Tuesday, May 31, 2005

1,300+ hits on Yorkshire Soul yesterday, and according to my hit log, 99% of them featured the word "nude" or "naked" and were preceded by either Danica Patrick or Makosi. I haven't found any nude pictures of Danica Patrick, but there is a rather pleasing semi-clothed picture below, and I'm sure if you watch Big Brother for long enough then Makosi (and probably all the others) will appear naked sooner or later.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Danica Patrick

For the thousands and thousands of surfers who have wandered this way since I hit the zeitgeist with the phrase "Danica Patrick naked", here she is with rather more clothes than you were expecting, but not too many.
Just in case you were wondering what our brave British soldiers do all day when they are posted to Iraq, here are the boys in Al-Faw peforming Is This The Way To Armadillo .

More madcap military mayhem comes via the wonderful Dorna at Guabancex and features those crazy, crazy Norwegian troops singing the timeless Beachboys classic Kosovo .

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Easy Travel To Other Planets

I'm not often bored, usually because when there is any chance of boredom occurring, I pick up a book and I am somewhere else. When I say I'm somewhere else I mean it, just ask Mrs YS how difficult it is to talk to me when I have my head in a book.

I am there, words become pictures in my mind, pictures become almost movie like as the action unfolds and I am right there in the thick of the action.

Books affect me as film and Tv affects others. I have laughed out loud at Pratchett and Bryson, cried when I finished LOTR for the first time and groan with audible dismay whenever Steven Erikson cuts a murderous swathe through his leading characters.

I had an RE teacher (religious, not remedial) who used to say "You are bored because you are boring." How right he was.

A number of my work colleagues read nothing more challenging than the intelligence sapping lads diet of the Sun, Sport, Nuts, Loaded etc. In quiet periods they often complain of boredom.

In my quiet periods I have fought a war with the rat people in London's sewers, served a life sentence for murder in one of America's toughest prisons, befriended a Japanese housewife who killed her husband, spied on a young Asian woman as a voyeur, hidden an angel in my garage, run with a barbarian army to the gates of a decadent kingdom, had a long erotic phone call with a strange girl and hidden in terror from the fearful Shrike.

There was a book entitled "Easy Travel To Other Planets" and for me, that's reading in a nutshell.

Now if you will excuse me I have to load my multi-rifle, don my reflec ablative armour and get into the drop ship, the time tombs are about to open and I have a planet to invade.

(The books were.....King Rat - China Mieville, You Got Nothing Coming - Jimmy Lerner, Out - Natsuo Kirino, The Third Eye - David Knowles, Skellig - David Almond, Midnight Tides - Steven Erikson, Vox - Nicholson Baker and Hyperion - Dan Simmons)
Big Brother

Not my usual TV fare, but I was waiting for the last couple of customers to leave the building. Big Brother should actually be applauded, it is doing a good job of taking a number of serious social delinquents off the streets and keeping them safely locked away from society.

Scary Mary the White Witch looked to be making a very early escape from Big Brother house when she got out of her car and set off in the wrong direction. There's something in her eyes, something that says, DON'T LET HER NEAR THE KNIVES !

Makosi, she's not all that bright. Big Brother found that by assigning a secret mission right at the start of the programme they had singled out the person with the IQ of Homer Simpson, doh.

It's now compulsory that Big Brother has at least one sexually ambiguous person in each series, here's Kemal, who arrived in a sari.

This is Antony, he is an annoying little twat. I have only seen him on screen for a couple of minutes and already I have the desire to cause him serious physical damage.

And Craig, who is also an annoying little bastard, he set the world record for the F word in his interviews and he's a hairdresser, so why does it look like someone poured petrol over his head and set it on fire ? He owns his own salon, and wants to go on Big Brother to "Get the views of the salon across to the world", so, an obvious wanker then.

Keira Knightly

Very nice.
A Dream - The Michael Vaughan Fish Innards Quiz

I remembered a dream that I had last week. I'm at the cricket club when they announce there is going to be a quiz, there are desks set out in the bar as if it were going to be an exam. Everyone sits down at a desk, I'm the oldest one there, it's a kiddies quiz.

Then, much to everyone's surprise, Michael Vaughan arrives, clutching a pile of wet fish, he proceeds to put a fish or two on each person's desk, followed by a knife, and then says that whoever can gut the fish fastest will win a special prize. Some of the parents are now complaining that I have been allowed to enter the quiz.

OK, analyze away........

Gosh, it's astounding that just by typing a few words, Danica Patrick naked in a bath of custard whilst a nude Natalie Portman reclines on the sofa, for example, can cause so many extra hits on YS that my stat counter had to change its graph to show yesterday's spike in visitors.

And because I'm a kindly old soul / dirty old man, I've popped down to the underbelly of the web and found you a nice picture of....

Natalie Portman on the beach

Still nothing on the Danica Patrick naked front though.
We Are The Millwall Of Europe

Javine wasn't all that bad was she ? No, it's just that we have become too close to the Americans and nobody likes us any more. I finished work late and missed the opening few acts, including Javine and Wig Wam, but there was still much hilarity to be had.

Why did so many people appear with drums ? Was there a second hand sale going on outside the venue ?

Thursday, May 26, 2005

  1. Heimlich:: Manouvre, when practised by amateurs often results in ruptured spleen and accusations of homosexuality
  2. Gesture:: and with a gesture she dismissed me, banished from the palace I returned to my life of toil as junior brussel sprout grader.
  3. Party:: although as a teenager you had to attend drunken house parties, deep down, I'd have rather been at home with a good book.
  4. Cuddle:: Nice, but sex would have been better
  5. Room with a view:: And I'm Watching You (one for the old Queensryche fans there)
  6. Sebastian:: The sort of name chosen for their offspring by would be upper middle class families, Sebastian will be sent to boarding school where he will be buggered regularly by the older boys and will gain a BA (hons) in Business and a lifelong fear of public urinals.
  7. Ooooh:: vicar, that was a surprise
  8. Sigh:: I'd tried to tell her that size didn't matter, but deep down I could tell she was dissapointed with my effort for the village fete.
  9. Two fish, three fish:: Goodbye and thanks for all the....
  10. Cake or death:: An unwise choice of words by the French Queen leads to a separation of body and soul.

