Wednesday, March 31, 2004

"And Jesus said unto John: 'Come forth, I will give you eternal life!'. Unfortunately, John came fifth... he won a toaster." From
Tetragemetic Chimerism.
So chefling has resigned, and yet again I'm having to splash out a couple of hundred quid (at least) to advertise for a new one.

Welcome to Fight Club, the rules of cheffery are................

You must be hard as nails, tough as old boots, 16 hour shifts with barely enough time to go for a piss, standard day.

You'll work Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Eve until three in the bloody morning and then some back for lunch shift on New Years Day, and every bank holiday.

Every Friday night, while your mates are down the pub necking pints and on the pull, you'll be head down over the stove, with forty covers wanting food and twenty more to come, with your homicidal/psychopathic/schizophrenic head chef abusing your haircut/accent/parentage/skin colour/sexual preferences, and especially giving you grief over that "DOGS VOMIT YOU CALL A VELOUTE, I WOULDN'T SERVE IT TO MAN U FANS, DO IT AGAIN SCUMBAG, IN TWO MINUTES" .
(Note, any answer other than a swift "Yes chef" earns you a second, louder bollocking, and then you'll only have one minute to do the sauce.)

You will burn yourself, and cut yourself, often. If you wear t-shirts in public people will stare and think you are a self harmer, other chefs will recognise the patterns of lateral burns on the inside of your forearms, it's like a secret society tattoo. Floor standing ovens, they're a bitch.

We don't do workers rights, fixed home time, unions, breaktimes, lunch hour, shop stewards, jobsworths and as for contracts ? I've heard they have them in other industries.

What are the benefits then ? I'm buggered if I know. I must love food.

Furthermore, there are some specifics that apply to my kitchen.

1) You must be able to converse in more than monosyllabic grunts, we will spend at least 40 hours a week together, I'm interested in cricket, politics, current affairs, music, wine, nature, football, sf/f, d&d, all sorts of things, the ability to hold a conversation would be good.

2) I play music, and sing badly, a lot. My music ranges from AC/DC through Led Zepplin and Megadeth to ZZ Top, if you don't like guitars, tough, we do not do dance muzak.

3) You must at least understand cricket, even if you don't love it. If I get stuck in a meeting for an hour, come back and ask the score and you look blank and say "Err, two nil ?", I will not be impressed.

So that's it then, poor wages, dreadful working conditions, evil ogre of a chef, I'm hiring.

What fun! I haven't made bread for ages, this is a large lump of ciabatta dough pressed out and relaxing.

The finished products, in a variety of sizes, and before you ask for recipes, it was one of those little blue packet reaady mixes from the supermarket. This however, is all my own work, last nights supper..................

Risotto with Pancetta and Parmesan, stir fry of Mushrooms and Pak Choi.
Apparently if you search google for Lewry Pedophile, I am no.1, sorry about that Fraser.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Pigeon Breasts with Madeira, Cream and Mushrooms.

(A recipe request from The Village Pump)

Skin the breasts, mix a handful of plain flour with a good pinch of salt, same of pepper and half a teaspoon of English mustard powder, roll the pigeon in this prior to cooking.

Fry the breasts in clarified butter with a little oil, I got them slightly crisp on the outside, oozing with blood in the middle, but cook to your preference.

For the sauce........

1/4 pint Demi-glace
1/4 pint whipping cream
good splash of Madeira
6 sliced button mushrooms
handful dried ceps

Warm the Madeira, soak the dried mushrooms in the booze. Sautee the button mushrooms, add to the Madeira, add the demi-glace and bring to the boil, reduce by about a third, add the cream and then reduce until you have reached a coating consistency.
Further news of the genius levels of IQ found amongst the Yorkshire Soul readership, Penny took the test and got a mighty respectable 127, but we all bow down to that paragon of knowledge, the mighty mental bastion that is Malcolm R...................142

Malcolm R 142
Dr. P 138
P 136
Pete 135
Y Soul 135
JR 131
Penny Farthing 127

"Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. " - This is what they said about Malcolm, sadly, it's also what they said about me, and Plato is revolving in his coffin at the thought of being compared to a man who writes 'Tits and Tats' quizzes.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Week 6 Answers

There will be a new rule for next weeks quiz, details to follow...........

1) Two current European Tour golfers have fathers who have been Captains of Ilkley Golf Club, a point each for the golfers, a point each for their fathers.

Colin Montgomerie, JD Montgomerie
James Hepworth, John Hepworth

2) Which South Park character was based on a Goon Show character, name both and explain why ?

Kenny ("Oh my God they killed Kenny") and Bluebottle ("You deaded me"), they nearly always get killed during the show and appear alive again in the next episode.

3) Which concept album tells the story of a drug addicted, high school drop out hired as a hit man to 'cleanse' society of lying politicians and hypocritical priests ?

Operation Mindcrime - Queensryche

4) In 'The Chronicles Of Thomas Covenant', what is the crime the leper Thomas commits as almost his first action in the new world ?

Thomas rapes the young girl who has offered him help.

5) Earl Of Wilmington
Henry Pelham
Duke of Devonshire
Earl of Bute

What are the next two names in this sequence ?

These are British Prime Ministers, the Earl of Wilmington was the 2nd, Pelham 3rd, Devonshire 5th and Bute 7th, all prime numbers so the next two answers are...

Lord North (Frederick North) 11th
Earl of Shelbourne (William Petty-Fitzmaurice) 13th

6) When Mikail Baryshnikov defected, which ballet company did he leave, and which one promptly employed him ?

Kirov Ballet - American Ballet Theatre

7) When will we next be able to see the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 ?

Ah, the trick question, this comet was first sighted in 1993, but after losing control at the tight corner near Saturn, it crashed into Jupiter the following year. No jokes about it landing up Uranus please.

8) What are the Bedford Levels ? The drained, peat section of the Fens.

