Thursday, June 30, 2005

Dear Mumsy,

We played the rough boys at cricket again this week they were horrible. Simon threw a ball at me and it hit me on the chest and really hurt a lot and I've got a bruise and everything and I shouted at him but the umpire didn't even do anything and it's not fair waaaaaaaaaah.

Your loving son,

Matthew.

Yes this week's cricket news is that the australians are whining, not exactly news though is it ? Justin Langer's complaining that the Ozzies are being barracked by the Barmy Army, and Matthew Hayden is moaning on and on and on about Simon Jones chucking a ball at him.

Look you whinging Ozzie, Jones shouldn't have thrown the ball, he was in the wrong (although it was pretty funny) and realising that he was in the wrong he apologised right away, without a moments delay he said sorry.

A gentleman would have accepted the apology and moved on, an Australian cricketer of old would have filed it away and then made his point with the bat next time around, not so Matt Hayden, he says he has "no right of reply" to this vicious English assault. He has made his "no right of reply" point to every newspaper, tv, radio and net journalist who has wandered within earshot of the injured Oz cricketer.

Listen Hayden, you big soft poof, shut up and play the game, and Langer, this is how we support our teams, it's part of English support, we don't just support our lads, we give grief to your lads, get with it.

All together now....."We hate Man U and we hate Man U......"
Aishwarya Rai



Nice. Here comes the zeitgeist hit builder.... Aishwarya Rai naked, did I say Aiswarya Rai naked ? Oh yes, come on India, rack up those hits. More Bollywood fun later.....
Mr. Duckworth & Mr. Lewis

So, Australia bat steadily and plod along at a rate of 5.22 an over. Then it rains. When the match restarts the terrible Duckworth-Lewis method has been used to work out haw many runs England need to win, 200 from 33 overs, or 6.06 an over.

Why did England have to make 28 runs more than Australia to win the match ?

Then it rained again anyway so it is all moot, plus the fact that the side batting first nearly always wins over here - quality of lighting perhaps ?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Broughton Hall Game Show - The Birdman Challenge

The first person to reach the other side of the river wins a thousand pounds and a barrel of ale.



Hang on, that's a Man U kit, DON'T RESCUE HIM!



Same design as last year, same sorry fate.



A nearly naked man with a large coconut stuffed into his underpants. Frankly, I'm baffled.



The Rocketman falls gracefully into the river.



Whoa there, this is the Birdman Challenge, not a ruddy camp site.



Oh I see, you're going to fly a tent across the river.






Tents, aerodynamic properties = nil, comic properties = excellent.



Now this looks promising, a toboggan.



It'll be like the Cresta Run but on grass.


Here it comes, look at it's speed, elegance and grace!


Look as it trundles off course towards the river bank, a word of advice lads, steering.




Well done lads, that was even more hopeless than last year's bi-plane, it was daft, heroically daft and had the crowd laughing happily in the sunshine. I can't wait to see what they some up with for next year's show.

Candice says that the Big Red Boys should do this next year in addition to the White Wells New Years dip, dressed as fat chickens, I'll start on my costume right away!
A Bradfordian Dies

So Richard Whiteley has heard the final Countdown. Sometimes God plays little jokes, he puts us down in Yorkshire, and then when we die we are expected to believe that we are going on to a better place.

It must be free Black Sheep Bitter, rare roast beef and Yorkshire puddings, dappled sun, wind and the odd shower on the hills, Broughton Game Show every weekend, the Whites top of the Premier League (just above the Blades, the Owls and the Bantams), Yorkshire thrashing Lancs every week.

Heaven, just a slight improvement on Yorkshire.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Broughton Hall Game show 2005

The whole gang, minus JR who was working, made our way North of Skipton to sample the fun on offer at this year's game show.



Bees from the Denholme Gate beekeepers. The hives are moved around during the season so that the bees produce many different kinds of honey, from pale and almost set rape to clear and runny borage to my favourite, dark and scented Ilkley Moor heather honey, I bought two jars.