(Via I Am A Donut)

Two fantastic games of football this week, firstly the Arse beating the Scum on penalties to lift the FA Cup, this couldn't have been better. The gooners played like a really poor side, Sheffield Wednesday for example, whilst scum played rather well.

We had a side bet on what might happen after the match if scum lost, James put money on Ronaldo crying. Seconds after the last penalty the camera pans round and there he is, Man U's best diver, beefing like a six year old girl, there was loud and raucous laughter from the assembled LUFC and BCFC fans.

Secondly, Liverpool's stunning performance in the European Cup last night. If ever the overused phrase "a game of two halves" was applicable then this was it, well done to the Scouse Reds.
Film Review : Star Wars - Revenge Of The Sith**

Well, it doesn't suck as badly as the first two did. My review of bit 2 can be found here.

Most of the problems are much the same, Hayden Christianson and Natalie Portman are terrible actors, at least Ewan McGregor seems to have awakened from the fugue he spent the last movie in. The script is still wafer thin and full of inconsistencies.

Watch how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, it like he's shopping for breakfast cereal, ooh, shall I choose cornflakes or muesli, erm, oh go on then, Lord of Eternal Evil it is then. See how the Jedi throw away all of their teachings and morals, that have been continually expounded upon for five movies now, just to try and make the plot seem sensible, it doesn't.

Are there any good points then ? Yes. There is a quite spectacular space battle at the start of the film, and another superb battle sequence featuring the Wookies.

Sorry, I appear to have put up the wrong picture here, this is actually the mosh pit at last week's Anthrax gig. Anyway, that's pretty much it, two good battles, some dreadful scripting, too many excruciatingly bad scenes with Natalie Portman, you know you've done badly in a movie when this bloke is the best actor.....

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Mötley Crüe have been banned from The Tonight Show and they're suing:

"In the latest twist in the broadening battle over decency standards, the glam-metal band Mötley Crüe filed suit against NBC yesterday. The suit states that the network violated the group's free-speech rights and weakened its sales by banning it after Vince Neil, the lead singer, used an expletive on the air in a Dec. 31 appearance on "The Tonight Show."

The lawsuit, filed in a federal court in Los Angeles, accuses the network of censoring the band to mollify a Federal Communications Commission that has been increasingly quick to levy steep fines for broadcasting indecent material on television and radio. The lawsuit says the network, which banned the group after Mr. Neil inserted an expletive into his New Year's greeting to Mötley Crüe's drummer, Tommy Lee, added insult to injury by promoting a summer reality series featuring Mr. Lee.

The band, known for 1980's hits like "Shout at the Devil" and "Girls, Girls, Girls," is requesting a ruling that NBC's ban is unconstitutional, a court order forcing the network to lift it, and unspecified financial damages tied to the band's reduced media exposure."We meant no harm, but it feels that we're being singled out unfairly," said Nikki Sixx, the band's bassist. "This is a discrimination issue, pure and simple. All we've ever asked is to be treated like everybody else, which is why we're taking this action."

In a statement yesterday, NBC said: "To ensure compliance with its broadcast standards, NBC has the right to decide not to invite back guests who violate those standards and use an expletive during a live entertainment program. The lawsuit Mötley Crüe has filed against us is meritless."...As a result, the band said, a previously planned appearance on NBC's "Last Call With Carson Daly" was called off. The band also said it was barred from appearing on other network programs, including "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," and media exposure that cost it prospective ticket, merchandise and album sales, as well as corporate sponsorships.

Even without appearances on the network, the band's new double album, "Red, White & Crüe," composed primarily of previously released songs, has sold a surprising 349,000 copies, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Still, when the ban went into effect, just before the release of the album, it "was a tender, important time for them," Mr. Miller said. "NBC's action was overkill."

It's a world gone mad, here's the band that blew half the national product of Columbia up their noses and injected the rest, they exchanged live ammunition with G 'n R backstage at a gig, had to cancel a European tour because their guitarist was temporarily dead from a drugs overdose, killed Razzle from Hanoi Rocks in a drink driving car crash and used huge swastika's as part of their stage set.

There are numerous reasons why any radio or TV station wouldn't want Crue appearing, and that's before Vince Neil opens his mouth.

As for it being "A tender, important time for them", well, let's have just one quote from one of the tender lads of Motley Crue.......

"We'd tried sticking broom handles, bottles, telephones and micropones up them (the groupies), we were running out of ideas for what to do with them." Thank you and a fucking good night Nikki Sixx.
Now you know what happens when I'm feeling a little down, I scour the web for you to bring you naked celebrities, and who do I have for you today ? Renee Zellweger naked perhaps ? Sorry, still working on that one. Danica Patrick nude ? Nope. (And for non USA readers who have never heard of Danica Patrick naked or otherwise, she's a racing driver.)

Today, I have dug through parts of the interwebnet better left untouched, and for your pleasure and delectation may I present.....

Gwen Stefani topless

(And the long term readers will have guessed the Danica Patrick naked thing is Google Zeitgeist hit builder)
Is anyone else tired of the way the media are reporting Kylie Minogue's cancer operation ? 'Brave, brave Kylie' trumpets the tabloids. Why so brave ? Is she any braver than any other cancer victim ?

She discovered she had cancer, she had an operation, big deal. Jane Tomlinson is a brave woman, so is my mum, Kylie may or may not be but I do wish the papers would stop going on about it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Album review : Mezmerize - System Of A Down*****

The world has gone slightly odd, I walk into the kitchen to find two teenage girls singing "My cock is much bigger than your cock", hmmm, part one of the new S.O.A.D. album has already made it's mark.

Mezmerize is to be followed later this year by Hypnotize, "The decision to release the two discs six months apart was made simply to give fans time to get into and really live with the music from Disc One before plunging into Disc Two" it says on the band's website. That's ok then, because I was obviously wrong in thinking that it was to make twice as much money from the fans, it's been four years since the last proper album so S.O.A.D. are probably getting a bit short of cash. Let's hope that Hypnotize isn't the farce that 'Steal This Album' turned out to be.

