Tuesday, December 30, 2003

As requested by 'The Slut' fanclub.
The Best Of................Lazy Journalism

It's that time of year again when lazy journo's fill their publications with lists instead of articles, and who am I to differ ? The ten best albums of the year then.............

1) Killing Joke - Killing Joke *****

Jaz Coleman and Co. with Dave Grohl on drums provide a huge, pounding, rhythmic wall of noise filled with spite, bitterness and eco-friendly protest rants, superb.

2) Permission To Land - The Darkness *****

Wahey, honest to goodness stadium rock with all the trimmings, an unholy combination of Queen, Boston, Aerosmith and a primary school dressing up box.

3) Absolution - Muse *****

Big music from the British trio, soaring, swooping, melodramatic, heart rending, wonderful, how do three people create all of this ?

4) How The West Was Won - Led Zeppelin *****

Eventually of course my CD collection will collapse in to a black hole under the combined weight of numerous Led Zep compilations, but this live set from 1972 is required listening.

5) Sleeping With Ghosts - Placebo ****

Not quite hitting the heights of Black Market Music, the talented, multi-lingual and disturbingly pretty Brian Molko still makes a damn good album.

6) Golden Age Of The Grotesque - Marilyn Manson ****

Mazza said it was going to be a new departure but it turned out to be the same old, same old, still, the same old shit is still pretty good shit.

7) Youth And Young Manhood - Kings Of Leon ****

Get on your pointy cowboy boots and raise your hands to the Lord, stamp your feet and generally have a rooting' tootin' good time y'all.

8) Must Be Destroyed - The Wildhearts ****

Good stuff, I think though that we were all secretly hoping for another Earth Vs.

9) St. Anger - Metallica ****

Again, good but not the best, it does sound as if it was recorded inside a biscuit tin, a vast improvement on the previous two albums though.

10) De-Loused In The Comatorium - The Mars Volta ****

What is going on here ? I really don't know, the worlds first jazz-speedcore fusion perhaps, lyrics written under the influence of mind altering drugs for certain, brilliant and impenetrable, yes.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Mrs YS always spoils me on Christmas Day...............

I now need to find some wall space for this stunning piece of Storm Thorgerson art, Phyllis Cohen painted the girls who were then photographed at a private swimming pool.

Christmas day was great, heaps of food, gallons of booze, Godchildren Joe and Ellie running riot (with Father and Ysoul and assorted brothers in law) in the dining room.
Grandad couldn't come as he is still recovering from having his tonsils out (at 94!).

I'm working today, it is the club's annual Christmas Cup competition, some were here at 8am this morning and teed off in the dark, off to mothers tonight, hope you are all having fun.

I didn't put out any sort of wish list this year and as a result got some wonderful and unexpected presents, two to note especially, a Smaug wine glass (thanks Brian + Cath), and thanks to JR + C, my mug with the picture of your chocolate covered infant daughter had me in hysterics early on Christmas morning.

Happy Boxing Day, see you all later, shame about the Beagle, poor little thing.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Happy Christmas to all my readers.

Yes, to both of you. It's still dark, early morning, I've just got back from Tesco, it was packed, usually 7.15am is reserved for me, eight shelf stackers and one sleepy checkout girl. Not so today.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas, if you find you have any spare cash after the festivities please remember that we are amongst the richest 2-3% on the planet, there are a lot of people we can help.

Christmas is of course the second most important festival in the church calendar ("What's the most important ?" Easter and the Resurrection of course!), I'll be saying a little Grace before dinner tomorrow, a traditional Yorkshire Grace goes like this.........

"We pray tat Lord ta mak us able,
ta et alt food tha's on this table"

We shall of course drink far too much good wine, Chateau Musar '91 + '94, Royal Tokaji 5 Puttunyos '96, Alpha Chardonnay '91, and try to keep the bottle of vintage Armagnac away from Mother lest she drinks the lot.

Eat, drink and be merry, love to you all, see you on Boxing Day.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Oh my head, a bottle of Deen de Bortoli Riesling, a superb bottle of Saltram '99 Barossa Shiraz, quite an amount of Royal Tokaji '96, and erm, a quantity of Absinthe, yes, it was the staff Christmas party.

The girls, Racheal, George (no guns, keep away from drugs), Cheferette Rebecca, who came dressed as a slut, but an upmarket one (her mums phrasing, not mine)

Yes, yes, there's always one acting the goat, and it's always me.

Evil barman Mike.

Childrens party entertainer Jonathon starts his infamous balloon dance. We were closed today because of flooding, I am very grateful for the weather, can I go back to bed now ?

Monday, December 22, 2003

This chap (some links not work safe) I found advertising on a.m.m.m (alt.music.marilyn-manson), looking for female goths to send him pictures of their pale and interesting breasts. He goes on to justify his mammary obsession with this well written essay on the sum total of human happiness.

On a similar topic, it has been far too long since any of Yorkshire Soul's female readership sent photo's of autographed body parts, how about something nice for Xmas (no feet though, ugh).
Koot did the wedding invitations for Mrs YS and myself, they don't appear on his site but it featured two Wyverns with tails intertwined holding scrolls with "Meg and Michael" on them.

It isn't our anniversary, I just ran across Koots site whilst surfing the interwebnet for Penedes wine, obviously I got distracted along the way.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Film Review - Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King *****

Peter Jackson, I forgive you almost all of the Dwarf jokes because, in the siege of Minas Tirith, you have created the most awesome cinematic spectacle I have ever seen. The cast of hundreds of thousands, the cavalry, the stupendous war engines ("Watch out for the flying house"), the Mumakil, Gothmog and his unpleasant skin conditions, I'm happy.

