Saturday, March 29, 2003

Wow, it has been almost like a summers week, both for the weather and the amount of customers, with a decent Mothers Day Lunch on Sunday it spells a good end to the year. We've looked after the Harrogate and District Golf Union (their link isn't working), the Co-Optimists (presumably some sort of secret society), the Riverside Hotel Golf Society (dangerous sex perverts will note that the Riverside's blurb advertises "Badger Watching!!!") and the Senior Section of Clitheroe Golf Club. Lastly a link to the Greatest Golf Club in Yorkshire, click through to the Clubhouse&Facilities section and you will see that I am plugged as the 'Excellent catering manager', good description Mr. web designer bloke.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Wahey, I'm getting broadband, well, BT broadband anyway, as if to demonstrate how good BB will be, my connection has dropped out four times this morning already. Knowing BT's crap service record, I fully expect BT Broadband to be the equivalent of any other comapnaies non asdl service, oh well. Moving on then......., we've all done something along these lines when deeply hammered, you know, pissing in a flower vase then returning it to its position atop the mantelpiece at Adam's parents house thus making the living room smell like a gents urinal until the source is discovered some weeks later. Anyway, for lots of pictures of people who are outside of too much booze, go amuse yourselves at Hairytongue.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Here's one for comic fans, I bet every bloke has thought at least once in his life....."It would be really great to be the stretchy one from the Fantastic Four", here is someone thinking along similar lines about The Hulk. **Possibly not worksafe,ok**
Please someone tell me that this item is not serious, and although it makes me appear a little sick and twisted, I hope that this one is.
I am #1 on Google again, this time for the following phrase Being English Twat. I'm in good company though, the official Barmy Army homepage and numerous links to the wonderful Bill Bryson rank just below me. I am also #7 on Yahoo for a rather more disturbing result, Mechanical injuries images with their stories, other recent searches pointing their way to YS have included "Naked girl in cricket ground" (as always at the cricket I had apparently nodded off when this happened) and "Michelle Trachtenberg Pussy Story" (She's underage, let's not go there), and finally, "Small Naked English Boys", it's good to see I'm attracting the classier sort of reader.
A night at the lunatic asylum, an inmate shouted "I am Napoleon."
A second inmate responds "How do you know that."
The first one replied "God told me."
From another room comes the cry "I bloody well did not."
Q - What is the difference between the French and toast ?

A - You can make soldiers out of toast.

Monday, March 24, 2003

We have a new manager, all together to the tune of Yellow Submarine...............

"Peter Reids got a fucking monkeys head, a fucking monkeys head, a fucking monkeys head"

Reid seems to be bringing back some of the older/wiser/knackered members of the squad, Batty was included yesterday, and the rumour has it that other recalls to the Leeds side may include Lorimer, Clarke, Charlton and Bremner.
The ICC have announced rules changes for the next cricket world cup, the point carrying system for the second group stage stage will be blocked, and in case of problems with the final a number of 'extra days' will be set aside when the final can be replayed until the Australians lose.

Sunday, March 23, 2003

Do you have problems transporting your cat to the vet, does your cat ever make you want to shove a large metal spike up its arse to teach it a lesson ? Handily, here is a device that does both.
On February 15th I posted a short article entitled 'Southerners And Their Funny Ways', in a strange parallel of the Ron Davies excuse saga it contained information on how certain Londoners liked to spend their evenings................watching badgers! I don't mind this really, badgers are certainly entertaining creatures, squirrels on the other hand. At dinner and D&D on Friday, good mate Andy (now to be known as dangerous sex pervert Andy) said, and I have not made a word of this up "So there I was as one in the morning, up in the loft in my boxer shorts, looking for squirrels", why is that Andy ? Do squirrels prefer boxers to Y-fronts ?
A huge thank you to Phil Ringnalda, who is a sort of jobbing Blogger genius, sorting out code problems for lesser mortals like myself, my archives are back, hoorah!