Onto the music then, bloody hell it's heavy. Most of the album tears along at a relentless and brutal pace, it is far, far heavier than any of their previous offerings. The breakneck speed reminds of hardcore and Napalm Death in places, honestly, it's that fast.

The album opens with the single B.Y.O.B (Bring Your Own Bombs), an epic slab of staccato riffing and spitting lyrics on an anti-war theme, Serj Tankian and Daron Malakian screaming "Why don't presidents fight the war, why do we always send the poor". The video for the song further expands the bands feelings on society and our willingness to do nothing about the world's ills so long as we are alright.

Further into the album, the pace hardly slackens but the lyrics become harder and harder to comprehend, listening to most of the album is akin to playing The Mars Volta at double speed whilst someone uses a road drill outside your window. 'Revenga' and 'Cigaro' plough on relentlessly, pounding their super fast catchy little rythyms right into your brain. There is the faintest slowing of pace on 'Radio/Video' a stab at celebrity obsessive culture but then 'This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song' arrives in an unholy infusion of Frank Zappa meets speed metal.

'Violent Pornography' makes some valid points about, well, violent pornography, but there's more hypocrisy here, you can't pretend to be anti-porn when drummer John Dolmayan has created what he terms, 'the vagina drum kit.' Yes, it's a drum kit covered with, well, you get the idea. 'VP' is fantastic though. It takes all the furious pace of 'Bounce' and then adds a strangely compelling Spice Girls chant with "Everybody, everybody, everybody fucks." Weird, but good weird.

'Sad Statue' is another, more direct, anti-war and also anti-apathy polemic. The album closes with two slower numbers, 'Old School Hollywood/Lost In Hollywood'.

This is a stunning album, S.O.A.D. have become faster and tighter as a band. One of my girls asked me what sort of music this is, who can say ? S.O.A.D. have carved a niche all for themselves, they have elements of Rage Against The Machine and speed metal but it's really all their own thing. Mezmerize is a more experimental album than Toxicity, many of the more obviously heavy metal parts of their music have been shed in favour of a surge of speed and lyrics spat out impossibly fast.

Part one of the twin album project is a hit then, but should we follow the band's own advice and take the title of their third album as gospel when it comes to Hypnotize, will part two be a proper album or just another collection of unfinished tracks deemed not good enough for a first album release ?

Monday, May 23, 2005

I would just like to say a big thank you to some of my staff, we had an exceptionally busy day on Friday and served around 250 meals from breakfast right through to evening dinner. Mrs YS, Clare and chefette Rebecca came in early to do the breakfast, lunch and buffet shift and worked bloody hard all day without a complaint.

When you really have to work hard it's fantastic when you have good people you can rely on to get the job done. I'm not knocking any of my other staff here, it's just that this trio did a remarkable job on Friday.

Whilst I'm handing out the compliments, thanks also to Rebecca, Clare, Rachel and Sarah who did a team Sunday lunch for me and thus allowed Mrs YS and myself to go out for lunch with my mother and father and the rest of the family.

Just so I don't miss anybody out, it's nice to have Libby back on the team, and thanks also to Jessica and Jenna, it was a very busy week last week and everyone did very well indeed.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

More Eurosongvisionthingy Malarky

As well as the assorted totty appearing on Eurovision, they also let the Austrians play...

Global Kryner, I guarantee you, if they were wearing lederhosen, they'd be slapping it. They describe their music as 'Global Karawanken beat', as if we didn't have enough reasons to laugh at them without masturbation references in their musical style.

Norway, the land of satanic death metal, church burning and cheap prawn sandwiches brings us, Wig Wam.....

To make themselves a bit more memorable these guys have given themselves amusing nicknames, from the left, Roger Taylor, Pat Butcher, Nikki Sixx, Frankie Poullain. Oh hang on, I seem to have wandered into an alternate dimension there for a moment, they have actually called themselves Teeny, Sporty, Glam and Flash, I think my suggestions were better, anyway they look like they are only there to take the piss and thus deserve to be the outright winners.

Germany's entry looks likely to provide some interest as well....

Gracia is already facing calls to quit the contest after it was revelaed that her manager bought 2,000 copies of her single in order to boost it into the German charts, that would be total sales of 2,016 then, oh, and her tits fell out in the semi-final when her 'exuberant, rocky dancing' got a little OTT, another Ruslana perhaps ?

Then there's Nox from Hungary.....

"On the first album of Nox, the infinitely rich tunes and lyrics of Hungarian folk music are blended with the electronic music of the third millennium. This is how we build a bridge between the ancient Hungarian pentatonic scale with the world of contemporary music." This is Eurovision you know, not University Challenge.

Friday, May 20, 2005


Ey up, it's nearly time for the Eurovision Song Contest, and with any luck it will feature Ruslana, the Ukrainian commando singer. But even if she's not there, there's Greek totty in the shape of...

Helen Paparizou, actually though, do you think there's a hint of ladyboy/shemale about Helen ? There's something in the cut of her jaw. Hmmm, perhaps we're on safer ground with the Russia competitor, Natalia Podolskaya.....

And of course, we should be cheering on our very own Javine....

I think an Arooga! may be in order, go girl.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

During one of our usual rambling kitchen discussions, new waitress Jessica suddenly says...

"Barcelona, that's in Brazil isn't it ?." There is a long, and I think, stunned, pause.

"Why do you think that ?" I almost hesitate to ask.

"Because it starts with a B."

Obviously. There is another pause, this time filled with sniggering, before Rachel says....

"Like Birmingham then." The floodgates open...



"Burley-In-Wharfedale !"

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Restaurant Review - Tubby Wadlows, Ilkley*****

A rare evening off, so we got hold of Wossername and his better half and went to Tubby's. We had a couple of drinks at Escape first where one of my previous employees is lurking in the kitchen.

At Tubby's we went strait to the table, ordered some drinks and wine and perused the menu. "You always go for the weirdest thing on the menu," said Mrs YS as I spotted a dish of honey glazed pigs cheek, she's right though, I'll home in on strange bits of an animal carcass over a more familiar cut every time.

The pig's cheek was superb, I don't really know what I was expecting, something with a lot of fat I suppose but what I got was two large quenelles of braised meat with very little fat, on a layer of sliced midi potatoes and a delightfully rich onion jus. The cheeks were tender without being too soft and the starter was generously sized. The mussels and scallops being devoured by the others were also pronounced excellent.

