What Am I Really Frightened Of ?
(Firstly, don't panic, it's alright.)
Cancer as it turns out. As advised, I check my testicles every so often, in the shower, when I'm nice and relaxed, and to be honest gently fondling your own soapy testicles isn't a bad way to spend a few minutes. Everything seemed to be going fine, number one - all present and correct, number two - everything fine, number three, bugger.
Now two is the generally accepted number of testicles, the appearance of a third spheroid in the scrotum is a cause of some worry, it's smaller and not as tender as as the other two, but I have no idea what this means. It turns out that there is no surer way to really ruin a nice relaxing shower than finding out that you have an unexplained lump in your scrotum.
Ten minutes later I am on the telephone to my doctor, and I can tell you I have never been quite so glad to be the age I am. "You're probably too old to be getting testicular cancer," said the doctor. That was quire reassuring, but the use of the word probably left open enough doubt to have me in a state of some worry before going to see a doctor this morning.
This morning I had managed to work myself into a state of some considerable worry about the whole thing despite what the doctor had told me over the phone and so presented myself at the surgery in a rather distracted and agitated manner. So distracted that I actually misheard the intercom and walked into the wrong consulting room, oops.
God bless the NHS though, in moments a man I had never met before had me naked from the waist down and was gently manipulating my bollocks, Boy George pays good money to have this sort of thing done to him you know. The doctor was able to calm me down and said that what I have is an epididymal cyst....."They may contain serous fluid or sperms. Most epididymal cysts do not cause pain but men can be alarmed on finding them and reassurance may be required"...no kidding!
Anyway, that's what I've got, and as long as it doesn't increase in size suddenly, become painful or do anything unexpected like becoming the new member of Take That I have nothing really to worry about. Which is a good thing really, because you never really want a man with a sharp blade anywhere near your nuts.