Monday, February 16, 2009

Book Review : Twilight - Stephenie Meyer**

You never thought that vampires could suck so much, sorry, couldn't help myself, much like Stephenie Meyers couldn't stop herself from writing hundreds of pages of largely plot free inane teenage drivel.

An awful lot of people must be very easily satisfied to have propelled this novel to its worldwide mega selling status. Apart from its turgid prose and endless teenage waffling with no point or purpose, it is the ill thought out tissue thin plot lines that realy get under your skin.

Imagine you are a vampire, you're pale, really pale, where would you choose to live where you can blend in with the population and not be easily noticed ?
a) A small town where pretty much everyone knows everyone, and where it is always cloudy and rains a lot (seriously Ms Meyer, just point on a map of the USA to a town where it is always cloudy).
b) A big city where all colours and creeds rub along together and a few really pale people won't stand out, think city goths.

That's right, they went for the small town option, and then they sign up for school, which ensures they have to move on every two years or so. Are these the most stupid vampires in literary history ? Why attend school, they don't need to (or perhaps considering their lack of mental aptitude, maybe they do) and it puts them at the heart of the nosiest section of society, surely school students have extensive checks made on them ? 5 students who don't use MySpace or Facebook, that would mark you out as slightly different in this day and age, but the real stunner is that in all the time they attend school not a single person (except the incoming new girl) has noticed that THEY DON'T EAT ANYTHING. EVER. They attend the dining hall every day and never touch a morsel.

I also found the utter lack of real sexual tension unbelievable, the two main characters are supposed to be around 17 years of age (ok, so one is a vampire of 100 years, but he was 17 when he became a vampire) but Meyer's rose tinted view of late teenage life is as much fantasy as vampires are, seventeen and no interest in drink, smoking, drugs or sex ? I remember that along with rock music that was pretty much all I was really interested in at 17.

Sadly the novel abounds with stupidities like these, of the rest of it, teenage girl meets vampire - falls in love - other vampires arrive - there is fighting (all off page sadly), the plot is thin and the characters thinner. Bella and the vampire Edward engage in protracted conversations about almost nothing which advance the plot not one jot and which take up dozens of pages at a stretch, the book weighs in at 440 pages, but a decent editor could have trimmed 150 of useless waffle from that, and then I'd have wasted less time in reading it.

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