The Upper Wharfedale Fell Rescue tent, much of the proceeds of the day goes towards funding this voluntary organisition. They work in tandem with the emergency services, providing specialist rescue teams for the hills and caves in the area.



Natalie gets her face painted as a pretty butterfly.


Grrrr, it's Stephen the tiger, although he was fairly bouncy all day, so that might be Tigger.



Ellie the pink bunny rabbit, complete with matching hat and glasses.


A Barn Owl, it was stunningly beautiful.



And a Bald Eagle, you might see more of this bird later in the year, when the hunting season starts it is possible to go for a day's hunting with the eagles and falcons and despite the cost I really fancy doing it.



Vikings, reconciling their differences in the traditional Viking manner.



Nats, Ellie, Brother in Law mk.1 Kevin and Joseph.


The main parade ring with Broughton Hall, home of the Tempest family, on the right.



At the archery demonstration, Joseph doesn't seem to be a natural born killer.



Unlike psycho YS here, "Are there any French cavalry I can practice on ?"



The Craven Old Wheels Rally.



The Russian Yakalevs Duo Aerobatic display team, they were really good, whoosh, zoom.




The Cock, Ball, Nipple and Touchhole Club, firing an assortment of ancient weapons at unsuspecting clay pigeons.

I'm going to do a seperate posting for the highlight of the da, the Broughton Birdman Challange, call back soon.

Sunday, June 26, 2005



I just don't know what is going here, but my advice would be...

1) Don't ever take E's and go to raves

2) If you must go to raves never, ever wear a padded tank top and half a sleeping bag

3) If you have ingnored my first two points of advice, just make sure you don't piss yourself and let someone take photo's of you, got that ?

It's a Maria Sharapova Pillow, honestly, go shopping here.

The King Is Dead....

I'm not really bothered for tennis, there are only a couple of things I like about it, but it has been hilarious this week to witness the demise of the housewives favourite 'Tiger' Tim Henman, and then to see his fans switch their alliegence instantly to a spotty, argumentative teenager who might find that his fitness would hold up if he got out of bed before 2pm each day and actually did some training.

Worst whinger of the week award goes to Sean Connery who drivelled on that he hoped "people wouldn't hold it against the lad that he came from Scotland." Why on earth would they ? We don't have anything against the Scots, but pro-SNP and all round Scots whinger Connery doesn't actually love Scotland that much himself now does he ? Where do you think the slaphead actor lives ? Aberdeen, Inverness, Edinburgh perhaps ? Or is it the Bahamas ?

Anyway, here's the young pretender..



And here are the two things I really like about tennis....

Please Give Generously

I know you have all seen the pictures, the wave of water, the poor souls clinging to trees and buildings with the look of terror and despair on their faces. There are people out there who have seen their dwellings and posessions washed away on a vast, fast moving wall of water, who have lost all they owned to a freakish event of nature.

They have been left without proper food, clean water or decent sanitation, and on top of all this they have been forced to listen to Coldplay.

These people are at there lowest ebb, please send large bundles of used fivers to...

Yorkshire Soul's Vintage Rioja Glastonbury Appeal
The Wine Cellar A Flooded Tent
Yorkshire Somerset

Friday, June 24, 2005

A Shocker!

News just in, another cricketing upset as the minnows of world cricket, Australia, managed a shock 50 run upset of the mighty England side.

Australia looked a little better last night, Symonds was impressive but got out making a suicidal run, the Ozzies bowling was much better, especially early on, England's shot selection was poor. To be honest, England should have got past Australia's modest total, but some excellent bowling and much improved fielding locked them out.

Who knows, if they carry on like this, Australia just might beat Bangladesh to the final.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Another day, another buffet

I came down to work early to prepare a salmon, I opened a tub of mayonnaise and found.....



.....the face in the mayonnaise. Nobody will admit to it, current betting has 'Lovely' Robyn or Fairy Clare as the culprit. Anyway I was dressing a salmon....


...which quite obviously I have overpoached, bugger. Right, time for rule of Cheffery no.3, when in doubt - cobble it together.



