Thursday, September 30, 2004

Bugger this for a lark, I'm off to Germany, and Holland, and Luxembourg, and probably France, maybe Switzerland as well, see you all next week.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Gig Review - Magnum at Bradford Club Rio ****

For once, the doors at Rio open on time, they still only have two bar staff for six hundred people though, I solve this by getting in three pints at at a time.

When bands get to this age, Bob Catley and Tony Clarkin seem to be about the same age as my parents, they're not really going to get many new fans, old bands don't often break back into the big time. If they were good in their day though, they can continue to do this, pack out mid size venues with die hard supporters.

I chatted to a few folk, and amongst the locals there are a lot of people who are following the band around most of this ten date UK tour, an IT manager from Southampton, a charming Glasweigan couple, and then I bumped into these two.............

Superstars of rock!! Simon Shagouri and Andy Brown from Under Lock And Key. We havn't seen each other in about ten years so it was nice to have a pint and a natter and catch up. Tragedy though, just as Andy is saying they have supported Magnum before, Bob Catley walks up and asks why are they not on the tour ? Blank looks all round, a breakdown in communication between the bands has meant that ULAK have been missed from the bill, and thus we get no support band tonight.

Magnum take to the stage, the great thing about these boys is that they really can play well, and Catley is an accomplished singer. I didn't take any notes, but from memory they play 'Brand New Morning' , 'The Blue And The Grey' , 'Wild Swan' and an old classic that gets a rapturous reception, 'All Englands Eyes'.

The band now have ex-Thunder drummer Harry James, Mark Stanway on keyboards and Al Barrow on bass, they are a good tight unit, they perform with zeal and give a profesional performance, Catley especially seems to relish tonights set.

Good show, the tracks from the new album seem to indicate a good return to form for the band, and although the days are long gone since they played to 60,000 people at the Garden Party, they put on a damn good show in front of a few hundred in Bradford.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

A - The police.

Why are Chavs like slinkies?

A - They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

(Thanks to Daisy)

DSP Andy reports finding this beast whilst searching for a squirrel in his pyjamas.

An Update From The BPA

I wrote to the British Paralympic Association to ask about the lack of information on their website concerning the athletes they had sent to Athens. The wonderfully named Pippa del Nevo has written to me to explain that it is all a question of resources, with so many athtletes receiving last minute classifications, some of these when they had actually arrived in Athens, the BPA just don't have the staff to process all the information at the last minute.

Maybe next time around a few volunteers could be rustled up, some amateur photographers to get along to parasports meets and take pictures of the athletes, somebody to do interviews and write up some biographies, a techie or two to design a site along the lines of the BOA one, and a couple of folk to process all the information at the start of the Beijing Olympics, I'm sure that the BPA would be glad to have any help.
Not So Super Leeds

I took Mrs YS to watch LUFC last night, oh dear, we're not very good anymore, actually, we're not the same team at all.

We spent the first half hour playing "Who's he then ?", Mrs YS got most excited when she saw Gary Kelly, just because it was someone she actually recognized. "He's had a haircut," she said, why is it women notice these things in the middle of a game ? Perhaps because there was little else of interest to distract her.

Kelly and one of the numerous new boys, Frazer Richardson, linked up well in the first half on the right, delivering the ball forwards regularly, the defence looked alright, the midfield of Sean Gregan, Jermaine Wright and Danny Pugh were a bit workaday and uninspired, but managed fairly well. New boy striker Brett Ormerod went off after 18 minutes with a head wound but was to re-appear later on.

We are not scoring any goals from strikers, only one in nine matches, part of the problem is Brian Deane. Deano first played at Leeds United when my father was a small boy, just after WW2, then he was quite nippy for a big man, scored quite a few goals and made the lives of the opposition defence fairly unpleasant. Now he's just, well, fucking useless to be honest.

He's lazy, despite being seven foot five he lost every challenge for a header that came near him, as soon as the ball gets more than a couple of feet away he gives up, and even when he gets the ball, well sadly, he plays like I do, give him three seconds on the ball and he'll pass it to the opposition. He was on the pitch for 79 minutes before he completed a pass, then he was promptly substituted.

I propose a permanent substitution for Deano, if a large lump of wood was installed a few feet out from the penalty area it would serve about the same job, it wouldn't run around, it would be quite large, and it would have the added advantage that the Leeds players could volley balls at it really hard and hope that a lucky deflection would send it past the keeper.

Anyway, Sunderland scored a good goal, we had what seemed a good goal (lucky bounce off Deano's head, see, see I'm right, get the lump of wood in there) disallowed, and then we had a penalty given, new boy Brett Ormerod took it, and he took it like my four year old nephew would, with much childlike enthusiasm but no real hope that it would ever get past the keeper, and it didn't.