Two complaints only, I think, I would gladly have sat through the extra hour, and I suspect Christopher Lee would too, poor old sod got left on the cutting room floor, look out for the Scouring Of The Shire in next years extended money spinning version. Secondly, what was that pile of arse about Arwens life force suddenly becoming connected to Sauron's ? It made no sense whether you had read the book or not.

I have always loved big battle scenes on screen, right back to the classic Spartacus, and the race scene in the Collossium from Ben Hur, but the Battle Of The Pelenor Fields outdoes every other large scale war scene in film. The sheer size and detail of the warring armies is amazing, the violence and chaos of battle is brutally portrayed as men, orcs and horses are dispatched in their thousands.

The Mumakil in particular are brilliantly animated, monstrous walking bastions of death, sweeping their bespiked tusks along the ground to slaughter dozens of Rohirrim at one stroke.

The rest of the film is superb as well, Andy Serkis shines as the ring addict Gollum,
Shelob and the Tower of Cirith Ungol are both fantastic, the Nazgul are great (and you've got to respect any evil bloke who can wield a morningstar the size of a Mini Cooper), it's all brilliant.

What happens ? You know, the good guys win, well they do in this version, in the book, and the extended film, it will be shown (and I think this was largely the point and moral of LOTR) that evil lives on in the hearts of men, peace is bought with eternal vigilance.

Jackson did particularly well though with the short ending, avoiding the worst excesses of Hollywood he has the four Hobbits riding back through the Shire, where not only are they not welcomed home as all conquering heroes, they are actually sneered at for going off on an adventure in the first place.

The scene in the Green Dragon was nicely underplayed, again Jackson restrained himself from having one of the Hobbits making some wandering speech, the clinking of beer mugs and the wistful gazing around the happy pub made for a far more satisfying ending.

Great work Mr Jackson sir, roll on The Hobbit.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

New Idea for PETA

"Dear Peta,

After reading about your clever and tasteful stunt with Armin Miewes, the alledged German murderer and cannibal, I have come up with another brilliant bit of PR for you.

Here in Britain we have recently convicted a man called Ian Huntley, how about you send him some vegetable seeds and a gardening book and encourage him to take up a life of vegetarian horticulture instead of raping and murdering little girls ?

I thought this suited your general level of good taste,


Mike J."

I await their reply.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Not work safe, why is this motorbike being pulled over by the police ?
Complaints........A Mink writes..........

"As an upstanding, well, bellycrawling member of the woodland community I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms about yesterdays article on Yorkshiresoul in which it was claimed that Minks may be related to Muttiah Muralitharan.

Although we Mink may be the scourge of riverbank and stream, mindlessly killing and slaughtering as we go, we do at least play with a straight bat as it were, everyone knows what are, in no way do we try to pretend to be something else. In other words, we do not bowl with a bent arm.

Besides that, Charminda Vaas is my third cousin on my fathers side,


Allison Mink."

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Seperated at birth ?...............

Muttiah Muralitharan


A Mink

And for your viewing pleasure, a picture of Muri obviously not chucking the ball.

Beer Golf, I'm as bad at this as I am at the real thing.
All was set for the Ladies Section Christmas Tea. The tables were laden with home made pork pies, stollen and brandy butter, decorations were festooned from the lights, candles twinkled away amidst wreathes of holly.

As the ladies filed in, Lady President turned on the CD player so as to have some charming Christmas carol singing to accompany the meal, with the carols being a bit quiet, she has turned the volume up to full. She has however, not considered that evil chef might have swapped the Junior Male Voice Choir of St. Oswalds for Audioslave while she was out of the room.

BAM - BAM - BAM - BAM - BADANG!!! I swear she jumped three feet in the air.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Some very unsafe for work stuff, JR has kindly sent me this handy guide to bra sizes, also here is the spermbank night deposit and lastly a little cartoon featuring the Hulk.

"Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.

The body, these waterheads imagine, is a temple that should not be polluted by animal protein. It's healthier they insist, although every I've worked with is brought down by even the rumour of a cold. Oh, I'll accommodate them, I'll rummage around for something to feed them, for a 'vegetarian plate', if called on to do so. Fourteen dollars for a few slices of grilled courgette suits my food costs just fine."

If you have not read Kitchen Confidential by the dreadful/wonderful Anthony Bourdain, then you really should.
A woman takes her dog along to the cinema one day.

The manager spots them going in and, intrigued, follows them into the auditorium. As the film gets under way, the manager sits down in the same row.

He is amazed to see the dog laughing at the funny parts and crying at the sad ending. On the way out he stops the woman and says:

"Sorry, but I couldn't help noticing how much your dog enjoyed the film, that really is amazing."

The woman replied : "It certainly is, he hated the book."

Monday, December 15, 2003

Book Review - The Furies, Mike Carey - John Bolton *****

You night find this hard to believe if you have not read any of Carey's work, but Mike Carey is every inch as good as Neil Gaiman, he has taken Gaimans character Lucifer and turned it into a brilliant ongoing series with long story arcs and superb plotting and made it every bit as good as Sandman ever was.

Here he takes another character from Sandman, Lyta Hall, and subjects the poor girl to even more torment and misfortune than she suffered under Gaiman.

Lyta has drifted through life since the birth and loss of her son, she lives alone with the an empty nursery for company, the only connection she feels to the rest of humankind is through casual, meaningless sex. During one of these encounters she beats her prospective lover to a pulp and winds up under arrest, and not for the first time.

Seeking to reconnect Lyta joins a drama group on a tour to Greece, only to find she has become the Imago puppet of the Furies, and Chronos the Changer, father of the Titans, seems to have laid harmful plans for her.

John Bolton's painted artwork is fantastic, I don't know if most of the panels are posed photographs painted over (as used by Dave McKean) or if they are just painted freehand, but the whole book is beautifully detailed and realistic.