9) What did Leonard Nimoy sell before he donned Spock's pointy ears ?

An assortment of things, vacuum cleaners gets you a point though.

10) Who wrote the music for the USA's national anthem ?

An Englishman, John Stafford Smith, wrote the tune as an anthem for his London social club.

There were 17 points on offer this week, and you got................

Malcolm R 15
JR 15
Dr. P 14
Jo 9
Penny F 7

The League : Week 6

1) Dr. P 76
2) JR 74
3) Malcolm R 72
4) Kennamatic Dave 38
5) EvilBarSteward 23
6) Chay 13
7) DSP Andy 11
8) Penny Farthing 11
9) CountingSheep Jo 9

New rule as from the next quiz, if I have asked for one, two, three or any number of answers, you must only provide that number of answers, and not a dictionary like list of possibles in the hope of hitting the correct ones, cheers folks.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

"Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself. It struch him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan. "

A nice little poem by Halaire Belloc, and so true. I'm not a wealthy man but I don't try to put honest carpenters, sparkies and painters out of work by doing DIY, so don't you lot put chefs on the dole by cooking at home, get yourselves out to a restaurant.

(Found via a link from Jim's new One Eyed Man.
Dinner last night............

Salad of rocket with pancetta and a warm poached egg.

Seared Wood Pigeon breasts with Madeira, cream and wild mushrooms.

Panacotta style set vanilla and coffee cream with cantuccini biscuits, and rather tasty as you can see.
On the course at the moment we have a schizophrenic pheasant, he has two distinct modes of operation..........

1) The Lord of the course strut, a slow and stately stride, proclaiming for all to see that the 18th fairway is indeed his sovereign territory.

2) A cross between Road Runner and Daffy Duck, whoosh, zoom, run, squawk, scream, look at me ! Banana's ! Banana's ! Whoo ! Whoo !
Following on from yesterdays pill popping post, if you were going to top yourself, what music would you do it to ?

Personally, Pink Floyd or Marillion. Mrs YS hates Lynyrd Skynyrd, and always says that Freebird is a wrist slashing song, strange, I've always found it a happy and uplifting track.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Ellie at Eureka! last week.
Some time Yorkshire Soul it-girl Avril Lavigne has been having a public spat with fellow teeny starlet Hilary Duff. Never one to miss a passing bandwagon, I am now pleased to announce that Yorkshire Soul will accept pictures of Hilary Duff in the buff.

Avril Lavigne, naked or nor not, you just can't tell from this photo.

Hilary Duff also not naked.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Supermarkets will now only sell you only packet of painkillers at a time, and then only 16 tablets. So when I wheel my trolley up, filled with gin, a Coldplay CD, paracetamol, a bread knife, two bags of peanuts and a stout length of washing line, it's the tablets that get pulled.

"Can't have you killing yourself," the checkout girl laughs.

"Actually, I'm going to trigger anaphylactic shock with the peanuts, swallow a pint of gin, slash my wrists and jump off a chair with the washing line tied to the roof beam, but I'm not doing it until Sunday and I've got a bad back SO CAN I HAVE MY FUCKING TABLETS BACK PLEASE ?"

Of course, this measure has prevented all suicides in Nether Winterbottom, where Mrs Wiggins runs the village's only shop and has a memory like an elephant, where there is no rail or bus service, no taxis, and the only way to get into town is on the back of a flatbed with six sheep and twenty-three pissed up young farmers, and that's only every other Thursday.

Everywhere else, would be suicides just buy one pack of aspirin at each of Tesco's 37 identical check outs.

**Late breaking news, I am informed that Mrs Wiggins has alzheimers, and now rings everything in to the till as catfood, potential pill poppers of Winterbottom rejoice!!**
I feel I must apologise to the staff and customers of Tesco's Ilkley branch after an incident at the tills this evening.

I was already having a bad day, no chefling again, when the check out boy took an unfeasibly long time in processing my last few items, the light above the till was flashing, my vino was being held up, a supervisor was approaching.

"ALCOHOL," called out the boy.


Silence, of the stunned shopper, baffled shop staff and possibility of pins dropping type, into which the boy spoke........"Actually it's because I'm 17 so my supervisor has to be here when I sell alcohol."

"Of course," I muttered. Exit Y Soul, red faced, stage left.

You can't argue with that.
JR posted a great little IQ quiz in last weeks comments, you can find it here, a few of the regulars have taken it and the results are...........

Dr. P 138 (No surprise there then!)
P 136
Pete 135
Y Soul 135
JR 131

I always thought I attracted a very superior class of reader. To really puff up your ego, compare your IQ to some real bone-fide genii, I might be bright, but I still had to reach for the dictionary to find the plural for genius, previously I thought Genii were elemental crossbreeds from Dungeons&Dragons, ho hum.

Further IQ stuff, click here to find your nation's average IQ, and reel in horror when you find you're dumber than the Dutch, but at least you're brighter than the French.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

JR! If you want to criticize spelling and grammar, help yourself.
We have a new male blackbird at the feeding table this week, our resident male, White-Eye won't be happy when he catches him, feathers may fly. If you want some real violence though, look out for the Robins.

Our current regulars are...........

White-Eye and his Mrs
New boy blackbird
2-3 Blue Tits
2 Coal Tits
The Jay
A Thrush
2-3 Robins, rough little aggressive buggers they are
Some Dunnocks, I don't know how many, they all look the same
Wrens, possibly two
Magpies, the neighborhoods rough boys, about five of them
The Jackdaw Clan who arrive mob handed fifteen at a time and hoover the bird table clear of food

Across the course we see Mallards, a Heron or two, the usual motley collection of Gulls, and, at the moment, loads of Pheasants who have escaped the local shoot.
The first rule of fight club is..................

