Monday, December 30, 2002

Looking through my reader logs, I have noticed that although YS is a big hit with the Yanks, I don't really appear on the radar of the south American countries, I have however come up with a cunning plan to attract hits from the South, watch this............

Eva Peron naked in full hardcore porno action with Simon Bolivar,

there, that should do the trick.
So, you are in a restaurant and in your opinion your steak is a little underdone, so you send it back, well lets hope that these horrible people are not on duty. Duck with fridge gunk garnish anyone ?

I really don't understand the mentality of someone who would piss in the food, have they no pride at all ? Have they run out of stock ? Have I anything to confess to ? Ok, it's a busy Saturday night, fillets are going out like crazy and I have the bad feeling that I have under ordered. An order comes in for four fillets, bugger. Four fillets and VWD (Very Well Done, which of course elicits the kitchen comment "Why didn't he go to f***ing McDonalds for his dinner"), I'm saved, "Commis, pass me four Rump steaks", burn 'em, cover 'em in sauce, compliments to the chef.

Sunday, December 29, 2002

The End Of Year competition, with real prizes, although bad ones.
Scroll down to 23/12 for the simple rules, though you will note that there is no section that says "Please fill my inbox with enormous amounts of hardcore pornography", tsk, some people.
Best bit of Christmas comedy comes from the Hairdressers edition of The Weakest Link where the following exchange took place....

Anne Robinson - "What is a word for a dark beer which can also describe a fat person?"
Hairdresser - "Guinness"

What's going on here ? Two enterprising Yanks with above average Scrabble ability and too much time on their hands, you can also see their surreal works, 'Try Corpse of Dave Thomas' and 'Eat all you can popcorn Jesus'.

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Canadian cult announces birth of first cloned baby - YSoul sends £50 and asks for a copy of Avril Lavigne. Cloning is such a bad idea, the charts have been full of clone bands for years, each one worse than the last, and look what happened when they cloned Bryan Adams, he started making bad dance music!
Yorkshiresoul has intercepted the following letter.......

"Dear Mumsy,
the cricket is going very well but some rough boys on the boundary are making Brett cry. Every time poor Brettsy runs in to bowl they are chanting "no-ball", it's so unfair, and they are all fat and drunk and smelly and I hate them,
your son, Justin"

Justin Langer you big, soft puff. Are you Australian ? Or just a jessie ? Did you not just score 250, banging the bowling to all parts of the ground ? These Ozzies, they're just not what they used to be.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Christmas is upon us. Happy Christmas then to all my readers, even the ones that come looking for naked Canadian teenagers. An especialy merry crimble to the writers of the best blogs in the known multiverse, that's Anja at Anjarchista, Fraser at the very wonderful and often bizarre Blogjam, Mensa genius Yorkshireman and cheese hater Dave at Kennamatic, and the charming and smart Kitteh down under in Deconstructme. Also to Davezilla, Scaryduck, B3TA, Vodkabird, ibdreamy, Socialinsecurity and LionelMandrake, no links for that lot so you'll have to Google for them.

No blog on Cristmas day, probably not Boxing Day either (Christmas Cup competition at the club, we should be busy), see you all later in the week.

As it is Christmas, goodwill to all, when I'm not writing irreverant rubbish I'm involved with the following worthy organisations..........
Plan International, sponsoring children around the world. Happy Christmas to Adam, my sponsored child in West Timor.

The Woodland Trust, trees being the lungs of the world.

R.S.P.B., protecting birds, wildlife and habitats.

Sight Savers International, if you are blind, and in poverty, you really have no chances in life.

Monday, December 23, 2002

Yorkshiresoul's Seasonal Competition
Oh yes, a real competition, with prizes (unless you live overseas, then you get a heartfelt thankyou).
I'm going to do a lazy journalism bit around New Year, with a drab and uninspiring list of Best/Worst of 2002, you know the sort of thing, Best Album, Worst Reality Tv Show, Top Sportsperson, all that sort of malarkey. All you have to do is e-mail me, with a category, the winner and a short, amusing description and you could win a prize.

The prizes are real, honestly, and I will post them at great personal cost to almost anywhere in the UK, excepting Moss Side and Harehills where I understand posties don't go without an armed guard.
And another thing, if it wasn't bad enough that we have 'Japanese' aliens in Star Wars, now we get Cockney barrow boy orcs in Lord of the Rings.

"Cor blimey guvnor, we got ter get these 'obbits up the apple and pears into Orthanc and no mistake"

I realise my horde of American readers are not really into football, they like games with bigger scores, so for the benefit of the Yanks, here are the soccer results in Americanese........

Arsenal Arseholes 418 - Middlesborough Mudsticks 174
Birmingham Bombers - 65 - Charlton (and the Wheelies) 65
Chelsea Foreigners - 385 - Aston Villa Wan***s 2
Leeds Please Sack El Tel 120 - Lucky Lucky Southampton 120
Blackburn Rovers 340 - Scumchester Retardedfans 0

However I try to manipulate the scores though, I still always end up with Bradford City Nil.

Sunday, December 22, 2002

Elves in Helms Deep ? I can see what Peter Jackson has tried to do, make the Elves look less distant and more Hollywood by having them turn up at Rohans hour of need, it made for good film, but it didn't happen in the book. Jackson has lost sight a little of what he is supposed to be doing, he hasn't been making a film for the masses, he has been making a film for fans of the book, a visual interpretation of the novel.
I think the film suffers a little from being the middle section, and as such it has a loosely defined beginning and end, the destruction of Isengard not being the obvious film closer that the breaking of the Fellowship was. It is still fantastic though, Gollum/Smeagol is a dark delight, especially the argument between his two halves, the Ents are also wonderful, although they suffer from severe story cropping. Maybe Jackson should not have created the Warg battle and provided some better plotting for the tree herders instead, or just make the film six hours long so as to not miss anything out.
The battle of Helms Deep is awesome, but what happened to the Huorns ? Another five minutes setting up the 'evil' trees would have made more sense at the end of the battle. Anyway, it is still the most magical visual treat, here's looking forwards to LOTR:TROTK.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

What was I saying about idiot commis chefs? Did I mean to say idiot waitresses? Take one waitress (I'm not protecting the guilty so it was Carol), and one simple task, sweeping. As Carol pulls the broom backwards she manages to simultaneously dismount the fire extinguisher and remove its safety pin. Then everything goes into slow motion, as she reaches for the handle saying "This should pop right back in" I am moving in treacle, shouting "Nooooooooooooooooooooo", arms outstretched to ward off imminent disaster. Too late, the handle is depressed and with an explosive cough the kitchen is instantly transformed into Santa's Snowy Grotto.
"The roast ham was lovely, what did you season it with" they asked. "A little ginger and galangal" I reply, Fire retardant powder is the real answer, lets hope its not a carcinogen.

Done all your Christmas shopping ? Stuck on a gift for the man who has everything ? Have you considered purchasing him the rather unique and wonderful Turd Twister ? Or perhaps a day old deep frozen pekinese puppy ? No really, that's what they're selling. Recipes to follow.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

What a beautiful day yesterday! I grabbed the chance and went walking from Bolton Abbey, up the Valley of Desolation and across the moor to Simons Seat, the view from the top was spectacular, a light mist hung in the river valley below, bright sunshine and clear blue skies. the moors were alive with Grouse and Pheasant, there must have been some poor shots in the buts this year.

Do you hate cyclists ? Of course you do. Having to drive at ten miles an hour whilst the arrogant buggers potter along three abreast, knowing full well they will gob all over your car if you try to squeeze past them. I got caught behind 4 such creatures on the back road, a couple of miles had passed, seemingly in slow motion, when the spandex clad ones went over the top of a small hill, and vanished.

I came over the top of the hill to find that a small stream had turned the entire downward slope to ice overnight, the cyclists were skidding all over, feet on the ground, as they attempted to navigate the hazard. I touched the brakes lightly, that was all I needed to know, I wasn't stopping. I gave a short hoot of the horn to warn the cyclists, they of course responded in true bike style, middle fingers were raised. I glided for a few more feet before sounding the horn in a more prolonged fashion, they looked around (mouths full of spittle no doubt) to see a ton of metal containing a grinning, beardy loon, bearing down on them. Panic and chaos ensued, dayglo figures hurled themselves, and their machines, into hedges and ditches, getting either a good scratching or mudbath depending on the side of the road they had chosen for their escape.
As I shot past I mouthed words of apology, something along the lines of "Don't look so fucking cocky now do you sonny?", and reaching the dry base of the hill I cheerfully accelerated away, oh happy day.

More peeps who can't abide the lycra nazi's can be found here, here, and here.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Commis Chefs : Why You Must Bray them
The simple answer is because they are idiots. Last week I wrote "many of my commis chefs still bear the imprint of a well aimed onion", why this level of violence you ask ? Let me explain.

It is Saturday morning in the kitchen, that evening we are fully booked and then some. I have spent all morning doing the mise en place, or prep, an assortment of sauces lie steaming away as they cool down, demi glace, fish veloute for the dover sole, pepper and stilton sauces for the steaks, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' sauce with Drambuie for the fillets, bechemel, tomato sauce, parsley sauce, vanilla and chocolate for the desserts. I have also chopped a large pile of basil for pasta and garnishing. Idiot commis is next to me, supposedly trying to learn some basic sauce work, as I turn around with a platter of chopped basil a Michael Jackson song comes on the radio. Idiot commis goes into Earthsong mode, arms fly up, catching the basil on the way, now it doesn't matter what the sauce was, because it's basil sauce now.
Sensing imminent pain, the commis has made a run for the back door, not fast enough to avoid a handy potato though. On his eventual, cowering, return, we threw him in the river.