The Furies is published by Vertigo, arguably the best publisher of off the wall, adult themed comics.
Saddam Captured by Yorkshire Soul

In a strange turn of events yesterday, the worlds most evil supervillan was taken prisoner by the portly, bearded, hungover superhero Yorkshiresoul. The crazed mass murderer had been hiding out in a number of foxholes in the countryside when he was discovered by the Tyke hero.

"Apparently" said Yorkshire Soul last night, "He was hiding out in bunkers in the golf course, using my super powers of hook, slice and shank I determined his position in the first drive bunkers on the 16th and made the capture."

Residents of Myddleton and Ilkley danced and sang into the night at news of the arrest, many sent their servants out into the grounds to fire antique Purdey shotguns into the night sky.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

The Empty Plinth

In Trafalgar Square we have a number of monuments, they are, Nelson, George IV, General Sir Charles Napier, Major General Sir Henry Havelock.

Currently, one of the four plinths in the square is empty and a competition is underway to find a statue to display amongst these mighty heroes of the Empires history. The shortlist (and I promise I have not made any of this up, it is all true) is as follows........

A Mecchano skyscraper.

Anti War Protestors with 'No War' banners.

Two wooden Tomahawk missiles.

A plastic bird hotel.

A pregnant, disabled woman.

A Ford Fiesta covered in birdshit.

The Fourth Plinth, on Monday I was immensely proud to be English, Saturday morning and I'm holding my head in my hands thinking "What's wrong with us?".

Trafalgar Square is a place for heroes, I'll tell you what should be on the plinth, Johnny Wilkinson doing 'the cradle' just before he kicks the ball, or a British soldier in Iraq, or Mrs. Thatcher telling the EU to get stuffed, they're not getting any more British money.

We have heroes, we don't need childs models and birdshit, bloody artists.
Recipe of the Week : Cock au Vin

This just in from Yorkshire Soul's German correspondant Armin Meiwes...........

1) Drink lots of red wine (Good lad Armin, I'm with you so far)

2) With a sharp carving knife, cut off your cock (I'll assume that something was lost in translation here, he probably means cut up your chicken)

3) Try to staunch the bleeding whilst pan frying the penis with a little olive oil, garlic and pepper (Oh dear, I think Armin's gone off on one)

This is of course the revolting, but fascinating, case of the German Cannibal, who advertised for 'willing' victims on the net.

You might think that there are some crimes so low, so base, so repulsive, that no-one could possibly try and make publicity from it, not so feckless arseholes PETA, who, in a publicity stunt that is low even by their bottom feeding standards, sent Meiwes some tofu and a veggy cookbook.

"It would be a major coup if we could convert Meiwes to vegetarianism" said their spokesperson. While you're at it, why don't you find some pedophiles and rapists to rally to the veggy cause.

If you are still in any doubt that PETA are the most stupid people on the face of the planet, look here for PETA's bizarre attempt to link milk consumption with racism.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Another World Cup Victory!!!!!

We are the best, En-ger-land, En-ger-land!

Shamelessy stolen from bitter Kiwi Fraser.
England centre Mike Tindall tortures cats.
'Captain Fantastic' Martin Johnson steals traffic cones when he's drunk. This is a regular occurance. The staff at the Bengal Lancer curry house in Leicester are terrified of him.
New Zealand should have won.

"You fucking cheating Paki bastard" Mk.2

Or, in the alledged words of Nassar Hussien...........

"You fucking cheating chucking bastard".

Cricket, the sport of gentlemen, Tony quotes this from the Barmy Army........

"Throw, throw, throw the ball,
gently down the seam,
Murali, Murali, Murali, Murali,
chucks it like a dream"

Read more of Tony's thoughts on Muri

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Golf Photo of the Year

Yes, you've seen it before, but Karin Koch (?) kissing the glass, erm, thingy, golf doesn't get any better.

So, Left Hand Girl got in touch and voluntered to work New Years Eve, so says she has a cash flow problem (bloody students), but being the kind and generous boss I am I gave her a list of money making ideas............

Turn up to work in............

Hot Pants and boob tube = time and a half

Saucy French Maids outfit = double time

Thigh high leather boots, rubber pants and basque = name your price.

Yorkshire Soul, the poor students friend.

A quick hello to Rebecca, Robyn (of the knickers fame), Clair (aka Left hand Girl), Georgina (insane, should not be trusted with booze/guns/cars), Lisa (aka Right Hand Girl), Rachael and Carol, why arn't you lot working hard at school instead of running up my hitometer in free sessions ?

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

The following is allegedly a genuine Inland Revenue letter...

This was in The Guardian 27/9/03.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points
you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand".
This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of
accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox
onto the doormat" has been noted.
However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to
which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
gas-mongers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of
these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a
"sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned
party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in
fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent
on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores"
whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because
even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust
this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to
influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that
even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and
live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

(Thanks to JR)
What's the difference between a nail and a boxer ?
One gets knocked in, the other gets knocked out.

What do you get if you cross a witch with an ice cube ?
A cold spell.

Who carries a sack and bites people ?
Santa Jaws.

Did you hear about the teacher who married a dairymaid ?
It didn't last, they were like chalk and cheese.

When is an English teacher like a Judge ?
When she hands out long sentences.

Why was the insect thrown out of the forest ?
Because he was a litter bug.

And yes, we were serving Xmas dinners last night.

England Rugby World Cup Victory Parade in Photo's

What a great day to be English, as always the best way to watch the event was to have BBC1 providing the pictures, turn the sound off and get R5 on the radio. Ian Robertson was in fine form despite being drenched in Bollinger, his startled shout of
"Bloody hell, I've just been hit with a rugby ball" and comments like "the children are being very naughty now, they're picking on me because I'm a Scotsman and soaking me with champagne" really made the day.