Both Wosser and myself went for the Cajun Chicken Kiev which was served with diced, fried potatoes and a nice Caesar salad with white anchovies, my favourite. My chicken was garlicky and succulent, I'm not sure where the Cajun element came in but it was very good. Wosser's chicken was a little pink near the bone, this was pointed out to the staff and removed from the bill.

The ladies both had huge pans of steaming mussels in front of them, we asked for some bread to mop up the sauce with and it arrived promptly.

I had chosen a bottle of Pinotage at £16.50 from an interesting wine list, it was a good choice for the pig's cheek and the chicken and was at perfect service temperature when it arrived.

The desserts list arrived, shock horror, there's no chocolate on it, but I don't really mind because Tubby's do excellent cheese platters. I chose four cheeses from the selection on offer, they come on a large square plate with a mound of grapes and about a dozen biscuits. We chose a glass of LBV port each to go with the cheeses.

Now something odd happened, a lull in the conversation at our table occurred just as a conversation at the bar picked up, and we could quite clearly hear the waiter talking about a good review the restaurant had received on Yorkshire Soul. We laughed and everyone else in the restaurant turned to look, Mrs YS lost no time in outing me to the staff and customers.

It was though another great meal at Tubby's, both food and service were great, portions are more than ample, we will be back.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Day In The Life

I joined one of those Flickr groups, A Day In The Life, where you take photo's of an average day in your life and put them up online to bore your family and friends, here's mine.......

Who is that knocking on the door of Yorkshiresoul Mansions this early in the morning ? Oh, it's the UPS girl with another delivery for my private cellar.

My mid morning art class, cheeky girls.

My secretary taking calls, she says there are a couple of things I need to see to.

I'm just popping off to the shops, a lift to Tesco ? Certainly young lady.

What a shame, this cyclist has got in the way of a rather interesting photo of an Elm tree.

Getting the car valeted.

Back at work and there's a queue of girls for the waitressing job.

It was difficult, but I've got the applicants down to these three.

Back in the kitchen, chefette helps with with some new chocolate recipes....

....and then some ideas for gingerbread.

After work I like to relax with a little pool or golf. So, that was my day, what did you get up to ?
Hoodies vs. Goths

In the enormous explosion of publicity for the shopping centre Bluewater and their banning of hoodie chav wear there have also been calls (mostly from chav's actually) to ban the wearers of "Gothic black."

I feel I must spring, ar at least stroll, to the defence of the goths. There are a number of reasons why you are unlikely to be mugged or attacked by goths......

1) Although wearing a pair of New Rock Boots might make you look tres hard (and on pretty goth girls tres sexy, but that's another matter), they also render you physically incapable of running after anyone.

2) "Mug someone, and risk breaking my glossy, black, spiderweb fingernails ?" - See also smudging purple lipstick, ruining towering hairstyle, tripping over filigree leg coverings / billowing coachmans coat / 17th Century hooped skirt.

3) Should a pack of goths overcome their natural inertia and begin chasing you, after a few paces the goths in the pack will begin to choke on the clouds of white face paint blowing off the lead goth, and he's wearing New Rock boots, no problem.

4) Goths are, on average, middle class and 11 years old, so just give them a hard stare and say "Adam Filbert-Hope, if you don't stop this nonsense at once I shall tell your father / house master / nanny."

Monday, May 16, 2005

The ever inventive gourmand Fraser over at Blogjam has spent the weekend creating an Ostrich Scotch Egg , go and look and salivate.

Captions ?
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz Series 3 : Week 8 Answers & League

I did think this was a more difficult quiz than usual when I was writing it, but having baffled mostly everybody with at least one or two questions and having received this letter from one anguished quizzer I'm wondering if next weeks quiz should be along the lines of "What is the capitol of Belgium ?", just so you can all keep your hair and get some sleep.

"Thank you so much for causing a total breakdown and loss of dignity. I've snivelled and whined, I've assaulted the keyboard, I've screamed at, threatened, and pleaded with Google, I've terrified my family for several hours this week, and all to no avail. Thus I shall admit defeat, submit the answers that I do have, swallow a handful of Valiumwith a bottle of wine, and vow to take these things a little lessseriously in future. ;) - Eleanor."

1) What delayed the start of the Crystal Palace vs. Southampton match on Saturday ? (1)

The referee refused to start the game because of balloons on the pitch. (And our resident CP fan, shame on you for not knowing).

2) The Beatles White Album was originally going to be called what ? (1)

A Doll's House

3) Noshaq, Alvernia, Ka'Kup. What are the next two names on this list and what is the list ? (3)

The next two names are Yding Skovhoj and Tata Mailan. The list is the tallest mountains by country with the countries being arranged alphabetically, taking the first country from each letter, thus....

Afghanistan - Noshaq
Bahamas - Alvernia
Ka-Kup - Cambodia
Yding Skvhoj - Denmark
Tata Lailan - East Timor

4) Winston Churchill, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Princess Diana. What are the next two names on this list and what is this list ? (3)

This is the '100 Greatest Britons' as voted for by BBC viewers, the next two names are Charles Darwin and William Shakespeare and I'm as confused as the next man as to how Princess Di got so far up the list.

5) Which former LUFC captain played his testemonial match recently, which club did he play for before LUFC ? (2)

Lucas Radebe, he played for the Kaiser Chiefs.

6) Coconut Fudge, Montelimar, Cream Tangerine, Ginger Sling with a Pineapple Heart, Coffee Dessert, this sounds like a rich menu, after you have eaten your way through this lot could you find three ways to entertain the offspring of royalty ? What am I talking about ? (5)

All the food items come from the song Savoy Truffle on The Beatles White Album, the next song is Cry Baby Cry and contains these suggestions for entertaining the children...
Playing the piano
Painting pictures
Holding a seance

7) Which king was murdered by members of an Islamic sect whose name became the name for this crime ? King and sect please. (2)

King Conrad of Jerusalem was murdered by the Assassins.

