Saturday, November 30, 2002

Good evening, I'm happy. The reasons for aforementioned happiness are these.....
Great dinner at my sisters last night, her talented husband Kev cooked up a seafood storm, nice one brother in law, and we got to bath the babies and read to them, my God children are the sweetest things.
Good friend Patrick is booking tickets for LOTRTTT.
It's winter, which means that although I'm not making any money, I'm not working until 1 in the morning all the time, we finished work at 4.30pm today, ha ha.
Mrs.YS has just brought me croissant with choclate spread, she loves me. Life is just peachy.

Here is a girl of astounding good taste, why so ? Because she has linked to me of course, and before you ask, I didn't offer her money. Ok, so she's Australian, try not to be bitter

More on the LOTR theme,

, more of this chaos, as well as an absolute abundance of really good film bumpf can be found here Tolkien Movies

Thursday, November 28, 2002

I was pondering, as I do in quiet moments, I was pondering what YSoul would be like in ten years time. Most likely of course will be that I have long since lost patience with the daily blogging routine, and my inability to stop swearing on the new 'Sony Portablogger' headset has had me removed from 15 different ISP's. If however, I have continued the daily blog what will have changed ? Will I still be stealing amusing links from other blogs ? Will I be able to resist pushing up my hits my mentioning naked celebrities ? Will I have learned how to spell Avril Lavigne ? Let us time travel then, and find out....................(just imagine a sort of Dr.Who type sound effect here)

Here we are in the year 2012, Yorkshiresoul is still blogging but under the name 'Half Yorkshire - Half Catalan - Half cut'.
YS finally did get to see Avril Lavigne naked (as well as spelling her name correctly), but so did everybody else when the faded star appeared nude in the Christmas 2010 issue of Playboy, shortly after her six month stay in the Betty Ford Clinic.

YSoul's beloved Leeds United languished in the 1st Division for three seasons after the awful Venables relegation year, they recently lost their manager again, but with recent improvements in cloning technology, Don Revie takes over at the start of next season.

Orange decided on a more aggressive marketing strategy, YSoul once again challenged them over their "Bearded men are dirty poofs" adline, but lost the fight to the 18 stone troll from the marketing department, and spent three months in traction. The story made the papers and media worldwide, he even got a visit from Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, then he even got her phone number, then he got lucky, then he got crabs.

YS spent three years in prison in the middle of the decade, after England lost their umpteenth consecutive Ashes series YS finally snapped at Headingley, England were 32-7 in their second innings, facing an improbable Australian target of 712-2 declared (R Ponting 435 n.o.). As Matthew Hayden lashed his third six of the over from an out of form Ryan Sidebottom, YSoul ran from his seat in the West Terrace and violently assaulted Hayden with a rolled up copy of the Yorkshire Post. (It was later reported that although most of the newspaper was successfully removed, the Australian was still passing parts of the sports section two weeks later). Despite widespread support for YSoul's actions, he was jailed for a five year stretch.

After leaving prison YSoul got a lucky break and landed a job as UK Sales Director for Spanish Wines, spending his summers in England, his winters in Barcelona, and most of the time drunk, he is said to be fairly happy although he still wishes people would read him for his faintly humorous scribblings rather than looking for naked teenage pop stars.
I have just started reading Antony Bourdain's wonderfully entertaining 'Kitchen Confidential', and, speaking as a fellow chef, this is exactly how the world of catering is, nearly. Except that, I seem to have missed out on the barrow loads of drugs and endless supply of willing waitresses, I've hardly ever shagged a waitress, and it's no use starting now for two reasons,one, Mrs YS and a pair of hot scissors, and two, the anti-pedophile laws.

Staying very loosely within the catering theme, next time you pop out for a pint, how about your nearest Christian local. In an attempt to prove that we Brits can be just as weird and wacky as the Yanks, I give you a pub run by church volunteers, and it's in Bradford.

Here's the sort of local news I like, two local teams, reserves at that, knocking seven kinds of shite out of each other instead of playing football, scroll down for the full shocking details.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

A one off special feature today dedicated to one of Yorkshiresoul's regular readers, may I introduce you to the very wonderful Amanda Greaves. Amanda is a bright young thing plying her journalistic trade at the venerable Ilkley Gazette, where she brings her fresh perspective and literary talent to such stories as "Cat Missing For Four Days" and "Pharmacist Will Open Until 8pm".
Few of her fans can forget the post-modernist drama she brought to the classic "Bolling Road Under 8's Egg and Spoon Results" or the heart rending cruelty exposed by "Council Will Stop Free School Milk", so its hats off to Amanda, may she long keep ink on her quill, so to speak. Here is a typically astute story, penned by Amanda, probably, Red Letter Day.
And lastly I would just like to quash any rumours that I have featured Amanda just because she's a hot babe, as if I'd do something like that!