Now being a chef isn't such a bad job, Human Remains Removal Specialist possibly is, read further down the page though are some real whingers, check out the golf professional at the bottom, "People expect things done right the first time!", not such an unreasonable request I think, and you will notice he doesn't mention his pay cheque, that's because golf pro's earn a bloody fortune, much of it in cash.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Oops. I have tried to resize yesterdays giant and slow loading picture, I always struggle with the technical bits.

Moving right along, give this man a medal, he's going to clean the streets of dog mess once and for all, although thinking about it, I wouldn't fancy trying to wrestle an Alsatian into this contraption. Why not just bring in a law that forces the owners of dogs that crap on the pavement to eat it up with a teaspoon?

Monday, December 16, 2002

I bet you are all thinking the same thing, how is she going to cook that ? The chef will advise. Game, and especially carnivores, can be strong flavoured, and might be tough, I'd suggest a marinade, soak the meat in red wine, thyme and rosemary for a day, when cooking, remember foxes are not very fatty so it will need either braising (gas mk5 for 3-4hours) or if you roast it do remember to baste it with fat every 20 mins. Serve with roast sweet potatoes, buttered spinach and a good red wine like Cardinal Zin or Heart of Darkness.

After your fox, how about a nice chocolate dessert ? I recommend chocolate glazed tortoise, this sweet insanity has been dreamed up by Randall Gramm, chief winemaker and nutter at Bonny Doon Vineyards and maker of the rather bizarrely named wines mentioned above. Even for non wine buffs his site is eclectic fun, do check out the Riesling Asylum.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

No blog on Saturday due to hangover and a parcel. Goodies from the book club have arrived, I have already read them all, and they were...........
Lucifer : A Dalliance with the Damned - Mike Carey. Mike Carey has taken the most intriguing of Neil Gaimans supporting cast from Sandman and has written a series which rivals, indeed it surpasses, the best of the Dream Kings saga. I can't wait for Book 4 and the promised war with Heaven.

Judge Dredd : Cursed Earth - Pat Mills/John Wagner. Classic 2000AD story arc, I think I started reading the comic just as the Cursed Earth series came to an end but it was this story that started to flesh out JD's character, good stuff.

Batman : The Dark Knight Strikes Again - Frank Miller. It has been a long time since DC allowed Miller to rip up the Batman saga and reform it in to his own twisted form, but here he does it again in fine style. Following on from The Dark Knight returns we see a totalitarian America, rigged elections and no super heroes, but the Batman lurks. I won't give away too much plot but I think there's one thing that Batfans will want to know, does Superman get his butt kicked ? Oh yes he does.
Dinner on Friday night with the Big Red Boys and wives, and offspring. Caribbean smoky chicken salad with lime, kumquats, papaya and rocket served with a Mitchelton Blackwood Park Riesling, then roast duck and port sauce with Errazuriz Don Maximiano '97, and to finish, cheeseboard with the 'poor mans port' Mavrodaphne of Patras. Then Andrew and myself found that we weren't quite drunk enough so we had a bottle of Tyrell's Shiraz as well, hic. Wonderful company, I was pleased with dinner (except for the pave potatoes I did with the duck, a little overdone), all went well despite the toddler/football/coffee/carpet incident, and yes John, it was your fault.

Friday, December 13, 2002

I'm not totally obsessed with women's problems or anything, it's just that I do appreciate how difficult it is for larger girls to find a decent bra, well girls, you can get just what you need from a small farm in Yorkshire. All this cam about because I wanted to write a little about some great unsigned bands that I saw as a youth, Doncasters own Ample Cleavage sprang to mind, however, having searched extensively I find that they have almost zero net presence. Even worse, Hannah here, who has compiled a vast list of women in heavy metal, is under the mistaken impression that singer Liz McBastard is a woman, well I've met him, and he's not.
Furthermore, these scurrilous Kiwi's, sensing that Yorkshire's own Ample Cleavage are defunct, have stolen the name for their own nefarious purposes.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

I can see why some women may need this item, after all it has a valid medical reason for existing, still, whilst reading the advertising bumph I had to concentrate hard on the thought "It's not a vibrator, it's not a vibrator". "You could even use it while working and no-one would know", apart from your blissed out smile, panting for breath and shouting "Oh yes big boy let's do the wild thing" that is.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Whump. "Ow!"
Whump. "Aargh"

Reader : "Hello Yorkshiresoul, what are you doing?"
YS : "I'm beating the crap out of Dean Koontz with a cricket bat"
Reader "Dean Koontz, the popular writer of slightly spooky, chase based fiction. But why ?"

Whump. "Aaah!"

YS : "Dean, tell the nice reader the bad quote"
DK : "They had been kiled by a drunk driver on the Pacific coast highway, only ten minutes from home, they suddenly found themselves even closer than ten minutes to paradise. It's from my new novel One Door Away From Heaven"
Reader : "You're right YS, that is pretty bad"
YS : "Fancy a go with the bat ?"
Reader : "Sure, thanks"

Whump. "Uuurgh!"

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Another day, another pasting down under, it's all so depressing. Let's do something frivolous then, for instance, if I converted myself into an android I would beMachine Intended for Killing and Exploration

Or if that doesn't cheer you up, frighten yourself silly with the Evil Clown Generator

Monday, December 09, 2002

Remember how the whole Avril Lavigne thing started ? A discussion between my waiters on whether she was fit or not. Well, yesterdays hot topic in the kitchen was................Avril Lavigne is a lesbian, it is almost certainly true, Georgina's best mate says so, although we are not sure why her best mate is a good source of information on the sex lives of short-arsed Canadian singers. I'm sure regular readers already know where I'm going with this, and I wouldn't like to dissapoint. Assuming that the teeny Canuck songstress is in fact gay, who would you most like to see Avril Lavinge naked with ? Christina Aguilera gets my vote for the most entertaining, and deeply pornographic, video for Dirty.
Paula Radcliffe is lovely, and a well deserving winner of the BBC Sports Personality prize, I voted for her, in fact because I thought there might be a lot of morons who would vote for Beckham out of blind love for scum, I voted for her a number of times, as it turned out, so did everybody else.
I used to play a lot of Championship Manager, once, when I grew bored of LUFC's winning series (10 consecutive Premiership titles, 6 European Cups and more FA+League Cups than I can remember), I resigned and took up the vacant managers position at bitter rivals Man U.
From there I proceeded to destroy MUFC, I spent vast sums on 39 year old Div 3 defenders, gave away good players for next to nothing, antagonized good attackers by leaving them on the bench all season and played many players well out of position (Left sided midfielders, are, on the whole, not great goalies). In one season I took a good, consistent side from regular European competition to relegation. Does this ring any bells Terry Bloody Venables ?

Friday, December 06, 2002

If you have time today, do pop over to Deconstructme (link in the sidebar to the right) and check out the hilarious baby name site that Kitteh posted yesterday.

We are thinking of buying a house in Ilkley, which will be expensive, preparations are in hand though, small children are being kidnapped and ransomed. If the kidnap idea doesn't work (two couples still think I'm the nanny!), I'll just stand out in Brook Street with a collection tin for the Countryside Alliance, guaranteed to raise a fortune around here.

Many properties in Ilkley are on the expensive side, and big, we've been looking at this one............
7 Bedrooms, 5 En-suite
4 bathrooms
2 kindergartens
2 dining rooms
2 living rooms
3 kitchens
3 more bedrooms
1 priest nook
2 slave cubbys
extensive stables, kennels and dove-cots to the rear
4 flunky cabins
swimming pool, heated indoor
aquarium, heated indoor
small zoo
secret room
2 study's
hunting lodge
granny flat (with granny)
werewolf kennel
oh hell there's another five bedrooms around this side, two en-suite
another two bathrooms
gun room
bolt hole
boot room (inc slipper rack and stilleto shelving)
walk in dresser (inc hat rack, cloak rail and cummerbund pegs)
views of the West Riding, East Riding and Lancashire obtained by peering under the carpet
For Sale by Private Treaty, Public Auction or Outright Bloody Miracle.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Dinner last night, I decided that I don't do enough real cooking any more (Golf clubs are very conservative in their dining habits), so I went a little over the top for Mrs YS and myself. Roasted Monkfish on a Petit Pois, Shallot and Spring Onion Risotto, topped with crispy Cumberland Cured Ham and drizzled with Flatleaf Parsley Butter, served with baked Butternut Squash and quick roasted Baby Plum Tomatoes.

Despite being a chef, there are still some things I will not touch, tripe being one. Japan's fascination with sushi has me flummoxed, lots of things are nice raw, but (mostly) not fish. Here is a good list bizarre food around the world.

Patrick has pointed out that when chasing burglars, I should use the hardier Swede as opposed to the Celery that I chose, and he provides these statistics to back up his claim.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Strangely, when I had to re-write yesterdays YS due to a last minute blogger fault, I did a different article from the one I was planning to write.
I was going to have a go at Peter Jackson, who sadly has fallen a few points in my esteem. The Daily Mail gave away a free LOTRTTT Cd at the weekend with two film trailers, a short interview with PJ, and some other goodies. In the interview PJ explains why he dislikes 'Editors Cut' films as they imply that the wrong version was released to cinema, fair enough. He then goes on to say that he likes extended DVD versions of films as they allow him to flesh out the story a little more (and presumably pump more dollars into his already vastly swollen pockets), well, this seems like exactly the same thing to me, nothing like a little hypocrisy to start the day.