8) Can you singularly link Morton Stevens with the Johnny Keating Orchestra and Mark Snow ? (4)

There was a slight clue in the question, very slight. All these people did the theme music for a show with a letter in the title......
Morton Stevens - Hawaii Five O
Mark Snow - The X Files
Johnny Keating Orchestra - Z Cars

9) What is Dietrich Knickerbocker's real name ? Two of his most famous fables were written during an extended European sojourn, name them ? (3)

Washington Irving wrote Rip Van Winkle and The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow in Europe.

10) A month long pogrom against French Protestants killed up to 70,000 people across France in the 16th century. Who gave the order that began the killings ? Who was the original target of that order ? What name was given to the event ? (3)

Charles gave the order but it was actually made by Catherine De' Medici, the original target was Gaspard de Coligny, the event became known as the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre.

Week 8 Scores

Penny Farthing 19
Trisha 19
Eleanor 19
Pete 18
Chez 17
MR 16
Deborama 12

Week 8 League

1) Malcolm R 114
2) Eleanor 108
3) Chez 97 +
4) Dr. P 88-
5) Penny Farthing 57 =, Trisha (Saeri) 57=
7) I am a Donut 52
8) Alex H(Yorkshire Ranter) 26
9) Chay 14
10) Jo (Counting Sheep) 13
11) Deborama 12 +
11) Katherine(Chatiryworld) 9
12) Cocky 8
13) Ric B 6
14) Stuart 2
15) Tony T 0

Two quizzes to go and it's tight at the top with Eleanor gaining a few points on the defending champion, and with no entry from Dr.P Chez takes 3rd place.

An alternative answer for question 1...."Anyway, at a guess I'll say that there was a funeral service prior to the beginning of the match, to mark the demise of English football as we knew it after Chelsea bought, er won, the championship. If that isn't the real reason for the delay, it should be."

I agree Eleanor, although I'd care about it a lot more if the less than lighty LUFC hadn't been relegated last season, still, looking forward to LUFC vs Palace eh Paddy ?

Friday, May 13, 2005

What goes Around, Comes Around

For well over a decade Manchester United have used their massive financial clout to lure contracted players away from other clubs, buy into foreign clubs to use as feeder teams and have swapped their strips more often than their underwear in order to generate revenue.

Now they are being bought out by someone with more money than them, and suddenly all their fans are bleating about it, "Poor, poor Man U, what will become of us?."

Well I'm sorry you Mancs, you've boasted for years about how big your club is, and now you are going to learn how big business works.

Do you think we are all going to cry if your best players are sold to the highest bidder ? (aka Roman Abramovich). Did you think that Rio Ferdinand, who is not exactly noted for his loyalty to his employers, would stay if Chelsea offer to fill up his deep pockets ?

It's a club full of hypocrisy, from millionaire Roy Keane who sneers at the sponsors and businessman who pay his massive salary, to the super rich manager who takes his former friends to court over the definition of a gift.

Anyway, you don't know what suffering and humiliation is. I'm a poor old Leeds fan, supporter of a club subjected to some of the most inept financial mis-management in soccer history. If you really want to know what it feels like to be the supporter of a big club when it all goes really badly wrong, go and talk to a Notts Forest fan.
It is 20 years since 56 people died in the Bradford City fire disaster. I think everyone around here knew someone who was killed or injured in the fire. It seems incredible now that in a modern, civilized society that sports fans were treated so poorly, that a game that was quite happy to take their money week in, week out, could be so slack and uncaring that this could happen to their supporters.

Less than a month later 39 fans were killed at Heysel stadium. Football amply demonstrated that it had not learned many lessons from these two events when four years later, nearly a hundred Liverpool fans died in yet another tragedy at Sheffield Wednesday's Hillsborough ground.

Wherever there is money to be made from crowds of people, safety has often come a poor second to counting the money. When I used to attend Donnington Monsters Of Rock, it was plain to everyone just how dangerous the site could be, a gentle slope to the front of the stage caused people to be more tightly packed than at any other venue, add some rain and mud and plenty of alcohol and the dangers were obvious. Not so obvious to the promoters though, and nothing was done about the stadium until two fans were crushed to death in 1988 whilst G 'n R were onstage.

Here's to all the people who have been killed whilst just trying to watch something they loved, I hope your team is winning in Heaven, or that the mosh pit is frenetic, but safe.

In memoriam, the names of the victims of the Valley Parade disaster

Many more of these here. (Thanks to Popbitch)
Why The Beatles Invented Heavy Metal

One of the reasons I love The Beatles music so much is that they invented most of the modern forms of music that I listen to, my poorly researched reasoning for this is as follows.....

Heavy Metal / Doom Metal - I Want You / She's So Heavy, long before Black Sabbath (well, maybe a year before) started those grinding, melancholy riffs and an eon before Type O Negative had manic depressives frantically searching their medicine cabinets, The Beatles invented metal with this riff heavy, doom laden seven minute bout of abject, groaning misery, it's fantastic.

Goth - I'm So Tired + Yer Blues, whilst they don't employ the usual Goth paraphernalia of choirs, church organs and string sections, these two songs set the lyrical standard for pasty faced devotees of black nail varnish the world over.

Punk - Helter Skelter, you can't argue with my reasoning on this one.

Experimental Arty Weirdness - Revolution 9, the aural equivalent of standing in a strobe lit gallery showing the paintings of Giger, Bosch, Dali and my Godson Joseph.

Comedy Singles - Octopus's Garden, unfortunately The Beatles were also to set the ball rolling for the producers of 'humorous' singles which would eventually inflict the likes of Clive Dunn, Bob The Builder, The Teletubbies and Will Young upon the nation.
This is precisely why you should never, ever, let the drummer write the songs ( or leave him alone in the studio).

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It would be just my luck that I'd get there on ugly night.
It's Insane Shane McKane, singer of such country classics as "I Put The Ho in Hoedown" and the tearjerking "She Brings Home The Bacon....But I Deliver The Sausage."

Hmm, I think we've heard this sort of thing before.
Get a hair cut, I want the Fire cut, fantastic.

(thanks to Attu)
PETA - Don't lend them your dog

PETA Kills Animals, or so it says on a giant billboard in Times Square. PETA are dedicated to halting pet ownership (according to this website), maybe that's why they kill so many pooches.

