Friday, February 28, 2003

You will understand if I go in to hiding for a few days after receiving this..................


Dennis has all the big name contacts.
In the true spirit of Viz, here are two friendly young men gazing at a large erection, snigger, chortle, guffaw.
You see, it's not only me that enjoys a good anti-French gag, it's Ned Sherrin as well.
They swear that this is not some kinky sex thing, but a method of promoting the values of Duck brand Duct Tape, but I can't help feeling there's a bit of bondage enjoyment going on there.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

If proof were ever needed that Yorkshiresoul attracts the wrong sort of person, this is it.
Safety hints for using prostitutes. Next time you hire a 'working girl' for a little after hours entertainment here are a few things to check for...
1) Did one of you bring condoms ?
2) Has she brought manacles to handcuff you to the toilet ?
3) Has she brought with her a half gallon petrol can and a box of matches ?
Thanks to Dr P
Here is a man who has studied at the Alex Ferguson (aka The Drunken Tramp) School of Management.Cheers Dr.P

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

I have just checked my hotmail inbox, which is suffering from the usual heap of stuff that YSoul readers sign me up to without my knowledge (i.e. unusual porn sites, online dating agencies and this week we have newsletters from Paris art galleries, thanks guys), to find a Tatu discussion raging. Dr P is threatening not to read my site again unless I, er, well lets just have Dr P explain himself............

"Dear Mr YorkshireSoul,
It has recently come to my attention that you have been spuriously promising your vast (sorry, middle-aged-spreadlike) readership pictures of young dolly songbirds in a state of total undress. I refer of course to the tantalising semiclad teaser pics of Russian pseudolesbians TATU
("tatus? what's tatus preciousssssss?") and the elfin April Ravine. It's got to stop. Seriously. I also object most heartily to any notion that
we, the aforementioned readership, would in any way surf the Internet in a "one handed" manner.

That's a disgraceful slur. Typical of a Yorkshireman. You might have "won" the battles 8-5 but who won the war eh? Eh?
I am now instigating a boycott of your site. There will be marches up and down the Riddermark, not to mention Bacup. The natives will be stirred from their apathetic YorkshireSoul perusing and will strike you down with a fiery vengeance (possibly replacing your fine cuisine with
Royales with Cheese). Nothing will tempt me back to YS for at least the next 24 hours. And that's a promise.

And another thing. If it was Don's Amazing Puzzle, how come Dave wrote it?
Yours in a state of undress,
Dr P"

Regular reader Andy W responds with this............

"Did you know that Tatu is the Paraguayan name for the Armadillo? So whats this 'we are russian' mallarky???? "

Now I'm of the opinion that anyone managing to find a Paraguayan translation for Tatu is not doing enough work, and Dr. P agrees.........

"It's you isn't it, Andy W, you're the one handed surfer!
I knew there was a reason why you weren't mentioned in the Cheryl/YS/Patrick/John/Candice menage a cinq ...

And where's Arwen?
Dr P"

Where is Arwen indeed, you see what you have to put up with running a website, it's not all champagne and hot serving wenches you know.

Too Much, Too Young
This moment was experienced by yours truly, and fuelled by Fairy Liquid, for the uninitiated a Fairy Liquid is a pint of lager with a Blue Bols in it. After far too many green pints we were staggering home from Otley, from the Bay Horse to be specific, it was a cool night and the urgent desire to urinate came upon me.
I leaned against a fence at the road side and let fly, perhaps leaned a little too heavily as the top bar of the fence gave way, as I went forwards the second bar caught me just above the knees and I did a little forward roll landing on my back at the top of a very steep slope. I started to slide rapidly down the hill, so I dug my heels in, bad move, this catapulted me upright and over again, I continued in this fashion until I reached the bottom of the hill.
At no point in my drunken fall had I managed to stop peeing, so I was covered in my own urine, this paled in to insignificance beside the fact that I had fallen into a cow field and had struck at least a dozen good size cow pats on the way down. To add insult to stupidity, I didn't make it back up the slope the first time either.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Too Much, Too Young
Another infrequent series of short articles, a collection of idiot moments fuelled by booze, remember the times when every night out looked like an episode of Jackass?
Our first TMTY moment is fuelled by vodka, a lot of it, we've all done it, drunk so much that we have spent half the night hanging over the toilet rim, what most of us haven't done however is vomited so hard that you dislocate your jaw, requiring the dispatching of an ambulance and a phone call to your parents to inform them that not only are you not at a slumber party, but you are in hospital having your jaw set and your stomach pumped. And you are 14!! Geez, kids these days.
This TMTY moment experienced by Georgina.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Don's Amazing Puzzle, well, it strikes me that Don is a bit thick, I got the right score first time, it was obvious, and didn't require a complex letter counting script.
It's a question that has been circulating amongst Dungeons & Dragons anoraks for some time. If Harry Potter was a D&D Mage, what level would he be ? At least high enough level to cast fireballs by the looks of this.
How To Interview Like Charlie Whelan
No matter what the topic of your interview (pipe bomb on the Shanklin Road, Ayatollah deposed by anarchist freedom fighters etc.), your third question to the interviewee must be...