Well, it's not the 1st Rule Of Catering, but you know when the phone rings early in the morning, and it's a staff member on the line, they're not calling for a quick natter about the price of oranges. Invariably, when the staff phone you, it's to say they're not coming to work, bugger.

At least I've got them well trained enough to call in sick early though, there's nothing worse than someone not coming in to work, and calling in sick an hour or two after they were supposed to arrive. This is a particular problem for small firms like mine, when 2nd chef doesn't arrive, that leaves a brigade

Thus I'm writing the blog at night. Anyway, well done to captain Michael Vaughan and the boys for creating cricketing history for England by going 2-0 up in a series in the Windies.

England therefore retain the Wisden Trophy with two matches to go in the Caribbean. The Windies look to be in disarray, now without a manager, and a very out of form captain who said today "We don't need to press the panic button, yet." Not the most positive statement he could have made.

I'll tell you what though Brian, you might have to press that button if Vaughan and Trescothick find some form. On to Barbados then.

Tiny glimmer of hope ? For weeks, I have been resigned to the fact that Leeds United would spend the next season in the 1st Division, but last nights victory against Man city, who last week managed to slaughter the scum, has lifted us off the bottom of the table, and put the team within a few points of safety.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I can't claim any credit for the nice flowers I have been posting, they all grow around the clubhouse and are cared for by our gardener, John.
Pain : 5

The Company attacked the Flames Of Kossuth Warehouse, encountering a scattering of guards, plus a high level Mage/Fighter and his rogue consort. Although outgunned by the Company, the Red Redemptionists fought with cunning, the rogue targeting Callran the mage to try and knock out some of the Company's spellcasting, and Isis the monk was killed by a Finger Of Death from the mage.

Nevertheless, they killed all in their way, located the next white gate, and placed a cinder gem from the Gemsword in it.

Isis was resurrected back at base camp, and after rest and healing, they set out to assault the Temple Of Kossuth. Thinking that the chaotic Kossuthian priests and their Red Redemption followers would all be out drinking, drug abusing, and generally getting up to whatever seriously evil people do on a night off, they sneaked into the temple through a window...............

.................only to find a Red Redemtionist masking ceremony in progress, an epic battle ensued. Sibornal launched a horizontal Blade Barrier, a spinning disk of tens of thousands of sharp blades that separated many of the evil ones from vital bits of their anatomy, this was followed by Ice Storms from the mages and powerful Dwarven magics from Beltain, the priest of Dorn Blackhammer.

The fight raged on, well it did around the edges of the room anyway, no-one was going anywhere near Sibornal's prototype food blender, as the RR's dropped like flies they summoned a Living Holocaust to consume the good guys, but, well protected by defensive magics, they sent the evil flame creature back through the gate it had appeared from.

When the battle ended, it had taken 42 seconds in game time, at J+C's house, it took us all evening to dispatch the 23 assorted evil fighters and clerics, but they still don't know where the next gate is.
2nd test, Day 3. After knocking over the Windies on a rainy day 2, England got off to a frightening start losing their top two for the same number of runs, disaster looming ? Not quite.

Enter the obdurate Nasser Hussain and Mark Butcher. Nasser dropped anchor and scored about one run every four overs (or so it seemed) making Butcher's slow progress seem breezy by comparison, but they did the job and gradually batted England back into the game.

Graham Thorpe showed a return to form and ended the day 81 no, with contributions from Flintoff and Giles, England ended the day in the driving seat, almost 100 runs ahead on 1st innings.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

2nd Test, and despite a solid start from Gayle and Smith, it was all downhill for the home side after lunch, Harmison again ripping out the top order, and from a very promising 100-0 the Windies collapsed to a very average 189-8, first day to England then.

I'm still wondering about Brian Lara's (as in Brian Lara nil) comments before the series started, perhaps he meant he wanted to score 380 in total, at this rate he'll have to add on his one day scores as well.
More Belleisms.........

Ey up like, tha’s only wun belle, tha’s me, reet.
Posted by "Yorkshire Soul"

I am Bell-end de Jour
Posted by "Viz"

If all these phony Belles de Jour were laid from end to end I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
Posted by "Dorothy Parker"

I know who the reall bell is!
Posted by "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 2 : Week 6

Sorry about the delay, rules as always, e-mail the answers to if you want to join in, answers on/by Friday 26th March please, no spoilers please folks.

1) Two current European Tour golfers have fathers who have been Captains of Ilkley Golf Club, a point each for the golfers, a point each for their fathers.

2) Which South Park character was based on a Goon Show character, name both and explain why ?

3) Which concept album tells the story of a drug addicted, high school drop out hired as a hit man to 'cleanse' society of lying politicians and hypocritical priests ?

4) In 'The Chronicles Of Thomas Covenant', what is the crime the leper Thomas commits as almost his first action in the new world ?

5) Earl Of Wilmington
Henry Pelham
Duke of Devonshire
Earl of Bute

What are the next two names in this sequence ?

6) When Mikail Baryshnikov defected, which ballet company did he leave, and which one promptly employed him ?

7) When will we next be able to see the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 ?

8) What are the Bedford Levels ?

9) What did Leonard Nimoy sell before he donned Spock's pointy ears ?

10) Who wrote the music for the USA's national anthem ?
Book Review, Kil'n People - David Brin *****

"Al Morris is a private investigator. Actually, he's lots of private investigators."

Al lives in a future where every home has a kiln in the kitchen, ready to bake copies of you to go out out and live life on your behalf. No one really enjoys going to the office, send a gray ditto instead, you have a construction job ? Send a green ditto, it should handle the manual stuff. Need some specialist research doing ? Bake an ebony.

Each ditto lives for a day, at the end of which it collapses slowly into a pool of organic sludge, but before the ditto decomposes, you can upload it's memories of the day back into your own head.

Nobody really works anymore, except Al, he likes the hands on approach from time to time, but he still uses dittos for the everyday stuff, and the dangerous stuff.