You might remember some of PETA's insane/inane actions in the past.....

Drinking milk is akin to racism

Trying to persude Armin Meiwes to turn vegetarian

Eating fillet steak will ruin your erection
The Parrot Must Die

It was the classic love triangle, Mandy, myself and Mandy's parrot. I loved Mandy, she was fond of me but loved the parrot, the parrot hated me and was an out of control avian psychotic.

My first experience of the parrot was a painful one, left alone in Mandy's kitchen for a few moments I did what all good boyfriends should do and tried to get along with her pets, you understand the reasoning here, if she sees me as kind, considerate and animal loving she'll be more likely to sleep with me, obviously.

Petting the cat went fine, the cat purred and wrapped itself around my legs, so far so good. I approached the parrot cage fearlessly, the door was open, the parrot was giving me a look that I know understand to be a baleful glare but which at the time I mistook for warm and friendly.

As I reached in to ruffle the parrot's feathers it bit me on my right index finger, really hard, and it didn't let go. I screeched and hopped backwards, pulling the bird out of its cage as I went. My evil feathered assailant now began to grind its beak, scissoring its way through the skin on my finger and heading for bone at an alarming rate. I shrieked somewhat louder than I had the first time.

As Mandy reappeared in the doorway a strange scene greeted her, the air was filled with gray and green feathers ripped free from the bird when I had pulled it through the cage door, I was dancing in a circle, one arm outstretched with parrot firmly attached, showering blood and feathers as I went, knocking over crystal glasses, knick knacks and priceless family airlooms in my desperate bid to free myself from the thing trying to amputate my finger.

She freed me, shot me a look and said, "What did you do ?," in that accusatory tone only women can manage, and it worked, I felt a little ashamed even though I was the victim here. Bizarrely though, my tactic worked, when she calmed down and accepted my explanation for what had happened (albeit with the puzzled comment "Well, he's never done that before") she felt sorry for me, and I milked it, all the way to the bedroom.

After Christmas we were spending a few days at her grandparent's farm in Swaledale, the snow was lying on the ground, it was fantastic.

I awoke early and came down to make some breakfast, we'd been drinking the night before and I had a thick head, the kitchen was at tropical temperature, warmed by the giant Aga that took up one wall. I opened a window to let in some cooler air, and, I sensed rather than saw the impending attack. I ducked and the parrot passed over my head and strait out the window.

I saw my chance, and without a moment's hesitation I closed the window and went back to bed. Parrots are tropical birds, it shouldn't take long for Satan's feathered spawn to freeze then.

I dutifully took part in the search for the missing parrot later that morning, we searched every inch of the house but could find nothing. We were in the middle of a rambling discussion about what could possibly have happened to the parrot when there came a knock at the door.

I opened it. There stood one of the local farmers, he was holding the parrot, wrapped in a thick towel, at arms length. His other hand was heavily bandaged. The parrot twisted, writhed and squawked, it's little black eyes shining with evil intent. Carefully I accepted the dangerous package.

"Fucking thing were bothering my sheep," said the farmer.

"You could have shot it," I said, not realising that Mandy was now standing behind me.

I slept on the settee that night.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Clublife - A Bouncer's blog, why the picture of Joshua Tetley though ? Have they even heard of Tetley's Bitter in New York ?
It was Leeds Bookcrossers last night, second Tuesday of every month if you fancy coming along. I had the best night I've had at the bookclub. We did the quiz, always a problem with such a large group, and to say we reckon ourselves to be the clever, literate section of society, we came third, out of three, by a long way.

We seem to have hit a problem in the middle, we didn't write the answers in the correct boxes (fairly important), a question along the lines of "Who played prop forward for Leeds Tykes last year ?" was thus answered "Henry IV".

I'd already had a drink or two, and I got the giggles. My family and friends all know that once I've got the giggles, I can't stop. Each quiz answer now sounded like part of a Two Ronnies sketch as we answered the previous question, by the end I was mopping my eyes, weeping with helpless laughter.

A second giggling fit was to follow as a book of dreams was handed around and we all tried to decipher our sleeping thoughts. Apparently dreaming of sex means nothing important, if you dream of shagging Christobel Crowther from the 6th form that's all it means, you just want to shag Christobel Crowther. Much hilarity was had at my expense as I recounted odd dreams I have had.

A dream, involving men in a boat, pitchforks, and chickens.

Another dream, involving playgrounds, women in dungarees, and more pitchforks

A third dream, guest starring Margaret Thatcher and a large bottle of ketchup

I would further like to point out (especially if the owners/staff at the Wrens should read this), IT WASN'T ME THAT SET FIRE TO THE NON SMOKING ROOM!

If you like books, booze, good folk and a laugh, come along next month, we'll confiscate the matches from the pyro's.

Comments ?
More on the lovely Tory Girl Theresa May, it seems you can now get Mail Order Tory Brides, sheesh, the things they'll do for votes.

Thanks to Ric at Subvulture for pointing that out.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz Series 3 : Week 8

Answers to Yorkshiresoul@gmail.com on/by Sunday 15th May. No lists of possible answers, Have fun.

1) What delayed the start of the Crystal Palace vs. Southampton match on Saturday ? (1)

2) The Beatles White Album was originally going to be called what ? (1)

3) Noshaq, Alvernia, Ka'Kup. What are the next two names on this list and what is the list ? (3)

4) Winston Churchill, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Princess Diana. What are the next two names on this list and what is this list ? (3)

5) Which former LUFC captain played his testemonial match recently, which club did he play for before LUFC ? (2)

6) Coconut Fudge, Montelimar, Cream Tangerine, Ginger Sling with a Pineapple Heart, Coffee Dessert, this sounds like a rich menu, after you have eaten your way through this lot could you find three ways to entertain the offspring of royalty ? What am I talking about ? (5)

7) Which king was murdered by members of an Islamic sect whose name became the name for this crime ? King and sect please. (2)

8) Can you singularly link Morton Stevens with the Johnny Keating Orchestra and Mark Snow ? (4)

9) What is Dietrich Knickerbocker's real name ? Two of his most famous fables were written during an extended European sojourn, name them ? (3)

10) A month long pogrom against French Protestants killed up to 70,000 people across France in the 16th century. Who gave the order that began the killings ? Who was the original target of that order ? What name was given to the event ? (3)

27 points on offer this week, it's enough to seriously improve your chances, take an outright lead or even soar up the league table as a new entrant, good luck.
Hamm Cemetery - Harold Guyer

I've just noticed a spike in my visitors page for the above search, the article on my visit to the American War Cemetary at Hamm is here. I hope this helps if you were searching as the link from Google was coming up with the latest page.
Fun in the sun

Summer is here, hoorah! Over the months April to September the business will take about 75% of the annual turnover. It's feast or famine at golf clubs and we're feasting at the moment.