I have been betrayed, let down in the worst way. You may have been following the stellar career of Amanda Greaves in the Ilkley Gazette ( or Gusset to regular readers), but in an otherwise touching and moving piece last week, "Torches needed for street service", about a special Marie Curie remembrance service on the Grove, Amanda writes "Service at the Bandstand, on the Grove, on Sunday December 5th". Oh no, there it is, in black and white for all to see, it should be "On Sunday December 7th", just think of all those poor folks who are going to be stood out in the Friday rush hour if they arrive on the 5th! Maybe though, just maybe, there is a glimmer of hope, maybe a malicious typesetter is to blame, or a proofreader who cut work half an hour early, I'm holding on to this hope, it's all we have left.

Finally, over in Mirfield, you can go to a church service that goes something like this................
Vicar : Kneel for the Lord's Prayer
Voice : Up yours nancy boy

Vicar : Our Father.....
Voice : Fucks my mother!

Vicar : Thy kingdome come....
Voice : Come all over, ooer

Vicar : Thy will be done........
Voice : Who wants a shag?

The reason for this, St Marys in Mirfield have accidently acquired a sweary parrot, it hides ion the bell tower and flits around the church during services, personally, I think the vicar did it himself to swell attendance, I mean what small child wouldn't go to church if there was a chance of seeing a swearing parrot on the font. Fancy seeing an intolerant avian ? Go Here.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Harumph, something happened to either my connection, or Blogger, just as I published this morning so my well thought out script vanished into the internet ether.

Anyway, Patrick, who, apart from threatening me over yesterdays anagram interview, spends far too much time contemplating the dark side, wishes me to show you this, we don't know exactly how the world will end, but here are the options. Mind you, people keep on claiming that the world is about to end, and they are always wrong, thankfully.

It has been a slow morning at work, so we've been making a potato nativity, cunningly combining leftovers from both the kitchen and the Christmas decorating. But whilst our festive tuber scenario is homely and pleasing, the nativity made by these sick bastards is evil and distressing, and it smells really bad. From reading further down this page, I find that the fable of the condemned mans last meal is a tissue of lies, they wouldn't even allow him a light beer, well I'm not raping or killing anyone if I can't have a Lafitte '87 to go with my final dinner, so there.

Monday, December 02, 2002

Hello and welcome to regular reader and contributor, Patrick Harris.

Yorkshiresoul : You have long hair Patrick, but it looks like extensions, where do you keep it at night?
Patrick Harris : Hair strip rack

Yorkshiresoul : I hear you have an unusual collection, what do you collect ?
Patrick Harris : Tsar Prick Hair

Yorkshiresoul : And you combine it with sliced potatoes to make what?
Patrick Harris : Chip rara skirt

Yorkshiresoul : Is the chip and hair skirt any good ?
Patrick Harris : Hair skirt crap

Yorkshiresoul : Oh dear, what are you going to do with the two you have already made?
Patrick Harris : Char skirt pair

Yorkshiresoul : What do you think of the most recent single by the Appleton sisters?
Patrick Harris : Chart pair irks

Yorkshiresoul : I hear you had an accident whilst hanging up your coat, what happened ?
Patrick Harris : Hatrack rip sir

Yorkshiresoul : I think we'll bring the interview to a close as you don't sound too good, what is wrong with you and what will you do about it ?
Patrick Harris : Catarrh, kip sir
We've had burglars. This is what happened. Yorkshiresoul is about to sit down in front of the tv when he hears a noise, a quick peek from the upstairs window confirms his suspicions, some lowlifes are breaking into the golf shop. Grabbing the first thing that comes to hand (a stick of crisp celery, 48p a head, Tesco), he runs into the dark and stormy night to confront the criminal gang. Faced by a beardy, tattooed wildman wielding raw vegetables, they surrender, and are taken into custody, hurrah.
Ok, ok, so it didn't happen quite like that. I heard a noise and went to look from the spare bedroom window, the security lights were on, then with a bang, they went out again. Recalling that the previous steward had been daft enough to confront an earlier set of burglars, who were tooled up with baseball bats, I was wetting myself, I got right on the phone and 999'd the police. I kept watch while waiting five minutes for the police to arrive, but when they did, the bad guys had already vanished into the night.
The police were very fast in arriving, but what worries me is this, only one copper turned up, what would he do if there were two or three armed blokes who didn't fancy coming along quietly. Furthermore, he was the only officer covering Addingham, Silsden, Ilkley, Burley and Menston, and despite that, he was on his way to assist Shipley+Eccleshill because they were short staffed. Makes you feel safe at night doesn't it ?

Saturday, November 30, 2002

Good evening, I'm happy. The reasons for aforementioned happiness are these.....
Great dinner at my sisters last night, her talented husband Kev cooked up a seafood storm, nice one brother in law, and we got to bath the babies and read to them, my God children are the sweetest things.
Good friend Patrick is booking tickets for LOTRTTT.
It's winter, which means that although I'm not making any money, I'm not working until 1 in the morning all the time, we finished work at 4.30pm today, ha ha.
Mrs.YS has just brought me croissant with choclate spread, she loves me. Life is just peachy.

Here is a girl of astounding good taste, why so ? Because she has linked to me of course, and before you ask, I didn't offer her money. Ok, so she's Australian, try not to be bitter

More on the LOTR theme,

, more of this chaos, as well as an absolute abundance of really good film bumpf can be found here Tolkien Movies

Thursday, November 28, 2002

I was pondering, as I do in quiet moments, I was pondering what YSoul would be like in ten years time. Most likely of course will be that I have long since lost patience with the daily blogging routine, and my inability to stop swearing on the new 'Sony Portablogger' headset has had me removed from 15 different ISP's. If however, I have continued the daily blog what will have changed ? Will I still be stealing amusing links from other blogs ? Will I be able to resist pushing up my hits my mentioning naked celebrities ? Will I have learned how to spell Avril Lavigne ? Let us time travel then, and find out....................(just imagine a sort of Dr.Who type sound effect here)

Here we are in the year 2012, Yorkshiresoul is still blogging but under the name 'Half Yorkshire - Half Catalan - Half cut'.
YS finally did get to see Avril Lavigne naked (as well as spelling her name correctly), but so did everybody else when the faded star appeared nude in the Christmas 2010 issue of Playboy, shortly after her six month stay in the Betty Ford Clinic.

YSoul's beloved Leeds United languished in the 1st Division for three seasons after the awful Venables relegation year, they recently lost their manager again, but with recent improvements in cloning technology, Don Revie takes over at the start of next season.

Orange decided on a more aggressive marketing strategy, YSoul once again challenged them over their "Bearded men are dirty poofs" adline, but lost the fight to the 18 stone troll from the marketing department, and spent three months in traction. The story made the papers and media worldwide, he even got a visit from Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, then he even got her phone number, then he got lucky, then he got crabs.

YS spent three years in prison in the middle of the decade, after England lost their umpteenth consecutive Ashes series YS finally snapped at Headingley, England were 32-7 in their second innings, facing an improbable Australian target of 712-2 declared (R Ponting 435 n.o.). As Matthew Hayden lashed his third six of the over from an out of form Ryan Sidebottom, YSoul ran from his seat in the West Terrace and violently assaulted Hayden with a rolled up copy of the Yorkshire Post. (It was later reported that although most of the newspaper was successfully removed, the Australian was still passing parts of the sports section two weeks later). Despite widespread support for YSoul's actions, he was jailed for a five year stretch.

After leaving prison YSoul got a lucky break and landed a job as UK Sales Director for Spanish Wines, spending his summers in England, his winters in Barcelona, and most of the time drunk, he is said to be fairly happy although he still wishes people would read him for his faintly humorous scribblings rather than looking for naked teenage pop stars.
I have just started reading Antony Bourdain's wonderfully entertaining 'Kitchen Confidential', and, speaking as a fellow chef, this is exactly how the world of catering is, nearly. Except that, I seem to have missed out on the barrow loads of drugs and endless supply of willing waitresses, I've hardly ever shagged a waitress, and it's no use starting now for two reasons,one, Mrs YS and a pair of hot scissors, and two, the anti-pedophile laws.

Staying very loosely within the catering theme, next time you pop out for a pint, how about your nearest Christian local. In an attempt to prove that we Brits can be just as weird and wacky as the Yanks, I give you a pub run by church volunteers, and it's in Bradford.

Here's the sort of local news I like, two local teams, reserves at that, knocking seven kinds of shite out of each other instead of playing football, scroll down for the full shocking details.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

A one off special feature today dedicated to one of Yorkshiresoul's regular readers, may I introduce you to the very wonderful Amanda Greaves. Amanda is a bright young thing plying her journalistic trade at the venerable Ilkley Gazette, where she brings her fresh perspective and literary talent to such stories as "Cat Missing For Four Days" and "Pharmacist Will Open Until 8pm".
Few of her fans can forget the post-modernist drama she brought to the classic "Bolling Road Under 8's Egg and Spoon Results" or the heart rending cruelty exposed by "Council Will Stop Free School Milk", so its hats off to Amanda, may she long keep ink on her quill, so to speak. Here is a typically astute story, penned by Amanda, probably, Red Letter Day.
And lastly I would just like to quash any rumours that I have featured Amanda just because she's a hot babe, as if I'd do something like that!

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Oh dear, what a dismal selection of books I took away with me, thankfully Jeff Noon and Tom Sharpe rescued me from a pit of literary despair.

Colony - Rob Grant, he finds four very mildly amusing puns, realising he will have to fill nearly 300 pages he repeats each pun ad infinitum, remembering on page 286 that the book is about to end and he hasn't properly thought out the closing stages, he invokes a limp god in the machine completion. Terrible.