Ian Robertson describes the final kick of the Cup Final

Monday, December 08, 2003

Book Review - Vurt, Jeff Noon *****

Right, pay attention. Scribble's got the hots for Desdemona, so like people do, they fuck, Des' his sister, but it doesn't matter. It does matter when they get too far in the Vurt on a dodgy yellow feather, Des vanishes and is swapped with a lumpen, six armed alien.

Experiments follow, if you eat the Aliens flesh it works like hyper ecstasy. Scribble hangs with the Stash Riders, doing Vurt feathers, drugs and low level crime, he really wants to get Des back from the Vurt, he'll try anything. Game Cat and Sniffing General won't help, the Robochef is more useful, and he gets to shag his wife in a bitch on heat dog porno vurt.

What follows is this, more fucking, lots more drugs, vurt bleeding into the real, bitch cops with big guns and shadow cops with info beams, dream snakes everywhere, blue feathers, black feathers, people shot with guns, people shot with big guns getting a bad, nay terminal case of the fractal lights, still following me?

Car chases whilst locked into the vurt, that bloody bitch cop again, revelations on vurt swapping, dogman punk/dance music, shadowgothgirls, more dreamsnakes, the Uberdog, Turdsville and all kinds of shit, taking of the illegal feather, a swap and DON'T WAKE THE SLEEPER!

Did you get all that ? No ? Read it then, it's rather good.
Quiz Answers, Week 10 of 10

1) Musically speaking, link Her Majesty The Queen, Edgar Allan Poe, Mao Tse Tsung and Sir Walter Raleigh ? They all appear in Beatles songs.

2) What links these phrases...............?

"How to recognise different types of trees from quite a long way away"
"The BBC entry to the Zinc Stoat of Budapest"

These were episode titles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus

3) Who is next in this series.............?
Sebastian Coe
Steve Ovett
Sebastian Coe
Steve Ovett
Sebastian Coe

Steve Cram, the list is the holders of the under 4 minute mile record holders.

4) In 1946, what was Stevenage ? Britains first 'New Town'.

5) What links Michael Jackson, George Weah, Zinedine Zidane, Imran Khan and Julio Iglesias ? They have all been Unicef Ambassadors.

6) What was Captain Marvel's real name ? Billy Batson.

7) What shopping experience linked Holly Valance and Natalie Imbruglia in 2003 ?

They opened the January and July sales at Harrods.

8) Where would you find Simon Tapertit, Nicodemeus Boffin and Count Smorltork ?

In novels by Dickens.

9) Bruno Nero are the middle names of which 2003 Rugby World Cup winnning English hero ? Lawrence Bruno Nero Dallaglio

10) What links Sam Neill, Sir Cliff Richard and The Dalai Lama ? They all own vineyards.

Dr.P 10 from, um, loads.
JR 5 from loads.

The final table then looks like this.............

League Table Week 10 (Name, Running Total)

1) Dr P 92
2) JR 42
3) P 19
4) Kennamatic 16
5) Sheila 14
6) Aftergrog 10
7) Trish 7
8) Andy W 5
9) Redmaiden 4
10) Penny Farthing 3

Well done Dr.P, award yourself a slap in the face with a wet haddock. The quiz returns for a second series, it does, I just don't know when yet, but when it does, make an effort everyone, especially you Tykes, don't let the prize go over the border a second time!

Friday, December 05, 2003

Scumchester Moneybags manager Sir Drunken Tramp was rushed into hospital yesterday after a minor heart scare, surgeons later said they still couldn't find one.

In other football news, Leeds United may be saved from bankruptcy by wealthy oil baron Sheikh Yamonie. The super rich Bahrainian also has shares in Al Jazeera, Ali Baba's Curry House and Al Qaeeda.

He has said that a few minor changes may have to be made, such as the home ground being switched to Camel Fart - Bahrain, Eddie Gray being replaced with Yamonie's half cousin Sheik Yatodga and the entire first team being sacked and replaced with these unknowns, fine by me then.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

(Thanks to JR)
Wahey, three days off in a row. I've done a bit of shopping, dinner and D&D with the gang at J+C's house which included reading/singing (dubious) poetry to little Stephen, and projectile vomiting from Nats, guaranteed to round off any dinner party.

Monday, sorted out a mortgage, yes, we've bought a new Yorkshire Soul mansion, we were running out of servant space in the last one, my boot polisher was having to double up with the man that puts the toothpaste on my brush.
Then out for lunch with Mrs YS, little sister and her children, then babysitting for the children.

Tuesday, went to see Master and Commander, very good, rather frightening battle scenes, it would appear that you really don't want to be onboard a wooden ship being bombarded, splinters anyone? Then an evening in, pizza and movies, Bruce Almighty (harmless but hardly inspired), Pirates Of The Caribbean (insane/genius performance from Johnny Depp, all the acting ability of a plank from Orlando Bloom, but a great fun movie.
We finished the evening by watching half of the extended dvd version of Lord Of The Rings : The Two Towers, run away now to avoid moaning anorak...............

It did seem a shame that they cut Tom Bombadil (and the wights) from the first film, I can see why, it would have added another twenty minutes and doesn't add vastly to the story. I was surprised then when Treebeard lays the hobbits down to sleep and says.....

"Fear no nightly noises", aha, Tom's line. Then they get swallowed by a tree and have to be rescued by the Ent, if you have not read the book then this all makes perfect sense, if on the other hand you're a fan, or an anorak, this mixing together of two of the books great characters seems a little pointless.

So far the added and extended scenes seem pretty good though, the meeting up of the Orcs of Sauron and the Orcs of the White Hand features early on, and this certainly helps to understand the infighting that occurs between the Orcs later on.

I am very sorry though for all the folk that purchased the 'original film version' that was released some months ago and now find that they haven't got the full story after all, it's nothing but a dirty rip off.

