Friday, February 29, 2008

Virgin And Child, Garrucha Harbour

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

(thanks Chez)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Mountain Men, and Women, And Children

We're going to take a mob and storm up Pen-Y-Ghent this Saturday, meet up in Horton car park before 10am, bring waterproofs / packed lunch / small children etc.
Application for permission to date my daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SS/SIN #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE/PROVINCE___________ ZIP/POSTAL______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _____ _________________________

If fewer than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. Does vehicle have oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

___________ ___________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would wan t to be shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is :

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi Congressman/MP/MLA


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties
and carrying violin cases.





To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

DADDY'S RULES FOR DATING

Dad's rules for your boyfriend:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me!

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

(Thanks to Jan for sending me this, I thought Wosser might like to file it for future use ;-) )
Cupcakes Storm Britain !!!

Really ?? Didn't you see the little cherry topped double chocolate ones marching up your high street and turning the local mayor out of his residence ? No ?

The rather lovely cupcake headline comes from the specialist publication OOH, or Out Of Home, the newsletter of the Scotland and North Of England Bakery Supplies Organisation.

I love specialist magazines, every month a pile of them arrive in the post, I await with eager anticpation the next issue of Refridgeration Monthly, Packaging News or the Hygiene Newsletter.

Do you get specialist magazines / newsletters at your place of work ? And what is the best headline you can remember ?
Earthquake ? What Earthquake ??



Sleep as soundly as Yorkshiresoul does with a generous measure of 12 year old Glenlivet.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Power Corrupts



Michael Martin, MP for Glasgow North East and Speaker of the House of Commons, pictured here in the traditional Speaker's robes woven from the umbilical tubes of the now extinct Himalayan May Thrush.

It is quite obvious to all of us tax paying voters in this proud democracy that Mr. Martin has done nothing wrong at all. In an age when the wife of the Prime Minister can spend £200 a day on hairdressing then surely the odd £4,000 in taxi fares is a drop in the ocean, indeed Mr Martin should be congratulated on his miserliness, after all, he could have bought a second car for his wife, but no, being a tight fisted Scots stereotype he sent her off to work everday in a battered Nissan Sunny smelling faintly of vomit. Well done that man.

So he spent tens of thousands of tax payers hard earned money on paying a mortgage that he had already, er, well, paid off apparently. But shouldn't a bloke be allowed to have a bit of a spending spree at Ikea at the taxpayer's expense ?

Also, I think MP Derek Conway has been unfairly criticised for paying his teenage son good money to do nothing. This is a situation that all parents of teenagers find themselves in, you agree to give your disagreeable, monosyllabic emo son a tenner for emptying the bins, he spends it on White Lightning cider and then stays in bed all day claiming that you're "stressing him out man, just chill." We've all been there, it's hardly a sin.

Come on folks, our MP's do a damn fine job, some of them have to work almost 20 hours a week, they only get 2 months holidays and for this endless grind they might receive as little as £60,000 a year plus the odd 20 grand or so in 'expenses'.

Bastards.
Arooga !

Fuggin' Hell, It Was Yorkshiresoul Wot Killed Diana



In an extraordinary, yet at the same time almost commonplace turn of events in the High Court yesterday, strange old man Mohammed al Fayed accused Yorkshiresoul of murdering Dodi and Diana.

"It was 'im that did it, he's part of a Nazi / facist / right wing / anti-muslim / vegisexual conspiracy, him and that bastard Prince Philip."

After making this incredible statement Al Fayed was cross examined....

"I put it to you sir that you are actually stark staring bonkers ?"

"You're not putting it to me," replied the Fugger. "Bloody public schoolboys, you're all part of it, bastards."



Mohammed Al Fayed storms onto the pitch during the half time break at Fulham to accuse a number of footballers of murdering Diana.



Mohammed Al Fayed accuses Lily Allen of murdering Diana, and of stealing her favourite pink teddy bear.



Mohammed Al Fayed uses his magical Eygptian Guilt Sniffing Lapdogs to accuse Lucy Liu of murdering Diana ?


Have You Been Accused Of Murdering Diana ?

If not, then email madoldfugger@Harrods.com

Monday, February 25, 2008

Golf, It's A Dangerous Game



A golf tee, not dangerous by itself you might think, but you would be wrong.

I was opening up the clubhouse on Friday morning just before 7am, I thought I'd have a shower in the gents locker room so I was wandering around in bare feeet when, by some bizarre chance, I managed to stand on a tee peg that someone had dropped. The tee had somehow managed to stand perfectly upside down making itself into a kind of golfing caltrop for the unwary.