Al is hunting for Beta, a master criminal who makes illegal dittos of famous people for nefarious purposes. After many close calls, Al believes he is closing in on him. At the same time he is hired to investigate the death of the head scientist of the global company that makes the ditto blanks.

Al makes some ditto's, two grays to undertake some routine investigations, an ebony to stay home and do some paperwork, and a green to take care of the shopping and mow the lawn. There's another ditto in the house, Al's girlfriend is away, so she left him a pearl ditto in the fridge, just in case he gets lonely/horny.

For the rest of the novel the action swaps back and forth between RealAl and his copies and Brin lets his imagination run riot with freaky ditto wars, even freakier ditto sex clubs, and a memorable scene involving a bomb and a dinosaurs arse.

Later in the novel Brin uses the advent of clone replicating technology, dittos able to copy themselves, to examine the question of the soul, and where it resides.

David Brin writes to a consistently high quality, The Practice Effect, The Uplift War, Earth, Glory Season, all have been intelligent and stimulating reads, he is also able to inject a little basic humour into his characters and that sets him apart from many sf writers. Kil'n People is a doorstep of a book, but at around 600 pages, still a good inch smaller than Earth. It is entertaining, but at at the same time uses the story to ask some salient questions about the meaning of life.

Friday, March 19, 2004

So Belle de Jour has been 'outed', supposedly, by the Times. To find out who the Belle really is go to I Am Belle Due Jour.

I am, and so is my wife.
Posted by "Snigely McTavish"

Actually I’m Belle de Jour. Except when I’m Tiger Woods.
Posted by "Postman Pat"

The bleach-job fooled you all
Posted by "Anne Widdecombe"

Ring-a-ding ding, it’s me, it’s true.
Posted by "Belle de Door"

Could you do with more? Need to keep it up longer while its bigger and better? Contact us on we can help!What do you mean you’re a woman?
Posted by "Spam de Jour"

She’s not Belle de Jour - she’s a very naughty girl.
Posted by "Ma de Jour"

Will the real Belle do Jour, please stand up. Please stand up. Please stand up.
Posted by "Eminem"

First rule of Belle de Jour is you do not talk about Belle de Jour. The second rule of Belle de Jour is that you do NOT talk about Belle de Jour…
Posted by "Club-de-Jour"

me am she.
Posted by "Lim Zim Tim Bim Boodlam Boodlam Boodlam F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit-barrel Bus-stop Walrus-titty"

Borrowed from Gromblog, this article about the Nasa Sub-Vocaliser will ring a bell with anyone who has read Kil'n People by the very wonderful David Brin.
Wine Review, Luis Felipe Edwards Cabernet Reserva 2001 ****

'A major bang for your buck' as I read on one American wine review site. What I think our Yankee comrade is trying to get across is that this Cabernet is a big, fruit filled, very direct wine. It is very accessible and open but backed up with enough tannin and acidity to make it interesting.

A lovely dark purple colour in the glass, good on the nose, immediate, open flavour on tasting, blackcurrants/cassis and a hint of spice, long lasting and full in the mouth.

Bought from Tesco, usually £7.99, but on offer at £5.99 at the moment, it's well worth sticking a few in the cellar/under the stairs.

Luis Philipe Edwards Page
Book review, Gardens Of The Moon - Steven Erikson ****

The problem with really good fantasy writing is.........that there isn't any. Well, hardly any. The real problem with fantasy is that the best ever fantasy novel came first, and all other writers have been trying to live up to Lord Of The Rings ever since. That said, Steven Erikson makes a good effort with his debut novel.

Gardens Of The Moon takes place during the Malazan campaign to occupy Genabackis. I would like to write a brief synopsis of the plot, but whereas many authors concentrate on a handful of major characters, Erikson has a dramatis personae that runs to five pages. Any character may play a major part further on in the novel, or may die a bloody and messy death on the next page.

Hurrah, Erikson has no qualms about killing characters, adding a nice touch of realism to his work. His writing is compact, there is description and dialogue here, but nothing extraneous to the plot, or plots, of which there are many.

Magic in Eriksons world is ever present, and can be devastating, but is just as often in a cold war state of play, with powerful mages afraid to unleash their magicks lest they become weakened in the effort and other mages take advantage.

Eriksons world is well thought out, and very believable, it has a gritty, dangerous, realism which sets his work apart from most other current fantasy authors. His characters are much the same, they don't charge a thousand opponents shouting "For the honour of ", no, they hide round corners and stab people in the back, or they look at the oncoming demon/dragon/undead and think, "I'm not fighting that."

Gardens Of The Moon seems very much a novel set in an ongoing fantasy world, the story starts amidst a military campaign that is already well advanced, and when the book ends some 720 pages later, the invasion that has been the background to the story is still gong on. It isn't a happily ever after conclusion either, although most of the major characters escape with their lives, some escape only to face the prospect of joining a rebellion against their former masters and the prospect of further hardship and bloodshed.

Erikson displays a marvelous level of inventiveness throughout the novel, I particularly enjoyed Hairlock the mage, soon to be Hairlock the insane mannequin, the three thousand years dead T'lass Iman warrior Onos T'oolan, the warren powered magic system, and the fight at the masked party, long drawn out sword fest ? Not for Erikson.

Gardens Of The Moon is a complex, real feeling fantasy, awash with good ideas and interesting characters, I'm looking forward to the next installment already.
Now listen here you lot, loose lips sink ships. The readership is being joined today by no less an august personage than the Lady President of Ilkley Golf Club herself, welcome ma'am.

I trust all the regualrs will behave themselves, at the moment Lady Pres thinks I'm nothing more than a cook with questionable taste in music.

If you want, point out to her my well thought out and intelligent articles on child pornography, the fall of Srebrenica, the state of modern cricket, or fine wines of the 90's.