The Star Fraction - Ken Macleod, there might just be a good plot here, but it is buried beneath a mound of half baked political ideologies and a torrent of factions, theologies and splinter groups, half way through I had no idea who was fighting who, or even who belonged to which group.

The Reaper - James H Jackson "A sunbather screamed in shock, scrabbling to get free of the situation and enveloping body parts, as a waiter exploded all over him. All he had asked for was a Bloody Mary", the worst two lines from a novel filled with bad writing.

Blott On The Landscape - Tom Sharpe, funny, and the good guys win through, sort of.

Pollen - Jeff Noon, very strange, beautiful and wonderful, despite being set in Manchester. I must read more of this man's work.

Lastly, oh no, the shocking truth about the Harry Potter novels
Greetings faithful readers, I have returned from my travels, Paris is wonderful, Barcelona is fantastic, Rome is full of noisy bastards on scooters who still use their horns at 3 in the morning, and Ulverston, yes Ulverston, was having a very jolly Dickensien Christmas festival.

I won't bore you with the whole holiday diary, but I may drop in an edited highlight or two. Early on in the holiday we stumbled across a cunning French plot to sell off a glut of vegetables, ordering in French (from the handy 3 language menu), we did at first question whether "Legumes - Frittes - Chips" was entirely correct. We just fancied a pile of chips to go with our Croque Monsiuer, what arrived though was a steaming plate of overcooked green beans. Anxious not to look more of a twat than I had already appeared, I devoured the beans with a gusto which indicated to the waiters not only did I intend to order beans with my sandwich, they were indeed my most favourite thing to eat. All this and no decent wine either.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Last night in Barca, off to Rome in the morning, Gaudi´s bloody church, oh no, never again, far too high for me, Nou Camp is wonderful, I got to sit on the home bench and in the home tv interview chair, wahey! Been to the waxworks where every model bears only a passing resemblence to its intended portrait, and the aquarium where at least the fish looked like themselves.

Also, got skinned by the pea and cup men for €40, bastards, I could have sworn it was under the left hand cup.

Ate outside, in November, its about 20 degrees here and for some reason all the Catalans are dressed in big jumpers coats and scarves, you can see the Brits, they´re all in shorts and t-shirts complaining about the heat. Bye for now, I might report from Italy, if not, daily mayhem resumes in about 8 days.

Friday, November 15, 2002

Hello faithful readers, it´s Friday so it must be Barcelona, I´ve left Mrs YS eating chocolate cake in the hotel room whilst I ramble down the Ramblas to post a quicky to you lot. Paris was wonderful, the architecture (apparently Napolean said "Build me something special" "What size?" "Big enough to barrack an army" and they built the Louvre!!), wine ok, food good, except for the boiled pigs trotters.

We did all the main monuments, Tour Eiffel, Arc De Triomph, well, I went up them while the missus stayed firmly on the ground. We also six the bones of six million dead folk (I kid you not) in the catacombs, a great day out.

Barcelona is also fantastic, Tapas every night, wine is better and cheaper (in fact everything is way cheaper) than Paris, been to Montjuic and the Zoo, Ramblas and the Bara Gotic, going off to Sagra de Familia and the Nou Camp tomorow.

The only bad thing so far, apart from the trotters that is, is BBC World on the tv, it meant I couldn´t escape from 79 all out, shite, see yáll soon.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Right, I'm off then, Paris, then Barcelona, then Rome. Be good while I'm away, water the plants and try not to kill the fish, see you all when I get back, oh, and if the cricket gets any worse, just picture yourself..........................naked with Avril Levigne!!!! Wahey!!!
Well, Orange just will not fight, in fact they have taken to ignoring my threatening e-mails. I did a load of beard related surfing to try and support my case, and so I bring you this shower of beardy weirdness.
1) A man who has written a book about 1,000 beards, the front cover features all the main styles, from the 'Yorkshire Ripper' (top right) to the 'Gay Biker' (middle left).
2) Jordan Dauby, Beard of the Year 2002, endorses Beardsley Beard Shampoo, well he would wouldn't he.
3) All About Beards
4) Will my face get cold if I shave off half my beard and then go cylcling in sub zero temperatures ? Yes
5) Don't link turbans to terrorism, or beards for that matter
6) Got a mad, foot long, curly, pointy tache ? Join these lads you'll be right at home
7) I hope that no tax-payers money was wasted on your foolish cat/beard research project
8) **Bits of this site not worksafe** Women with beards, yes, you heard
Oh my God. First day of the Ashes wasn't good, in fact it was "Worst Case Scenario". Australia make 360-odd for two, England wound themselves by falling over on flat grass. We need to do something.
1) Eat more Marmite, obviously.
2) If you see an Ozzie student, working behind a bar, or in a pizza restaurant, do the decent thing and dob them in to Immigration, or the Inland Revenue, or both.
3) With regards to Matthew Hayden, maybe the Yanks would lend us the Washington sniper for a couple of days ?
4) If all these fail then do what I'm going to do, run away to Paris, the French understand nowt at all about cricket.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Help me clear my debt!, this is a disgrace, all these folks shamelessly begging for someone else's hard earned cash, have you tried getting a job like the rest of us ? Try the Blackadder option, you know, "Oh please go on the game"
Bit of a theme thing here, George Bush makes his feelings clear on the Oil/Iraq situation........
Regular reader and all round man of good taste Paul suggests you try putting words in Bush's mouth, oh dear, the tears of laughter.
No blog yesterday, couldn't access Blogger all afternoon. I don't thing Orange (or Arnge if you are reading from Ulster) are up for the fight,
"This scene was filmed in Rio De Janeiro using local actors - including the man with the beard. Orange tries to ensure ethnic diversity in all of its communications including advertising and as a global company has a multi national workforce in areas as diverse as Europe, Asia and Africa."
Blah, blah, blah, no mention of standing up to me in a fair fight, bloody jessies.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

I've got a problem with Orange, the mobile phone company that is, not the tasty, vitamin c packed citrus fruit. Its that bloody advert, beards are the new niggers, if you changed the advert to "Less of what you don't like, Paki's, Kikes, Spics and Wogs" people would be up in arms, and rightly so, but bewhiskered gents have become the new media kickaround now that you can't make jokes about colour, religion and nationality.
Well, I for one have had enough, which is why I have sent this e-mail to Orange.........
"I believe your current "beard" advert to be nothing more than racism in another hat, therefore I would like the name of the advertising exec who thought up the advert so I can challenge him to a fist fight, if he wins, you get to keep showing the advert, if I win, you take it off air, fair enough?"
Orange have said this..............
"Dear Mike
Thank you for your feedback on the Orange website. You will receive a personal response as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
Orange Web Development Team "

Fight! Fight! Get your tickets here, in the blue corner, weighing in at 13st some, the bearded, tattooed fighting machine............Yorkshiresoul, in the red corner, weighing in at 9st in his underpants (soiled), a wimpy, pasty, chin like a babies bum advertising wally. Ysoul 11-8 on, office boy 20-1, Ysoul to win by knockout in the first round - evens.

Oh, and because you lot love linky stuff, here's something to do on your next day off, squirrel fishing.

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Yesterday, scared the bejezus out of myself watching '28 Days Later', brilliant start to the film, lost its way a little later on, also saw the remake of 'Oceans 11' which, despite my pathological hatred of George Clooney, a man with the acting ability of Charles Bronson on Prosac, was actually a half decent movie. I do wish though, that my local cinema showed films like this.........

Friday, November 01, 2002

The National Toaster Museum of America needs your money, they've been begging for it since 1997, and they're not doing very well.
Although I will berate Kerrang and others for lazy list journalism, I will now do just the same thing. In no particular order, YSoul's list of ladies it would be interesting to spend time with (if not married, obviously).

1) Helen Hunt - gosh, she is just so nice, I imagine Helen would cook, something good and traditional, roast chicken then apple pie, she's that kind of girl.

2) Dawn French - dinner at a restaurant, with lots of wine, a laugh riot obviously and possibly we'd get asked to leave by the manager.

3) Milla Jovovich - is there any chance she'd wear that strappy, bandage thingy from 5th Element ? No, shame.

4) Paula Radcliffe - superwoman, dinner would obviously be lots of carbs, followed by a ten mile run, that's me buggered then.

5) Fi Glover - intelligent, educated, funny, what more could you ask for ?

6) Jade Jones - would she fancy a jump ? Hee hee hee (That was an athletics in-joke, sorry)

7) Tara Palmer-Tompkinson - not bright, not well educated, funny, this would only go well as a date if she doesn't have her nose in the candy bag.

8) Baroness Thatcher - How do you like your eggs Mrs.T ? Turned ? No, thought not.

9) Angelina Jolie - Arooga! Arooga! But she has weird ideas about exchanging bodily fluids, all that vial of blood stuff.

10) Avril Levigne - naked of course (shame on me, I've managed a whole week without mentioning her once, mind you, that will double todays hits).

