a complaint that a gentleman’s bins had not been emptied, Tommy waited until 2am and then phoned back to assure the gentleman his bins would be emptied promptly that morning, the gentleman’s 2am reply I’m afraid unrepeatable.

Elsie was Tommy’s first and only girlfriend in his youth, they had been married for exactly 50 years when Elsie died in 1986. Tommy moved to Leconfield House in Ilkley, and two years later he re-met the sister of his best man, Tommy and Alice struck up a great friendship and they enjoyed holidays and time together until Alice moved to Spain to be with her daughter Carol.

Tommy loved family, and in his later years nothing made him happier than seeing his Grandchildren and then Great Grandchildren, he always had a smile, and a pound or two, for the little ones, and Elizabeth, Kirsten, Thomas, William and myself, the grandchildren, and Joseph, Ellie, John and Aimee, the great grandchildren, will warmly remember his kind smile, his tales, and his generosity. When his Granddaughter Elizabeth used to visit him with his Great Granddaughter Ellie, Tommy would tell Ellie to put both her hands out, he then placed a pound in each hand and they both said together “One for Ellie, and one for Joe.”

He wasn’t always an angel though, during the Second World War a police sergeant pulled Tommy over as he was driving home, Tommy realising too late that he had an open envelope filled with petrol vouchers on the passenger seat. The sergeant helped himself to a handful of vouchers and thanked him for his contribution to the Police Benevolent fund. “I’m just glad he didn’t ask me to open the boot,” he said later. “There were two freshly slaughtered pigs in there and I didn’t want to donate those as well.”

One afternoon at the Red Lion we had a bit of bother and had to eject two local roughs from the pub, five minutes later we had to run up the road to rescue Tommy who had gone after them waving a pool cue, he was eighty years old at the time.
We had to stop Tommy from driving when his eyesight began to fail, one day in Burley he stopped for me as I walked over the zebra crossing, I gave him a cheery wave which was not returned. In the pub I asked him why he had been so miserable and hadn’t waved back, “My eyes arn’t so good,” he said. “I can’t really see much beyond the end of the bonnet.”

Tommy loved a party, he liked a drink or three, and he loved the family, he was always happiest when these three things could be combined, I remember him at my wedding regaling one of my friends with the words “I’m Eighty Seven years old and I can still drink 15 pints.” That was my Grandad, the oldest teenager in town.

Tommy lived independently until the day when he went to hospital where he died peacefully in the company of his sons. Tommy had decided to donate his body to medical science and his body was duly offered to the teaching hospital, who sent it back with a note saying “This man’s liver appears to have been pickled in Carlsberg.”

Some people are taken before their time, but Tommy Jarvis was not, he led a very long and full life and I am sure everyone here was grateful to be a part of it. Our vicar Michael Burley will now say a few words, and afterwards we ask that you all join us at the Red Lion at Burley for a beer or three and more of Tommy’s tales.
"He has everything a boxer needs, except speed, stamina, a punch and the ability to take punishment. In other words, he owns a pair of shorts," - Sports writer Blackie Sherrod assessment of a heavyweight fighter.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sheffield Wednesday Football Club

Sheffield Wednesday are a Yorkshire football club, founded in 1895 by the boys of the Chimbley Sweeps & Sewer Grotters Guild, the club has had a long and illustrious history which includes such highlights as winning the Harry's Hardware Store Cup (Under 14's section) in 1996 and getting the runners up spot in the Team Fancy Dress event at Hillsborough Fair in 2001.

Let me take you on a photographic tour of Sheffield Wednesday.....

Wednesday's home ground, Hillsborough, is unfortunately built next door to Sheffield's main sewage works, and on rainy days, or after busy Friday nights, the works often overflow with unfortunate results for the footy fans next door.

It must be said, that parts of the stadium have seen better days, this damage was caused when fans overreacted at the most exciting event seen at Sheff Wed in recent years, Bob the pie seller unveiled a new batch of pies rumoured not to be made from dogfood.