Friday, March 21, 2003

If you have a fear of dentists, or pain, or blood, Ouch, and ouch again.
I want one.
Oh dear, this is worksafe, but bad taste and hilarious, but don't go there if offended by, erm, women's things.
Just to keep the balance in the war issue, may I present Salam's live Iraqi blog.
Can it be true, rumour has it the El Tel (wanted for crimes against football) is to leave Leeds United, hoorah! I went to the Bradford - Sheff Wed match on Tuesday, Bradford's inept defence was matched only by Wednesday's fear of shooting. As a nuetral I must say that the ref made some shocking decisions, mostly against Bradford, including missing a blatant penalty handball from a Wednesday defender. The match ended 1-1, super Danny Forest got about 20 mins on the pitch and did well, a couple of good runs and a great header on to Gray, but after Bradford had a player sent off he really didn't get much help from the midfield.
And Another Anti-War Protest
I'm confused, what did you morons hope to achieve by chaining yourself to railings and preventing ordinary, decent, working people from going about their business ? Just remember while you are waving your placard that it is your given right to protest about whatever you want, if you were an Iraqi and you did this, the secret police would arrive and the chances are that you would never be seen again.

Yesterday I heard a protestor say that Christians could only oppose the military action, and that offering love was the only Christian response to the crisis. Well, I'm a Christian, we offered Saddam the other cheek and he slapped that as well. Remember those SCUD missiles that Saddam claimed he had destroyed, well four of them landed on Kuwait yesterday, so if he didn't get rid of the missiles, are we to believe him when he claims to have destroyed the nerve agents and bio weapons ?

Thursday, March 20, 2003

Anti War Protest
I would like to congratulate the organizers of yesterdays Ilkley Grammar school walk out war protest, well done, oh yes well done, on the hottest and sunniest day of the year so far you managed to get the majority of the school to abandon lessons for a day in the sun.

I would love to think that the greater part of the school population came out because they are socially aware, politically motivated bright young things. I would stand up and applaud if todays students would protest about anything, whether I agreed with them or not I would like to se them saying something about their world. But the truth is, the playstation generation cannot be bothered.

Let us look at a few things surrounding the 'protest', the weather first, yesterday was a rare t-shirt day, March weather can be horizontal sleet, I doubt the school would have walked in a downpour. Why have the protest on a schoolday ? Because the organisers know full well had they called for a rally on Saturday, support would have been minimal.

The children did walk out though, but what did they do, the ones I spoke to did the following.............Four played golf, two wandered around the shops for a while then went home, one went swimming in her boyfriends outdoor heated pool (well, this is Ilkley), and none actually protested. Not a representative sample I will agree, and I do acknowledge that a group of students did protest in the centre of Ilkley, for a short while. Many other student activists were to be seen playing football in the park, eating ice cream or playing skip stones on the river. Maybe it was a combined anti war - footballers wages - ice cream prices - river pollution demo, but I don't think so.

I would like to ask the organisers a couple of questions, raise your hands now please, how many of you knew about the protests concerning the treatment of the Marsh Arabs by the Iraqi regime ? And how many of you marched with them ? So that would be few and none then. By your involvement you say the war should not take place, but are you saying by your absence that Saddam Hussain has your consent to destroy utterly an ancient culture and scatter its people to the winds ? Of course not, that would be a foolish assumption. Why then did you not protest about the fate of these people ? Because it wasn't on TV everyday, you are not actually very politically motivated at all, and you couldn't be bothered.

I don't want this to sound as if I'm knocking the children for having a go, because I'm not. I am saying though that yesterdays 'protest' was ill thought out and caused problems and worry for people, did you ever stop to think about the younger children ? Parents who had assumed that their younger children were safe at school came home to find that their offspring had in fact spent the day wandering the streets.

I am accusing the organisers of not being motivated enough, and I am right. Our universities, once hotbeds of radical politics and activism, have become hotbeds of dance and ecstasy culture. In a year, or two, or three, as this wave of political activists bacome 18, the percentage of voters participating in elections will not rise, because they can't be bothered. It's easier to sit in the pub and whinge about the world than it is to do something. It's easier to play and extra half hour on the X-Box than it is to write to your MP to raise an issue that concerns you. It's easier to piss and moan than it is to stand up and be counted.

Yorkshiresoul puts his money where his mouth is, the world is not right, valuable habitats and species are vanishing all the time, do something about it, the world is not right, trees and woodlands are cut down for housing and commerce and not replaced, do something about it, people around the world suffer needlessly from conditions that can be alleviated for the price of a few beers, help them, children around the world work instead of getting an education because their parents are too poor, help them get what you take for granted. These are some of my concerns, and although I'm only one man, I'm doing something about them.

