Thursday, October 31, 2002

I went out shopping the other day and came back with a haul of SF, Jeff Noon, Stephen Baxter, Rob Grant, Ken Macleod and Richard Morgan, then, oh joy, a package came from the F+SF book club with two Robert Holdstck novels, Mythago Wood and Gate Of Ivory (boys, can someone lend me Lavondyss, Hollowing and Merlin's Wood?), here are all Robert Holdstocks books, he does write under a heap of other names, the Robert Faulcon novels are pretty good. Here also is a link to the Ansible Archives, Dave Langfords guide to all that is good and bad in SF.
Despite this tragic news, I still find it hard to feel sorry for Courtney Love.
I see famous people, sort of. There I was, pottering around Leeds, when a tall young man with a curly mop of ginger hair caught my eye, sadly my neurons don't fire fast enough for these situations and I was back in the car before I said to Mrs YSoul "Ere, that was Ryan Sidebottom that was", and I didn't even get a chance to tell him bloody awful Yorkshire were last season. In this pic I have no idea what Ryan is doing, he may be praying to Mecca, caught up in a mini typhoon, or the new Nirvana song is being played on the PA system at Headingley.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Go on Craig White, la la la la la, we're gonna win the ashes. I know I have a lot of American readers, and they won't have a clue about cricket, Craig White or the Ashes, well over the winter I'll try to teach them about the best sport in the world, starting with the quite brilliant Barmy Army guide to field placings. Here is a simple explanation of the game of cricket, including the highly amusing in-out rules thingy you get on tea towels and the like.

Mrs. Yorkshiresoul would like to suggest a rules change for football. Whenever a player is deemed to be acting like a 'big soft puff' (see Chelsea and the Italian national team), rolling around on the pitch after being breathed on by more hardy types (see Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Lee Bowyer etc.), they will be carted off the pitch on the stretcher. After reaching the touchline and injured player may be substituted, uninjured players however, those cheating (see Arsenal, Scum U) players who immediately bound off the stretcher ready for action will have to sit out the rest of that half of the match in the dugout.
As a rule change I think its eminently sensible, cheats and their teams will be punished, sadly it means we will spend half the season with Harry Kewell taking an early bath, but hey ho. Considering this, I would like to bring in a second rules change..........whenever Harry Kewell does one of those annoying back passes, or something unnecessarily complex that results in the ball being passed to an opposing player, I'm allowed to birch him.

And lastly, because it wouldn't be YS without a pointless link, here is the human clock.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

A Dangerous Childhood : Coins On The Railway Line
Up at the top of the village there was a footbridge over the railway line, and although fenced off, access to the line itself was not difficult for the more adventurous child. I can't remember who's idea this was, but someone came back from Blackpool with a tuppence they had put through one of those presses that stretch and flatten the coin and print the Blackpool Tower on it. We thought that the 3.14 from Ilkley would have pretty much the same effect as a coin press, so up we went with pockets filled with coins, we popped one on the track, hid behind the supporting arch of the bridge and waited for a train.

The train came and went, and lo and behold our coin was thinner, it was also curvy and shiny to boot. In time for the next train we had laid out a row of coins on the track, one for each of the half dozen or so lads who were participating in this latest madcap scheme. the next train went past and we were all rewarded with a thin, curvy, shiny coin.

Obviously our activity wasn't dangerous enough, oh no. A new idea was touted, and rapidly accepted, a brave volunteer went forth and placed a stack of two pence pieces on the track, we waited. A train came, it hit the stack of coins, they didn't go all thin and curvy and shiny, no, they spewed off the track like little copper bullets, ricocheting off the bridge and embedding themselves at some velocity into the grass banking behind us.

At this point some sense of self preservation kicked in, also the train driver had seen us and would no doubt halt at the signal box to report us, we did the sensible thing and ran away. Looking back on this as an adult I can't believe quite how stupid we were, I don't know if a train could be derailed by something so small as a stack of coins, but I do think they would have punctured young flesh quite neatly if we hadn't have got behind the bridge in time. This was to be the first and last time we tried this, although our adventures with the railways were not quite over, I mean, we had a big torch, and the tunnel wasn't that long, was it ?
Another dose of this madness here.