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Oh dear, what a dismal selection of books I took away with me, thankfully Jeff Noon and Tom Sharpe rescued me from a pit of literary despair.

Colony - Rob Grant, he finds four very mildly amusing puns, realising he will have to fill nearly 300 pages he repeats each pun ad infinitum, remembering on page 286 that the book is about to end and he hasn't properly thought out the closing stages, he invokes a limp god in the machine completion. Terrible.

The Star Fraction - Ken Macleod, there might just be a good plot here, but it is buried beneath a mound of half baked political ideologies and a torrent of factions, theologies and splinter groups, half way through I had no idea who was fighting who, or even who belonged to which group.

The Reaper - James H Jackson "A sunbather screamed in shock, scrabbling to get free of the situation and enveloping body parts, as a waiter exploded all over him. All he had asked for was a Bloody Mary", the worst two lines from a novel filled with bad writing.

Blott On The Landscape - Tom Sharpe, funny, and the good guys win through, sort of.

Pollen - Jeff Noon, very strange, beautiful and wonderful, despite being set in Manchester. I must read more of this man's work.

Lastly, oh no, the shocking truth about the Harry Potter novels
Greetings faithful readers, I have returned from my travels, Paris is wonderful, Barcelona is fantastic, Rome is full of noisy bastards on scooters who still use their horns at 3 in the morning, and Ulverston, yes Ulverston, was having a very jolly Dickensien Christmas festival.

I won't bore you with the whole holiday diary, but I may drop in an edited highlight or two. Early on in the holiday we stumbled across a cunning French plot to sell off a glut of vegetables, ordering in French (from the handy 3 language menu), we did at first question whether "Legumes - Frittes - Chips" was entirely correct. We just fancied a pile of chips to go with our Croque Monsiuer, what arrived though was a steaming plate of overcooked green beans. Anxious not to look more of a twat than I had already appeared, I devoured the beans with a gusto which indicated to the waiters not only did I intend to order beans with my sandwich, they were indeed my most favourite thing to eat. All this and no decent wine either.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Last night in Barca, off to Rome in the morning, Gaudi´s bloody church, oh no, never again, far too high for me, Nou Camp is wonderful, I got to sit on the home bench and in the home tv interview chair, wahey! Been to the waxworks where every model bears only a passing resemblence to its intended portrait, and the aquarium where at least the fish looked like themselves.

Also, got skinned by the pea and cup men for €40, bastards, I could have sworn it was under the left hand cup.

Ate outside, in November, its about 20 degrees here and for some reason all the Catalans are dressed in big jumpers coats and scarves, you can see the Brits, they´re all in shorts and t-shirts complaining about the heat. Bye for now, I might report from Italy, if not, daily mayhem resumes in about 8 days.

Friday, November 15, 2002

Hello faithful readers, it´s Friday so it must be Barcelona, I´ve left Mrs YS eating chocolate cake in the hotel room whilst I ramble down the Ramblas to post a quicky to you lot. Paris was wonderful, the architecture (apparently Napolean said "Build me something special" "What size?" "Big enough to barrack an army" and they built the Louvre!!), wine ok, food good, except for the boiled pigs trotters.

We did all the main monuments, Tour Eiffel, Arc De Triomph, well, I went up them while the missus stayed firmly on the ground. We also six the bones of six million dead folk (I kid you not) in the catacombs, a great day out.

Barcelona is also fantastic, Tapas every night, wine is better and cheaper (in fact everything is way cheaper) than Paris, been to Montjuic and the Zoo, Ramblas and the Bara Gotic, going off to Sagra de Familia and the Nou Camp tomorow.