Last Wednesday we held the inaugural Ilkley Seniors Open Day (which was actually held over from the week before when the course closed due to flooding) with 110 players, we had a charity golf day for Cry : Cardiac Risk in the Young on Thursday, on Friday the good folk of Ilkley Lawn Tennis Club crossed the river to try their hand at the 18 hole game, Saturday was a medal competition and as for Sunday! A day which I thought was going to be quiet suddenly filled up with bookings, three different buffets and a dinner for the golfing boys of Sedbergh school.

Thanks to everyone who chose Ilkley Golf Club as their venue.

I appear to be having a bit of a sea change with the staff, Ric and Elliot have departed, my stalwarts of four years, Lisa and mad dancing veggie Claire will be looking for proper jobs after finishing university and Ros is only working for a few weeks due to university commitments.

So, it's out with most of the old, in with the new. The few remaining old guard of 'Princess' Becca, 'Lovely' Robyn and Rachel are joined by Clare, 'Mini-chav' Sarah, Jessica, Libby and Jenna and for the first time in four years I have no boys on the staff.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Caption (s) ?

Caption (s) ?

A yard sale, like a carboot for people who can't be bothered driving. So what happened ? Did he get better ?
Don't you just love Google, I was looking up some stuff about the Conservative party, typed in Theresa May and good gracious me, those Tories will do anything to get votes.

NSFW by the way.
Quick, find someone to blame.

So the Tories didn't win the election, their response, same as always....get a new leader.

I'm sure that one of the major reasons behind the Tories loss of the '97 election and their subsequent defeat in the '01 election was the constant, and bitter, infighting in the party and the numerous changes in leadership.

I was a fan of Maggie (and the Poll Tax, everyone pays - you don't get more egalitarian than that), but the Conservative MP's did Maggie in and we got John Major instead. I quite liked John Major, he seemed a reasonable bloke, liked cricket and led his government in an inclusive style. Behind him though, his party squabbled and bickered and fell into factions, then they did him in.

So we got William Hague, now I am a great fan of Hague, I think he's a truly gifted speaker, sharp and clever at the dispatch box and he's a Tyke to boot. His party though, for his entire term in office, behaved with all the co-ordination and purpose of four year olds at playtime, then they did him in.

Iain Duncan Smith, I wasn't a great fan of IDS although he seemed a decent enough man. By this time I was so thoroughly sick of the parliamentary party that I was voting green and yellow instead of blue. So, honest bloke leads party filled with backbiting, public sniping and knives in dark corridors, and guess what ? They did him in.

Michael Howard, I'm not a fan at all, he's way, way too right wing for me. I am deeply worried by the Tories flirting with race/racist policies with regard to immigration. Michael Howard though seems to have the party singing from the same songsheet, for the first time in a decade almost the entire parliamentary Conservative party seems to want to move in the same direction, so what happens ? He loses the election, and he's going to quit.

Aaaaargh! It's so frustrating for the voters, you have no idea from one set of elections to the next where the Tory party will be heading. Why on earth is he quitting, the Conservatives have achieved their best results for three elections. Crucially though, they failed to significantly increase their share of the vote.

William Hague has made a really interesting comment, he has admitted that his policy of letting the entire party membership choose the leader was wrong. He seems to be inferring, only days after the election, that Michael Howard is the wrong man for the job and that a different voting system would have elected a different leader (and therefore possibly brought about a different result).

So who next, David Davis seems the early favourite, William Hague is being touted as well, but whoever gets the job better keep one eye behind him because it's never long before the Tories start sharpening their knives.

Friday, May 06, 2005

So it's another 5 for Bliar and his cronies, the Tories took a few seats but didn't improve their share of the vote and Charly Kennedy becomes the Liberal leader with the most MP's since someone you've forgotten about from history lessons.

We're stuck with Ann Cryer burning her way through tens of thousands of pounds of tax payers money, the BNP took almost 10% of the vote here - this is how the nazi's started you ignorant buffoons, nice Karl Poulson didn't get my vote even after writing and e-mailing me (sorry Karl, you blew yourself out on the carbon trading issue).

On the good news front, my least favourite MP Chris Leslie (career politician since university) over in Shipley has suddenly found himself unemployed. Tough luck mate, now you might consider getting a proper job and learning a bit about life before you try to run people's lives for them.
Election News

Confusion reigns in the constituency of Manchester Village as hundreds of crossdressers and transvestites attending a rally held by the Labour candidate claim he clearly offered them "Five more queers."

Thursday, May 05, 2005

"Dad, can I sit in the front ? Oh go on, please"

"We have two contacts on the starboard side captain"

Yes I was a little melancholy yesterday, I'm happier now though. There's nothing like an inbox that my friends have filled with rubbish to cheer me up, therefore, courtesy of young Chez I would like to present......

Puppetry of the Penis - Sunday School

Puppetry of the Penis - Party Guy

Puppetry of the Penis - Cool Dude

Puppetry of the Penis - Cowboy

I don't know what the correct name for this perversion is, but I'm sure Nia or Saeri can tell me.
Test for DementiaBelow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!!

First Question:You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrongagain. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not.Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Okay, now the bonus round:There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask.

(Thanks to Stuart, and I answered Nunu, I'm a bit slow this morning.)
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

(Thanks to Stuart)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

If I should die in a car crash, please don't put flowers by the roadside. I'd rather not have the world reminded of where I absent mindedly swerved into the oncoming hay laden tractor whilst air guitaring to Leper Messiah.