Monday, December 01, 2003

The Paris Hilton Sex Video

People everywhere who don't read Hello had bever heard of the beanpole, two fried eggs chested Paris until she filmed herself making her boyfriend happy, this edited version of the video is more or less safe for work.
Michael Jackson is being investigated for drugs. During the Neverland raid, police found class As, class Bs, and all the male members of class 5C.

Where's Michael going on holiday?
He's off to Tampa with the kids.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

How do kids at Neverland know when it's bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What does Michael hand round after dinner?
The under-eights

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony.
Usually he just tosses them off.

What do Michael and Wal-mart have in common?
They both have boys briefs half-off

Jacko's wife has just given birth to a baby boy.
"How long before we start having sex?" asks Michael.
Doctor: "I'd wait until he's at least 14"

(Shamelessly stolen from Popbitch)

Sunday, November 30, 2003

The Yorkshire Soul Quiz - Week 10 of 10

Ok then, so we all know Dr.P is an all round smartypants and has won by a mile, but get your answers in on or before next Friday Dec 5th, via e-mail please, get your brains worked up for the second series.

1) Musically speaking, link Her Majesty The Queen, Edgar Allan Poe, Mao Tse Tsung and Sir Walter Raleigh ?

2) What links these phrases...............?

"How to recognise different types of trees from quite a long way away"
"The BBC entry to the Zinc Stoat of Budapest"

3) Who is next in this series.............?
Sebastian Coe
Steve Ovett
Sebastian Coe
Steve Ovett
Sebastian Coe

4) In 1946, what was Stevenage ?

5) What links Michael Jackson, George Weah, Zinedine Zidane, Imran Khan and Julio Iglesias ?

6) What was Captain Marvel's real name ?

7) What shopping experience linked Holly Valance and Natalie Imbruglia in 2003 ?

8) Where would you find Simon Tapertit, Nicodemeus Boffin and Count Smorltork ?

9) Bruno Nero are the middle names of which 2003 Rugby World Cup winnning English hero ?

10) What links Sam Neill, Sir Cliff Richard and The Dalai Lama ?

Saturday, November 29, 2003

"Oh no", they groan, it's another Jailbabe, or some teeny pop band that Yorkshire Soul's going to plague us with for the next few months, but no, look closely my friends at this gorgeous specimen of the human form, then allow this thought to creep in to your mind........................meat and two veg, yes honestly.
Aftermath of a suicide.

It's rare that I would post something like this, after all it pretty much falls in to the territory of sicko sites like Rotten, but sometimes amongst the fluff and frivolity of Yorkshire Soul we need to be reminded of the harsh realities of life.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

  1. Concert:: in the park
  2. Sydney:: was a very naughty boy, he had to be spnaked severely
  3. Shower:: me with presents you wonderful people
  4. Patterns:: on the inside of my eyelids when I lie awake in the dark
  5. Market:: Garden
  6. Chair:: the white one made from bones in the Iain Banks novel
  7. London:: decadance and sin, I'm on the next train
  8. Reception:: room for two please
  9. Republican:: never, staunch Monarchists only
  10. Cough:: IDS, hasn't he left the building yet

What ?? Blame I Am A Doughnut for linking to this.
Jacques Chirac made a spurious claim that Englands victory over Australia was "A great victory for Northern Europe", hot on the heels of this utter balderdash I'm pleased to present some other great political claims.

"Holocaust doing wonders for race relations," says Hitler.

"This is a vindication of my modern, strategic, military thinking," Napoleon, Waterloo.

"Bubonic plague improving the health of Catholic Europe," claims Pope.
It was reported that Jacques chirac caused a minor diplomatic gaffe earlier this week when he showed the press a picture of PM Blair's youngest son Leo, the Blairs have fiercely protected the privacy of their junior offspring, unlike Euan who makes regular appearances in the tabloids.

Euan goes shopping

Euan goes on the tube

Euan's Saturday night

Earlier on Saturday

Leo follows in elder brothers footsteps.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I used to worry that Yorkshire Soul had become a little one dimensional, my search logs choked up with hundreds of combinations of Tatu - naked - schoolgirl - lesbian - sex.

A quick check of my search log this morning reveals the wide and far ranging blog that Yorkshire Soul has become, according to Google you could find any or all of the following somwhere in the archives...............

Sexy schoolgirl outfits - hopefully with sexy schoolgirls still in them.

Freakish Yorkshire Terriers - Yorkies are crap dogs.

George Bush/The Sun - If it's in depth political commentary you're looking for, you are on the wrong track

Tatu porn - bless you sir, it's pervs like yourself that make all the hard work worthwhile.

The witty sayings of electricians - like when they say that'll be £50 for an hours tea drinking.

Koch's Snowflake Theory - you know..... conjecture becomes myth becomes accepted fact.

The hairiest bush in Italy - along with pictures of Kelly naked and a device to measure your penis.

To end, a quick note for some surfers, I have no pictures of Mongolian girl slut sex, and I'm baffled as to either why you are searching for Andrew Taylor's underwear, or why you might think I know where he's lost them.
What sort of party games did you play as a teenager, aside from all the obvious drinking ones we had a 'game' where everyone brought a can of food with the label taken off, they were placed in a bin, when everyone was suitably pissed and hungry you had to pick a can at random, open it up and eat the contents.

If you were of a particularly evil mindset you might have brought a tin of Pedigree Chum sans label, and Davina Richardson might have picked it from the bin, eaten one small forkfull, and started to cry. Obviously I didn't do this, I was just there when it happened, no really, you've got to believe me.
The football world was rocked further last week when a Manchester United player took part in an international match.

A spokesman for Scumchester said.........."Obviously Ferguson meant to withdraw Ryan Giggs with a spurious injury claim before the match, but with all the fuss over his racehorse he just forgot."