Still, on a Saturday afternoon, the loyal fans throng to Hillsborough.

Sheffield Wednesday are famous for their loyalty to their players, pictured here is Tom Groatsworth who signed for the club in 1957 and is still the first choice striker every Saturday. Tom last scored a goal in 1958 but the fans love him and their chants of "The ball's over there you blind bugger" are a constant source of amusement at Hillsborough.

Owls manager Brian Laws has made a number of new signings in the January transfer window, pictured here is defender Salvovlan Misovlolich signed after an unfortunate transposition typing error listed his age as 29.

In recent years, Sheff Wed have struggled somewhat, and silverware has been hard to come by, as this glance at the club's trophy cabinet shows.

Still, every morning Brian Laws awards himself the egg cup, and his little toast soldiers make him feel just a little bit happier.

Things may be looking up for Wednesday though, this week the club announced a new Youth Scholarship programme to develop young players, and signed a new Youth Team Coach as well.....

(and the moral of this story is.....when elder brother in law allows you the use of his office and laptop, though shalt not write rude messages about Leeds United all over his notebooks.)
"He covers every blade of grass, but that's only because his first touch is crap," - Dave Jones - Southampton Manager, talking about Carlton Palmer.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Death And Resurrection Show

(Christ You Know It Ain't Easy by Sarah Lucas)

Happy Easter everybody.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Album Review : The Hazards Of Love - The Decemberists****

Colin Meloy has taken as his inspiration for this, the Decemberists fifth full studio album, an album of the same name released by English folk artist Anne Briggs in 1966. To augment the band's own vocals he has brought in Becky Stark from the folk/punk stage show Lavender Diamond, and singer-songwriter Shara Worden who is also known as My Brightest Diamond.

Meloy's cast of characters, Margaret, William, Rake and Queen move through a complex and fantastical story of love, lust and loss on the 17 song opus. There are two large musical variations on a theme, Hazards Of Love itself appears in four parts spread throughout the album, and the wonderfully hypnotic The Wanting Comes In Waves is reprised as well.

I can see Hazards making The Decemberists ever more popular, they shifted 300,000 copies of their previous album The Crane Wife (built around an ancient Japanese folk story) in the States, but at the same time, I can imagine that some of their existing fan base may well be alienated by some of the musical directions that HOL strikes off in.

One potential fan base divider is the awesome six and half minutes of The Wanting Comes In Waves/Repaid, the track begins with some of The Decemberists trademark lightweight quirky folk music, then a minute into the song a big muscular guitar riff bludgeons into the mix with Shara Worden singing over the top in a manner that echoes Clare Torry's vocals on Pink Floyd's The Great Gig In The Sky. I love this track, I think it is the stand out track of the album, but I love both folk and rock equally, people whose delicate indy/folk attuned ears arn't quite used to grungy rock riffs might turn off at this point, but who cares about them, this is great stuff.

After that comes the up tempo and heavy on the beat The Rake's Song with its chanted/shouted refrain of 'All right, all right' driving the song along, and yet more guitars make themselves felt on The Abduction Of Margaret which devolves twice into the sort of riff that would have classic metal fans banging their heads in appreciation.

Meloy explains his new departure into the realms of big guitars thus..."There’s an odd bond between the music of the British folk revival and classic metal, a natural connection between, like, Fairport Convention and Black Sabbath—of course, Sandy Denny from Fairport even sang with Led Zeppelin on ‘The Battle of Evermore.’

I'm with him on that, I love it when talented bands can cross and mix genres to create something that is not easily definable.

The Decemberists have made a brave move in bringing in two extra lead singers on this album, not all that many groups would appreciate outsiders stealing the glory as it were, but the two new voices only add to the creative mix. Also appearing on the album are English folk singer Robyn Hitchcock, Jim James from My Morning Jacket and Rebecca Gates from The Spinanes. Is it going to be possible to take this album out on the road ? Let's hope so, perhaps Meloy should look to Tobias Sammet's Avantasia project and make a tour a veritable showcase of indy / folk / rock vocal talent as Sammet does with the power metal / classic rock icons that pack the stage for Avantasia gigs.