I'm sure you'll agree though, she doesn't need to know about Tits and Tats, Norway's Famous Burning Mountain Huts, Angela Jolie's Cat, or indeed, Naked Teenage Lesbian Pop Singers.
Succinct...............terse, concise, briefly expressed. This is for the benefit of the Blogger spell checker which does not recognise succinct as a real word, and also insists on using lazy American spellings for words in the English language.

**Instant Blogger spellchecker update, it didn't recognise terse either, hahahaha**
"Bastards, Vote ETA." A comment too succinct for the readership I fear. In the immediate aftermath of the carnage in Madrid this week, as the bodies of sons, daughters, husbands and wives, parents and siblings were being cleared from Atocha station, I wrote that three word piece.

At the time it was assumed that the Basque liberation movement ETA had planted the bombs, and as the time chosen was the penultimate day of campaigning in the Spanish general election it appeared they were trying to swing the voting with massive violence.

I am aware that you can't actually vote for ETA, their political wing is called Batasuna, and has been banned from elections until 2005 if I remember correctly, the three word critique was supposed to be ironic/sarcastic, failed on both counts apparently.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

There's fire on the hills, a controlled burn of bracken and heather on the moors towards Addingham.
A swift note about the budget..................BASTARD!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Two bowlers have, in the past week, reached the magic score of 500 wickets taken in their test match careers. The man at the top of the list, Courtney Walsh, is a paragon of the game, a hard player respected by everyone in cricket, further down the list you have the likes of Kapil Dev, Sir Richard Hadlee, Ian Botham, Wasim Akram and Glenn McGrath, all honourable stalwarts of the game.

The two men now ranked as the number 2 and 3 players of all time are respectively, a drugs cheat, and a man who most of the cricketing world regards with some disquiet because of his bowling action. His bowling action aside, Muri is otherwise a decent enough player, Warne on the other hand...............

Well, where to start, the betting allegations, were Australian wickets really thrown at particular points during games to allow huge wins on spread bets ? I suspect we shall never really know, the Australian cricket authorities also responded quickly, and with a big broom and carpet, when it was revealed that Warne (and Waugh) had received money for, ahem, no laughing at the back there, for 'weather reports', right.

Warne and Waugh both studied meteorology and greenkeeping at university and were therefore well placed to give weather and pitch reports to dodgy backstreet bookies, not.

It's a sad day when these two have become the creme de la creme of modern cricket.

On a happier note, India vs. Pakistan, I'm not the biggest fan of ODI matches, I far prefer the 5 day game, but these two national sides have so far produced two of the best one day matches I have ever seen, well done both teams.

Monday, March 15, 2004

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz : Week 5 Answers

Look to last Monday's posts to see the pictures.

1) Stephen King

2) Nathan Hale

3) A-10-A Thunderbolt (I've accepted Warthog, and after some pondering, Tankbuster)

4) Hudson's Bay Company, the Canadian Government

5) That's the Graf Spee running from HMS Ajax, Achilles and Exeter, entering Montevideo

6) Charles II, Algernon Sidney, Lord Russel

7) P51 Mustang

8) Hmm, everyone got the same answer, which wasn't the one I was really looking for, you can all have a point, but note, a Cadaceus is a heralds wand, it was carried by the heralds to denote their special status, Hermes and Mercury both carried one.

9) Beyonce Knowles

10) So that Atlas would then be free to fetch the apples of Hespiredes.

The quiz was obviously far too easy.................from a total of 17 points then..........

JR 17
Malcolm R 17
Dr. P 15
Evilbarsteward 15
Kennamatic 8

The League : Week 5

1) Dr. P 62
2) JR 59
3) Malcolm R 57
4) Kennamatic Dave 38
5) EvilBarSteward 23
6) Chay 13
7) DSP Andy 11
8) Penny Farthing 4

I have not written a quiz yet for this week, I will try to post one on Tuesday morning.
Dorna's Not Singing Anymore

The mighty England romp home by 10 wickets in the 1st test as the West Indies are dismissed for their lowest ever test score. Steve Harmison showed the Windies fast boys how it should be done with an incredible 7-12 in the 2nd innings.

If, like me, you'd popped out to make a cup of tea when the Windies started batting, and therefore missed their entire innings, don't worry, Sky Sports will be playing the innings back to back all day today to make up for the missing final day.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Day three, we're ahead, but only just, and due in the most part to some dismal bowling by the Windies, just how many extras have they let go ? If there is any more rain, it's looking like a draw already.

I'll do the quiz answers on Monday morning, I'm off to spend the day at Eureka! with Mrs YS, Squirt, Brother in law mk.1, and the Godchildren, a wahey is in order I think.

Then off to P&C's tonight for a spot of hack and slay, and to teach JR how to use his answerphone.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

There's a name for it, either searching Google images so as to only get a single hit, or as in this case, to produce one pron image amongst the rest of the page, NSFW.
Good day today, I'm interviewing for new waiting staff, here are the hopefuls...........

Here are the current waitresses going on their lunch break............

We're running out of starters, Katie, go and fetch two more melons...........

Rain ? In the Windies ? It's just like being back in Blighty. Honours are still even at the end of the second day, although 12 year old uberbowler Fidel Edwards has taken the top three batsmen, the rest of the Windies bowlers don't seem to be causing many problems.

Englands scoring rate was slow, and Nasser looked uncomfortable at the start of his innings, then again, I can't remember the last time Hussain looked comfortable with the bat.

Friday, March 12, 2004

He chucks the ball, there's no doubt about it, all those wickets tumbling down on an otherwise good batting pitch, just look at the angle of the mans arm, Muri ? No, Shane Warne.

All those Ozzies who were whining about Muri's haul of wickets in the first innings have been conpicous by their silence since fat boy took 10.