Thursday, October 31, 2002

I went out shopping the other day and came back with a haul of SF, Jeff Noon, Stephen Baxter, Rob Grant, Ken Macleod and Richard Morgan, then, oh joy, a package came from the F+SF book club with two Robert Holdstck novels, Mythago Wood and Gate Of Ivory (boys, can someone lend me Lavondyss, Hollowing and Merlin's Wood?), here are all Robert Holdstocks books, he does write under a heap of other names, the Robert Faulcon novels are pretty good. Here also is a link to the Ansible Archives, Dave Langfords guide to all that is good and bad in SF.
Despite this tragic news, I still find it hard to feel sorry for Courtney Love.
I see famous people, sort of. There I was, pottering around Leeds, when a tall young man with a curly mop of ginger hair caught my eye, sadly my neurons don't fire fast enough for these situations and I was back in the car before I said to Mrs YSoul "Ere, that was Ryan Sidebottom that was", and I didn't even get a chance to tell him bloody awful Yorkshire were last season. In this pic I have no idea what Ryan is doing, he may be praying to Mecca, caught up in a mini typhoon, or the new Nirvana song is being played on the PA system at Headingley.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Go on Craig White, la la la la la, we're gonna win the ashes. I know I have a lot of American readers, and they won't have a clue about cricket, Craig White or the Ashes, well over the winter I'll try to teach them about the best sport in the world, starting with the quite brilliant Barmy Army guide to field placings. Here is a simple explanation of the game of cricket, including the highly amusing in-out rules thingy you get on tea towels and the like.

Mrs. Yorkshiresoul would like to suggest a rules change for football. Whenever a player is deemed to be acting like a 'big soft puff' (see Chelsea and the Italian national team), rolling around on the pitch after being breathed on by more hardy types (see Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Lee Bowyer etc.), they will be carted off the pitch on the stretcher. After reaching the touchline and injured player may be substituted, uninjured players however, those cheating (see Arsenal, Scum U) players who immediately bound off the stretcher ready for action will have to sit out the rest of that half of the match in the dugout.
As a rule change I think its eminently sensible, cheats and their teams will be punished, sadly it means we will spend half the season with Harry Kewell taking an early bath, but hey ho. Considering this, I would like to bring in a second rules change..........whenever Harry Kewell does one of those annoying back passes, or something unnecessarily complex that results in the ball being passed to an opposing player, I'm allowed to birch him.

And lastly, because it wouldn't be YS without a pointless link, here is the human clock.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

A Dangerous Childhood : Coins On The Railway Line
Up at the top of the village there was a footbridge over the railway line, and although fenced off, access to the line itself was not difficult for the more adventurous child. I can't remember who's idea this was, but someone came back from Blackpool with a tuppence they had put through one of those presses that stretch and flatten the coin and print the Blackpool Tower on it. We thought that the 3.14 from Ilkley would have pretty much the same effect as a coin press, so up we went with pockets filled with coins, we popped one on the track, hid behind the supporting arch of the bridge and waited for a train.

The train came and went, and lo and behold our coin was thinner, it was also curvy and shiny to boot. In time for the next train we had laid out a row of coins on the track, one for each of the half dozen or so lads who were participating in this latest madcap scheme. the next train went past and we were all rewarded with a thin, curvy, shiny coin.

Obviously our activity wasn't dangerous enough, oh no. A new idea was touted, and rapidly accepted, a brave volunteer went forth and placed a stack of two pence pieces on the track, we waited. A train came, it hit the stack of coins, they didn't go all thin and curvy and shiny, no, they spewed off the track like little copper bullets, ricocheting off the bridge and embedding themselves at some velocity into the grass banking behind us.

At this point some sense of self preservation kicked in, also the train driver had seen us and would no doubt halt at the signal box to report us, we did the sensible thing and ran away. Looking back on this as an adult I can't believe quite how stupid we were, I don't know if a train could be derailed by something so small as a stack of coins, but I do think they would have punctured young flesh quite neatly if we hadn't have got behind the bridge in time. This was to be the first and last time we tried this, although our adventures with the railways were not quite over, I mean, we had a big torch, and the tunnel wasn't that long, was it ?
Another dose of this madness here.

Monday, October 28, 2002

It is a fabulous day in the Yorkshire Dales today, bright winter sun, scudding clouds, a day off, actually, I might just take all week off.

I was going to write a little thing about everyone having a book in them, then link to a page showing a man eating a book, oh how you would laugh, but I couldn't find one. I seem to recall there was a Frenchman called mange-tout who got barred from the Guinness book for eating bicycles, aeroplanes and passing shoppers, but I can't find him either. What I could find includes this piece of weirdness involving Voltaire, Newton, anti-semitism and shop-lifting, also this, which is just bloody freaky, I also came across this man, make sure you get in the buffet queue before him, and oh dear, here he is again but eating brains, yes brains, and finally, Jay Thomas and Jaymes are bloaters of the first order, Blake Wehlage may be desperate for the toilet, but he better hope he gets there before Dave Gass' backside blows up.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Now that you've fired your pumpkin from your home made artillery piece, what should you do with it next ? Bill Patton became sexually attracted to his pumpkin, he thought it was a swell idea, neighbors and police did not.
You may have heard that 'barking mad' Grimsby Labour MP Austin Mitchell has changed his name by deed poll to Austin Haddock, in order to highlight problems facing the fishing industry, right. At a mixed function last week, where the guests didn't know each other, Mr. Fishname was a topic of conversation, "fool", "laughable", "idiot", "pointless".
"I disagree" said a lady.
"No-one will take him seriously" the man replied.
"I would" (I was pouring coffee, I had seen her name tag).
"Don't be so silly" he pressed on oblivious to the chasm that had opened up.
"My name is Samantha" she said. (It was, and then some, by now I can see what's coming and have poured coffee into cup, saucer and tablecloth).
"He's just an attention seeking moron with a bloody stupid name" and the gent plunged over the precipice.
"Samantha Halibut" she said. (I made my escape during the ensuing silence).

Saturday, October 26, 2002

You just wouldn't, not even as a joke, there is no excuse, I mean, call a shop this and you may attract the wrong clientele.
Kerrang, which will be the subject of future rants, has published a list of the ten stupidest bands of all time. Mature readers will point out that these are the self same bands that K has used to sell copy for the last two decades, I suppose its not biting the hand that feeds until they make a comeback tour. The bands featured are there for all the wrong reasons, we expect them to mainline vodka, eat neat crack for breakfast and do unspeakable things with fish and groupies, what is unacceptable is the following...........
1) Kurt Cobain - world dominating band, rich beyond the dreams of avarice, beautiful young daughter, swallows a shotgun.
2) Little Angles - after achieving 5 top ten hits (from the same album!!!), decide that breaking up is the way to go.
3) Slipknot - Shitting on stage, I'd force him to eat it up with a teaspoon.
4) Wildhearts - combined career suicide of digesting own bodyweight in heroin, and the 'Endless, Nameless' album.
5) Guns 'N Roses - bloated double album followed by yearly promises of tours that never quite got off the ground, and swapping Slash for a guitarist called, and I kid you not, 'Buckethead', because he, er, well, wears a bucket on his head.
6) Vince Neil (Motley Crue) - killed his friend in drunk driving accident (should probably be higher in the list, but hey ho)
7) Deicide/Cradle of Filth/all black metal - idiot satanic fuckwits, come round my house and meet Mr.Cricket Bat you losers, who remembers Glen Benton burning an inverted cross onto his forehead, MWAHAHAHAHA.
I'm sure there are dozens of others (I never even mentioned the Spice Girls), let me know.
Bad news, whilst reading Andre Domine's tome on Wine on top of a tall building yesterday, I dropped it and killed someone. Good news, DNA testing has revealed it was Arthur Scargill, so no real loss there then. But this terminal literary velocity accident got me thinking, who would you like to kill with a weighty book ? And with which book ? Next time I get a chance I'm going to drop the combined Wisden Alamanac on to Shane Warne, followed by the official and unofficial biographies of Margaret Thatcher aimed squarely at David Blunkett (great, he won't even see them coming!!).

Friday, October 25, 2002

Are you an avid reader ? Much as some people can remember the convoluted plotlines of up to a half dozen soaps at any time, I do the same with books, my current reading list is as follows.........

Chasm City - Alastair Reynolds, good SF, better than Revelation Space

Travels With My Radio - Fi Glover, R5Live presenter potters around the globe finding obscure radio stations

Teach Yourself HTML in 24 hours - Dick Oliver, it isn't sinking in

Wine - Andre Domine, this is the definition of a tome, it would kill you if dropped from a tall building

How To Dunk A Doughnut (The Science of Everyday Life) - Len Fisher, obviously I skipped right to the final chapter....The Physics of Sex

Appetite - Nigel Slater, sod Jamie 'Bloody' Oliver, here's a chef that understands real food

Rough Guides to Paris, Barcelona, Rome - ready for my holidays, wahey

As I find it impossibly difficult to follow soap plotlines, could anyone tell me what has become of Nick Cotton ? Oh, and the lad from Eastenders who had AIDS for about 20 years, did he finally die or what ? (Mark something? He was Tucker in Grange Hill)
Ever worry that you stand out in the crowd ? Do you just want to be like veryone else, help is it hand because Dean and Nigel can help you to blend in.
I'm a bit loath to plug Dave as he's consistently funnier than me, but if you havn't already caught the vibe, then pop over to Davezilla, America's best blog. The best British blog, according to the Guardian anyway (and they gave him a grand for it!) is Scaryduck. Another great blog, but in a far more serious line is Wetlog.
The Friday Five

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind? Wine, dinner with friends, hiking.

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands? Open a bottle of wine.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells? Coffee, chocolate, when P + J and myself were regulars at the Conservative Club you could smell the curry house next door as we walked down the street, especially good on a cold night.

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself? Either, I see far too little of my friends, and my job forces me into days off when everyone else is working so I've become fairly happy on my ownsome.

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't? Napalm bombing vast tracts of the Korean jungle.