This isn't to say though that HOL is a constant aural treat for metalheads, the album still remains defiantly Decemberists, the odd lyrics and idiosyncratic song structures are still there, and the band still have one foot in the soil of the new British folk movement. Meloy's voice of course remains both a strength and a hindrance, I can imagine that his slightly nasal vocal style may not appeal to the mass market. That said, Hazards Of Love is a skillful and adept concept album, there are numerous gems amidst its 17 tracks and the darkly beautiful lyrics are as always a joy to hear.
This Month's E-Music Downloads

Crooked Timber - Therapy ? : Northern Ireland's finest crossover punk metal noisy sods, is this their 12th studio album ? I have lost count.

Middle Cyclone - Neko Case : Moving slightly away from her more country influenced albums, Middle Cyclone shows wider references and lovely songs.

Stairs And Elevators + The Mountain - Heartless Bastards : Erika Wennerstrom's indy rock outfit are currently on tour with The Gaslight Anthem.

Vagabond - Spiers & Boden : The most prolific artists in new British folk release their fifth joint collaboration in between working with Bellowhead, Eliza Carthy, The Ratcatchers etc etc.

The Hazards Of Love - The Decemberists : Colin Meloy leads his previously quirky indy folk group into heavier, rockier waters with guest vocals from Becky Stark and Shara Worden, 17 songs long with an epic twisted love story holding them all together.

Woo ! My Horse Came 2nd

Well done Comply Or Die, coming in second place in the Aintree Grand National, £5 each way netted me £22.50, a sum profit of £2.50 on the day after my other horse, Battlecry, wasn't placed. A good year though, neither of my horses became Kat-O-Meat.

How did you do ?
Jade Goody Latest

In common with many other tabloids we have relied on endless stories about Jade Goody to keep our circulation up, and to be honest, for a short while at least, Jade getting terminal cancer was manna from heaven for us.

Now she's dead however, there might come a day when we actually run out of re-hashed / warmed over / made-up stories about Jade to titillate our dullard celebrity obsessed readership, and that really scares us.

In the meantime, we hope you buy this newspaper because there is a big picture of Jade on the front cover. Tomorrow we will be running a story called "Jade - Will Cloning Work ?." We very fervently hope the answer is yes.

(Copyright The Sun/Star/Mirror/Sport)
British Holiday Maker In Miracle Escape From Italian Quake

Paul Zealot, roving reporter for the Daily Mail/Express/Metro has today uncovered the story that will will warm British hearts, how Frank Butterworth of Sidcup avoided being crushed to death under hundreds of tons of rubble in a collapsed hotel in L'Aquila.

"We were very fortunate indeed," said Mr Butterworth yesterday. "In that we we were in Margate at the time, we always take our Easter holiday in Margate and although my wife Nancy rather fancied Torquay this year, I stood firm and Margate it is. Mind you, we did have dinner last week at Il Trovatorres Pizza Emporium, so that was a close shave."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Current Eulogy Length - War And Peace

You see, some people's lives written down would fit neatly into a pamphlet, other people have managed rather more stuff in their time and Grandad falls into the latter category. Everyone who passes on their condolences then goes on to say "and do you know about the time Tommy did....." followed by a long and funny story often involving beer / cars / horses / women / gambling / all five.

We've had a script meeting this afternoon to run everything past the legal advisers, to make sure we have included everyone who really needs to be included, and have missed out anyone who would be really offended / likely to launch legal action. Dad has compiled loads of notes for me to write from and many family members have added their own favourite anecdotes. It's coming together, and although we are presenting the Rough Guide rather than the Complete And Unabridged, it's still going be take a little while, I hope the seats at the crematorium are comfy.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz Series 7.2

The rules....

Please don't put answers in the comments.