"Did you see Spurs play last week ?"

The interviewee may now try to throw you off topic with an answer like......

"My three children were burned to death in an IRA fire bomb attack you insensitive prick"
or
"I have outlawed football as a decadent, Western, imperialist running dogs game, and killed all the players as martyrs to the glorious revolution"

But persevere, mention two or three times that you never, ever pay for tickets you over paid, scrounging, brown nosed git. Now, ignoring the anguished wailing/angry ranting of the interviewee, fit in a quick anecdote involving the last celebrity party you went to, and/or Gordon Brown. You tit.

Friday, February 21, 2003

"He was given a name badge". Oh yes, and just where did he pin it then ?
Whilst chatting, somewhat drunkenly over too many bottles of good red wine I'll admit, we got on to the subject of squad numbers for cricketers, and the question was posed, why bother ? I'm now fully in agreement after watching Canada the other day, I don't believe there are 99 cricketers in Canada in total, or are Canada trying to say that they are crap because 80+ first team choices are out injured ? Hey, they can't do that, that's our excuse.

I
Do you think he has problems buying shirts?

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Yorkshiresoul is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Paddy. So everyone please put your hands together for Yorkshiresoul!
Jerry: Okay, now Yorkshiresoul you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Ysoul: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
Ysoul: Cheryl.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Cheryl, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Yorkshiresoul, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... John!
Ysoul: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Stick of black pudding. John reaches for the Welsh dresser. Out of the shadows Candice appears.
Candice: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here John.
John: Because I saw Yorkshiresoul and Candice making out at Cliffords Tower!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Candice: That's a lie! I was home watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem John?
John: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Paddy who has recently become engaged to Candice.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Paddy out here because Yorkshiresoul had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Cheryl that's right!
Paddy: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Cheryl! You know I'm how I feel about Cheryl!.
Candice: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Cheryl!
Paddy: Because I knew that I could never have Cheryl. But Yorkshiresoul promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Candice: What about respect for MY feelings!
John walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Paddy.
John: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Candice: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Candice runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Candice: Yorkshiresoul take me away from all of this!
Ysoul: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Candice: Married?
Ysoul nods.
Candice: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Ysoul: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Cheryl.
Paddy: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Cheryl: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 45 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Yorkshiresoul is married to Cheryl who Paddy has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Paddy has recently become engaged to Candice who was recently spotted kissing Yorkshiresoul in the Cliffords Tower. Now on top of this John has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Paddy.
Cheryl: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
I have unleashed a monster, 155+ hits yesterday, you know what they came looking for, I'm #1 on Google, #1 on Yahoo, I'm also #1 on Google in Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Canada, France, Belgium, Finland, Holland and Chile! (I'm still checking up on Google Latvia). The worrying thing is that I have dropped the meta name tag from my header in order to deflect some of the traffic, but after doing that my hits went up almost 50%. I wonder if any of our lonely and lustful surfers stop to ponder the gentle chaos that is YSoul, or having seen that there is no teenage Russian porn to be had they try the Google second ranked site for Tatu naked.