For all the young people that will be marching again against the war, or against anything, in a few days or weeks, I salute you, well done, you need to get the rest of the playstation generation with you, get them motivated, get them of their arses and doing something, it's an uphill struggle I know, but the world is not right, and we are not doing enough about it.

Friday, March 14, 2003

In the past I have featured ladies and gents fashion made from leather, rubber, toilet paper, and now, Bubblewrap, I kid you not.
A selection of wines for the Big Red Boys.
This is a little worrying, serious ? Spoof ?
No. I don't know either. Why has my page done this ? It's part of my ongoing struggle to restore my archives, if anyone can help, please do.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Being a well known and respected blogger, I often mingle with the stars and celebs, the movers and shakers, super striker Danny Forest stopped by our table as we dined out last night. Mrs YS knows Danny quite well, he's a good friend of her trilogy of brothers and next week we are going to see him play against the scum of Sheffield Wednesday.

This has caused a minor rift in the ranks, for reasons known only to himself and God, eldest brother in law Andy is a Wednesday fan, and thus son to be a Div 2 devotee, har de har. Middle and youngest brothers in law are, like myself, followers of the once mighty LUFC, but we used to go to see BCFC when I lived and worked in Bradford. So the family will be split, brother and father in law in the away pen, the rest of us in the home end, but both ends cheering for "Super Danny Forest."
God’s Own County
God was bored and went missing for six days. The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.

“What have you been up to?” he asked.

“I’ve created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance.”

“Balance?” said Gabriel.

God explained

North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor. “Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people.”

God talked of different countries.

“That one will be hot and that one will be covered with ice.”

Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said, “What’s that?”

“Ah” said God, “That is Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture and sporting giants. The people from Yorkshire will be modesty, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard-working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers.”

Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment and said, “But what about balance God? You said there will be balance.”

“Ah” said God, nodding sagely, “Let me tell you about Lancashire!”
(John witnessed the word of God)

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

This might not make sense to some of the regulars, but I am following up on a thread that has been running over on Redmaiden. I thought that I would show you what some of the bloggers and contributors look like, but be warned, these links are not for nice people or even Scousers, and they are not worksafe.



We went to see Daredevil last night, a fairly good, if rather violent, superhero movie. I didn't know anything about Daredevil but he turned out to be a hero in the Wolverine, Frank Miller Batman vein, people die, but they were bad people. The showing we went to happened to be sub titled, do go and watch a subtitled superhero film, it's like the old batman series, a fight starts and the subtitles go "crash", "loud bang".

This made me laugh, when songs were played during the movie, they were subtitled thus.........

"Nickleback - bag 'o wank", presumably the record companies have this contracted in, but they haven't thought it out very well have they, in my experience, deaf people do not buy music, and so do not need to know whether it is Drowning Pool, Alisha Keys or Mozart. Mind you, deaf people might still buy Nickleback, tee hee.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

The battle line guide, 2 years have passed since the Osc-Dis war.....Mad Com (Code name TK-01, KY-02, MK-03) defeated the conspiracy of JHC with force BLACK CYBORN and had colaborated with Dr. Kurid to develop the latest military devices. MAD COM was well ready for the next combat at the base called Palm Island. However, the situation was drastically chnaged by the unexpected emergency report from Prof. Positron. JHC abducted MAD COM's military advisor Dr. OCA! As a first step to dominate the earth, JHC attempted to brainwash the civilians to their side. JHC forced Dr. OCA to invent 1/40 scale BLACK CYBORN loaded with stolen "CHAOS STEP".

Waht the hell is all this, The Mad Capsule Markets have released a new album, oh yes. I like all the daft sleeve notes, it harks back to the good old days when Voivod would fill their album sleeves with this sort of rambling nonsense, remember Killing Technology ? Oh happy times.
Readers of the Daily Mail have my deepest sympathies, I bought a copy to read in the car yesterday as broadsheets obscure my view and make it difficult to turn corners. I don't know how often Jeff Powell is allowed to unleash his pisspoor driveling upon the Mail's readership, but someone ought to stop him strait away.