E-mail your answers to me,, on/by Friday 17th April.

Don't supply multiple possible answers, I will mark them all as wrong.

1) Whose national flag is this ?

2) In which country could you spend this banknote ?

3) Which city is this, and a bonus point if you get the building name as well ?

4) Name this woman ?

5) Name this man ?

6) In mathematics, name the rule that assigns a unique value to each item of a given set ?

7) What is the Japanese drama form influenced by Zen, originally performed by Buddhist priests which features almost no plot or characterisation but which seeks to provide a moment of insight using masks, dance, music and song ?

8) Name the situation in nature where two species live in close association but only one partner benefits, and the other partner neither gains nor loses ?

9) This city was built on land purchased from the Maoris, it handles about 60% of its nation's trade and has the highest Polynesian population of any city in the world, name it ?

10) Which author is famous for portraying lonely, disaffected characters frustrated bu the boring, conformist world. He shot to fame with the publication of his debut, and only, novel in 1951 ?

Good luck, and please don't put answers in the comments.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Cat, Fishtank, Lols

Steel Panther "Death to All But Metal" (NSFW)

They're the new Darkness, sort of.

"Harrogate the queerest place, with the strangest people in it, leading the oddest lives" - Charles Dickens.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz : Series 7 Answers & League Table

1) Who is this ? (1)

Th author C S Lewis

2) What is this building ? (1)

The Sansad Bhavan, Indian Parliament Building

3) Who is this man ? (1)

Herman Van Rumpoy, the Prime Minister of Belgium

4) Here is a picture of a huge building dwarfing the city around it, where in the world is this building going to be constructed ? (1)

This is to be built in Mexico City by the architects OMA.

5) Who is this ? (1)

The up and coming Blackpool pop star Little Boots.

6) "Mercy on us, what a violent attack". These words are spoken by the second person to speak in a famous novel, character name and the name of the novel please ? (2)

These words are spoken by Prince Vasili in War And Peace.

7) What would happen to you if someone gave you a Scarborough Warning ? (1)

You would get no warning at all of what was to happen, you would be attacked without notice.

8) What was the name of the economics and customs agreement which came into existence in 1948 between the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg ? (1)

The Benelux agreement.

9) Name the elite Roman military unit which acted as the Emperor's personal guard but murdered three Emperors, deserted two others and was eventually replaced by the Scholae ? (1)

The Praetorian Guard

10) Which act of law created a refugee migration crisis of 11 million people as two independent states created along religious beliefs were created ? (1)

Indian Independence Act, or the Partition Of India

Week 1 League

1) Mr Moosehead 10
2) Amelia S 8
2) MR 8
4) Dominic L 6
5) Penny Farthing 5

Well done folks, Didier has ruled himself out of this series and no reply from former champion Dr P. I will get another quiz done as soon as I can, after I have written a lenghty eulogy (see post below).

Monday, April 06, 2009

Tommy Jarvis 1910 - 2009

Peacefully in hospital on the 2nd of April aged 98 years. Dearly beloved husband of the late Elsie, loving father of Jack and Alan, Father in law of the late Kathleen, Grandfather of Michael, Elizabeth, Kirsten, Thomas and William, Great Grandfather to Joseph, Ellie, John and Aimee.

Funeral service to be held at Rawdon crematorium on Wednesday 15th April at 1.40pm, family flowers only, donations may be made at the service to either the Injured Jockeys Fund or Ward 3 Airedale Hospital. Please dress up for a day at the races, this will be a celebration of a long life well lived.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Anyone For Spam ?

This was in my inbox this morning ?


I am privileged to contact you of an interest to invest a huge fund in your country.

Any Knowledge of business interest in the following sectors: Banking, Real Estate, Stock speculation, Film Industries, Mining, Transportation and Tobacco.

If you think you have a solid background and idea of making good profit in any of the mentioned business sectors in your country, please write me for possible business co-operation.

Engineer Jeff Joe."

