Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Entire History Of Belgium - Long Version

I was reading 'Remember, Remember', a history of Britain in 150 key bullet points and it set me thinking, could you do a similar sort of book for Belgium ? Well apparently not, because after extensive interwebnet research it became apparent that nothing has really happened in Belgium, ever.

Undeterred by the minor European nation's lack of interestingness, I have however managed to compile a very short complete history of Belgium.

120 AD The Roman Emperor Hadrian conquers Belgium, but mistakes it for an even more boring part of Holland and the country fails to get its name registered in the scroll of conquered lands.

1200 AD Nothing much has happened for some time.

1346 AD Black Death kills half of Belgium's citizens, plans for a Belgian conquest of Europe are set back somewhat, Belgian monks settle for making mind numbingly high alcohol beer instead.

1546 AD Intrepid Belgian explorers are disappointed to find that pretty much all the world beyond Belgium's borders has already been discovered and conquered. There is a brief period of excitement when they make landfall on a previously undiscovered continent, but on sobering up from a particularly big night on mind numbingly high alcohol Trappist beer this turns out to be Denmark and the explorers are sent packing by big shouty hairy men with axes.

1940 Hitler conquers Belgium by accident on the way to invading France, but does not notice until 1943.

1972 Belgium win a bronze medal at the Olympics in the Women's 10metre Small Bore Freestyle Pistol event. *

1994 Some Belgians are reported to be mildly upset by this joke...."Every year we destroy an area of rain forest equal in size to Belgium, why not just destroy Belgium instead ?"

*But are later disqualified when drug testing reveals high levels of Leffe.

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