Meanwhile, over in the Windies, it's all square between Dorna and YSoul at the end of the first day, bring on Michael Vaughan. So much for Lara's avowed tactic of beating Hayden's 380, still, another four tests to go, he'll have to defend better than he has done though.
We obviously need some cheering up today, so here's a pic of prize twat Fred Durst getting hit with a cream pie (shame it didn't have rocks in).

It's snowing, although it isn't settling on the roads yet it looks to be deep enough on the golf course to prevent play today, and possibly halt tomorrows medal competition. That will make 19 closed days already this year, compared to last year when we lost only two days in winter and one evening in the summer when we had torrential rain.

My VAT demand dropped through the door yesterday, well I won't be paying much VAT this quarter as I'm not making any money, moan, whinge.

Vote ETA.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

We went to the footy last week, to watch the big guns of the Burley Trojans (reserves) facing up to division leaders Horsforth. The Trogs went ahead early in the first half as some comedy goalkeeping allowed our nippy striker in the score. "Keepers!" bellowed the keeper, as the ball bounced over his head and through his hands.

A lucky goal, but could we hang on ? No, towards the end of the first half their striker, Gobshite I think he was called, a man who was so piss poor even Sheffield Wednesday sacked him, squeezed past the Trojans defence (honestly, danced through them leaving several layers looking like statues) and equalised.

All through the game Burley keeper Fenners sparkled, as Horsforth pressed forwards and peppered the Trojans goal he kept shot after shot out of the net.

Into the second half big Jamie Davey got booked for an innocuous push, which seemed unfair as he should have been booked for telling the referee to fuck off, the opposing players to fuck off, a man walking his dog to fuck off................

Oh no! After some pressure, and some more fine goalkeeping, Horsforth take a 2-1 lead, and despite some late pressure from the Trojans, win the match.

The svelte and athletic Jamie Davey glides past a Horsforth midfielder whilst to the right, winger (and brother in law mk.2) Andy Wheeler and two Horsforth players get in some line dancing practice.

Football hooligan, look at the hatred writ large upon brother in law mk.2's face, look at the way he's kicking that man in the nads after he's gone down, look at Jonathon "Chopper" Clarkson performing the Horsforth two step and thinking "He can't do that, that's my job."
Seen written in the dirt on the rear of a BT repair van..........

"Sorry, van washing centre relocated to India"

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

A reader writes, and moans. Why oh why oh I sometimes write well thought out, thought provoking articles and then put pictures of naked celebs on the same blog?

Well, this is what I'm like, things interest me, whether it's the ongoing political situation in Zimbabwe, the growing of GM maize in the UK, Kylie Minogue's tits or amusing photo's of 34 South African blokes in one pick up truck.

I don't have the determination, patience or attention span to produce a pure politics blog, or a news blog, or a wine blog, so everything just gets stuffed in to Yorkshire Soul, sorry if you don't like it.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Child porn and the death of innocence

Betsy Schneider's display of photographs of her daughter, some of which show the young girl naked at ages 0, 2 and 5, have been removed from the Spitz Gallery, London, at the insistence of the public and the advice of the police.

Last nights late night chat on R5ive with Matthew Bannister asked are we destroying the youthful innocence of our children, I would say it is even worse than that, we are destroying our own ideal of the innocence of youth.

In a court case in the UK about three years ago, an over zealous one hour photo worker discovered, shock horror, pictures of naked children. The naked toddlers were the children of a minor celebrity, the incident quickly became a media feeding frenzy. Early on in the reporting you could have been forgiven for thinking that the celeb in question was the head of a major pedophile porn network rather than a loving parent reveling in their offsprings first few years.

Imagine today,that I had visited an avant garde art gallery. I study images of dead people, killed in accidents, murders or by illness (as in Death, presented at the NMFP a few years ago), that's ok, it's art, of a sort. I study images of naked women, or men, or both, that's ok, Man Ray, Helmut Newton, go on, you can name a dozen.

I move on to a photograph of anaked, smiling, five year old, what do I do ? Move on, don't linger, mumble "It's disgusting" to the next people in line, because I'm wracked with guilt and fear. Guilt, hey, I'm enjoying pictures of naked children, there must be something wrong with me. Fear, those people can see me enjoying pictures of naked children, they know there's something wrong with me.

My sister's children, my friend's children, they're all at that age when being naked is as natural as being clothed, if they grow up as we did they'll have enough body image issues to deal with as teenagers without teaching them that there is something unnatural with being undressed at their age.

Children imprint from us, they learn from us, especially when we are not consciously teaching them. Our obsession, the media obsession with child porn, child murder, pedophile sex rings, it is fuelling our fears, stoking them, transmitting them to our offspring.

If you let your eight year old out to play in the park, he is about as likely to be abducted by a pedophile today as he would have been a hundred years ago, but we are all so much more aware of the threat, more than aware, we seem, as a nation, to be frightened, obsessed by the kiddy sex pervert crouching behind a bush in every children's playground.

I don't think we can go back, and that is a shame. How long will it be until someone declares that the comedy peeing scene from "3 Men And A Baby" is actually "kiddy golden shower perversion", how long until we can't laugh at our friends naked toddler stumbling around the garden and instead say, "For shame, cover her up."

We have allowed the media to stray too far along a road that was paved with good intentions, the end of the road isn't hell though, it's just a place a little less pleasant to live than it once was.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Michael Vaughan last week, made a century in his first tour match, won't count as a 1st class match as it was 12 a side, doesn't that make his achievement all the more impressive ?
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz, Series 2 : Week 5

1) Who is this ?

2) Who is reputed to have said "I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country" shortly before being hanged ?

3) What sort of aircraft is this ?

4) What was the name of the company given a Royal Charter to trade in furs in Rupert's Land in 1670, and who purchased Rupert's Land in 1870 ?

5) Here is a large ship entering harbour, who is she ? Which harbour is it ? What are the 3 vessels she is running from ?