I have duly replied......

"Dear Jeff Joe,

I did once smoke a cigar whilst watching a movie in my own house on which I had a mortgage, this seems to cover four, or perhaps five, of the sectors you are interested in, does this help ?

Yours, Mike

P.S. I owned a car at the same time, that makes it six !"

Friday, April 03, 2009

F1 Season Off To Thrilling Start

Now sports fans we're going to cross over live to the action as it happens.......

Commentary - "Coming around the first bend now, and clearly in the lead, it's the McLaren team headed up by Queen's Counsel Michael Taylor-Woodhead with the pack close behind him, I can see Prosecution Counsel Sir Geoffrey Winterhaven and Nigel Eddison who has only recently been called to the bar."

Taylor-Woodhead - "M'lud, it is my contention that my client did not, as has been stated by the prosecution, deliberately allow another driver to pass him on the home strait thus irrevocably altering the outcome of said motor vehicle speed test, but did in all honestly drive his automobile to the very best of his ability."

Sir Geoffrey Winterhaven for the Prosecution - "Sir, upon questioning the accused, in the first instance of inquiry he claimed to have allowed the vehicle allegedly driven by Jarno Trulli to pass him without due hindrance, but when the question was put before him a second time the accused changed his statement and I quote "It wasn't my fault guv, the boss told me to do it". I put it to you M'lud that this man's statement is a tissue of lies and we should all retire to the back room of the Dog & Gun for a pre-lunch snifter."

Lord Justice Sir William Buffington-Smythe - (Bangs gavel) "All in favour say aye".

All - "Aye"

Buffington-Smythe - "It's young Nigel's round, get 'em in Nigers."

Nigel Eddison - "Oh bugger off Willy, surely its your turn."

Buffington-Smythe - "You know full well Nigers that Jesus College alumni don't buy on Fridays."

Commentary - "And that's it for now F1 fans, a thrilling conclusion to the first court case of the season I'm sure you'll agree, join us here next week when we'll be showing the legal fall out from Australian Farcical 1 race."

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Ilkley Branded As White Middle Class Ghetto

"Best-selling author Jilly Cooper has leapt to the defence of Ilkley people after the town was branded “the most pretentious town in Yorkshire” by an online tourist guide.

She hit back after the Yorkshire Guide condemned Ilkley as “a white middle-class ghetto” where “you could spend days ... and not see a black face.”

Author Jilly, who grew up in Ilkley, said: “These comments are absolutely monstrous. I have lived in Ilkley and been back to Ilkley and it’s not a bit like that.

"It’s a ravishingly beautiful town. Ilkley is sweet, not smug – there is nothing pretentious about it.”

The author of the internet guide is Michael Collinson who works as an IT manager for the Ilkley-based internet firm UK Virtual College.

Mr Collinson, 50, who lives in Leeds, confirmed he was the owner of the website but declined to comment further."

The 'offending' article at Yorkshire Guide seems to have been removed.

I would just like to point out that Ilkers is a veritable hotpot of multi-culturalism, we have a very nice Polish girl who comes in to clean, there are at least two Scottish couples living in the town, I have personally met a man who once went on holiday to Turkey, and what is more, I did see a black face on the train last week, I think it was one of the chimbley sweep's lads.
Did you hear about the dyslexic madam?
She ran a warehouse.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
They asked, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
For Angels treat her uplands,
And Heaven's about her downs,
Her slumbering wolds a-gleaming,
With ittle ancient towns.

From tale enchanted castle,
To fairy-haunted glen:
There's witchery in Yorkshire,
For Yorkshire-fostered men.

- D Violet Dinsdale from Songs of Yorkshire
Designer Of The Future

This is a dance costume designed and created by waitress / chefling Georgie as part of her textiles coursework for school, isn't it good ? I do like talented people, and when she's flouncing down the Milan catwalk in a few year's time I'll be able to sell salacious stories to the gutter press about her :-)

Modelled by by Cecily.