Ouch, bloody ouch.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Definition Of A Yorkshireman

"A Yorkshireman can buy a sheep off a Scot and then sell it to a Jew and still make a profit"

(Anyone deeply offended by the above pun should, in all probability, be reading another blog)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

This Is Why My Friends Don't Let Me Babysit Any More




More Do's And Dont's For Baby

(Seen over on GromBlog)
Ilkley Golf Club Requires Chef

I will be taking on a new, full time chef/trainee chef very soon as Chefette Carol is leaving us.

No experience is required, all training in cookery, hygiene, health & safety etc will be given.

Hours are mostly an 8 hour shift, 5 days per week, mostly Mon-Fri, applicants will have to be flexible though to cover some evenings and weekends and to work extended hours during head chef's holidays.

We are a small team, myself and the incoming chef do the vast majority of the cooking assisted by our group of hard working waiting staff / kp's.

Contact Mike Jarvis on 01943 607277

Yorkshiresoul@gmail.com
The Customer Is Always, A F*** Face Apparently

I saw this story over at Greasy Chip Butty. You can see what has happened here, it's Friday night, the restaurant is full, the sole has run out, Sarah and Robyn have called in sick, the commis has dropped a tray of fruit tarts, and then bloody table 6start moaning and whining....

One Meatballs and One Suck My Balls.....
LONDON LAWYER vs GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

(Thanks to Squirt)
When Life Gives You Lemons, Or Not....

I got back home at just before 1am on Sunday morning and I popped into the work kitchen to have a quick look around just so I knew exactly what prep I would need to do when I went in to work later that morning, there was the following note in my day book....

"Dear Mike,

Mr Smith has changed his mind about Sunday's desserts and he now wants lemon tarts instead of chocolate tarts, he also wants extra slices of lemon in the water jugs on the tables.

S..... is ill and cannot work, I have rung all the other staff and they are all busy or on holiday as it is half term.

Hope you had a good holiday,

Love, Jenny.

p.s. I forgot to order any lemons"

I love my staff, but sometimes I love them just a little bit less.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Back To School

It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, or something, so this week I'm ding my Royal Institute of Public Hygiene Stage 3 Award, what I don't know now about bacteria, projectile vomiting and liquid diarreah isn't worth knowing.

It has been quite a heavy schedule of learning and lectures, but we had a fun break in the learning today when someone at the lovely Tempest Arms managed to set the industrial waste bins on fire and the fire brigade were called to put them out.

The food at the Tempest has been great, on previous courses I have attended we have usually had a fairly poor sandwich buffet for lunch, but here we get really nice two course dinners in the restaurant. Gravadlax and Wild Mushroom Risotto yesterday, Fishcakes with Chilli Sauce and Cumberland Sausage, Champ and White Onion Sauce today, excellent fare. Despite the nature of our work nodoby on the course seems to have suffered a loss of appetite at lunchtime.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Safe Home

And my own bed to sleep in, your own bed and pillow are always much better than any bed you get when your away.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Rain In Spain

Apparently it rains here, on average, for just one day in the year, according to the Rough Guide. That day then was this afternoon, but it didn´t really dampen our fun.

Yesterday we went to a castle, which was closed, we thought about the waterpark, but it is closed, most of the restaurants - closed, we´re in deeply un-tourist friendly southern Spain, but we´re still having a great time. Actually that´s unfair, it isn´t unfriendly at all, the locals are really nice, especially when we try to make an effort to get along in Spanish, but this is Spain for Spaniards, not for Brits. Luckily, I´m a Spanophile if such a word exists.

The only way to eat here is to eat alongside the locals, the few touristy places are boring and crap, the traditional Spanish eateries are cheap and wonderful.

We pulled in today at a beach bar, it looked really tatty from the outside but their were a few locals drinking (and smoking) at the bar so we went in. The food turned out to be really good again, racione size which is a small plate as opposed to the small tapas bowl size. We got deep fried baby squid, grilled salmon, paella with seafood and shellfish, steamed mussels, salad, bread and booze at a very reasonable price again.

Stephen, Natalie and myself went ´adventuring´ this morning, we went for a walk to the `legendary snail cemetary´ and the `fabled lost cave of rabbits´, i.e. a dried out mud flat covered with dried out bird prey and a small, uninspiring hollow in the side of a hill. The kids though thought it was great fun, I had walked the same route on my own the previous day and had left `secret signs´ on the ground, arrows made from pebbles, which the kids had a good time hunting for. Natalie turned out to be the best tracker.

After lunch we played football for ages, actually more time was spent retrieving our lightweight ball when it blew away in the strong winds and made a bid for freedom down the beach front road, but happy and exhausted we returned home for a barbeque of morcillo (black pudding), chorizo (catch all term for any spicy/piquant sausage), fatty belly pork, lentil stew and salad.