6) Who was the target of the Rye House Plot, and who was executed upon its failure ?

7) What sort of aircraft is this ?

8) What is a Cadaceus ?

9) Who is this ?

10) Why did Heracles agree to hold up the heavens ?

Rules, e-mail the answers to, on or before Saturday 13th, I'll try to post the answers and league on Sunday/Monday. Apologies for last weeks quiz, I didn't receive at least two sets of answers, sorry folks they just didn't arrive in my inbox, blame hotmail.
Pain : 4

The Company found some usable robes in the temple of Tyr to disguise themselves as followers of the water goddess Ishtia, they also returned to base with the bones of the high priest, Oyvind Uberg, and successfully revived him.

Oyvind and Ashia were able to provide rumours that the Red Redemptionists had found an artifact of power and were studying it, our heroes set off, they cunningly tricked their way into the Pride Of Pain Festhall, launched an attack, killed a high ranking priest of Kossuth, an Uruk-Hai warlord and assorted RR's and found the artifact.

A black gate that radiates a palpable aura of evil, it was being studied by three scribes, further questioning revealed the Black Gate might be linked to six White Gates scattered throughout the city, after finding the known and rumoured location of the gates they set off to the first known location, the Redemption Brewery.

All was going well, they sneaked into the brewery, rogue turned assassin Psyche returned dripping with (someone else's) blood from a scouting mission to proclaim, "There's nobody (alive) in there."

Then they found the White Gate in a sealed room, and its guardians, two Effigy's. A desperate and rather panicky fight ensued with the burning undead making good use of their possession and energy draining abilities, with an SR 28 the Effigy's were able to shrug off most magical attacks until the mage Callran managed to trap them in a Wall Of Force.

Saragon removed one of the Cinder Gems from his intelligent Gemsword and unlocked the Gate with it, in a searing pulse of beautific light the undead were burned away.

The Company returned to base and prepared for their next assault, on the Flames of Kossuth warehouse............

Psyche reached 13th lvl Rogue.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Two new blogs on the link list this week, Counting Sheep and It Crossed My Mind, go check them out.
Album Review - Probot, ST *****

Oh no ! It's that man again, the unstoppable Dave Grohl roars in with his latest project, Probot. Taking eleven heavy metal singers from the cream of the 80's thrash/metal wave and producing one song with each one.

It grinds, it crunches, it booms, it doesn't piss about, it is a proper heavy metal album. From the opening track 'Centuries Of Sin' sung by the 'none more black' Cronos, through Max Cavalera's gruntings on 'Red War', via Lemmy, Tom G Warrior and King Diamond, this is a tour de force of the voices that made a decade (and more) of metal.

Each track is done more or less in the style of the singers main band, Lemmy's 'Shake Your Blood' for example is undeniably Motorhead, although I can't help but mumble 'Enter The Church Of The Apocalyptic Lawnmower' to Lee Dorrian's effort 'Ice Cold Man'.

Grohl must have had a hell of a good time making this album, being able to work with his pick of his own musical influences must have been a dream come true, the multi talented Grohl helped to compose all the songs (though the vocalists mostly composed their own lyrics), played all the drums, nearly all the bass parts and most of the guitar too, good going that man.

Any fan of true heavy metal will be more than happy to find shelf space for this intriguing album, it's just a shame that a live appearance by the Probot ensemble would appear to be totally out of question.
Restaurant Review - Carole's Place, Burley *****

Up and coming trendy, bijou dining spot Andy & Carole's was our venue for dining out this week. The restaurant has seen an impressive refit and facelift since the previous owners departed, with a comfortable blend of retro chic tableware and bold modern colours dominating the lounge.

Pre dinner champagne and canapes were served in the lounge before we proceeded to the dining kitchen for the main event, it's always nice to be able to see the chef at work, and although I wouldn't like to work in an open kitchen, chef Carole Newton seems unflappable as she preps up.

The starter was a well balanced, thick and tasty tomato and basil soup with big hunks of baguette, served with a very fine Chateau Lapetterie St Emillion '98. For main course we were presented with fresh baked salmon, layered with goats cheese, served wellington style in pastry, simply presented with stir fried mange tout and minted new potatoes. The salmon was moist and succulent, the pastry buttery, rich and golden, delightful. The main course was enjoyed with a Bestheim Tokay-Pinot Gris.

A sumptuous dessert cake, chocolate topped with crunchy chocolate coated toffee bits and lathered with caramel sauce was served, with another fine Claret, I think, but details are getting a bit hazy by now.

After dinner we retired to the lounge to cheat at Scattergories, and can I just make clear, Super Squirrel is a well known character, and is worth two points, here he is.............

Friday, March 05, 2004

Ah, Paris in the sunshine. I love Paris, I love the grand scale of its architecture, I love its sense of space in the big avenues, the style of its inhabitants, I like the sound of heavily accented English spoken to me by pretty Parisian girls in bars (hey, listen, even 'Please could you pass the salt sounds good'), but most of all, I love the French attitude towards food.

When you've walked around a Parisian market for a while, or taken a stroll through one of the city's premier food halls, you realize what a set of culinary philistines we Brits can be.

We spent an hour or so (and I could happily have remained there half the day) perusing the food halls at Lafayette Gourmet, a vast expanse of upmarket ingredients, ready meals and mini restaurants all under one roof. Now don't get the wrong idea when I say ready meals, for here is not the home of a tired bit of chicken in limp sauce, safely sealed behind plastic and inviting photograph.

This is the home of mounds of freshly prepared salads, thirty different kinds, a dozen different tagines, eat here or take home, the beluga caviar and smoked sturgeon bar, stop by for some fish eggs and a shot of purple vodka, an oyster bar, a tiny fresh fish grill seating about 18, jambons and salamis, cheeses - it doesn't just smell, it reeks, utterly fantastic, fruits, chocolate from around the world, do you prefer your 74% from Ivory Coast, Niger or Gambon, I have no idea what the difference is but one day I'm coming back to try the lot.

