I've decided to have a go at being a racist for a bit, I mean, it looks a bit of a laugh doesn't it ? Getting together with your mates and being a bit shouty on the street after three pints of Carling Extra Cold.
Anyway, it looks like I may have to make a few minor alterations to my lifestyle before I can join the BNP. I don't suppose you can enjoy and support parts of black or asian culture and be a fully fledged white nationalist.
Music, well obviously I'm going to have to stop listening to pretty much all my ska and reggae, no more Bob Marley, Alpha Blondie, Desmond Dekker or Tiken Jah Fakoly, and I suspect that my recent flirtation with Afro-beat music won't go down a storm with the stormtroopers, so out go the Fela Kuti and Staff Benda Bilili cd's. There are even a few non white faces in the ranks of my metal and punk library, so I'd better hide the stuff by Sepultura, Thin Lizzy and Metallica. I'm also a bit concerned about System Of A Down, arn't they Armenian ? Where do we budding white templars stand on Armenians, with them, or actually on them ?
The upside to the music thing is that I will never have to listen to any of the endless derivative misogynistic rap crap that some of the girls bring in to work, a simple "I can't listen to this as I've become a white supremacist" should suffice.
Family, friends and staff. As far as I know, my family is an all white bunch, I can't think of any colour variation even in the more distant and far flung parts of the family. It is the same with my friends, growing up in the Wharfe valley in the 70's you didn't get the opportunity to meet a whole lot of coloured folk, so no problem there. Staff though, well I'll have to sack one of the girls for being asian, and probably another for being gay, I don't think that we white power types have much truck with homosexuals as a rule, although, why do many racists have the same (lack of) haircut as Bronski Beat ?
I am sure though my pretty much all of my family and friends will disown me as I become a paragon of white power, then I will have to become a close friend of Nick Griffin, this is a frankly unnapealing prospect.
Food and drink, oh dear, I can see this being a bit of a problem, you can't be seen to support the enemy, and I do love Chinese take-aways, and curry, and the odd donner kebab. How far do I have to take this though ? Some Italians can be a bit swarthy looking, should I stop eating pizza and pasta ? I'b better just stick to roast beef and fish and chips for the moment, oh hang on, that chippy I like to go to is actually owned by an Indian couple, better forego that as well then.
Wine and raw food present a bit of a minefield as well, lots of veg and meat come from countries that are, to be honest, full of black people. Wine is a bit safer, although maybe I'll give South African vintages a miss.
My food dilemma reminds of a joke, you'll have to imagine it is 1980 again for this to work....
Woman - "I am not buying those apples, they come from South Africa"
Greengrocer - "I don't blame you love, they'll have put their nasty black hands all over them"
I've found another upside to this racism lark though, it looks my diet might actually improve.
Sport - I'd better not mention my appreciation of such British sporting luminaries as Monty Panesar and Philips Idowu, and I'll have to be a bit selective when running down lists of my favourite footballers, it won't be wise to mention Rod Wallace, Tony Yeboah or Jermaine Beckford. This is confusing, when I'm watching Leeds, do I cheer when a white White has the ball, and then boo when a black White gets the ball ? People will think I have some weird schizophrenic disorder, on no, hang on, they won't, they'll think I'm a racist.
Now, down to the day to day business of actually being a racist, and I must admit I'm approaching this with some trepidation. The thing is, I gather that proper shouty racists are actually quite rude to coloured people, now that I have done a bit of research into the "shouty-matey" bit, it appears that they like to yell things like "blacks out", and some things that are even less polite.
I really am not very good at all at being rude to strangers, if someone walks into me on the street, I am quite likely to apologise even if the other person was at fault. The thought of being deliberately nasty to someone is bringing a flush of shame to my cheeks just by thinking of it. Let's say that the next time I take a train into Leeds the conductor is a black man, I would usually say "Return to Leeds please" and then thank him when he gives me my change and ticket. Do I now have to say "Oi wog, return to Leeds and you can return to wherever you came from."
Whereupon I suspect he will say "That would be Horsforth" and will throw me off the train into the arms of a waiting policeman. So, I won't be able to complete all the journeys on public transport that I start, and I won't be able to take a taxi again because if other places are like Ilkley, then all the taxi drivers are Asian. Well, it is lucky that I already enjoy walking.
Shops will be another problem won't they, should I be rude to black or Asian till workers, or just avoid them, either way it appears I'll be spending less time, and money, in shops and supermarkets. Another bonus for racism, I can save money.
Tragedy, I will have to stop taking The Times or the Indy, and switch my allegiance to the Mail, Express and Sun, oh woe is me, never to read a balanced intelligent news story again.
So, how has my life changed ?
I'm thin and fit because shops won't sell me food and I have to walk everywhere, but I have no friends except for Nick Griffin and some shouty skinheads that don't realise that Oi music died twenty years ago, and when we go out on the piss together we can't even eat afterwards because all the chippies are closed and we can't go into Spicy Ranch Kebabs, and I have to support Millwall.
Oh bugger it, I think I'll just stay as I am.