Incidentally, if you are interested in pics of Tatu naked, then the second and third ranked Google sites have just what you're looking for, nearly naked anyway, or so I'm told, obviously I didn't look.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Woo, woo and hoo, more fanmailthanks Dennis.
Oh dear, I suffered from TATU overload yesterday, 111 hits and a new all time record, there are an awful lot of people surfing with one hand for the Russian songbirds. Anyway, another Britney Spears related item, if you struggle with semiconductor physics, radiative recombination or finite barrier quantum wells (and Lord knows I do) then pop over to I Am A Donut in my links list and get directed to the Britney Spears Guide to Semiconductor Physics.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

The rubbish just keeps on coming today, I present for your delectation and delight, The Fruity Machine. Bah, I just wasted my last fiver on two Dale Wintons and a Julian Clary.
Have you ever wanted to snog Britney Spears ? Well now you can.
I used to have a header saying..."Yorkshiresoul, worksafe, usually", but I had to take it down, and here, yet again, is another not worksafe item, Evil Sheep, actually it is three quarters worksafe, just don't hit the Welsh Farmer option.
I'm suffering from a slight lack of inspiration this morning, so I'll give you a couple of things to keep yourselves amused with. Here is a flying letters game, it's very simple, if a 'B' comes flying across your screen, hit the b key to destroy it, etc. The high score (obviously done by the worlds greatest secretary) is in the region of 78 million, I scored 85 points, ho hum.
As you may or may not know, Blogger/Pyra have been bought by Google. My archives, along with most other Bloggers archives have vanished, they won't publish and Blogger customer service has gone AWOL, bugger it.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris ?
Nobody knows, they've never tried.

Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees ?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
A typical Golf Club menu.
Goose liver pate on hot buttered toast
Suet kidney pudding
Apple crumble with custard
Served with lashings of red wine and port for afters. Yesterday one of the members said to me, the reason we eat like we do is to ensure that a fair proportion of the membership dies young and allows some new blood in to the club.

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Woo hoo, fanmail, but not worksafe fanmail.
Southerners And Their Funny Ways
Brendan, a good Yorkshire lad, had to visit the outskirts of London as part of his job, he was put in a B&B and so thought he would spend the night in the pub, a quick glance at the yellow pages reveals that there are three pubs within staggering distance, he phones them up.
"Are you showing the football tonight ?"
"No"
"Are you showing the football tonight ?"
"No"
"Are you showing the football tonight ?"
"There's something interesting on the big screen, you'll have to come and see." So, two pubs with no footy, and one hostelry indicating by way of a cryptic message that there might be football, or perhaps something more interesting involving naked ladies. Brendan goes to the third pub, buy a pint of flat beer for three quid, and is shown in to a darkened room where the locals are all avidly viewing.........Badgerwatch.
"Oh yes sonny, we always watches the badgers on a Tuesday"
(Thanks to Dawn for the tale of southern weirdness)

Friday, February 14, 2003

Ha ha, yesterday was my best day for visitors ever, 48 dear people came for a peek at YS, and what did they come for, pictures of TATU naked of course. Look, if you want to see TATU naked, just buy the Sun or the Daily Sport, the Russian songbirds don't seem to mind getting their kit off for the tabloids. Ok, ok, I know it's a little unfair getting site traffic by these underhand tactics, so here is an actual photograph of TATU naked, look for them third from the left.
This isn't a dangerous childhood article, mostly because most of the things I have written about in those sections were dangerous to the people taking part, never did it enter my head to build a bazooka out of drainage pipes and fire potatoes from them at a velocity great enough to seriously injure people, but that's German youth for you, and they claim to be pro peace, sheesh.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Golf ball manufacturers everywhere are rejoicing, for I have played my first round of the year. Par for the course is 68, I took any pressure off myself by getting 68 on the first nine, came back in 44 though. I make little notes on the scorecard to remind myself of what happened, thus,

#2 LB (Lost ball in river)
#5 LBx2 (Lost two balls in the river)
#10 (B, T, LB) (Hit first shot behind the barn and couldn't see the fairway, hit shot later on behind bloody big tree and couldn't see the green, gave ball almighty whack in bitter frustration and hit the river, lost ball)