Powell seems to deplore the fact that cricket fans don't suffer from the worst of footballs moron excesses. He claims that Zimbabwe is "less dangerous to visit than the United States or Britain at this hour of international terrorism," a foolish claim indeed. African nations are a lot less safe than their Western counterparts, mostly their anti-terrorist forces are years behind those of the UK and USA in areas of training, equipment and funding. The recent hotel bombing in Kenya showed just how vulnerable foreign nationals can be staying in these countries, and that's before they have had a direct threat leveled at them, as happened to the England team.

He also seems upset that we didn't vilify the players on their return, but why should we ? Everyone knew it would be difficult to qualify once we had forfeited the Zimbabwe match, the groundswell of opinion is that day-night games are a lottery, on an equal footing we probably would not have beaten Pakistan so comprehensively, nor lost so heavily to India. When we had a level playing field we beat the smaller nations (and were not the only 'big' nation to struggle against supposed 'make weight' teams) and we played a fantastic match against Australia. It should be remembered that England are the only country to have got anywhere near beating the Ozzies for a year.

"Our cricket is a shambles and no-one gives a hoot", Jeff Powells headline reads, well Jeff, real cricket fans do care, it's band wagon jumping, England bashing oiks like yourself that don't.

Monday, March 10, 2003

Yorkshire Folk Laugh More Than Southerners, we always knew that, what the Southerners don't know is that we are laughing at them.
A Yorkshiresoul Special Report
Here, on the borders of Iraq, a tragedy is being allowed to happen. Tens of thousands of refugees have gathered in huge makeshift camps, and more arrive every day. These poor souls, ordered from their houses by a brutal and dictatorial government, have no permanent homes, many have become separated from their families and they are desperately short of food and other basic supplies. They are known only as the British Desert Army.

I managed to persuade one of these unfortunates to speak with me, he revealed only that he is known as Sir Brigadier General Bufton Tufton Pampelmousse, and he had this to say............

"We're going in soon, cutting the wire, the SAS have gone ahead and marked out the minefield, we'll take out the machine gun emplacements to either side with stun grenades, then it's quickly on to the main compound, destroy the generator to take out the lights and we will go in and hit the main tent hard, in and out, back to base."

"And this your plan to assassinate Saddam ?" I asked.

For a moment he looked baffled, "Good Lord no, it's to steal some decent rations from the Yanks."

Sunday, March 09, 2003

I found a little gadget on someone else's blog called the Pornolizer and ran Yorkshiresoul through it, I fear that my Aunt Morag will be offended, so don't look alright! And if my mother is visiting (and she has no internet access btw, and very little idea of what I get up to here), don't let her look either, no really, don't look, there are no pictures but it is very rude indeed.
Here is the result.
Mrs. YSoul had a little win at the casino the other night, and we bought a DVD plus LOTR with the proceeds. Now that I have seen the extended version I just need to point out another discrepency, and a laughable one.

The scene.........Lothlorien. The lady Galadriel has looked in to the minds of the Fellowship, she has read their thoughts and seen thier desires, seeing that Samwise is worried both for his master Frodo, and for the Shire, she offeres him a gift.

"You are deeply troubled Sam, here, have a rope." (Ysoul rolls on the floor crying with laughter), I kid you not, if you havn't seen the extended version this is exactly what happens. Depressed young hobbit ? Sod off and hang yourself then. It's a shame that Peter Jackson has made such an arse of this scene, the whole point of Sam receiving a box of soil and a seed is hope, hope for the future. Maybe it was just a typo in the script. More observations from this LOTR anorak at a later date.

Friday, March 07, 2003

I know what people come looking for when they visit Yorkshiresoul, and so do you so I shan't say it, but I am horrified to find in my searchlog a request for something so depraved, so twisted, so foul, I can barely name it, there are people out there looking for pictures of, Brett Lee, and Google is directing them to my site, the shame of it.