Monday, October 28, 2002

It is a fabulous day in the Yorkshire Dales today, bright winter sun, scudding clouds, a day off, actually, I might just take all week off.

I was going to write a little thing about everyone having a book in them, then link to a page showing a man eating a book, oh how you would laugh, but I couldn't find one. I seem to recall there was a Frenchman called mange-tout who got barred from the Guinness book for eating bicycles, aeroplanes and passing shoppers, but I can't find him either. What I could find includes this piece of weirdness involving Voltaire, Newton, anti-semitism and shop-lifting, also this, which is just bloody freaky, I also came across this man, make sure you get in the buffet queue before him, and oh dear, here he is again but eating brains, yes brains, and finally, Jay Thomas and Jaymes are bloaters of the first order, Blake Wehlage may be desperate for the toilet, but he better hope he gets there before Dave Gass' backside blows up.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Now that you've fired your pumpkin from your home made artillery piece, what should you do with it next ? Bill Patton became sexually attracted to his pumpkin, he thought it was a swell idea, neighbors and police did not.
You may have heard that 'barking mad' Grimsby Labour MP Austin Mitchell has changed his name by deed poll to Austin Haddock, in order to highlight problems facing the fishing industry, right. At a mixed function last week, where the guests didn't know each other, Mr. Fishname was a topic of conversation, "fool", "laughable", "idiot", "pointless".
"I disagree" said a lady.
"No-one will take him seriously" the man replied.
"I would" (I was pouring coffee, I had seen her name tag).
"Don't be so silly" he pressed on oblivious to the chasm that had opened up.
"My name is Samantha" she said. (It was, and then some, by now I can see what's coming and have poured coffee into cup, saucer and tablecloth).
"He's just an attention seeking moron with a bloody stupid name" and the gent plunged over the precipice.
"Samantha Halibut" she said. (I made my escape during the ensuing silence).

Saturday, October 26, 2002

You just wouldn't, not even as a joke, there is no excuse, I mean, call a shop this and you may attract the wrong clientele.
Kerrang, which will be the subject of future rants, has published a list of the ten stupidest bands of all time. Mature readers will point out that these are the self same bands that K has used to sell copy for the last two decades, I suppose its not biting the hand that feeds until they make a comeback tour. The bands featured are there for all the wrong reasons, we expect them to mainline vodka, eat neat crack for breakfast and do unspeakable things with fish and groupies, what is unacceptable is the following...........
1) Kurt Cobain - world dominating band, rich beyond the dreams of avarice, beautiful young daughter, swallows a shotgun.
2) Little Angles - after achieving 5 top ten hits (from the same album!!!), decide that breaking up is the way to go.
3) Slipknot - Shitting on stage, I'd force him to eat it up with a teaspoon.
4) Wildhearts - combined career suicide of digesting own bodyweight in heroin, and the 'Endless, Nameless' album.
5) Guns 'N Roses - bloated double album followed by yearly promises of tours that never quite got off the ground, and swapping Slash for a guitarist called, and I kid you not, 'Buckethead', because he, er, well, wears a bucket on his head.
6) Vince Neil (Motley Crue) - killed his friend in drunk driving accident (should probably be higher in the list, but hey ho)
7) Deicide/Cradle of Filth/all black metal - idiot satanic fuckwits, come round my house and meet Mr.Cricket Bat you losers, who remembers Glen Benton burning an inverted cross onto his forehead, MWAHAHAHAHA.
I'm sure there are dozens of others (I never even mentioned the Spice Girls), let me know.
Bad news, whilst reading Andre Domine's tome on Wine on top of a tall building yesterday, I dropped it and killed someone. Good news, DNA testing has revealed it was Arthur Scargill, so no real loss there then. But this terminal literary velocity accident got me thinking, who would you like to kill with a weighty book ? And with which book ? Next time I get a chance I'm going to drop the combined Wisden Alamanac on to Shane Warne, followed by the official and unofficial biographies of Margaret Thatcher aimed squarely at David Blunkett (great, he won't even see them coming!!).