To cap the night, I got a "go on the mackems" text from bitter brother in law mk.2. His beloved Sheffield Wednesday are currently half way down League One, that's the Third Division for those still working in Imperial. He suffers from the footballing version of penis envy, LUFC have been a big club, even if the aren't at the moment, whereas as SWFC have just about found their true level, half way down the Third Division.

Looking at the LUFC site this morning, I'm amused to see that the Leeds fans voted Michael Ricketts as their man of the match, he was on the pitch for 11 minutes after replacing the hapless Brian Deane. Strangely, 3% of those who voted for the man of the match, voted for Michael Duberry, who didn't actually play.

If the management at LUFC are wondering why 10,000+ seats are unoccupied at home games, I'll tell them, two seats last night for 90mins of mostly average, and sometimes dreadful football, cost me £62. That's right, sixty two quid, thirty per seat and then a one pound booking charge.
I hate booking fees, my industry has an equivalent in charging you £15 for a main course and then charging extra for potatoes and vegetables, in both cases it's a rip off.

LUFC are selling their own tickets, how on earth can they justify a booking fee?

Friday, September 24, 2004

Wine Review - Selkirk Shiraz, Bremerton Estate, Langhorne Creek, '00 *****

Wow, big nose and a superb concentration of flavour. It's sort of Rhone like, but deeper and with gamey/smokey characteristics, let it linger on your tongue and you get a core of spices and a hint of cloves surrounded by velvety dark chocolate.

Would go nicely with any game, I had it with woodpigeon, or with red meats, pepper steak or mature cheddar, it's a pretty good price at £8.99 from Martinez. Rebecca Willson, the winemaker, recommends 5+ years of cellaring to get the best out of the wine, I'm sure I can squeeze a few bottles onto my already groaning racks.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - The Autumn Series

It's back, the rules then............

Answers to by the date given. Titled 'Quiz Answers' or similar.

Give only the answers asked for, don't provide lists of possibles.

Feel free to add amusing comments or point out my endless question errors (these are unlikely to earn you points however).

Weekly and ongoing points for the 10 quiz series will be published, please indicate your preferred monicker.

1) Gary Cooper made his first big screen appearence in which film ? (1)

2) What links Robert Donat, Greer Garson, Paul Henreid and John Mills with,
Peter O'Toole, Petula clark, Michael Redgrave and Sian Philips ? (2)

3) It is a Norman D enclosure founded in c.1080, extended with six round towers added by Robert Cliffod, beseiged and severley damaged in 1645, and later renovated by Lady Anne Clifford, what is it ? (1)

4) Which profession undertook training on 'Baker Days' ? (1)

5) What are the next two names on this list ? (2)

6) Basil Brush always punctuated his jokes with a 'Boom Boom!', but which comedian coined the phrase ? (1)

7) In 1797, the Norman X Depot at Stilton became the worlds first what ? (1)

8) 'Perish my birthday and the night I was conceived, keep it darkened, don't let the Lord see it, shine your lights elsewhere, tear it from the calender, scrub it from the tally of days, silence any happy voices, why was I not stillborn ?'

Crickey! I have paraphrased his speech, but who was having such a bad time that he said this ? (1)

9) What was the original name for German Bight, and in which year was its name changed ? (2)

10) Which group adopted the phrase 'Year Zero' to denote the start of their period of rule ?

Answers to me by Thursday 30th, I'll try to do the answers then, if not, then I've done a Blogjam (tm) and buggered off to Germany.
British Paralympic Babes

I know, I've been a bit slow off the mark on this one, and it has been made all the harder by the British Paralympic Association. When the British Olympic Association put their website up for the Olympic games, they handily included a full list of all athletes competing, with a thumbnail picture and a small biography. On the BPA website, this section is restricted viewing for athletes and staff only.

How strange, you would think that displaying the athletes would be good publicity, even if it leads to loons like me trawling it for a quick laugh. I have written to the BPA to ask just why they keep their athletes names shrouded in secrecy.

10 times gold medal winner (probably more by the time I write this) Tanni Grey-Thompson.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Male customers visiting lap-dancing clubs could have their photographs taken and posted on a website, women's rights campaigners warned yesterday. The strategy involved placing pictures of the men on a website

It was abandoned after clubgoers retaliated by deeming the protesters "ugly" and putting their photos on a site called

I think this is a spoof story doing the interwebnet rounds, but it's stil pretty funny.
PETA, bloody idiots, but once you let these fools get started they just don't know when to stop.