Thursday, March 06, 2003

In Zimbabwe, over forty people have been arrested for campaigning for democracy in or near to cricket grounds during the World Cup. People 'arrested' for this in Zimbabwe have a nasty habit of vanishing, or turning up in ditches with their hands cut off. Six million people in Zimbabwe are dying because they voted for the losing side, and the Mugabe government is starving them to death as punishment. Well done to England for not playing there, I salute the Zimbabwe team members who have put their careers, and possibly their lives, at risk by demonstrating during matches. Shame on the other countries who played in Zimbabwe without so much as a murmur of complaint, Australia, India, Pakistan, Holland.
Redmaiden sold me a pile of WWII history books the other day, I have been perusing the Daily Mail Britain At War Unseen Archives, a fantastic collection of photographs taken by the Daily Mail photographers, some were published at the time and are presented with their original captions, others were not passed by the censors and are presented in this book for the first time.

One photograph in particular took my eye, it shows a bombed street at the height of the blitz, in front of a ruined shop front the owner has built a little tower of crates with a stepladder on top, a Union Jack flies from the ladder and a hand painted banner reads "Bombed but not beaten". I remember going to the USA only weeks after Sept 11th and thinking the Yanks were all a little mad with the massive displays of Stars and Stripes we saw, but this photo brought a little rush of pride, it's a strange thing, patriotism.
Woo and yay indeed, Blogjam got mentioned as this weeks Way Out Website in Kerrang.

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

Wahey, I met Redmaiden, she's a babe. The meeting would have gone well but being a blogger and spending most of my free time online, my social skills have atrophied to the point where I can now barely manage to get served in shops. As always when encountering beautiful women I go in to an awestruck state, my tongue becomes glued to the roof of my mouth and I have to try really hard not to talk to their breasts.

"Hello" I struggled to say.

"Er, hello" said the wonderful Redmaiden, moving in the general direction of away.

"It's OK, I'm not really a dangerous weirdo, I'm Mike..............Yorkshiresoul"

"And the difference is..............?"

So far the meeting was not going well, I had to extricate myself without further embarrassment, I pointed in the direction of the storeroom, shouted "Look, it's Osama Bin Laden", and ran.

Monday, March 03, 2003

Dinner at my parents on Saturday night, great meal, and perhaps the best wine I have ever tasted, Chateau Musar '94, if you think that oak loaded Napa/Ozzy blockbusters are the thing, save up (only about £14 or so) and try a bottle of liquid magic.
The new Marilyn Manson look with the steel teeth, black, mickey mouse thing is frankly disturbing, if you fancy sleepless nights you can check out the new cover art at the Gottfried Helnwein site.
People complain (Americans usually) that cricket is too hard to understand, this isn't true, they are just thick. Here is how cricket really works................score more than the other team, got that ? Ok, so sometimes you have to score faster in a shorter time, but that's pretty much how the game works. The World Cup on the other hand is almost impossible to explain to cricket aficionados, never mind the uninitiated. The World Cup is like the Champions League, except that the ICC have decided to let teams carry their points through to the second stage, so imagine Man U and Barca go into the second group stage with 9 points each, Juventus and Ajax go through with 0 points, who is likely to progress ?
How stupid does this sound ? It is likely that Australia will only need to win one match from five to progress to the semi-finals, with it being the Australians, they will probably try hard in every game, but you could easily have a situation where a team in the Super Six wins its first game, then puts out a second team for the remaining matches and unbalances the group. Would it not have been better to play a second strait league in the Super Six stage ? I think so.
And another thing, day-night matches, they have been a mockery so far, the changing light and pitch conditions seem to have favoured the side batting first so much that the match has been won on the toss, and yet the ICC still insist on playing a day-night semi-final.
To avoid the sound problems that plagued the last DUP conference, this years conference will be held in Belfast whilst Ian Paisley's speech will be made from a locked cellar in Londonderry.
I'm exhausted, shattered, my nerves are shredded. The excitement of the India-Pakistan match was enough, but the down to the line finish of the England-Australia game has left my nerves in shreds. Bloody Bichel, who'd have thought it ? I'll salute Australia, they are a superb side, although I'd still quite like to smack Brett Lee given the chance. But well done England, they got the moral high ground after refusing to sanction Mugabe's holocaust, played superbly against Pakistan and Australia, if we go home now at least we can say they tried.
Clash of the World Cup so far............watching Oz vs Holland, foul canary yellow and neon orange, I had to turn off after ten minutes, it was making my eyes bleed.