Even worse, I was playing so slowly (on my own), that a fourball, of which the youngest player was a sprightly 73, caught up with me. Good end to the game though, made a par on the 18th in front of the club house, thus fooling various members into thinking I can actually play the game.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Don't piss off your plastic surgeon **Not in the least little bit worksafe**, provided by Alan.
Now that the Michael Douglas - Catherine Zita Jones wedding photos trial is progressing well, I am considering suing the photographer who took the photo's at my wedding.
The cheap and tacky photo set clearly makes me appear as a fat, beardy goth with bloodshot eyes and at least 3 chins. Here's that fat bloke again wedding my wedding outfit.
More news on Shane Warne, insiders say he got confused between taking diuretics and diarroea tablets, and between them and the tins of beans he's about ready to blow, stand well back.
So, Roy Keane quits international football in somewhat dubious circumstances only a day after committing himself to the Irish team, apparently Alex Fergesun thought he needed a better medical opinion and the Scumchester doctors said the strains of international football would be too much for him. Obviously he can't play internationals any more, Scum need him on the pitch for all those money raking friendly matches in Indonesia and China. It's a poor day though when 'The Drunken Tramp' is more powerful than the international managers.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Will Smith hadn't seen Michael Jackson for so long he hardly recognised him, tee hee, stolen from The Sun.
Shocking news this morning as the World Cup continues to implode, Shane Warne has been sent home after testing positive for Placebo's, Shane, who is well known in cricketing circles for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, is said to have bought the powerful, non-prescription drugs from a grinning Darren Gough.
"Yeah," said Warne, "Goughy gave me these tins marked Heinz 57, he told me to get a few tins down myself for breakfast, and again for lunch, now I feel so used and ashamed."

The England team were available for commenting, but not apparently for cricketing.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Good start to the world cup, well done that man Brian Lara, it's good to see him on form and (hopefully) not being a complete tosser, I thought my man Lance Klusener was going to win the day, what a great match. It was also good to see some of the younger Windies players showing some form, especially the two who dispatched Pollocks last over for 23! And England, well it looks like we're not going to take a strict moral stance after all but try to weasel our way out of the match instead.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

So hurrah the World Cup is under way at last, and it looks like England will not play in Zimbabwe, good for them. The press are reporting that the Captain, as well as Caddick and some other senior players are taking a moral stance, well if the ICC won't then someone else has to. Genocide is taking place in Zimbabwe and the other 'civilized' cricketing nations think it is ok to play there.

A few weeks ago I heard a BBC reporter challenging the Zimbabwean Interior Minister over conditions in parts of the country.

BBC "What I am saying is that your actions are the reason that six million people in your country are starving"

Minister "What do we need these six million people for anyway ?"

I'm behind Nasser and the lads, they can't go and play in a country where a Holocaust is being implemented, and if the Australians and the others can, on their conscience be it.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

It worries me that a University would place a question like this in an exam, but at least one student was brave enough to answer with tongue firmly in cheek. Cheers to Emma for the link.

Friday, February 07, 2003

The Wars Of The Roses : Fixtures and Results
Why we call Lancashire the old enemy. Although called the Roses Wars, due to F.A. (Feudal Association) regulations, most of these matches were away fixtures at neutral grounds.

1455 St. Albans, easy victory for the Yorkists.

1459 An away match at Blore Heath results in another York victory, but Lancaster pull one back as the White Rose team lose at Ludford Bridge.

1460 After another victory at Nothhampton Richard of York is made England Captain, but he is forced out of the game altogether after a disastrous home loss at Wakefield, York leads the series 3-2.

1461 York win away at the picturesque Welsh ground of Mortimers Cross, but an FA inquiry forces a replay of the St. Albans match and Lancaster better us in the replay, York however take to the pitch at Towton with a rebuilt side and hammer Lancaster, 5-3.

1464 A tricky away match in the Northumbrian castles goes into extra time, but York takes it, 6-3.

1470 Confusion reigns as the new European league system is brought in, York defeat Lincolnshire in a hastily arranged match. In the other group stage Warwick, Lancaster and France all stage a dodgy looking series of draws to qualify all three for the finals.