The Scumchester manager, affectionately known to Leeds fans as 'The Drunken Tramp', says he has no plans to allow and Scummers to play for England, he claimed that the Neville brothers were scheduled to have flu during Euro '04, whilst Paul Scholes was down for an operation on his troublesome bank balance.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Aargh, I've had a virus, a data miner and page grabber all at once, just to be safe, don't open any e-mails that I've sent in the last two months.
Leeds United Footballer In New Scandal

The press were camped outside Paul Robinsons Leeds home last night as yet another scandal hit bottom of the table LUFC.

Professor Boffin, LUFC Chairman, read a tense statement at Elland Road this morning in which he said the Leeds management would investigate the claims made in yesterdays tabloids.

The Daily Rag broke the story yesterday when it claimed that....."After training, Robinson often goes home for a cup of tea and watches Countdown"

Boffin said in reply "Obviously we expect our players to be out molesting members of the public, mainlining heroin and murdering small animals, if these claims are true then Robinson is clearly setting a poor example to the rest of the team."

Robinson appeared shocked when confronted by reporters.

"It's all lies," he said. "I watched Debbie Does Donkeys with two hookers, drank twelve bottles of WKD and then went out and mugged two old ladies."
Calling Australia - WAHEY!!

Australia descending into a state of national shock this morning as their rugby team (which included an extra man for 80mins in the form of the referee) was beaten by the mighty England side.

Many Australians wept in disbelief as Jason Robinson crossed the line to score a try, Australia as a whole had thought that England could only kick points (despite running in dozens of tries earlier in the competition, weird that).

The match was sealed when super Johnny Wilkinson kicked a drop goal in extra time and ensured that England became the first northern hemisphere side to lift the World Cup.

Rumours have surfaces that Australia are pressing for rule changes to world rugby, out man on the spot Andy W has found a list of the rule proposals..................

Rule 23: Matches involving an England XV
1) Whereas general matches are decided by number of points scored,
England must not only score more points but also run in a superior
number of tries to be awarded a victory.

2) Games in which England score more points than the opposition in the
Southern Hemisphere shall be considered void. (This is a recent
amendment, replacing the long-standing law that games won at Twickenham
are void. The older version was found inadequate to the developing
situation. This law may be subject to further revision at the end of

3) Games in which England score more points than the opposition with
Jonny Wilkinson on the pitch shall be considered void.

4) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and in
which any England player, supporter or indeed national offend any
player, supporter or national of the opposition or for that matter any
other country, by so much as a poorly timed sneeze, shall be considered

5) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the
opposition are at the beginning or end of their season shall be
considered void.
6) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the
prevailing weather and conditions bear so much as the faintest
resemblance to that in which most England players normally play shall be
considered void. Otherwise called the "Maori Rule"

7) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and a
member of the opposition is sent off or sin-binned for foul play shall
be considered void. To play against fewer than XV men is unsporting,
whatever the reason. Should England have a member of their team sent off
or sin-binned, refer to law 4 above.

8) In games in which England score more points than the opposition, but
in which the opposition score last, the opposition are deemed to have
finished the game the stronger and are therefore deemed the winners.
Otherwise known as the "Wellington Rule" see also "Moral victory".

9) If England selects Martin Johnson in their side, they will be deemed
to have brought the game into disrepute through violent conduct. The
opposition will be awarded the match and Johnson will be banned for six

10) If any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that, in
a game that they 'won', England was the better side and deserved to win,
the game shall be considered void.

11) Similarly, if any England player, official or supporter ever
suggests that England might win their pool in any Rugby World Cup, they
will be accused of insufferable arrogance, bringing the game into
disrepute and England will be thrown out of the aforementioned
tournament forthwith.

12) Games that England lose shall be considered tests, whatever the
nature of the game, opposition or composition of the England XV, and
shall count in the test statistics of played/won/lost. In the (unlikely)
event of England winning a game it shall be considered at best a
friendly A international and counted as such. Laws 23:1 to 23:10
inclusive have no relevance in the event of England scoring less points
than the opposition, nor should they be applied in any way to the
circumstances or behaviour of the opposition

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

England (and soon to be Chelsea) manager, Sven Goran Ericson has said this morning that he has serious doubts over the state of the pitch in Macedonia...........

(Thanks to Andy W)

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Here is a little game for you, make the monkeys dive from the cliff, is you miss the waves they splatter all over the pointy rocks, probably not for small children.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Note to my D&D players, please don't worship satan, cast spells in the real world, or hang yourself in your bedroom when Jubilex reduces your character to a puddle of ooze.

Gosh, I've grown up listening to heavy metal and playing Dungeons & Dragons, it's a surprise that I didn't either kill myself or climb a water tower with a hunting rifle. This bloke is obviously a nitwit, playing games and belief in God are not mutually exclusive.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Plugged Ball Stops Play

In golf yes, but cricket? This was the unlikely situation in the 1st test between the Windies and Zimbabwe when a practice shot careered across the field and was pressed into the wicket by the roller. I've been looking into previous occasions in which unusual events halted play.

WI v. India, play was held up for 2 hours due to the late arrival of the home team, it was later claimed that they had extreme difficulty in fitting Brian Lara's ego on the team bus.

Pakistan v. Australia, play was delayed for 42 minutes when when Shane Warne became wedged in the players gate, after a good rub down with ghee the portly spin bowler finally made it out to the wicket.

England v. South Africa, play was delayed for over an hour when captain Mike Atherton failed to arrive at Lords, he was later found in a builders merchants purchasing sand.
The Quiz - Week 9 of 10 Answers

If you want to see the pictures again, look at Monday the 10ths post.