Friday, October 25, 2002

Are you an avid reader ? Much as some people can remember the convoluted plotlines of up to a half dozen soaps at any time, I do the same with books, my current reading list is as follows.........

Chasm City - Alastair Reynolds, good SF, better than Revelation Space

Travels With My Radio - Fi Glover, R5Live presenter potters around the globe finding obscure radio stations

Teach Yourself HTML in 24 hours - Dick Oliver, it isn't sinking in

Wine - Andre Domine, this is the definition of a tome, it would kill you if dropped from a tall building

How To Dunk A Doughnut (The Science of Everyday Life) - Len Fisher, obviously I skipped right to the final chapter....The Physics of Sex

Appetite - Nigel Slater, sod Jamie 'Bloody' Oliver, here's a chef that understands real food

Rough Guides to Paris, Barcelona, Rome - ready for my holidays, wahey

As I find it impossibly difficult to follow soap plotlines, could anyone tell me what has become of Nick Cotton ? Oh, and the lad from Eastenders who had AIDS for about 20 years, did he finally die or what ? (Mark something? He was Tucker in Grange Hill)
Ever worry that you stand out in the crowd ? Do you just want to be like veryone else, help is it hand because Dean and Nigel can help you to blend in.
I'm a bit loath to plug Dave as he's consistently funnier than me, but if you havn't already caught the vibe, then pop over to Davezilla, America's best blog. The best British blog, according to the Guardian anyway (and they gave him a grand for it!) is Scaryduck. Another great blog, but in a far more serious line is Wetlog.
The Friday Five

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind? Wine, dinner with friends, hiking.

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands? Open a bottle of wine.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells? Coffee, chocolate, when P + J and myself were regulars at the Conservative Club you could smell the curry house next door as we walked down the street, especially good on a cold night.

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself? Either, I see far too little of my friends, and my job forces me into days off when everyone else is working so I've become fairly happy on my ownsome.

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't? Napalm bombing vast tracts of the Korean jungle.

6. Did you prefer this weeks Friday Five, or last weeks ? I think last week when I ignored the real questions and just made up a load of stuff seemed more fun somehow, except I cheated on question 5 this week, that was ok.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Oh no, yes, bugger, clam down indeed. Of course I meant to write 'clam down' rather than 'calm down', its a Tykeism, albeit one I've just invented. So, clam down, we're 100-odd for six, everything is going according to plan, Craig White is on his way to save the day.

I'm in need of cheering up, and good friend Patrick has helped out, first he has pointed out that I can't dance for toffee and therefore recomends a quick trip to the Gothic School of Dance, and if flailing around the dancefloor like Siouxsie Sioux on a bad trip doesn't do it for you then rest assured that there are always people out there constructing long range artillery using large gourds as ammunition, happy now ? As a pig in Old Trafford.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I was just perusing the Top Secret Animal Attack Files (purely for my readers education and titillation you understand) when I came across this, described as a !!!Reign of Terror!!!, this crazed beast was finally killed by brave police officers, reading between the lines, its immense bloodlust was fueled by alopecia, yes, that's right, it was a squirrel. Personally I'm more frightened of Tigers, and the police, especially when they work together!!!
Ok, ok, clam down, don't panic. It's all been planned in advance, Nasser knows what he's doing. I know we fielded a pretty good side, and I know three of their players were over 50 (runs and years, bah), yes and Harmison has bowled one of the longest overs in cricketing history, but its ok, we're just lulling the Aussies into a false sense of security. Gluttons for punishment can check out the Lilac Hill scorecard. You can check out the sorry tale of the last Ashes series here. If all that was just too depressing, cheer yourself up by purchasing a Barmy Army Ashes shirt, that'll do nicely.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Ah, Eleanor Rigby. It occurs to me that some of you may well be in search of lurve, good news, Dr. Love is in, I am here to help.
First, the very popular Russian brides, this is Irina #29566 and I think she just might be looking for a British husband, if you think Irina's educational standards may not be quite up to yours then you probably need the matchmaking site for Oxbridge folk or in a similar vein friends who like classical music might be right up your street. I'm actually getting a little concerned for our most educated set, they obviously have problems getting together, here's another site they could try Ivory Towers, don't they have pubs in Oxbridge ?
Maybe all that highbrow stuff isn't for you, what you want is more Russian babes, and who wouldn't ? Or perhaps a young wife from the Phillipines is your thing, you can't beat this site (apparently), it was featured in the critically acclaimed 'A Bride Too Far' and was the focus of a front page story in the Phillipine Enquirer, although they don't quote the article in question, why would that be? They do score points though for the quite lovely cupid and hearts that replace your mouse pointer. Finally, maybe it's just a good price your looking for, in that case head over to the Stack 'em high, Sell 'em cheap Brides Warehouse. Have fun now.
There has been a discussion raging amongst the waiters, and it is this.........Is April Levigne fit? Now obviously I have ben unable to join in the heated debate as the young lady in question appears to be 14 years old. However, waiter Henry has revealed that the burgeoning pop/rock babe is 'at least' 16 years of age, so to answer the question, April Levigne is fit, well, for a midget that is. A midget who has spent far too much time listening to Alanis Morisette.