The only bad thing so far, apart from the trotters that is, is BBC World on the tv, it meant I couldn´t escape from 79 all out, shite, see yáll soon.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Right, I'm off then, Paris, then Barcelona, then Rome. Be good while I'm away, water the plants and try not to kill the fish, see you all when I get back, oh, and if the cricket gets any worse, just picture yourself..........................naked with Avril Levigne!!!! Wahey!!!
Well, Orange just will not fight, in fact they have taken to ignoring my threatening e-mails. I did a load of beard related surfing to try and support my case, and so I bring you this shower of beardy weirdness.
1) A man who has written a book about 1,000 beards, the front cover features all the main styles, from the 'Yorkshire Ripper' (top right) to the 'Gay Biker' (middle left).
2) Jordan Dauby, Beard of the Year 2002, endorses Beardsley Beard Shampoo, well he would wouldn't he.
3) All About Beards
4) Will my face get cold if I shave off half my beard and then go cylcling in sub zero temperatures ? Yes
5) Don't link turbans to terrorism, or beards for that matter
6) Got a mad, foot long, curly, pointy tache ? Join these lads you'll be right at home
7) I hope that no tax-payers money was wasted on your foolish cat/beard research project
8) **Bits of this site not worksafe** Women with beards, yes, you heard
Oh my God. First day of the Ashes wasn't good, in fact it was "Worst Case Scenario". Australia make 360-odd for two, England wound themselves by falling over on flat grass. We need to do something.
1) Eat more Marmite, obviously.
2) If you see an Ozzie student, working behind a bar, or in a pizza restaurant, do the decent thing and dob them in to Immigration, or the Inland Revenue, or both.
3) With regards to Matthew Hayden, maybe the Yanks would lend us the Washington sniper for a couple of days ?
4) If all these fail then do what I'm going to do, run away to Paris, the French understand nowt at all about cricket.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Help me clear my debt!, this is a disgrace, all these folks shamelessly begging for someone else's hard earned cash, have you tried getting a job like the rest of us ? Try the Blackadder option, you know, "Oh please go on the game"
Bit of a theme thing here, George Bush makes his feelings clear on the Oil/Iraq situation........
Regular reader and all round man of good taste Paul suggests you try putting words in Bush's mouth, oh dear, the tears of laughter.
No blog yesterday, couldn't access Blogger all afternoon. I don't thing Orange (or Arnge if you are reading from Ulster) are up for the fight,
"This scene was filmed in Rio De Janeiro using local actors - including the man with the beard. Orange tries to ensure ethnic diversity in all of its communications including advertising and as a global company has a multi national workforce in areas as diverse as Europe, Asia and Africa."
Blah, blah, blah, no mention of standing up to me in a fair fight, bloody jessies.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

I've got a problem with Orange, the mobile phone company that is, not the tasty, vitamin c packed citrus fruit. Its that bloody advert, beards are the new niggers, if you changed the advert to "Less of what you don't like, Paki's, Kikes, Spics and Wogs" people would be up in arms, and rightly so, but bewhiskered gents have become the new media kickaround now that you can't make jokes about colour, religion and nationality.
Well, I for one have had enough, which is why I have sent this e-mail to Orange.........
"I believe your current "beard" advert to be nothing more than racism in another hat, therefore I would like the name of the advertising exec who thought up the advert so I can challenge him to a fist fight, if he wins, you get to keep showing the advert, if I win, you take it off air, fair enough?"
Orange have said this..............
"Dear Mike
Thank you for your feedback on the Orange website. You will receive a personal response as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
Orange Web Development Team "

Fight! Fight! Get your tickets here, in the blue corner, weighing in at 13st some, the bearded, tattooed fighting machine............Yorkshiresoul, in the red corner, weighing in at 9st in his underpants (soiled), a wimpy, pasty, chin like a babies bum advertising wally. Ysoul 11-8 on, office boy 20-1, Ysoul to win by knockout in the first round - evens.

Oh, and because you lot love linky stuff, here's something to do on your next day off, squirrel fishing.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Yesterday, scared the bejezus out of myself watching '28 Days Later', brilliant start to the film, lost its way a little later on, also saw the remake of 'Oceans 11' which, despite my pathological hatred of George Clooney, a man with the acting ability of Charles Bronson on Prosac, was actually a half decent movie. I do wish though, that my local cinema showed films like this.........

Friday, November 01, 2002

The National Toaster Museum of America needs your money, they've been begging for it since 1997, and they're not doing very well.
Although I will berate Kerrang and others for lazy list journalism, I will now do just the same thing. In no particular order, YSoul's list of ladies it would be interesting to spend time with (if not married, obviously).

1) Helen Hunt - gosh, she is just so nice, I imagine Helen would cook, something good and traditional, roast chicken then apple pie, she's that kind of girl.

2) Dawn French - dinner at a restaurant, with lots of wine, a laugh riot obviously and possibly we'd get asked to leave by the manager.

3) Milla Jovovich - is there any chance she'd wear that strappy, bandage thingy from 5th Element ? No, shame.

4) Paula Radcliffe - superwoman, dinner would obviously be lots of carbs, followed by a ten mile run, that's me buggered then.

5) Fi Glover - intelligent, educated, funny, what more could you ask for ?

6) Jade Jones - would she fancy a jump ? Hee hee hee (That was an athletics in-joke, sorry)

7) Tara Palmer-Tompkinson - not bright, not well educated, funny, this would only go well as a date if she doesn't have her nose in the candy bag.

8) Baroness Thatcher - How do you like your eggs Mrs.T ? Turned ? No, thought not.

9) Angelina Jolie - Arooga! Arooga! But she has weird ideas about exchanging bodily fluids, all that vial of blood stuff.

10) Avril Levigne - naked of course (shame on me, I've managed a whole week without mentioning her once, mind you, that will double todays hits).