1) 'Ipsa quidem pretium virtus sibi', it's latin, what does it say ? 'Virtue Is Its Own Reward'

2) This is a 'Real Time Strategic Urban Drainage Network Model', no honestly it is, but which town/city is this, big clue, it is British ? Bolton

3) Born in 1953 he became the best downhill skier of all time with a record 35 World Cup wins, he got an Olympic gold in 1976 and was World Cup Downhill Champion 5 times, name him ? Franz Klamer (and a bloody awful pun Dr.P)

4) Which British city does this coat of arms belong to ? Leeds

5) Which island group does Christmas Island belong to, and which nation is it part of ? The Line Islands, Northern Territories, Australia.

6) You're here because you wouldn't drink...................? Milk.

7) ETA, they plant bombs and kill people, but what does ETA stand for, and what does it mean in English ? Euskadi Ta Askatasuna - Basque Homeland and Freedom

8) Who is this monkey ? One of the unemployed, hoorah. Peter Reid. All together now.......(to the tune of Yellow Submarine) Peter Reids got a fucking monkeys head, a fucking monkeys head, a fucking monkeys head.

9) Who is this ? Rudyard Kipling (Do you like Kipling ? I don't know, I've never kippled)

10) A pretty looking city all lit up, where is this ? Brussels.

JR roars in to this weeks 1st place with 10 from a possible 11, Dr.P's fine run of form gets him second place with 8, Trish (Saeri) gets 7. I thought the Bolton question was impossible, bah to Google Images.

League Table Week 9 (Name, Running Total)

1) Dr P 82
2) JR 37
3) P 19
4) Kennamatic16
5) Sheila 14
6) Aftergrog 10
7) Trish 7
8) Andy W 5
9) Redmaiden 4
10) Penny Farthing 3

Friday, November 14, 2003

How Well Do You Know Your Friends

Sheila poses this question via e-mail, but I'm having a short on inspiration week so you're getting a Yorkshiresoul Friday 38.

1. What time is it?...... 07.40 AM
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Michael Andrew Jarvis
3. Nicknames: Does Uncle Mikey count ?
4. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? 36
5. Pets: None
6. Hair color: Brown, rapidly turning white
7. Piercing: both ears and a prince albert
8. Eye color: brown, often bloodshot
9. Hometown: Burley-In-Wharfedale, Yorkshire
10. Town you live in: Ilkley, Yorkshire
11. Favorite foods: Chinese, fillet steak + pepper sauce, lobster, paella, tapas, chocolate, wine
12. Ever been to Africa: Do the Canary Islands count ?
13. Been toilet papering: What the bloody hell sort of question is this ? Is it asking about my DIY credentials, or is it an Andrex vs Izal thing ?
14. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes
15. Been in a car accident? Yes
16. Croutons or bacon bits? Both
17. Favorite day of the week: Pay day
18. Favorite restaurant: La Ciao Bella - Via Vettori - Rome, Greco's - Ilkley, Bistro Fiori - Leeds
19. Favorite flower? The glorious White Rose of my beloved Yorkshire
20. Favorite sport to watch? Cricket
21. Favorite drink: Chateau Musar 1991
22. Favorite ice cream flavor? Dark chocolate, or proper vanilla with seeds
23. Disney or Warner Bros? Don't care
24. Favorite fast food restaurant? I'm not exactly a fast food fan, but I'll go for KFC
25. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
26. How many times did you fail your driving test? 0.
27. Before this one, whom did you get your last e-mail from? JR
28. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card ? Travelling Man
29. What do you do most often when you are bored? Potter about on the net, read books, watch military history documentaries on the history channel.
30. Most annoying thing people ask me: "Could I have some salt please?" to which I always think "Have you bloody well tasted it yet?"
31. Bedtime: Generally about midnight, unless I'm still at work.
32. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? Pete
33. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to
respond? Pol Pot
34. Favorite TV shows? Buffy, Millenium, CSI
35. Last person you went out to dinner with? Mrs YS, last time we hosted a dinner (of sorts) we had 35 guests, fizz whizz bang oy!
36. Ford or Chevy? Don't do cars, I drive a crappy Rover that doubles in value when I fill it with petrol.
37. What are you listening to right now? Placebo - Black Market Music and Muse - Absolution.
38. What is your favorite color? Black
39. Time you finished this email? 7.55am

Tee hee, thanks to JR.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Can you see the quiz pictures now ? E-mail me with your answers if you want to come 2nd or 3rd behind Dr.P. If you still can't see the pictures, well, just have a mad guess.

Monday, November 10, 2003

And the Lord sayeth...........

(Thanks to Kitteh)
Fizz Whizz Bang Oy!

As my Godson Joe says, that is the sound a firework makes. Last night we had our annual firework extravaganza, lit up the night sky and frightened the fur off small woodland creatures for miles around.

It was a good night, much wine/ale/lager/pie 'n peas were consumed by all, assorted small people (Joshua, Steven, Joseph and Ellie toddling to keep up) ran in circles around the dinner table all night much to the amusement of all, baby Natalie sat on about 20 different laps and smiled and gurgled happily all night.

All the Chefettes/Black and Whites attended and many comments were passed by the men present about what a lucky sod I am to work with such a bevy of beauties, sadly Robyn's knickers were not on view but I'm sure JR would like me to point out..........nice builders arse there girl!

Amusing highlight..........we have security coded doors to get in to the building, so father in law potters off to the loo and decides to see what's on the other side of the door, as the door closes behind him he realizes too late he doesn't know the code and spends 40 minutes locked in the hallway until Mrs. YS rescues him, how we all laughed.

Great fun, thanks to everyone who came, cheers to Kev for helping me blow up half of Myddleton, and finally, who ate all the pies ? Andrew.
The Quiz - Week 9 of 10

1) 'Ipsa quidem pretium virtus sibi', it's latin, what does it say ?

