Clone Town Ilkley – An Appeal
Come on Ilkley, together we can do it, rid our fair town once and for all of the singularity of Asquith’s, the independent nuisance of Lishmann’s and the frankly annoyingly eccentric Grove Bokshop.
We can do this in just a couple of easy and careless steps.....
1) Allow hyperglobal Tesco to build a vast new store, and if they include an electrical section we can probably be rid of the dissident Clegg’s as well.
2) Support the new money hungry owners of the Station complex (Hunter Property Fund Management) with their boldly stated plan to ‘move rents forward’ and introduce Austin Reed to stamp out the nonconformist Eric Spencer and the unique Time Menswear.
It will be so easy to do, all we need is a bit of apathy, a drop of ‘who cares’ and we can kiss goodbye to the dismal free spirits who infest Ilkley’s streets. Together we can remove these singularities.
Why would you want to enter the anomaly of an ‘independent’ shop ? You don’t know what these deviant rebels may be up to within their walls. Surely it is safer for you to shop in the chain store, whether in Ilkley or Aberdeen or Milton Keynes you can be assured of an identical, non threatening drone shopping experience.
Come on Ilkley, today Waterstones, tomorrow McDonalds. Let us all be the same, think the same, eat the same, dress alike, don’t stand out.
The corporate thought police now know where you live and they're deciding what you should think.