Over here they've had a hand in getting the anti-hunting bill going, over in the USA they are trying to ban rodeos, now I wouldn't want to get atop a horse or bull at the best of times, but if that's your thing, well good luck to you, I certainly don't want to see it banned.

You take my word for it, they'll start with foxhunting, then it will be horseracing (they're trying to get it banned now!), meat eating, wearing leather, fishing, buying a hamster for your kids, owning fishponds, walking the dog, spreading slug pellets around your prize cabbages.

Stop them now, these crazies know no bounds, once the stable door is opened, and the horse has been led away to the security of a cruelty free, non-competative stabling environment, it'll all be too late.

Hamsters and a 12 bore, it's a great combination.

Here's a nice blog, Bogbumper, it's the very nicely done photoblog of a twitcher down in Cambridgeshire, well worth a look, nice one Katie.
Ahem, just found this, it might not be worksafe, it's decidedly politically incorrent, have a look Rex Kramer - Danger Seeker

Need to impress your girlfriend ? Try this. It might even impress your boyfriend if you're that way out, make sure the bedroom door is locked though, it isn't going to impress your Mum, and they didn't feature my two personal favourites, 'Last chicken In The Shop' and 'Sausage On A Plate.'

I Am The God of Fuck

Good old Marilyn has an excellent interview in this weeks NME, two memorable quotes, on politics.................

"I would vote for Kerry if he did something to impress me, but it would have to be fucking a man or taking crack or something like that."

And he quotes a record company exec moaning about the proposed video for (S)aint............

"There is nothing in this we can use, there are twenty scenes of you (Manson) taking coke, and a three way homosexual sex scene."

It's good to see marraige hasn't mellowed the old boy.
It's probably the most unsafe for work thing I have ever posted, but porn kung fu has a touch of insane genius about it.

Need to clean up after that ? You need Masculout, gee, thanks Mom. This isn't all that safe for work either.
Champions Trophy

Ok, so who had money on an England vs. West Indies final then ? No, me neither.

Although England have been improving steadily at the proper game for some years now, we have always looked rocky when playing the one day matches, but recent games against India and Sri Lanka have shown improvements to this side of our game as well.

Against Australia though, now we're a good side once again they're the team we really want to play, all things go in cycles and we should approach next years Ashes series with a realistic chance, a young, hungry, aggressive side taking on the past masters, whilst still great, I don't think the Ozzies bowling attack looks as fearsome as it once did, older legs and a slowing of once ferocious pace are beginning to show.

Still, hearts were a flutter at the start of the semi final, Gilchrist and Hayden opened up in fine style, adding over a run a ball for seven overs before Harmison got Hayden to send one to Trescothick. Australia continued to make steady progress though, Gilchrist, Lehmann and Clarke all made steady starts, Martyn got a creditable half century and the lower order, oh dear, they've caught England Tail disease.

Alex Wharf, if he's not high up the batting, and he only bowls 3 overs, what on earth is he there for ?

Captain Michael Vaughan's form has been suspect all summer in the one day game, all right then, it's been mostly bloody dreadful, but in the semi he led from the front, bowling 10 overs of quirky spin for 42 made him nearly the least expensive bowler of the day, he gained three wickets and then eclipsed Trescothick's excellent 81 runs by getting 86 himself.

Andrew Strauss added more runs to a superb debut summer by rattling a quickfire 50 off 39 balls, Giles continues to in the form of his career, the only odd point is Darren Goughs continued inclusion in the squad, I know he took three wickets, but only one in the top order, and he was by far the most expensive of the bowlers, again.

All in all, a fantastic result over the side we most want to beat. Pakistan said that their final had come with the group match against India, and it showed in their lacklustre performance against the Windies.

Saturday 25th, Edgebaston, England v. West Indies.

Monday, September 20, 2004


I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and amps
But not the spark of love

But now that you are here with me
My heart is overjoyed
You turn the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid

You load things from my memory
Onto my system's bus
My life was once assembly code
Now it's C++

I love the way you solder things
My circuits you can fix
The voltage across your diode
is much more than just point six

With your amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You are my function generator

You have charged my life,
increased my gain
And made my maths discreet
And now I'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete.

(Thanks to Alien)
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

(Thanks to Gary)

It's Not The Best Newspaper In The World, It's Not Even The Best Newspaper In Ilkley

The dear old Ilkley Gusset, week after week they blunder on, blind to all errors, it's obvious they can't afford to employ a proofreader.