Monday, October 21, 2002

I've got a draft of the 'Abuse/Comment on my taste in..' site up and running at the link shown, it's a bit bare at the moment, will fill in as time allows.

We went to the Ilkley bonfire on Saturday night, very cold but nice and dry, good fire, nice fireworks. I went out and bought some fireworks last week, readers will already know my predeliction for things that blow up and burn, thus I purchased the Armageddon, it's about the size of a car tyre, weighs about the same and promises a 500 shot barrage of incandescent mayhem, I can't wait.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Right, I've put some of those little 'Rate Me' thingies up on the blog so you can tell the world just how superb YS is, and what happens ??
You abuse it, that's what happens. Of the ten voters to hit the Bloghop buttons, two of you ingrates have hit the 'This site sucks' option, well smartypants, did you know that your name and addy has been culled from your hard drive as you voted ? No you bloody well didn't, so Mr Paul Geens of 23 Acacia Avenue, Nantwich (age 14) and you Miss Jane Calloway of 173 Caledonian Drive, West Peebles, when you here a knock at your front door on Monday, that'll be YorkshireSoul and his cricket bat come to discuss artistic merit with you.
You, dear reader are.......
The average Ysoul reader is an American, he, or perhaps she, came here looking for porn, Avril Levigne naked (which I'm almost sure I've never mentioned), slapper download code and information on rabbit lamping.
The next largest contingent of YS addicts are the Brits, they come in search of porn, the Wildhearts, Adam Ant and the naked ladies of Yorkshire.
The last notable section are the plucky Norwegians, these hardy Nordic types come in search of porn, the Wembley Demolition cam, Iain Banks and Nancy Dell'Olio naked.
Making up the rump are the solitary readers, just the one each, from Australia (hello Pixelkitty), NZ, RSA, Canada and the Imperial Taoist Kingdom of Mahatma. If things are running true to form they came looking for Avril Levigne and Nancy Dell'Olio having full on hardcore porno sex with the Wiildhearts in front of Wembley Stadium whilst Adam Ant whips Iain Banks with a naked rabbit.
All things taken into consideration, I think some of you lot need therapy, quickly.

Friday, October 18, 2002

The Friday Five

1) At the last moment, the pope cancelled your sainthood, why ?
Mike - It was all a bit embarrassing really, I was due to be elevated to the celestial ranks when an old concert video surfaced on MTV and in it I can clearly be seen singing along to Nuclear Assault on Hang The Pope, also, I'm a protestant.

2) Is it true you shagged Ulrika ?
Mike - Well lets be honest here lads, who hasn't?

3) Who did you last play golf with ?
Mike - Sadam and Dubya, I know I shouldn't really reveal this, but the whole war thing is just something we cooked up in the 19th over a few beers, we thought it would bolster the price of oil for a while and help the BP shares in my Euro-ISA.