1471 York are still on top form and prove it by beating the amalgamated Lancaster-France side twice at Barnet and Tewkesbury. 8-3

1485 Bosworth, an underhand bit of trickery by Lancaster sees them registering almost the entire cup winning French side as their own,
on the York side there is despair as the new captain is accused of child abuse, the team look hopeless on the pitch and are badly beaten.

1487 Stoke, and another calamity strikes Yorkshire as their new captain, Lambert Simnel, misses the transfer window and the demoralised team lose again, 8-5. So although York clearly had the better of the group stages, they had serious problems with captains, Lancaster used a number of dirty and underhand tricks to get their man placed as England Captain.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

There has been a lot of talk in the media, well, on the shock-horror front page of the Sun anyway, about immigrants, and just thought I'd like to add my tuppence worth to the debate. We all pay a lot of tax, and despite my accountants best efforts the government still manages to force VAT and Corporation tax out of me, this is money we would like to see spent on things to improve our lives, better education, better hospitals and a free glass of Rioja at the end of each working day. What we don't want to see is feckless, shiftless foreigners coming in by the busload, taking our jobs, living the life of Riley on massive social security handouts and imposing their strange customs and beliefs on us.

Only yesterday I saw two of these border hopping asylum seekers in the post office (no doubt wiring their ill gotten gains back to families in their homeland), with their flat caps and whippets, talking in their dull, inflected monotones about Preston NE's poor defensive record. Enough I say, send them home, end immigration, place armed Tykes on the borders.

So help me with a petition to "Keep Lancastrians Out Of Yorkshire" and "Say No To Al-Black Pudeenga", write to me at the usual address, and don't mention this to the Mrs.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

A few credits first as the entire content of my blog seems to have been pinched from other fine bloggers. All the little test thingies were nicked from the very fine Anjarchista, the GeoURL button that has appeared was taken from my closest blogging neighbour Redmaiden down the valley in Otley, also nicked from Redmaiden is this the Jennifer Government : Nation States game, click on that link and you'll be looking at the hardworking Dominion of Dark Satanic Mills, civil rights? Unheard of.

Monday, February 03, 2003

I am 53% Goth

Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com



I am 61% Metal Head

I rock just as hard as the rest of the thrash set, except when no ones looking I like to get down with a little "More than a Feeling."

Take the Metal Head Test at fuali.com



I am 16% Grunge

I will get out of your sight. I'm pathetic! With my clean clothes, and nice smell. I think I took the wrong test, thank god, huh?

Take the Grunge Test at fuali.com



I am 18% Raver

Have I even been to a rave? I'll go home. I am a Loser. I suck. Actually, I am probably just a normal person taking this test and don't know why.

Take the Raver Test at fuali.com
Oh no! Snow! What shall we do ? Let's all leave work at the normal rush hour time, don't fit tyre chains, create a giant 16 mile tailback and then whinge like hell when the gritters can't get through. Do you think the local authorities have Harry Potter Flying Broomstick Gritters ? No they don't, they have bog normal ones, and they're all stuck in the traffic behind you, morons.
Busted, in the dismal depths of their teenage stupidity they make a reference in their latest pop chart success to the number of boy bands likely to appear in the future, Busted, have you not noticed ? You are a bloody boy band, you are not playing your instruments it's all recorded, you are shite, stop releasing records at once. I thought that rock was fairly immune to the kit band phenomenon, but then again, we did suffer from Hanson.

Saturday, February 01, 2003

Wow. I have just finished Stephen Baxter's Origin. It is good to have your horizons expanded for a while before settling back down to another day of teas, coffees and bacon butties. Baxter's trilogy of novels concerning the Fermi Paradox ('If aliens existed, they would be here') is both dazzling and wonderful as you follow protagonist Reid Malenfant through three different lives as he experiences three folds of the manifest. The human race, or races as Origin demonstrates, are not the prime driving force of the universe in Baxter's creation, rather homo sapiens are insignificant specks of mind which either achieve nothing, are swept away by the galactic maelstrom or settle down in to a millennia long species decay. Wonderful stuff, I'll be looking out for the short story collection Phase Space, more tales of the manifest.
Pop Idol, Fame Academy, I'm just sick of it all, at least over there on Iraqi Idol they do the right thing and hang the losers. Do check out the 'Meet the New Contestants', lucky costumes indeed, lol.