6. Did you prefer this weeks Friday Five, or last weeks ? I think last week when I ignored the real questions and just made up a load of stuff seemed more fun somehow, except I cheated on question 5 this week, that was ok.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Oh no, yes, bugger, clam down indeed. Of course I meant to write 'clam down' rather than 'calm down', its a Tykeism, albeit one I've just invented. So, clam down, we're 100-odd for six, everything is going according to plan, Craig White is on his way to save the day.

I'm in need of cheering up, and good friend Patrick has helped out, first he has pointed out that I can't dance for toffee and therefore recomends a quick trip to the Gothic School of Dance, and if flailing around the dancefloor like Siouxsie Sioux on a bad trip doesn't do it for you then rest assured that there are always people out there constructing long range artillery using large gourds as ammunition, happy now ? As a pig in Old Trafford.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I was just perusing the Top Secret Animal Attack Files (purely for my readers education and titillation you understand) when I came across this, described as a !!!Reign of Terror!!!, this crazed beast was finally killed by brave police officers, reading between the lines, its immense bloodlust was fueled by alopecia, yes, that's right, it was a squirrel. Personally I'm more frightened of Tigers, and the police, especially when they work together!!!
Ok, ok, clam down, don't panic. It's all been planned in advance, Nasser knows what he's doing. I know we fielded a pretty good side, and I know three of their players were over 50 (runs and years, bah), yes and Harmison has bowled one of the longest overs in cricketing history, but its ok, we're just lulling the Aussies into a false sense of security. Gluttons for punishment can check out the Lilac Hill scorecard. You can check out the sorry tale of the last Ashes series here. If all that was just too depressing, cheer yourself up by purchasing a Barmy Army Ashes shirt, that'll do nicely.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Ah, Eleanor Rigby. It occurs to me that some of you may well be in search of lurve, good news, Dr. Love is in, I am here to help.
First, the very popular Russian brides, this is Irina #29566 and I think she just might be looking for a British husband, if you think Irina's educational standards may not be quite up to yours then you probably need the matchmaking site for Oxbridge folk or in a similar vein friends who like classical music might be right up your street. I'm actually getting a little concerned for our most educated set, they obviously have problems getting together, here's another site they could try Ivory Towers, don't they have pubs in Oxbridge ?
Maybe all that highbrow stuff isn't for you, what you want is more Russian babes, and who wouldn't ? Or perhaps a young wife from the Phillipines is your thing, you can't beat this site (apparently), it was featured in the critically acclaimed 'A Bride Too Far' and was the focus of a front page story in the Phillipine Enquirer, although they don't quote the article in question, why would that be? They do score points though for the quite lovely cupid and hearts that replace your mouse pointer. Finally, maybe it's just a good price your looking for, in that case head over to the Stack 'em high, Sell 'em cheap Brides Warehouse. Have fun now.
There has been a discussion raging amongst the waiters, and it is this.........Is April Levigne fit? Now obviously I have ben unable to join in the heated debate as the young lady in question appears to be 14 years old. However, waiter Henry has revealed that the burgeoning pop/rock babe is 'at least' 16 years of age, so to answer the question, April Levigne is fit, well, for a midget that is. A midget who has spent far too much time listening to Alanis Morisette.

Monday, October 21, 2002

I've got a draft of the 'Abuse/Comment on my taste in..' site up and running at the link shown, it's a bit bare at the moment, will fill in as time allows.

We went to the Ilkley bonfire on Saturday night, very cold but nice and dry, good fire, nice fireworks. I went out and bought some fireworks last week, readers will already know my predeliction for things that blow up and burn, thus I purchased the Armageddon, it's about the size of a car tyre, weighs about the same and promises a 500 shot barrage of incandescent mayhem, I can't wait.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Right, I've put some of those little 'Rate Me' thingies up on the blog so you can tell the world just how superb YS is, and what happens ??
You abuse it, that's what happens. Of the ten voters to hit the Bloghop buttons, two of you ingrates have hit the 'This site sucks' option, well smartypants, did you know that your name and addy has been culled from your hard drive as you voted ? No you bloody well didn't, so Mr Paul Geens of 23 Acacia Avenue, Nantwich (age 14) and you Miss Jane Calloway of 173 Caledonian Drive, West Peebles, when you here a knock at your front door on Monday, that'll be YorkshireSoul and his cricket bat come to discuss artistic merit with you.
You, dear reader are.......
The average Ysoul reader is an American, he, or perhaps she, came here looking for porn, Avril Levigne naked (which I'm almost sure I've never mentioned), slapper download code and information on rabbit lamping.
The next largest contingent of YS addicts are the Brits, they come in search of porn, the Wildhearts, Adam Ant and the naked ladies of Yorkshire.
The last notable section are the plucky Norwegians, these hardy Nordic types come in search of porn, the Wembley Demolition cam, Iain Banks and Nancy Dell'Olio naked.
Making up the rump are the solitary readers, just the one each, from Australia (hello Pixelkitty), NZ, RSA, Canada and the Imperial Taoist Kingdom of Mahatma. If things are running true to form they came looking for Avril Levigne and Nancy Dell'Olio having full on hardcore porno sex with the Wiildhearts in front of Wembley Stadium whilst Adam Ant whips Iain Banks with a naked rabbit.
All things taken into consideration, I think some of you lot need therapy, quickly.

Friday, October 18, 2002

The Friday Five

1) At the last moment, the pope cancelled your sainthood, why ?
Mike - It was all a bit embarrassing really, I was due to be elevated to the celestial ranks when an old concert video surfaced on MTV and in it I can clearly be seen singing along to Nuclear Assault on Hang The Pope, also, I'm a protestant.

2) Is it true you shagged Ulrika ?
Mike - Well lets be honest here lads, who hasn't?

3) Who did you last play golf with ?
Mike - Sadam and Dubya, I know I shouldn't really reveal this, but the whole war thing is just something we cooked up in the 19th over a few beers, we thought it would bolster the price of oil for a while and help the BP shares in my Euro-ISA.

4) What exactly was your role in the Cuban Missile Crisis ?
Mike - The two sides needed somewhere comfortable to talk, so we invited them down to my restaurant "Viva Castro" for tapas and wine, we really went the whole hog, literally, roast suckling pig, bacon and beans, paprika pork chops, it was a shame really, how was I to know that most of the US delegation were Jewish ?

5) Who would be you ideal dinner party guests ?
Mike - Keith Moon and Mother Teresa

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Abandon whatever God you worship and sell your soul to The Cult of Slappy the Cat, Slappy may well be the coven master of the insidious evil that is the Vampire Cat's Club, these creatures have me frightened, all I wanted to do was to steal a little of the kitten hit market from Blogjam, and now I'm mixed up with things like this, aaaaaaaaaaargh, make the nasty thing go away mummy, that's not a bloody cat!! What the hell is it?
Oh Sven, what have you done, of course you are going to sack hapless David Seaman (just before they bring out a video of '30 great lob shots over Seamans head'), Solly boy was unlucky/stupid, but what is the point of putting on three strikers and then having two of them play so wide that they might as well be midfielders? Also, hats off to whoever we were playing, when they wern't faking injury they played some pretty decent football, I'm so glad we're not facing Poland/Italy/Germany in this group, I mean Turkey are no problem, are they?

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

I played golf this morning for the first time in weeks with brother in law Andy, he won, obviously, we shan't talk about my score apart from saying it would looked reasonable as a 40 over cricket score.

Pointless link of the day, and this is utter anorak territory, the fast food condiment packet museum, lordy, lordy, just end it all now.
A reader writes (for security reasons we'll call him Andy W.)........."You obviously have far too much time on your hands", bah humbug sir, he then goes on to say.........."What I'd really like to be able to do on Yorkshiresoul is abuse your taste in wine, film and especially music", erm, ok then. I'll set up a second blog, linked from here, and post very short reviews, or just titles/headers, of the items in the 'Yorkshiresoul has' list, you will have to respond through the 'Shout Out' below each message in the main journal body.
I had thought of allowing people to register as writers for the blog, but if too much info gets posted then the nice folks at have my credit card number and might not be afraid to use it. I will try to set up the linked blog over the weekend, any suggestions for a name?

Monday, October 14, 2002

Sven, Ulrika and Nancy.
What was Sven thinking, he has a stunning, intelligent (she's a lawyer!!) girlfriend, and he goes for a pretty, vapid, bimbo. He's got fillet steak at home, but he goes out for a pot noodle.
Oozes slapper.......................Oozes class
Piat D'Or...............................Chateau Lafitte
McDonalds............................3 Michellin Stars
Kit Kat..................................Lindt Excellence
As for all that rubbish about Sven wanting a 3-some, when he said he wanted someone on the left, he meant the footie pitch not the double bed you daft bint!Arooga! Arooga! Time for a cold shower and a bromide injection I think.

And............didn't I promise you the details of how to shrink your voodoo cursed enemies severed heads well here it is, Yorkshiresoul - the irresponsible weblog.
Gosh its dark this morning, I've been up since the crack of dawn cleaning out the old, dying chest freezer so its brand spanking new replacement can be delivered. I'm now wondering about my comments to the salesman, I think when I said
"Give me the biggest freezer you have", what I should have said was...........
"Give me a freezer that will fit into this space".