4) What exactly was your role in the Cuban Missile Crisis ?
Mike - The two sides needed somewhere comfortable to talk, so we invited them down to my restaurant "Viva Castro" for tapas and wine, we really went the whole hog, literally, roast suckling pig, bacon and beans, paprika pork chops, it was a shame really, how was I to know that most of the US delegation were Jewish ?

5) Who would be you ideal dinner party guests ?
Mike - Keith Moon and Mother Teresa

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Abandon whatever God you worship and sell your soul to The Cult of Slappy the Cat, Slappy may well be the coven master of the insidious evil that is the Vampire Cat's Club, these creatures have me frightened, all I wanted to do was to steal a little of the kitten hit market from Blogjam, and now I'm mixed up with things like this, aaaaaaaaaaargh, make the nasty thing go away mummy, that's not a bloody cat!! What the hell is it?
Oh Sven, what have you done, of course you are going to sack hapless David Seaman (just before they bring out a video of '30 great lob shots over Seamans head'), Solly boy was unlucky/stupid, but what is the point of putting on three strikers and then having two of them play so wide that they might as well be midfielders? Also, hats off to whoever we were playing, when they wern't faking injury they played some pretty decent football, I'm so glad we're not facing Poland/Italy/Germany in this group, I mean Turkey are no problem, are they?

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

I played golf this morning for the first time in weeks with brother in law Andy, he won, obviously, we shan't talk about my score apart from saying it would looked reasonable as a 40 over cricket score.

Pointless link of the day, and this is utter anorak territory, the fast food condiment packet museum, lordy, lordy, just end it all now.
A reader writes (for security reasons we'll call him Andy W.)........."You obviously have far too much time on your hands", bah humbug sir, he then goes on to say.........."What I'd really like to be able to do on Yorkshiresoul is abuse your taste in wine, film and especially music", erm, ok then. I'll set up a second blog, linked from here, and post very short reviews, or just titles/headers, of the items in the 'Yorkshiresoul has' list, you will have to respond through the 'Shout Out' below each message in the main journal body.
I had thought of allowing people to register as writers for the blog, but if too much info gets posted then the nice folks at Blogger.com have my credit card number and might not be afraid to use it. I will try to set up the linked blog over the weekend, any suggestions for a name?

Monday, October 14, 2002

Sven, Ulrika and Nancy.
What was Sven thinking, he has a stunning, intelligent (she's a lawyer!!) girlfriend, and he goes for a pretty, vapid, bimbo. He's got fillet steak at home, but he goes out for a pot noodle.
Ulrika....................................Nancy
Oozes slapper.......................Oozes class
Piat D'Or...............................Chateau Lafitte
McDonalds............................3 Michellin Stars
Kit Kat..................................Lindt Excellence
As for all that rubbish about Sven wanting a 3-some, when he said he wanted someone on the left, he meant the footie pitch not the double bed you daft bint!Arooga! Arooga! Time for a cold shower and a bromide injection I think.

And............didn't I promise you the details of how to shrink your voodoo cursed enemies severed heads well here it is, Yorkshiresoul - the irresponsible weblog.
Gosh its dark this morning, I've been up since the crack of dawn cleaning out the old, dying chest freezer so its brand spanking new replacement can be delivered. I'm now wondering about my comments to the salesman, I think when I said
"Give me the biggest freezer you have", what I should have said was...........
"Give me a freezer that will fit into this space".

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Well, the nights are drawing in, which means I get more time off and hopefully a social life again. Last night I went to the Ilkley Literature Festival to see Iain Banks read from his latest novel, Dead Air, and answer questions from the audience. I've never been to a live literature event before, it was kind of nice to be sat down and have someone reading stories to you, very relaxing.
Iain was very funny, swigging bitter and swearing like a docker throughout the interview. He spoke at length about the two novels adapted for the screen, The Wasp Factory and Complicity I think, he said that although Use Of Weapons had been bought (and for serious money) he thought it unlikely to make it to film anytime soon. The book that Iain would most like to be filmed is Consider Phlebas, as he explained to the non-sf section of the audience "Its one huge object smashing into another huge object whilst a laser gun battle goes on around, its a science fiction thing". Can you imagine the ship hijack/loop world sequence on film ? Oh yes, that would be deeply impressive.