Instead, when my bones are burned and my flesh is ash (and they've prodded my liver with a stick to check that it is finally dead), get out onto the hills of the Dales and scatter a little ash here and there along the way, because that's where I liked to be, here and there.

Save a pinch to throw on the floor at the mosh pit at Rio's and a final dash for someone's garden, that of Mrs YS and myself, or Wosser's, or even P's if you can see it, then let the kids run riot and tread it in, and let the adults get merry and tell bad jokes and spill wine upon it (but not the cheap stuff mind!), and then I think I'll remain in all the places I was happiest.

Heaven I hope, will be steep hills, dry stone walls and tumbling becks, and my family and friends waiting at the pub at journey's end where some long haired blokes in denim and leather are about to take the stage.

I try to do my little bit to save the planet so I have been reviewing how much recycling we have done over the last year, both personally and for the business.

Carrier Bags 95% +, these are nice and easy to recycle, as long as they are clean you can just take them back to the supermarket, Tesco in Ilkley in my case, and put them in the recycling bin.

Cardboard/Paper 95% +, we used to burn all our cardboard, now we have a large crushing machine that squashes all our card and paper down into a big block, again, as long as it is clean.

Glass 70% ish, this is a bit harder to figure, we do recycle all of our wine bottles and other large bottles and this usually fills our two glass bins each month. Just as we have managed this however all of the soft drink companies have changed from returnable to disposable glass bottles. It does seem that just as people in general are becoming more environmentally aware, some big companies (Britvic, Schweppes etc) have ditched their washing and recycling programs to put the onus of recycling on the individual customer.

Plastic 20%, I really must try harder here, I got off to a good start last year but then sort of tailed off. We go through masses of plastic, all kinds of food containers, milk bottles, sauce bottles. In a busy week in summer we can easily fill a couple of bin liners with assorted plastic waste.

Cans 20%, same as the plastic, got going and then tailed off. At least you can crush the cans down a bit.

Oil 100%, again, nice and easy, this is the one item that has been recycled for as long as I can remember. All our waste cooking oil is put into a large drum which the recycling company picks up every couple of months. The grounds staff do the same with all their waste motor oils.

A bit patchy then, I'll have to try harder with the plastic and cans. There are plenty of places to recycle here in Ilkley, there are small depots at Booths and Tesco, and the larger council depot on Goldenbutts Road plus other facilities in the main car park.

I cannot understand Bradford Council's attitude to recycling though. The Council have targets to meet for recycling waste, the council depot does not accept trade waste. Thus all the large items that I could recycle (20 liter oil cans, 20 liter plastic detergent drums etc) have to be thrown in the general rubbish, does this make any sense ?

We also produce masses of vegetable waste which goes strait into the bins. I don't have a garden so I don't need compost, but if anyone would like a load of veg peelings and the like for composting just get in touch with me, yorkshiresoul@gmail.com, you can phone me at work on 01943 607277, ask for Mike. I might be able to deliver composting stuff in Ilkley, Addingham, Burley etc., on those rare days when I have a bit of free time.

Young Wayne Rooney has one shandy too many at his parent's wedding.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Walking Yorkshire : Whernside & Ingleborough

I set off from pretty Ingleton, and what a difference a week makes, the sun is out, it's about 15 degrees warmer than last week, I have remembered my painkillers, everything is looking good.

Wildflower meadows beside Oddies Lane north of Ingleton, every area untouched by sheep is alive with wild primroses and dozens of others varieties unknown to Yorkshire Soul.

I walked up Twisleton Scar End (700755) and onto the top of Twisleton and then followed the long but fairly easy climb along West Fell and Combe Scar (731798) to the top of Whernside. The picture shows the looming, cloud topped peak of Ingleborough as seen from Twisleton with the exposed limestone pavements of Raven Scar below it.

Twisleton Scar End.

First view of West Fell with Whernside behind, it doesn't look all that impressive coming from the south as you have gained much of the peak's height on the steady ascent.

Ingleborough again as seen from above Combe Scar.

Ribblehead viaduct as seen from just below the summit of Whernside, and there's a steam engine going across it.

The summit trig point looking across to Dentdale. A nice packed lunch of haslet butties and Marks & Spencer's chocolate chip shortbread and pint of Robinsons Lemon Barley Water and I'm ready for the next leg.

I had planned to walk around the north of Whernside and come back down Deepdale, but I've seen the scenery all morning as I've walked along the ridge, so instead I turn south and walk to Ribblehead instead.

Force Gill waterfall on the lower flanks of Whernside, it's like a mini Malham Cove.

Ribblehead Viaduct, and Crumble the dog. The viaduct is a spectacular piece of engineering, Crumble the dog is a overly friendly pain in the neck. "Come away Crumble, stop licking that man's hand" comes the endless shouts from the dog's owner over the next mile or so which I spend thinking dark thoughts about new uses for the sharp end of my hiking pole.

Ingleborough again. It's so tempting, I'm stood on the road side looking at my watch and thinking "Even if it takes me Y time to climb it, that still leaves X time to get back to Ingleton." If only I'd bought a watch with numbers.

Southerscales on the west flank of Ingleborough. I've managed to talk myself into a second peak, originally I was just going to walk back to the car and seek out a pub with a beer garden.

Whernside as seen from Ingleborough.

Ingleborough summit, the trig point, cairn and shelter with Pennyghent behind. It is windy up here, but much nicer than last time I came up at the end of January when the horizon was roughly six feet away.

Rocks near Crina Bottom (724735) on the south western slope of Ingleborough.

This walk was approximately 18 miles and took 7 hours to complete with numerous stops to photograph things and generally revel in the beauty of Yorkshire. You will need OS map OL2, boots and sensible clothing, the weather forecast said good all day but this being the Dales I have packed a jumper and waterproofs just in case.

If walking on your own it's always a good idea to tell someone where you are going and what time you should be back.

The best thing I have bought for hiking recently is one of those water tankers, a giant (and very tough) flexible plastic pouch that fits in your backpack which has a tube with a non drip nozzle on the end so that you can drink whilst walking and not have to stop and go rummaging through your kit. I think it cost about £14 but has proved to be money well spent, highly recommended.

So that's two in a day, I had better find a date to do all three!