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Well, the nights are drawing in, which means I get more time off and hopefully a social life again. Last night I went to the Ilkley Literature Festival to see Iain Banks read from his latest novel, Dead Air, and answer questions from the audience. I've never been to a live literature event before, it was kind of nice to be sat down and have someone reading stories to you, very relaxing.
Iain was very funny, swigging bitter and swearing like a docker throughout the interview. He spoke at length about the two novels adapted for the screen, The Wasp Factory and Complicity I think, he said that although Use Of Weapons had been bought (and for serious money) he thought it unlikely to make it to film anytime soon. The book that Iain would most like to be filmed is Consider Phlebas, as he explained to the non-sf section of the audience "Its one huge object smashing into another huge object whilst a laser gun battle goes on around, its a science fiction thing". Can you imagine the ship hijack/loop world sequence on film ? Oh yes, that would be deeply impressive.

It hasn't rained properly for about six weeks, but there's some water falling on us this morning, simply splendid conditions for the Captain .vs President Team match teeing off this afternoon, oh well, at least I'll have hot mushroom soup and roast chicken for the boys when they come back in.

Lastly, daft link of the day, do you have enemies ? Do you have people you would rather like to see writhing in pain ? Well here you go then, if there isn't a handy voodoo high priest in your neighbourhood you can simply send an online voodoo curse to your nearest and dearest. If by this method you accidently kill someone.....
1) Don't blame Yorkshiresoul
2) Click back here tomorrow and I'll show you how to shrink your enemies severed head!

Friday, October 11, 2002

Here are a group of free spirits who adjust billboards in the US for laughs, but if you look closely at this piece of advertising frippery, haven't they just put the mark of satan on Sven Goran Erikson?
England to win The Ashes, oh yes, I have determined that England will crush Australia in this winters Ashes series, why will we win ? Well, it is all down to Vegemite vs. Marmite.
Now, whilst both are tasty savoury spreads derived from yeast, there is a world of difference in the taste. In a Taste-E-Meter taste test the rather benign Australian Vegemite rated only a 5, or about equal to mature cheddar cheese, chorizo sausage and raw onion. When the mighty British Marmite was fed into the Taste-E-Meter the machine rejected the sample four times before registering a 9.2, or about equal to mature Stilton, raw Scotch Bonnet chillies and neat petrol.
In further tests English cricketers fed Vegemite were forced to spread it an inch thick on their toast, when Ozzy batsman Mark Waugh was faced with 'My Mate Marmite' he started to cry for his mummy. There is one dark cloud on the horizon though, amongst the Australians a man has arisen, a dark and twisted man, a man of rare and evil genius, a man with the knowledge and malice aforethought to create this malevolent creation............. A Vegemite Milkshake, oh the horror of it.
Fight back dear Brits, tell them how We Love Marmite, tell them everything we know about beloved Marmite, and never, never, ever mention the vile and low sect that have broken from the true faith and have declared that they hate Marmite.
Finally, there is no link to the foul spawn that is Bovril, for verily shall they place a wav. file onto your PC that will play a fucking annoying song, seemingly without end, until your machine is rebooted, bastards.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I've just taken The Spark Death Test, the news is fairly good, apparently I'm going to live to the ripe old age of 81 when I'll cop it from either a heart attack or cancer, or worryingly from alien abduction or auto-fellatio, do shout out your results please.
Hmm, Mark and Lard, sometimes I have to allow the staff a couple of hours off from the metal/punk/prog/thrash/speed that dominates the kitchen cd player, therefore I am plagued by the aforementioned moron brothers of an afternoon. Now, I could cope with the two boys of little brain driveling on all through the afternoon if it wasn't for an extended feature they ran last week which centered on jokes about fisting!!
I would agree with anyone that Steve Wright and his sycophants were perhaps not the brightest sparks on radio, but seldom if ever did they sink to the depths of making extreme sexual practices the focal point of the show. Obviously I'm not offended by their puerile antics, but I had trouble explaining the fisting concept to my six year old boy after he heard it.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Wahey, I've had (nearly) two full days off work, that's two full days in six weeks, go on, feel sorry for me! Anyway, Meg and myself had a nice lunch at Bistro Fiori in Leeds, roast pheasant with a nice Chianti for me, penne carbonara with the '02 vintage diet coke for Meg. I splashed out on a few cd's in the HMV sale, a re-mastered copy of Marillion - Fugazi caught my eye. Re-mastered to make the drums sound like cardboard boxes, can't quite figure out why.

The diet has gone to bollocks already, we ate out again in the evening, Balti Master and the nicest garlic naan I have ever eaten, and some lager, oh well, at least I did 20k on the rowing machine. Holiday planning is now in full swing for the whistle stop tour of Europe, but I've been barred from vineyard visits, can't think why that should be.

WARNING : POTENTIALLY NOT WORK SAFE BIT. This might count as porn, but don't worry, you won't see any naked flesh as it is all safely enclosed in well inflated rubber, I don't know about you, but it doesn't press my buttons. And as for this, it is probably best not to ask how I found a site featuring a tinfoil devil hat wearing cow, I apparently have too much time on my hands.

I might write a few of these, as it occurs to me there were a number of things we did as kids that seem insane and/or potentially life threatening by my adult sense of danger. This one is called...........

Cookie And The Genie. We always used to make genies when it was firework season, empty a whole packet of bangers on to a sheet then light them with a match, PWOOF, up it goes with a flash, great fun. We thought we could add to the fun by making a paper funnel and pouring a large (20 banger) genie into the lock of the school canteen, it was fitted with a paper 'fuse', and we all stood well back as the 'volunteer', Cookie, stood forward to light it. However, confined within the lock, the gunpowder once more behaved as a banger, like a bloody big one in fact, BOOM, Cookie was backlit by a fireball which exploded out from the door. We ran.
When we eventually stopped running and laughing we found that poor Cookie was blackened all up his arm and across one side of his face, and the canteen lock was ruined. Cookie had black gunpowder speckles in his skin for days, and the police didn't catch us, but we can't have been far away from causing serious injury, and we laughed 'till we cried afterwards.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

All I can say is it's bloody lucky he didn't jump up in excitement, as it is he might never play the piano again, ouch.
I love Yorkshire, there are a number of other places in which I could live, such as lovely East Anglia, pretty Cambridgeshire or even the picturesque London borough of Waltham Forest, but on the whole the beautiful Yorkshire Dales are where my heart resides, and my home town of Ilkley is so pretty they even rave about it in Zaire, or Zimbabwe, or somewhere.

Monday, October 07, 2002

A missing weekend, we were hosting the rather nice chaps from the Hollinwell golf Club in Notts, good lads and very sportingly they lost the trophy to the Ilkley team.

Health report - insomnia vanished, weight 12st 13lbs so I'm whupping the pants off Weight Watchers Fast Start, ha ha.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog, there are two ways in which this can be done..
1) Make a careful and detailed study of HTML and Java, taking particular note of which commands interact with, and may conflict with, other commands.
2) Peer hopefully at the source code, alter something that looks likely, publish, scream, desperately try to remember what I altered, alter it again, publish, scream again, whimper, phone a PC literate mate to sort it out.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Health report - insomnia has vanished - weight dropping like a stone. "After just one day", I hear you cry, well here's a good tip for starting a diet, the night before you start drink 8 pints of lager, eat a five course Chinese banquet with extra rice, finish with an extra large sticky toffee pudding, and top it off with a mug of extra sweet cocoa before bed, then weigh yourself in the morning, works a treat.

Whilst I was having a bout of insomnia midweek I could quite clearly hear a Barn Owl murdering a rabbit in the woods behind my house, I could hear it clearly as judging by the volume the Owl was holding a megaphone to the rabbit as it screamed in pain, noisy bastard. This leads on to another rabbit story. One night I was driving one of the waitresses home (I'm their boss by the way, I don't otherwise manage to entice teenage girls into my car), as we came down the hill to the road we could see a bright light out on the golf course, the following conversation ensued......
Unidentified waitress, we'll call her Lisa "What is that man doing"
Me "He's lamping for rabbits"
Lisa "What's that?"
Me "He shines the big light so that he can see the rabbits in the dark"
Lisa "Oh, that's nice" ????
Me "Then he shoots them"

Being a fully trained and sensible chef, I highly recommend that you do not do this with your microwave oven , or if you must do it, use someone else's, and stand well back.

Friday, October 04, 2002

I quite like dogs, although for a number of reasons I don't keep pets myself, my good friends John + Candice have a German Shepherd?Alsation (if there's a difference it has escaped me), if you're hovering between buying a goldfish or a German Shepherd just check out this list of things eaten by German Shepherd Dogs, goldfish sales will rocket I think.
The insominia appears to be at an end, I slept right through until the alarm woke me at 6.30am this morning and I feel a whole lot better. Here are a couple of ongoing things for the blog........
1) I'm going back on the diet (Atkins if you are interested), I'm 13st 5lbs, or possibly 187lbs as my American readers might reckon it. This figure was 16st 6lbs at Christmas (or 230lbs US) so it has worked.
2) A wine challenge, next year I intend to drink all the D.O. wines of Spain, not all at once mind you, there are 55 Spanish D.O. regions, I'll provide a link in the New Year to a seperate wine blog/page for this purpose.
3) I've got a little music thing going on, but I'll not publish the details yet in case some less scrupulous, and more organised, blogger gets in there first.

After whooping with joy at finding that Y Soul was the 26th most important source of Adam Ant information on the net, I found that one reader had found me by looking for the smallest website, that's nice I thought, then I looked up his/her search history before finding Yorkshire Soul and this was what he'd looked for..........
1) Oldest penis + slapper
2) Slapper source code download
3) Penis viagra pictures
4) Slapper worm
5) What effect will the IBM PriceWaterhouseCooper deal have on the US economy?
I'm baffled by this eclectic mix of search requests, and before you ask, no I havn't keyed them in to Google myself, but if you are interested/wierd enough to want to know the search results for "Oldest penis + slapper" please don't hesitate to shout out the results.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Well I had a go at the exercise option last night in an effort to cure my insomnia, 20k's on the rowing machine, result = I slept through until 5.30 this morning so I feel a bit better for it.