It hasn't rained properly for about six weeks, but there's some water falling on us this morning, simply splendid conditions for the Captain .vs President Team match teeing off this afternoon, oh well, at least I'll have hot mushroom soup and roast chicken for the boys when they come back in.

Lastly, daft link of the day, do you have enemies ? Do you have people you would rather like to see writhing in pain ? Well here you go then, if there isn't a handy voodoo high priest in your neighbourhood you can simply send an online voodoo curse to your nearest and dearest. If by this method you accidently kill someone.....
1) Don't blame Yorkshiresoul
2) Click back here tomorrow and I'll show you how to shrink your enemies severed head!

Friday, October 11, 2002

Here are a group of free spirits who adjust billboards in the US for laughs, but if you look closely at this piece of advertising frippery, haven't they just put the mark of satan on Sven Goran Erikson?
England to win The Ashes, oh yes, I have determined that England will crush Australia in this winters Ashes series, why will we win ? Well, it is all down to Vegemite vs. Marmite.
Now, whilst both are tasty savoury spreads derived from yeast, there is a world of difference in the taste. In a Taste-E-Meter taste test the rather benign Australian Vegemite rated only a 5, or about equal to mature cheddar cheese, chorizo sausage and raw onion. When the mighty British Marmite was fed into the Taste-E-Meter the machine rejected the sample four times before registering a 9.2, or about equal to mature Stilton, raw Scotch Bonnet chillies and neat petrol.
In further tests English cricketers fed Vegemite were forced to spread it an inch thick on their toast, when Ozzy batsman Mark Waugh was faced with 'My Mate Marmite' he started to cry for his mummy. There is one dark cloud on the horizon though, amongst the Australians a man has arisen, a dark and twisted man, a man of rare and evil genius, a man with the knowledge and malice aforethought to create this malevolent creation............. A Vegemite Milkshake, oh the horror of it.
Fight back dear Brits, tell them how We Love Marmite, tell them everything we know about beloved Marmite, and never, never, ever mention the vile and low sect that have broken from the true faith and have declared that they hate Marmite.
Finally, there is no link to the foul spawn that is Bovril, for verily shall they place a wav. file onto your PC that will play a fucking annoying song, seemingly without end, until your machine is rebooted, bastards.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I've just taken The Spark Death Test, the news is fairly good, apparently I'm going to live to the ripe old age of 81 when I'll cop it from either a heart attack or cancer, or worryingly from alien abduction or auto-fellatio, do shout out your results please.
Hmm, Mark and Lard, sometimes I have to allow the staff a couple of hours off from the metal/punk/prog/thrash/speed that dominates the kitchen cd player, therefore I am plagued by the aforementioned moron brothers of an afternoon. Now, I could cope with the two boys of little brain driveling on all through the afternoon if it wasn't for an extended feature they ran last week which centered on jokes about fisting!!
I would agree with anyone that Steve Wright and his sycophants were perhaps not the brightest sparks on radio, but seldom if ever did they sink to the depths of making extreme sexual practices the focal point of the show. Obviously I'm not offended by their puerile antics, but I had trouble explaining the fisting concept to my six year old boy after he heard it.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Wahey, I've had (nearly) two full days off work, that's two full days in six weeks, go on, feel sorry for me! Anyway, Meg and myself had a nice lunch at Bistro Fiori in Leeds, roast pheasant with a nice Chianti for me, penne carbonara with the '02 vintage diet coke for Meg. I splashed out on a few cd's in the HMV sale, a re-mastered copy of Marillion - Fugazi caught my eye. Re-mastered to make the drums sound like cardboard boxes, can't quite figure out why.

The diet has gone to bollocks already, we ate out again in the evening, Balti Master and the nicest garlic naan I have ever eaten, and some lager, oh well, at least I did 20k on the rowing machine. Holiday planning is now in full swing for the whistle stop tour of Europe, but I've been barred from vineyard visits, can't think why that should be.