Being bad lads we have walked from our apartment up the 14th, 17th & 18th fairways of the golf course we are staying at so we can have a vino and a play on´t interwebnet in the golf resort hotel. Now filled with mucho vino I fully expect Wosser and myself to fall in numerous bunkers on the pitch black walk home.

Hasta luego amigos !

Monday, February 11, 2008

Hola Amigos

We´re here in Vera, Andalucia. The weather is reasonable, and the food is great when we can find any.

This part of Spain doesn´t really cater to foreign tourists, especially children. Restaurants often do not open until 8 - 9pm in the evenings, far too late for the kids to eat, but, the food is typically Spanish rather than Spanish/British.

We dined at a place yesterday lunchtime in Almeira where the menu was a fresh fish stall, not noticing the prices on the chalkboard we spent a small fortune on prawns, but the fresh squid and hake that we chose from the many varied fishon on offer was fantastic, sliced and fried in the lightest of batters. (60€ for 12 prawns, then 74€ for the hake, squid, salad, bread, beer & drinks)

Today we had lunch at a local tapas bar, very cheap and wonderful. 25€ for 6 plates of liver stew, marinated vegetables, tuna salad, chorizo, mushrooms in wine, potatoes in olive oil, bean fritata, bread and drinks. I´ve been struggling along in my paltry Spanish, but I´ve learned enough to cope in bars and restaurants, mostly.

We´re having a good time with the Wossers, see you all soon.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Puppy Monorail



I thought that after yesterday's horror show posting that I ought to redress the balance somewhat and post something nice, thus puppies on a monorail.

More Puppy Monorail Pics

Aww, how sweet.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

That's Got To Sting

Ok chaps, I reckon most of you are pretty much like me, in as much as you wouldn't like someone to take a scalpel to your little general, a pair of pliers to your old chap, a large needle to your love truncheon, right ?

Martin on the other hand/testicle, seems to enjoy these things. On the NSFW scale, this is pretty much 10 out of 10.

Obviously there is nothing on this link that is even remotely safe for work as it involves a man performing self surgery on his penis. Guys, this is deeply uncomfortable reading / viewing, and I only went to this site to find some tattoo pics.

Monday, February 04, 2008

30 Wonderful Nature Photographs

On Fishki.net

Fishki.net may have banner ads of an adult and NSFW nature.
Gig Review : Kerrang Tour 2008 @ Leeds Uni Refectory 04/02/08, Coheed & Cambria*****, Madin Lake***, Fightstar****, Circa Survive*

It's a while since I've been to this venue, and it has been nicely refurbished. The Uni are obviously clawing back the money spent on the conversion by charging £2.70 for a can of bitter, bloody shocking price. Does this count as profiteering from your own students ?

This is an audience you can easily feel old amongst, Chez, Mr Moosehead and myself look as if we've come along to make sure our kids don't get into any trouble.

I saw Circa Survive as support to Coheed & Cambria a couple of years ago in Manchester and I thought they were pretty poor then. Two years on and nothing has changed, CS's sound is muddled and confused, too much jangly / noisy guitar work without any real definition or chord structure. As soon as their set has finished (to massive apathy from the crowd) I can't remember how many songs they played or what any of them sounded like.

Wooo! It's Charlie from Busted, hail Charlie, he had it all, money, huge fame, a constant string of chart singles, and he gave it all up to come over to the dark side and form a proper rock band, well done that man. I like Fightstar, they play good songs with nice hooks and a decent chorus or two. The sound is a little muddled at points and this does reduce 'Floods' with it ephemera, Muse-like tones to a bit of a post hardcore grind but otherwise it is a good set.

Madina Lake, hmmm, the thing is, they're a very average band with very average songs, but they work really hard. Twin one (Nathan, or is it Matthew ?) works the audience, thanking them, complementing them, he jumps around and looks the part. When he does a short speech though part of which is "we're not a band that cares about fashion or haircuts" I'm left confused, this is a band that was formed off the back of a tv reality show and whose main selling point is a pair of blonde, bouffant haired twins, your haircuts are your fame lads.

Twin two (Matthew, or is it Nathan) jumps and twirls in time with the bassist and the band look to be having a great time. It's obvious from the exodus after ML's set ends that a sizeable part of the audience have come to see Madina Lake's unchallenging pop rock. ML are not a band band at all, I think they could progress well in the future, but they are punching above their weight with their debut album, their songs as yet are just alright rather than fantastic, but there is promise. They have a warm and fun stage prescence and with some stronger material could become quite decent.

All time winner of the big hair stakes though is Claudio from Coheed, even without my specs I can see his giant globe of frizz approaching. I can't really do an unbiased review of C&C, up with Muse they are my favourite contemporary band, if I had to be bitingly honest I would say that tonight's sound quality isn't as good as when I saw them in Manchester, but that is something that has affected all the bands tonight to some degree.