This week a small headline on page 3 says "Paris trip is easy peasy for chef Steven" and goes on to report that Steven Myers, one of the chefs at Escape, has one a trip to Paris for his (and I kid you not) imaginative use of peas in a starter and main course.

The fabulous dishes that Steven created were, erm, well, they forgot to tell us, so well done Steven with cooking whatever it is you cooked, and sorry if you got upstaged by the runaway wheelie bin article.

The Gusset really excels in local sports reporting though, and this article needs no further explanation, I quote...............

"Pannal beaten by classy Trojans side

Pannal Sports 1 - Burley Trojans 1"

Did She Really Say That ?

I caught a few minutes of daytime tv today (it's ok though, I dragged myself away before any lasting damage could be inflicted), and heard a strange comment from an American celebrity watcher, she said..........."I'm bummed, I just missed Angelina Jolie on the catwalk".

Sorry miss, but that particular phrase is making a comeback, amongst my waiting staff anyway, and is being used for it's original meaning, thus I just heard someone on daytime tv say.......

"I've just had anal sex, and I missed Angelina Jolie."
Monday Offers

As promised, a few of this weeks offers, anyone wanting anything can contact me at my gmail address, or phone me at home/work. There are hundreds of lines available in addition to the few I have listed here, phone me if you have something in mind, we can also get fresh fish, trimmed to your requirements, pates, desserts, cooked meats/joints.

Where the items have come from the food brokers I have added a few notes (if I have tasted the item).

Orders need to be placed on a Thursday morning for Friday collection (I can also place a Monday order for Tuesday collection if you want £40+ of orders).

Orders will be ready for collection by about 4pm, payment on collection please, I can't deliver (not even to Canada!), please don't ask for credit as the beardy bloke with the cricket bat gets all uptight about it.

Sliced Back Bacon, pack size 2.27kilo, standard (Danish) quality, £8 per pack.

Chicken Drumsticks (uncooked) x10, £2

Red Pepper or Brie and Onion Tarts, 210g each, £3.60 for 12
(I've tried the Brie&Caramelised Onion tarts, the pastry can be slightly damaged but they are a good size, dressed up they can make either a substantial starter or light meal, tasted good)

Onion Bhaji's, bag of 20, £6 per bag
(Superb, restaurant style round, not flat, light, tasty, packed with onion)

Smoked Salmon Canapes, 12 to a tray, 3 different varieties with cream cheese fillings, £1.50 per tray (Quite good, saves hours of fiddly work)

Chocolate Melting Cake, 12 portions, £6 (Very good, gooey, fudge cake type dessert with thick layer of ganache style topping)

Cartmel Sticky Toffee Puddings, 900g tray, 9 good portions, £7

Next week I'll stick this lot over on it's own page so I'm not cluttering YSoul with it.

Premiership Reading Stars

Following reports that many of Britain's youngsters are below the standard reading age for Europe, the Premiership has enlisted many of its overpaid stars into the reading campaign.

Success so far has been a bit hit and miss, no figures are yet available for exactly just how many footballers have been taught to read, Lee Bowyer was dropped from the scheme after an unfortunate head butting incident with Tinky-Winky during a Teletubbies reading group.

Jonathan Woodgate, who's LUFC nickname was Village, as in idiot, was reported to be distraught after a fire at his house destroyed his library, both books were lost, and he hadn't even finished colouring one of them in yet.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Shame about the violence at yesterdays demo, it was rather difficult to tell whether it was the honest anger of the soon to be jobless working man, rent a mob, or animal rights activists seeking to discredit the Countryside Alliance.

The Alliance has distanced itself from the Commons protests .......

Whatever the feelings of the majority of the population though, this Labour government is determined to have this bit of class action rammed through parliament. A similar hunting ban was forced through the Scottish parliament two years ago....................

Hunts in Scotland before the ban = 10

Hunts in Scotland after the ban = 10

Why are Scots MP's still allowed to take part in votes on matters that only affect England and Wales ? Blair will say by rote "It is because we are a United Kingdom", but we have in effect foreign MP's voting in our parliament, it is high time that members were barred from taking part in votes that do not affect their constituencies.

Food Brokers

Food brokers work by purchasing supermarket and factory overproduction, factory seconds and mistakes, and then selling them onto the trade at astoundingly low prices. Sometimes stuff is short dated and seconds/mistakes can be of variable quality, so it's buyer beware.

Over the summer I have been purchasing regularly from a food broker and there have been some great bargains, some of the best.............

Somerfield Chocolate Puddings with Chocolate Sauce @ 20p each

'Bread and Butter Puddings' - these were large (12 portions) and we couldn't really tell what they were supposed to be, after tasting we decided on calling them 'Orange and Sultana Puddings', they cost £2 for a 12 portion!