One day, if I ever have the time and money to do it, I want to come and live in Paris for a while, shop every day at Lafayette or the open markets, drink pastis and stub out Gitannes on bar floors, read pretentious sounding literature on the banks of the Sienne, and of course, hope that delightful, husky voiced Parisian girls will ask me to pass the pepper as well.
Restaurant Review - Le Manoir Bar Brasserie - Paris ****

Looking for lunch after a tiring morning's shopping in Paris we stopped at one restaurant, we were given menu's, and then studiously ignored for the next 20 minutes, a party of ten had wandered in after Mrs YS and myself, and our waiter, obviously scenting a larger tip, served them first.

So we walked around the corner to Le Manoir, and sat outside in the covered pavement section of the restaurant. Out witty and urbane waiter brought drinks, assured me I was drinking the best wine in the world, and that we were about to eat the best food in Paris.

Oddly though, when I check my bill, it turns out that the wine I had was Santa Digna from Torres, Torres Penedes, if I was drinking the best wine in the world, it was Spanish.

I went for steak and chips, Mrs YS opted for smoked sausage, both meals arrived within minutes, a good sized, charcoal grilled steak for 14euro, a mound of chips, some nice herbed, grilled courgettes and tomato. We weren't being overly posh this time, well, we'd come to see a heavy metal band after all.

After our main course we accepted the waiters recommendation for dessert, individual strawberry mousses with fresh strawberry coulis, lovely, made all the better for being able to sit out in Paris in the sunshine.

Le Manoir is located somewhere close to Lafayette Metro, but I forgot which street.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Gig Review - The Darkness/The Wildhearts - Paris *****

This will teach me to check up on who the support band is, after suffering the downright bloody awful Three Inches Of Blood at the Leeds gig last year (two vocalists, neither one of whom could carry a tune in a bucket), I didn't bother finding out who was supporting The Darkness, thus I arrived two songs into The Wildhearts set, bugger.

Ginger and the boys put on a great show to a polite Parisian crowd who applauded warmly but didn't really get involved, a few songs from the new album, a couple of classics from Earth Vs. and then a stomping version of the grinding, brutal Caprice to finish. Ginger stumbled along in French doing about as well as I would, i.e. sounding as if he had memorized his closing statements that afternoon over a beer.

They had come from the four corners of the nation for this concert, the four corners of the English nation that is, from the rowdy Geordie boys screaming 'Toon Army' every time the Wildhearts finished a song, through the scrum of Brummies and assorted southerners on the steps, to the distraught Tyke at the bar screaming...........

"20 Euros for two whiskys and half a lager, you thieving buggers." Ah, that would be me then, it was shit whisky as well.

In a crescendo of wailing guitars, The Darkness arrive, Justin in his little sisters fancy dress outfit, Dan in favourite Thin Lizzy top and Frankie Poullain (it's his mums birthday today you know), well, Frankie always looks like a 70's porno star on a night out.

They play most of the album, a couple of new tracks, a Thin Lizzy cover (I think), the crowd boils and seethes, at one point a domino effect takes place off to my right and about thirty people end up in a tangled mass on the floor, not good, but no injuries occur, except when some pillock of a crowd surfer lands right on my head, aargh my neck.

Justin asks if there is anyone from England in the crowd tonight, about two thirds wave their hands in the air and unfurl numerous St. George's crosses, is there anyone here from Paris ? Well yes, but they're much quieter and all stood at the back as far as I can tell.

Justin changes from ludicrous costume to ludicrous costume, the rest of the band having to mark time whilst he squeezes himself into something outrageous, but it's all good fun, as Frankie leads the audience in clap along, the crowd spontaneously breaks into "We will, we will, rock you," Justin re-appears laughing, "Stop that at once," he calls, "I know who's doing it and I never forget a face."

Now while Ginger bumbled along in French, Justin is quite the polyglot, sounding just as much a manic Gallic as he does eccentric English, he has the French speaking part of the crowd roaring with delight and enthusiasm.

I'm glad I came, so is Mrs. YS, when Justin gets carried out into the audience on the shoulders of two beefy minders, she got to touch the great mans leg. Jetting to Paris just for a gig is pretty extravagant, but what the hell, you only pass this way once, and despite Elysee Montmatre being the most expensive venue for drinks I have ever been to, it was a great night out, cheers once again boys.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Bollocks to this...............I'm off to Paris.

(In the style of a certain Mr. Lewry)

Hurrah, the boys have landed in the Windies, we're playing our first tour match this afternoon, Michael Vaughan will lead us to victory, and to celebrate, I've posted a pic of two of the things I like best about cricket, erm, NSFW ok.

Hmm, ok Michael, just where do you think that's going ?

This is what we want to see, the world's best batsman, in form, scoring centuries.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz, Week 4 Answers and League

Ok then, 10 points on offer, well doen to those who tried, and in some cases failed, look back to Sun 22nd Jan to see the pictures, the answers were.............

1) Rock Pipit

2) Condoleeza Rice

3) Eland

4) Rt. Hon Oliver Letwin MP

5) Naked Mole Rat (It wasn't an infant, they just look like this)

6) Monarch Butterfly

7) Muntjac Deer

8) Golden Lion Tamarind

9) Coatimundi

10) Jean Pierre Raffrin

Scores this week

JR and Malcolm R tied on 7
Dr. P 6
Kennamatic and Evilbarsteward tied on 1

The League : Week 3

1) Dr. P 47
2) JR 42
3) Malcolm R 40
4) Kennamatic Dave 30
5) Chay 13
6) DSP Andy 11
7) EvilBarSteward 8
8) Penny Farthing 4
9) Mrs YS 3