Coheed rip through a selection of their prog metal catalogue 'The Running Free' , 'Feathers' , 'The Suffering' , and they tear through a solid version of Iron Maiden's 'The Trooper' which divides the crowd into those who know their music history and those who are under 20.

Cocheed are not the most moshable of bands, but the font of the crowd is a pushing, heaving, sweating mass (or at least that describes myself rather well) and a couple of circles open up during the choppier moments.

Claudio talks a bit of puff about Leeds having bad karma for his girlfriend but apart from that he maintains a Matt Bellamy like distance from the audience and just gets on with the job in hand. He doesn't need to do anything extra because Coheed's material is so strong and as far as I can see, the crowd are lapping it up. In terms of songwriting and musical ability, C&C are head and shoulders above all the other acts on tonight's bill, the deliver a technically good set and whilst I would have preferred less support bands and thus a longer set from the headliners, they deliver a commanding show in their alloted time.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Freud, You Buffoon



I've been reading about the life and work of Sigmund Freud, sex is the root cause of everything, everything in dreams is sexual and all that, so naturally when I started dreaming the other night I thought I was in for a good, mucky time.

The scene was, I'm alone in a house when two stunning young girls walk in, at this point part of my brain is going 'Whoopee !'

The girls sit down, and then ask me what is for dinner, I go and make dinner. Right, so we've not got to the mucky bit strait away, but a bit of delayed pleasure won't harm. I bring dinner to the table and we sit down and eat, the tv is on and a deeply pornographic movie begins.

'Result' shout my id and ego at the same time, but then my idiot super-ego cuts in, takes control of my mouth and hands, switches channels to Blue Bloody Peter and says "I don't think you should be watching that girls".

Aargh, super-ego you fool, what are you doing ?

Them we pour some wine, a very large glass for me, two tiny glasses for the girls, we drink the wine, dinner ends.

"We're going up to the bedroom now," say the girl. "Do you want to join us ?"

Here we go then, hurrah, two gorgeous girls wearing very little, ego and id are almost falling over each other in an effort to get me upstairs.

But then moron super-ego cuts in again, "No thanks girls, I'm going to watch Match Of The Day."

And I did.

Freud is an idiot, and when id and ego catch up with super-ego they're going to give him a right kicking.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Walking Yorkshire : Home Beat

By 'eck it was cold yesterday, the sky was filled with fast moving clouds pushed onwards by a shrieking, bitter wind, but it wasn't raining or snowing so I had a quick stroll up to White Wells and across to the Cow & Calf and back home in time for lunch.



The Cow & Calf look quite nice in this shot, but the wind was blowing so hard I had a hard time keeping the camera still enough to get a good picture.



The old bridge down by the Riverside Hotel.

Friday, February 01, 2008

The Manor House Museum, Ilkley

Isn't it odd that you'll often travel half way around the world to see things, and yet there are sometimes places right under your nose that you have never looked at ?

Manor House Museum.

So this morning after a quick ramble around the moors I popped in to have a look. There is a small museum with a potted history of Ilkley from the Romans, through the Dark Ages, the coming of hydropathy to Ilkley, there are also lots of old photographs of Ilkley locations past and present.

Upstairs there is a nice art gallery which at the moment is hosting the Burley-In-Wharfedale & Menston Arts Clubs 2008 Annual Exhibition. There are 80+ paintings on view, nearly all of which may be purchased when the show ends.

I was quite taken by Babara Tower's watercolour of 'Autumn Evening, Grimwith'. I've walked around Grimwith many times and the picture will be a nice reminder of pleasant walks when I get it put up on my office wall.
Book Review : Keeping It Real**** & Selling Out* - Justina Robson




Cyberfantasy, elves, faeries, demons an a six (billion ?) million dollar woman human / cyborg agent Lila Black.

The first book in the seriesI enjoyed, it was an action filled, big guns, magic and sex packed romp across the known world and a few of the lesser known ones. Half woman half mobile assault cannon Lila was assigned to protect mega selling elven rock star Zal from being murdered by his fans / former elven secret police employers / demonic assassins / insane faery sorcerors etc. As fun and gun filled lightweight sf goes, it went quite well.

Selling Out though cries out for a better editor. Robson has filled the book with a constant barrage of new ideas, creatures, characters, worlds and events so much so that it doesn't just hinder the flow of the plot, it buries the plot completely.

Lila Black in the first book was feisty, amgry, sexy, horny and prone to shooting first and questioning the scattered gory remnants afterwards. In the second book she wallows in a pit of her own misery that is so wretched that for a while I thought she had been posessed by the spirit of Thomas Covenant.

So, book one of the Quantum Gravity series is an enjoyable if not memorable weapon filled glitterpunk sci-fi adventure, book two a turgid morass of self loathing.