This is the Wembley Stadium demolition webcam, so you can see the fine old stadium gradually being reduced to dust, sadly, Brent council don't appear to employ anyone who can focus a camera. I have asked them to get their finger out and sort it, will report back.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

My Hotmail inbox today contains the following nuggets of wisdom..........
1) Free Porn Secrets Revealed (but they still want my CC number!)
2) The Hairiest Bush in Hollywood (this turned out not to be a horticultural site)
3) Nude pics from Kelly (no pics, but she also wants my CC number)
4) 13 offers from people worried about my penis size (I have no worries here having checked mine out here, give it a go, it's a load of tosh but there isn't a bloke around who hasn't taken a tape measure to his old man at some time.
Why is your blog called Yorkshire Soul says this e-mail, now, I don't know where Danni G is mailing from, she could be from Sussex or the States for all I know, but obviously she's not from Yorkshire or she wouldn't have to ask. You see Danni, us Tykes (for that is how we refer to ourselves), well we consider ourselves a different breed from other Brits, we consider ourselves blessed to live in and among Yorkshires green acres, and we may feel a number of emotions for those others not fortunate enough to have been born within its borders, indifference for most, antipathy for southerners and active dislike for Lancastrians.
I can't imagine people waking in the morning and saying to themselves, "Thank God I live in Middlesex/Wolverhampton/Ohio/Mars", but us Tykes, we do that every day.
Wahey, according to Google I am now the 26th most important source for Adam Ant information on the net, and in a similar position for the Wildhearts, I'd work harder but I'm not sure I want to be the nets No.1 Antmusic saddo.

I'm suffering from a bout of Insomnia, I have no problem getting off to sleep at night, but at 3-4am every morning it's, bing, wake-up time, I exist for the next 2-3 hours in a half awake sort of state, can't get back to sleep, can't rouse myself to get out of bed. I've tried a few things so far, drink (doesn't work, in fact makes it worse), not drinking (no difference), sleeping in the day (couldn't get to sleep), tonight I'm going to try exercise, dig the old rowing machine out and try to knacker myself on that. Failing that, there's always this list to work through, any other ideas ? Shout 'em out.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Ever wonderd what happened to those cheeky Talibanny chappies, bombed off the face of the Earth ? Spread to the North Winds ? Well I've found them for you, they're all here at Taliban Reunited
Police state? Five elderly pro-hunt activists were arrested in a pub car park yesterday as they prepared to stage a protest outside the Winter Gardens in Blackpool, they were ambushed by 15 armed police officers clad in riot gear and after arrest were driven to separate police stations for questioning. It's nice to know that El Presidente Blair is supporting our rights to free speech in this way.

Monday, September 30, 2002

This is Iryna #27760, she could be your new Russian bride (I suspect that silver will have to cross palms on the way though), best of all, she aspires to "Intercourse with the people".
The Wildhearts, it's almost like they didn't spend half the last decade in a smack induced coma, they arrived, they played, we drank (Southern Comfort is now de riguer at these do's, Paddy excepted), can't remember what exactly they played but it was more or less the whole of Earth vs. The Wildhearts, a couple each from Fishing For Luckies and PHUQ, and nowt from the fuzzbox nightmare that was Endless Nameless.
It was great, no real moshing, far too crowded, just bouncy, bouncy, singalong madness, and this morning my ears still retain a small high pitched whining noise that won't go away. Only down point of the night, due to a breakdown in communication I lock myself out of the house and have to hide in the shed for an hour to avoid hypothermia while the wife comes home.

Sunday, September 29, 2002

Oh my God, I've just come across this, apparently Neil Gaiman keeps a blog, and you can ask him stuff, I'll have to stop writing now 'cos I can't reach the keyboard when I'm face down on the carpet shouting "I'm not worthy O Great One", ahem, Neil Gaiman.
We're off to see the Wildhearts tonight, woo and yay indeed. There are a number of things to wish for when seeing the Wildhearts live......
1) That they turn up, we've all been there before, crowded gig, empty stage
2) That although they are unlikely to be sober, they won't be so off their faces that they can't play
3) Ginger + Danny won't have mainlined their own bodyweight in heroin
4) They all play the same song, at the same time, see points 2+3
5) Please, please, nobody vomits on stage, see points 2+3

Anyway, if everything goes to plan, see you down the front for Caffiene Bomb!

Friday, September 27, 2002

This may qualify as the poorest site on the internet, unless you know better.
We've been reliving our youth in the kitchen this week, we listen to a fair bit or proper (i.e. British 70's/80's) punk, along with some so called modern punk, but Dawn brought in Adam Ants Hits album, and to the horror of the younger staff, some serious strutting and grooving has occurred, sadly, we can all still remember how to dance the 'Prince Charming', Yeeeee Haa.

I painted a huge ant-warrior head on my bedroom wall as a teenager, with the 'Antmusic for Sexpeople' banner over the top, it baffled my mother and my father never entered the room again, a result then. It is a shame then that Adam has recently gone mad, and I've got to say he hasn't aged well, from this.........

to this

I always thought that Marco looked like he'd rather be doing something else, like playing prop forward, I always imagined meetings where
Marco would be saying "Oh God no Adam, you want me to dress like what??"

Thursday, September 26, 2002

There's a spider in my wingmirror, quite a big one, usually he gets back behind the mirror when I set off, but sometimes he just clings to his web for the hell of it, screaming with fear and joy.
Ah yes, just testing out my new blogger pro capabilities with a quick pic of Mr. Wierdness himself.
Here's the Hanse Conje thing, you see I do love cricket, it's a magical sport, and Cronje was one of those cricket god types, I'd watched him thrashing the pants off dear old Blighty far too many times, so when I heard the news on the radio that said the great man had thrown matches for money I saidIf Hanse Cronje's thrown a game I'll eat my hat. An unpleasant dinner was to follow.
I was about to do a short article on my love of cricket, the downfall of Hanse Cronje and how that led to me eating my hat, but whilst doing a little research I found this, Fat Chicks in Party Hats, it's fattist, anti-midget, anti-disabled, funny, and the most non-pc site I've stumbled over in a while.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Waferbaby: we eat bandwidth for breakfast, lol, well that's what they claim, have a poke around in the how to section, but avoid the shaving in odd places if you're squemish!

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Fantastic weekend, it was our turn to host the triangular match, Ilkley, with The Island Golf Club of Dublin, and Portstewart Golf Club of Northern Island, I've got to point out that those Northern Ireland lads are the hungriest blokes I've seen in a long while, if you ever go to a buffet with them, make sure you're first in the queue. It was a smashing, if long, weekend, and the two visiting teams were some of the nicest guests we've had all year, cheers boys.
Who'd be a city boy ? Not me.

I'm going to try and make you jealous, I'm sitting, having breakfast, looking at the view from the front windows.

Across the narrow road leading to Nesfield are the 18th and 1st fairways, divided by a srtip of mature trees some of which are showing the first tints of autumn colour. Gulls and Magpies work the cropped grass for insects, the gulls are spaced about at random but the mags move in a loose skirmish line, almost executing a sweep pattern across the green.

The wharfe forms the natural boundary for the course, today it hides low in its bed next to the 18th. It's fast rising the Wharfe, up and out of its bed in an hour or two when hard rains fall up the dale, flooding the course and fields for a day, or two, then falling away as quickley as it came.

There are fields on the opposite bank, fields studded with sheep, fields that rise gently to the road, then the ground above the road becomes wooded and steep, and sprinkled with houses. There are more buildings than you would think, screened and hidden by their garden boundries of majestic Oak, Beech and Sycamore.

The woods give way to moors above, deep green bracken, purple brown heather and rock all along, follow this ledge of rock to the far left and you come upon the old quarry at the Cow and Calf. Everything is bathed in bright, early morning, late summer sun, the few clouds casting slow moving patches of shade on the hills.

I tell people about this view, and in return they tell me about the views over the Grand Canyon, or Kilimanjaro, or Mont Blanc, and how much bigger and more spectacular they are, but they miss the point, Mont Blanc is an adventure, and whilst I would be excited to see the view from it's slopes, I couldn't sit there in quiet contentment with my heart at peace, because I wouldn't be home,
Yorkshire Soul.

Sunday, September 22, 2002

If a member of the the famous Warburtons family of bakers were to form a heavy metal band, would they be known as........And They Shall Know Us By The Trail Of Bread?

Ahem, moving on then, ever wondered when the Second Coming/Apocalypse was likely to take place, then check out the Rapture Index, yup that's the one, all non believers shalll be swept away in a breath of holy fire. Well, the index stands at 170 (that's "Fasten your seat belts" time for the righteous), but it is two points down on last week. Personally I'm astounded that the end times are drawing closer due to US unemployment and the introduction of the Euro, mind you, Lady T said European integration would be a fast track to hell.

Old Maz Manson has always had a word or two about the astonishing panorama of the end times, I'm begining to suspect he might know something I don't, certainly he'd know about the price of drugs, although whether he'd know the current price in Glasgow is debatable.

As a chef, I often get asked for recipes, well look, Jamie fucking Oliver has recipes because he writes books (or more likely has them written for him), all other chefs use the chuck it in until it looks right method, in fact I don't do any cooking, buy curry here and then buy some puddings here, set yourself up as a restaurant, see if I bloody care. Do treat yourself to a puding though, they're magic.