2) This is a 'Real Time Strategic Urban Drainage Network Model', no honestly it is, but which town/city is this, big clue, it is British ?

3) Born in 1953 he became the best downhill skier of all time with a record 35 World Cup wins, he got an Olympic gold in 1976 and was World Cup Downhill Champion 5 times, name him ?

4) Which British city does this coat of arms belong to ?

5) Which island group does Christmas Island belong to, and which nation is it part of ?

6) You're here because you wouldn't drink...................?

7) ETA, they plant bombs and kill people, but what does ETA stand for, and what does it mean in English ?

8) Who is this monkey ?

9) Who is this ?

10) A pretty looking city all lit up, where is this ?

Saturday, November 08, 2003

British Athlete In Drugs Scandal

Superstar British all rounder Yorkshiresoul faced a two year ban from athletics yesterday as his 'b' sample tested positive for a performance enhancing substance.

"I never knowingly drank water" Yorkshiresoul protested yesterday. "I have a rigorous training programme designed to ensure that my veins run with a blend of cabernet, shiraz and merlot, I'm not a water cheat."

It now looks likely that Yorkshiresoul will face a lengthy competition ban, a lifetime ban from the olympics, and may have his gold medals for his two world championship wins in the 'Double Fish and Chips, Peas and a Battered Sausage' and his speciality 'Extra Large Kebab, Plenty Chilli Sauce, Go Easy On The Salad', removed.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

There's a sort of funny story over on Gaubancex about a bloke who ate garden slugs for a $20 bet. I feel that this may be the right time to reveal that I once drank half a cup of blood for a paltry £5 bet.

This came about after frightening the waiting staff by eating a slice of raw fillet steak to prove to them how good and tasty it was. When you take the fillets out of their plastic wrappers there is always a small amount of fresh blood left in the packaging.

The waitresses, certain that there were some limits to my carnivorous insanity, poured the blood into a mug and presented it to me along with a motley collection of coins dredged from the lower recesses of their purses.

Blood tastes like liquid, raw fillet, but richer and a little oily, down in one and enough spare cash for a bottle of plonk, oh, and a lot of screaming from the black and whites.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Whilst on my random blogsurf the other day I came across Albino Blacksheep which has all sorts of fun and entertaining thingies.

For instance, it has these dancing badgers, with a mushroom and a snake, which is quirky, amusing and odd.

Secondly, it has these dancing badgers with large flaps of skin missing and a nasty looking leering bloke in the background, which is just fucking scary.

From the left then, Dr. Loosen Riesling 2000 (Mosel-Saar-Ruwer), fantastic, full, mouthfilling, off dry German wonder with bags of ripe melon. Served with Mrs. YSouls superb chilli crab linguine, for those who like chilli flavours without heat, use Peppadew chillis, sweet and flavour packed without searing the surface of your tongue. I won't mention that mum in law ate her starter with two forks, where were these people brought up ?

Forbes Family Estate Oak Aged Chardonnay (Victoria) 2002, this was ok, a tiny bit bland as chard goes, it struggled a little against the chilli-crab combination.

Grant Burge 'Filsell' Old Vine Shiraz '99 (Barossa), huge big black beast, deepest purple in colour, big on the nose, massive in the mouth, packed full of very ripe, peppery berries, smooth, concentrated. Served with locally shot pheasant, from the Beamsley Shoot (Cheers Colin), braised for hours and finished with brandy and cream. Roast pots, sweetheart cabbage, carrot and swede puree, sugar snaps, brocolli and baby corn.

Cheeseboard of mostly British cheeses, then coffee and Salika, a nice coffee liquer from Germany, darker and more bitter than most coffee liquers, lovely.

British super hero blokes Sir Ranulph Fiennes and Dr Mike Stroud pictured after finishing the New York marathon, their seventh marathon is seven days, the full story on these awesome men may be found at The Times Online.
Quite pointless, the Yorkshire Soul mirror site.

Thanks to Simon.

This is Petra. Cute isn't she, quite hot, what a babe, and the best news is...........she wants to meet men, in ten years time, interests include picnics (one location only), swimming and sightseeing (well, looking through the barbed wire fence anyway) and trafficking in controlled substances, yes you've guessed, it's another Jailbabes site.

Monday, November 03, 2003

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The reality of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full
of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was, don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "Who?".

"That was Thora Hird."

Thanks (I think) to JR.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

A quick blogsurf, starting with new girl to the linklist Dorna from Saint Lucia, she's reporting the great news that the Cricket World Cup 2007 will now stay in the West Indies and won't be going to Australia, hoorah!

From Dorna's Good Eggs list I pop over to Unrealistic Expectations where Russ' wife is having contractions, but even better, Insane Clown Posse are playing the theatre opposite his work and Russ provides plenty of pics of people painted up like utter twats, highly amusing.

Via the "Last 5 URL's (where I added my own of course)" I selected Goobita, hmmm, ok, Laura posts photo's of her cat and links to some ultra violent Japanese tv show, onwards then.

Birdherder, "the sky was smoky. the big fires to the east and north have made santa monica and west l.a. smell like something is burning. " Yes mate, something is burning, your entire bloody state, hasn't he seen the news ? Also Birdherders photolog thingy sits over the main blog so you can't read the most recent entry, oh well, maybe he's burned to death by now.

And finally this morning, Albino Blacksheep, which turns out to be a links list/download site with lots of amusing games, short films and oddities, enjoy.

Another lovely Ilkley sunset.
Silence Of The Lambs

Saturday, November 01, 2003

First day of the hunting season today, hunts up and down the country are expecting loads of hunt followers to come out and protest/support, I can't get out today but I wish all the hunts well, especially the nice folk we have met mink hunting during the summer.

The Countryside Alliance