WARNING : POTENTIALLY NOT WORK SAFE BIT. This might count as porn, but don't worry, you won't see any naked flesh as it is all safely enclosed in well inflated rubber, I don't know about you, but it doesn't press my buttons. And as for this, it is probably best not to ask how I found a site featuring a tinfoil devil hat wearing cow, I apparently have too much time on my hands.

A DANGEROUS CHILDHOOD
I might write a few of these, as it occurs to me there were a number of things we did as kids that seem insane and/or potentially life threatening by my adult sense of danger. This one is called...........

Cookie And The Genie. We always used to make genies when it was firework season, empty a whole packet of bangers on to a sheet then light them with a match, PWOOF, up it goes with a flash, great fun. We thought we could add to the fun by making a paper funnel and pouring a large (20 banger) genie into the lock of the school canteen, it was fitted with a paper 'fuse', and we all stood well back as the 'volunteer', Cookie, stood forward to light it. However, confined within the lock, the gunpowder once more behaved as a banger, like a bloody big one in fact, BOOM, Cookie was backlit by a fireball which exploded out from the door. We ran.
When we eventually stopped running and laughing we found that poor Cookie was blackened all up his arm and across one side of his face, and the canteen lock was ruined. Cookie had black gunpowder speckles in his skin for days, and the police didn't catch us, but we can't have been far away from causing serious injury, and we laughed 'till we cried afterwards.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

All I can say is it's bloody lucky he didn't jump up in excitement, as it is he might never play the piano again, ouch.
I love Yorkshire, there are a number of other places in which I could live, such as lovely East Anglia, pretty Cambridgeshire or even the picturesque London borough of Waltham Forest, but on the whole the beautiful Yorkshire Dales are where my heart resides, and my home town of Ilkley is so pretty they even rave about it in Zaire, or Zimbabwe, or somewhere.

Monday, October 07, 2002

A missing weekend, we were hosting the rather nice chaps from the Hollinwell golf Club in Notts, good lads and very sportingly they lost the trophy to the Ilkley team.

Health report - insomnia vanished, weight 12st 13lbs so I'm whupping the pants off Weight Watchers Fast Start, ha ha.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog, there are two ways in which this can be done..
1) Make a careful and detailed study of HTML and Java, taking particular note of which commands interact with, and may conflict with, other commands.
2) Peer hopefully at the source code, alter something that looks likely, publish, scream, desperately try to remember what I altered, alter it again, publish, scream again, whimper, phone a PC literate mate to sort it out.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Health report - insomnia has vanished - weight dropping like a stone. "After just one day", I hear you cry, well here's a good tip for starting a diet, the night before you start drink 8 pints of lager, eat a five course Chinese banquet with extra rice, finish with an extra large sticky toffee pudding, and top it off with a mug of extra sweet cocoa before bed, then weigh yourself in the morning, works a treat.

Whilst I was having a bout of insomnia midweek I could quite clearly hear a Barn Owl murdering a rabbit in the woods behind my house, I could hear it clearly as judging by the volume the Owl was holding a megaphone to the rabbit as it screamed in pain, noisy bastard. This leads on to another rabbit story. One night I was driving one of the waitresses home (I'm their boss by the way, I don't otherwise manage to entice teenage girls into my car), as we came down the hill to the road we could see a bright light out on the golf course, the following conversation ensued......
Unidentified waitress, we'll call her Lisa "What is that man doing"
Me "He's lamping for rabbits"
Lisa "What's that?"
Me "He shines the big light so that he can see the rabbits in the dark"
Lisa "Oh, that's nice" ????
Me "Then he shoots them"

Being a fully trained and sensible chef, I highly recommend that you do not do this with your microwave oven , or if you must do it, use someone else's, and stand well back.