Because the fish has dropped a little as a result of overcooking, my fault, I have filled in the holes with mayo, now it's back in the fridge to chill again so that I can garnish and glaze it.




Now it's looking better with the addition of some picked parsley, thin cucumber scales and red pepper diamonds. Aspic has been poured over the top, onto the chilled fish so that it sets on contact, to make it glisten.



Dressed up with lemon and dill baskets, more poached salmon is placed in front of the main fish so that it remains untouched until half of the diners have passed along the buffet line.
The Krombacher Classic

Ilkley Golf Club hosted the annual Krombacher Classic Golf Tournament last week. It was a good day, 75 golfers, we didn't manage to defend the trophy that the Ilkley team won last year but everyone enjoyed the day, the beer, the wine and the food.



Mmmm, pork pies hot from the oven.



Fairy Clare preps the salads.



Making lemon tarts, if we're going to use recipe books then we use the best, Larousse Gastronomique.



The Krombacher classic buffet.



Dessert table, lemon tart with creme fraiche or chocolate and brandy pots.



The cheeseboard, we cut up cheese onto platters in front of the main cheeseboard so that the display remains attractive, when the last few diners are coming in we allow them to hack into the large pieces of cheese.
Retrosexual

Retrosexual (ret.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. A man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle. - from the new OED

"Genuine guys are sometimes known as retrosexuals, to distinguish them from metrosexuals, who are men with the good taste of gay men, only they're straight. Metrosexuals are scrupulous about their grooming and are great consumers of men's cosmetic products. They use hair gel. Retrosexuals are scared of hair gel. Some people think that retrosexuals automatically have Neanderthal views about women, but this is not the case. A retrosexual is simply someone who doesn't know the difference between teal and aqua, and frankly couldn't give a damn".—Margaret Wente, "I married a retrosexual," The Globe and Mail (Canada), February 14, 2004

Ok then, a teal is small duck, aqua, I think, were a fairly crap Euro-pop outfit, and I use hair gel, albeit to give me a post - modernist - ironic punk spike, am I then a Metrosexual, Retrosexual or just all round awkward bugger ?


DSP Andy had better look out, the vermin are organised!
The World of Mayonnaise, where condiments collide, apprently, could be messy.
Keep rare species of cattle alive by eating them.

Sunday, June 19, 2005



And you wonder why I don't play golf ? Captions ?
He said he was tired, but has he been asleep for 11 months ?
I presume that there are no good restaurants in Melbourne then ?
Mismatch

It is becoming increasingly obvious that there is an imbalance in the world's greatest sport. Although there is a good argument to be made for allowing certain nations to compete alongside the big boys, these matches with their oh so predictable outcomes are becoming so run of the mill that perhaps the cricket authorities should think twice before allowing them to compete.

It can be said that allowing sides to compete against the top cricketing nations allows them valuable match experience that can only be good for them and for cricket as a whole. But on the other hand, it isn't good entertainment to see the same side getting drubbed again and again and again.

It's obvious that one side is just a make weight in the current triangular series with the public wanting them out of the way so that they can the main event later in the summer. So come on ICC, let's have Australia packed back off down under so we can play against a proper cricket side, like Bangladesh. Or Somerset.


Captions ?
Super, Super Bangladesh

Australia, the giants of world cricket, were humbled yesterday by the minnows of Bangladesh. Australia lost three early wickets and plodded to an acceptable total of 249, but their mis-firing bowling attack proved easy to cope with for the Tigers and Bangladesh stormed to victory in the final over.



Captain Habibul Bashar on his way to 47 against Australia.



Mashrafe Mortaza traps Gilchrist leg before with the second ball of the match.



Here is the bloke that did the damage, Mohammad Ashraful celebrates his century.

As the Australians plunged to their third consecutive defeat, captain Ricky Ponting admitted that they were getting close to panic with the Ashes looming.

In other funny Australian cricket news, Andrew Symonds was dropped from the one day side at the last moment when turned up at the ground stinking of booze after an all night binge, drowning his sorrows perhaps ?