A selection of Ginsters pasties which were too large to fit the packaging, a snip at 25-45p each depending on filling.

Turkey Buts (boned turkey crowns) that came in at £7, a £1 per lb for pure meat, no skin or bone.

Breaded Camembert, decent size, about 100g, 20p each.

Huge chunks of Parmesan for a mind boggling £20 (about 4lb weight)

I'm telling you this because I help out with a few cricket clubs, I'm going to try and put some offers up on Yorkshire Soul on a Monday afternoon, orders to reach me by first thing Thursday morning, collection on Friday afternoon/evening.

Anyone who wants anything from these offers is welcome, contact me at or phone me at home or work if you have my number.

I will post notes on products if I have tried them, almost everything has been of good quality, even if sometimes the description seems to only loosely fit the product.

The Great Meat Escapade

Well done to everyone that took part in yesterdays great meat escapade, apologies to those folk I didn't have time to ring.

What happened was this, one of my suppliers had made a number of delivery errors, leaving me badly in the lurch for at least two functions, as an apology they sent the rep round and offered me, as a one off, 50% off their top quality fresh meat.

The sales rep even told me that another chef he had made a similar offer to had taken advantage by ordering three cases of steaks, three! Cogs were already spinning, as soon as the rep was back out the door I got on the phone to family and friends, after all, I can always get hold of cheap, therefore lower quality meat, but restaurant quality at half price is too good not to share.

Come order day I've got an A4 list of orders. When the driver dropped it he said....."What's going on here, have you got a bloody carnivores convention going on?" Boxes of meat were stacked waist high around the kitchen, it took me over an hour to sort it all out.

I had spent a few minutes the previous night measuring the available space in my freezer with a tape measure to see just how many ribs of beef I could squeeze into it, I think it's now in danger of reaching a beefy critical mass and collapsing into a bovine black hole.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Henman Wins.....................

..........bottle of bubble bath in Wimbledon Ladies Section charity tombola.

Tim said "I'm really pleased, quite chuffed actually, this is the biggest prize of my career so far, after all I've bugger all chance winning a major so I may as well just stay at home and have a nice, hot bath."

Saturday, September 11, 2004

In Yet Another Part Of Wine Country.............

John - "Our red wine is shit, what can we do ?"

Bob -"Scientists predict that the current acceleration of global warming will raise the average temperature in Sussex to that of Bordeaux in about 50 years, whilst at the same time rendering the continents greatest appelations capable of growing nothing better than table grapes and sultanas. So just wait."

John -"Result Bob! But in the meanwhile I've been trying to flog it to the tourists...............but even they won't drink it"

Enter line of dancing Arsenal fans singing "We are the Premiership Cru."

Sunday, September 05, 2004

In Another Part of Wine Country............

Beau - "Oy mate, our new wine is shit, what can we do ?"

Jolais - "In Bordeaux, my cousin prunes the vines, thins the grapes if there are too many and then picks only the ripest grapes, discarding all inferior ones, the grapes are gently crushed and the liquor is allowed to stand on the lees.

Then, the liquid is placed into oak barrels, some new, some old, they are carried into his cellars and left there for a year or more, all the time the temperature and humidity in his cellars is recorded and adjusted if need be. The wines are continually tasted, and when he judges that they have reached their peak, they are carefully blended to create the chateau's premier cru vintage wine.

Then, the wine is carefully decanted into bottles and allowed to age in another part of the cellar for another year or two, a label is placed on the bottle with a picture of the chateau, lovingly hand drawn, then he releases the wine to his most carefully selected and trusted negociants."

Beau looks horrified - "But if we spend all our time doing this, how will we find time to spend on our typical French pursuits, like petanque, or going on strike, or dreaming up ways to cheat the EU out of vast agricultural subsidies ?"

Jolais - "Beau my friend, you are correct, let us just pour it into a secondhand Burgundy bottle, paint a flower on it, and sell it to the tourists......"

Together - "They'll drink any old crap!"

Beau - "And we'll still have time to set fire to a lorry load of British lambs before supper."

Friday, September 03, 2004

I've just joined, it looks like a good laugh for bookish types, I'm releasing my first book into the wild on Saturday morning, run free little book, run.
It's not just my staff then............

(From a letter to the Times)

"Being on a gluten free diet is difficult enough, but you imagine in top class restaurants they'd know about allergies.

Imagine my shock when at Marco Pierre White's Quo Vadis, the maitre d' on being told that I was a celiac and allergic to flour removed the vase of carnations from my table, apologising profusely."