Friday, October 04, 2002

I quite like dogs, although for a number of reasons I don't keep pets myself, my good friends John + Candice have a German Shepherd?Alsation (if there's a difference it has escaped me), if you're hovering between buying a goldfish or a German Shepherd just check out this list of things eaten by German Shepherd Dogs, goldfish sales will rocket I think.
The insominia appears to be at an end, I slept right through until the alarm woke me at 6.30am this morning and I feel a whole lot better. Here are a couple of ongoing things for the blog........
1) I'm going back on the diet (Atkins if you are interested), I'm 13st 5lbs, or possibly 187lbs as my American readers might reckon it. This figure was 16st 6lbs at Christmas (or 230lbs US) so it has worked.
2) A wine challenge, next year I intend to drink all the D.O. wines of Spain, not all at once mind you, there are 55 Spanish D.O. regions, I'll provide a link in the New Year to a seperate wine blog/page for this purpose.
3) I've got a little music thing going on, but I'll not publish the details yet in case some less scrupulous, and more organised, blogger gets in there first.

After whooping with joy at finding that Y Soul was the 26th most important source of Adam Ant information on the net, I found that one reader had found me by looking for the smallest website, that's nice I thought, then I looked up his/her search history before finding Yorkshire Soul and this was what he'd looked for..........
1) Oldest penis + slapper
2) Slapper source code download
3) Penis viagra pictures
4) Slapper worm
5) What effect will the IBM PriceWaterhouseCooper deal have on the US economy?
I'm baffled by this eclectic mix of search requests, and before you ask, no I havn't keyed them in to Google myself, but if you are interested/wierd enough to want to know the search results for "Oldest penis + slapper" please don't hesitate to shout out the results.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Well I had a go at the exercise option last night in an effort to cure my insomnia, 20k's on the rowing machine, result = I slept through until 5.30 this morning so I feel a bit better for it.

This is the Wembley Stadium demolition webcam, so you can see the fine old stadium gradually being reduced to dust, sadly, Brent council don't appear to employ anyone who can focus a camera. I have asked them to get their finger out and sort it, will report back.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

My Hotmail inbox today contains the following nuggets of wisdom..........
1) Free Porn Secrets Revealed (but they still want my CC number!)
2) The Hairiest Bush in Hollywood (this turned out not to be a horticultural site)
3) Nude pics from Kelly (no pics, but she also wants my CC number)
4) 13 offers from people worried about my penis size (I have no worries here having checked mine out here, give it a go, it's a load of tosh but there isn't a bloke around who hasn't taken a tape measure to his old man at some time.
Why is your blog called Yorkshire Soul says this e-mail, now, I don't know where Danni G is mailing from, she could be from Sussex or the States for all I know, but obviously she's not from Yorkshire or she wouldn't have to ask. You see Danni, us Tykes (for that is how we refer to ourselves), well we consider ourselves a different breed from other Brits, we consider ourselves blessed to live in and among Yorkshires green acres, and we may feel a number of emotions for those others not fortunate enough to have been born within its borders, indifference for most, antipathy for southerners and active dislike for Lancastrians.
I can't imagine people waking in the morning and saying to themselves, "Thank God I live in Middlesex/Wolverhampton/Ohio/Mars", but us Tykes, we do that every day.
Wahey, according to Google I am now the 26th most important source for Adam Ant information on the net, and in a similar position for the Wildhearts, I'd work harder but I'm not sure I want to be the nets No.1 Antmusic saddo.

I'm suffering from a bout of Insomnia, I have no problem getting off to sleep at night, but at 3-4am every morning it's, bing, wake-up time, I exist for the next 2-3 hours in a half awake sort of state, can't get back to sleep, can't rouse myself to get out of bed. I've tried a few things so far, drink (doesn't work, in fact makes it worse), not drinking (no difference), sleeping in the day (couldn't get to sleep), tonight I'm going to try exercise, dig the old rowing machine out and try to knacker myself on that. Failing that, there's always this list to work through, any other ideas ? Shout 'em out.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Ever wonderd what happened to those cheeky Talibanny chappies, bombed off the face of the Earth ? Spread to the North Winds ? Well I've found them for you, they're all here at Taliban Reunited
Police state? Five elderly pro-hunt activists were arrested in a pub car park yesterday as they prepared to stage a protest outside the Winter Gardens in Blackpool, they were ambushed by 15 armed police officers clad in riot gear and after arrest were driven to separate police stations for questioning. It's nice to know that El Presidente Blair is supporting our rights to free speech in this way.